When You Are With Me

by E. L. Todd

  He held my gaze without blinking. “We’re just from different worlds, Frankie. I really like you but…I’m not the kind of man you want.”

  “And what kind of man are you, exactly?” I should just let him walk away but I was struggling. I’d never been dumped like that before. He was into me one moment, and we were having a great time, and then he forgot about me the second he turned around.

  He leaned toward me and lowered his voice. “The kind that isn’t good enough for you.”

  ***

  I would never understand what happened with Hawke, and I needed to learn to let it go. I had no idea what he meant when he said he wasn’t good enough for me. He was a great person. What was he talking about?

  No matter what happened or what he meant, it didn’t change the fact that it was over. I didn’t want to be with someone so vague anyway. It would cause more migraines than orgasms, and I just didn’t have the time to deal with drama.

  He had drama written all over him.

  I tried to forget about him but it was surprisingly hard. When I folded my laundry, I thought about the way he looked across the table. He stared at me like I was the only woman in the room. And he was charming and polite…he made me laugh. And the physical chemistry between us couldn’t be quenched with a fire extinguisher.

  I refused to mourn over a guy that wasn’t worth my time, so I moved on and went on other dates. I met a few guys through mutual friends and at the bars. All of them were attractive, some were clingy, but none of them were a good match. I just didn’t feel anything for any of them.

  Not like I did with Hawke.

  Why? Why did I want a guy clearly unavailable? It was so annoying. There was a plethora of guys at school. Why couldn’t I just like one of them? After a month had passed, I thought about Hawke less often.

  But I hadn’t forgotten him.

  He hadn’t come into The Grind in a long time, and I assumed he never would again. He probably didn’t want to see me, not after I confronted him like that. And I didn’t blame him. That definitely didn’t project me in my best light.

  But one day, on a Monday, he walked inside. Like always, he wore his business clothes with his satchel over his shoulder. A light amount of facial hair was on his face, and I liked the look. It was more rugged and highlighted his nice cheekbones.

  My immediate response was to run into the back and act like I hadn’t seen him, but I refused to do that. I wasn’t afraid of anything. I held my head high and acted like he was nothing special.

  He approached the counter and his eyes moved to my face. He took me in like he was trying to memorize every feature. His hands were in his pockets and a distant look was in his eyes. “Hey.”

  “Hey. The usual?”

  He ignored my question. “How are you?”

  “Good. Getting ready for Thanksgiving. How about you?”

  “Good. I’m excited to have a few days off. I’m spending the holidays with my friend and his family. It should be fun.”

  Did he not have a family of his own? I didn’t dare ask. “You deserve a vacation. You’re much more handsome when you’re rested.” I gave him a teasing smile.

  He smiled back. “I’m sure you’ll be baking some of those famous muffins for your family.”

  “They won’t let me in the door unless I do,” I said. “I’ll save you a few.”

  “That’s very kind of you.” An affectionate look was in his eyes.

  Now I was even more confused. We were two sides of the same coin. We just clicked. It wasn’t forced. It was completely natural. I didn’t have this kind of connection with anybody. Did he?

  “How are your classes?”

  “Good. After Thanksgiving it’s time for finals. Not exactly something to look forward to.”

  “Well, at least there’s Black Friday.”

  I laughed. “God, no. I’m not going out to get trampled. I’ll buy everything online.”

  He chuckled. “That’s how I do it too.”

  “So…black coffee?”

  He rubbed the side of his cheek where his hair was coming in. “Add a shot of espresso. I have a lot of work to do.”

  “When you come here, you work?”

  He gave me a grim smile. “I work at the office, and then I have to prepare for the next day. On average, I work about thirteen hours every day, including weekends.”

  I cringed. “Are you sure you don’t want to make it a double then?”

  He smiled with his eyes. “Actually, that would probably be best.”

  “You got it.” I put the order in the computer. “Anything else?”

  “That’ll be it. Thank you.” He set the cash on the table.

  I gave him the change and made sure I got him a coffee this time. “Well, have a good holiday.”

  “You too, Frankie.” He gave me a final nod before he walked away and sat in a booth.

  I released a deep sigh as I watched him. What was it with this guy? Why couldn’t I forget about him? Why couldn’t I just say hi and bye? Why did we have to have conversations that flowed so naturally? Why was it so easy for us to get along? I wish he were just an arrogant jerk that pissed me off so much that I never thought about him again. I wish I hated him for the way he ended our date.

  But I just couldn’t.

  Thanksgiving

  Francesca

  I loved the holidays.

  It was the time of year I got to see my family. During the school year, I was too busy to do anything fun. Sometimes, I barely had time to even brush my teeth. But during the four-day Thanksgiving weekend, it was required of everyone to do absolutely nothing. We lay around the house, ate, took naps, and then lay around the house some more.

  It was one excuse to be lazy.

  And I got to see my yaya. She was the sweetest lady in the whole world. She’s been through a lot in her life, the loss of a husband and a daughter, but she managed to remain happy and uplifting. She never let anything bring her down. To her, life was meant to be enjoyed. It was because of her that I tried to stay positive all the time.

  Yaya lived a few miles from the coast toward the mountains. She had a cute cabin in the midst of the trees. Just a mile hike away was a beautiful lake. It was always so quiet and serene, and it was a peaceful place.

  The second I drove up to the house, I felt excitement course inside me. This weekend was going to be amazing. There would be no talk of school or work. It would just be a fun and relaxing weekend. My brother was coming too, and I always looked forward to seeing him. We actually lived in the same city, but we were usually too busy to take time out of our lives to spend it together.

  I carried my bags to the door, and before I could knock, the door flew open. Yaya obviously had been sitting at the kitchen table waiting for my brother and me to pull up. The delight was on her face, and she screamed before she hugged me. “So beautiful.” She always said this to me whenever she saw me. “I missed you so much, dear.”

  I returned her embrace. “I missed you too, Yaya.”

  She continued to hug me for a moment longer before she reluctantly pulled away. “I’m so glad you’re here. I haven’t been able to sleep because I’ve been looking forward to this so much.” She helped me carry my bags inside.

  “I’m more excited. I get to have some of your amazing pie and everything else you make.”

  “I’ve been prepping for that for weeks,” she said with a laugh.

  We got my bags inside by the door. I’d carry them to my room later. I was too excited to think about that at the moment.

  “Axel will be here soon. He’s bringing a friend for the weekend.”

  “A girlfriend?” I blurted. My brother hadn’t brought anyone around ever. I knew he had relationships, but none of them were ever serious enough to be introduced to us.

  “No, I guess it’s a friend from work. It sounded like he didn’t have anywhere to go for the holidays.”

  “Oh, that’s too bad,” I said. “But if he’s friends with Axel, then h
e must be a fun guy.”

  “I’m sure he’s lovely.” She went into the kitchen and made two cups of tea. Then she sat across from me at the kitchen table. “Anything new with you, dear?”

  I grabbed my cup and took a sip. “Nothing really. I’ve just been working and going to school…my life is pretty boring, actually.” I released a sad chuckle.

  “That’s not true,” she said. “How’s the baking?”

  “I hardly have time to bake anything, but I made these apple cherry muffins. They’re really good, or so people say.”

  “I’ll have to try them.”

  “Sure. I have some in my bag.”

  Yaya took a sip. “So…is there a man in your life?”

  I immediately thought of Hawke. “No.” I wish I had a different answer. “I went on a date with this guy a while ago…”

  “And?” she pressed.

  I shook my head. “It didn’t go anywhere. But I really liked him.”

  She patted my hand. “You’re so young. You have your whole life to find the right guy. I’m just glad you’re picky.”

  I’m picky, but only for the wrong ones. “Yeah, I guess.”

  Voices were heard from outside.

  “Shut up, man,” Axel said. “I do not sound like Carrie Underwood when I sing.”

  “Have you ever listened to yourself?” his friend asked. “Seriously, record your voice then play it back. It’s Carrie Underwood—dead on.”

  “How do you even know who Carrie Underwood is?” Axel asked.

  “Sunday Night Football,” he said. “Duh.”

  “Whatever,” Axel said. “You’re such a girl.”

  “Hey, I’m not the one who sings like a girl,” his friend responded.

  “Looks like the boys are here.” Yaya pushed her cup away and stood up.

  The second voice sounded familiar, but I couldn’t put my thumb on where I heard it before. Maybe this was one of Axel’s friends I’d already met before. I was really forgetful when it came to names. I hoped I would remember this time.

  Axel opened the door first. “Yaya, I’m here! And it’s time to start the party.”

  Yaya ran to him and smothered his cheeks with kisses. “My boy, you’re so handsome and big.”

  “Thanks, Yaya,” Axel said. “And you’re beautiful, like always.”

  Yaya waved his comment away. “You’re sweet.”

  I approached the entryway and watched them have their moment. Embraces like that made me feel warm inside. It was easy to get swallowed up in depression. But times like this reminded me there was so much to live for.

  “Yaya, let me introduce you to my friend Hawke.”

  What did he say?

  Hawke stepped inside with a bag over his shoulder. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. Thank you for allowing me to spend the holiday with you.” He extended his hand to shake hers.

  Yaya ignored his gesture and pulled him in for a hug. “We hug around here. None of that handshaking crap.”

  Axel chuckled then set the bags down.

  “Sorry, I didn’t catch your name,” Hawke said as he patted her on the back. “Axel just said you’re his grandma.”

  She pulled away and patted his cheek. “It’s Yaya.”

  “Just Yaya?” he asked.

  Axel gripped his shoulder. “Just Yaya. Go with it.”

  “Okay,” Hawke said. “It’s nice to meet you, Yaya.”

  “The pleasure is mine, dear.”

  Was this really happening?

  Was I dreaming this?

  Hawke was staying here for the whole weekend?

  Why couldn’t I catch a break?

  Axel approached me and saw the expression on my face. “Whoa…just saw a ghost or what?”

  My eyes remained glued to Hawke. “Happy Thanksgiving…”

  “Uh, yeah.” He raised an eyebrow then gave me an awkward pat on the back. “Hawke, this is my annoying and bratty sister, Francesca.”

  When Hawke turned his gaze on me, he stiffened. The movement was so slight no one noticed but me. He took me in without reacting. His eyes didn’t display his thoughts like they usually did. They were infinitely deep, hiding away all his secrets.

  What do I say? What do I do?

  Hawke stepped closer to me, his eyes still glued to mine. He was clearly just as surprised to see me as I was to see him. Wearing jeans and a t-shirt, the casual attire made him look thick and strong. His conversation outside the house was so upbeat and friendly. I hadn’t heard him that way since our date. When he finally reached me, he examined my face like he was trying to gauge my thoughts. Then he extended his hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  I eyed it and didn’t know if I should take it. If I acted like I knew him, I would have to explain to my family how we met. And that was a story I didn’t want to tell. I had a feeling Hawke didn’t either. I took his hand, and the second we touched I felt that usual fire course between us. We were two poles carrying the same wire. Electricity ran between us, and once the touch was severed, so was the energy. “It’s nice to meet you too. And yes, my brother does sound like Carrie Underwood when he sings.”

  A genuine smile stretched Hawke’s face. “I knew I wasn’t the only one who thought so.” He dropped his hand, and I immediately felt cold like I knew I would.

  Axel watched our interaction but didn’t pick up on the obvious connection between us. “Hawke and I work at the firm together. The one that works us like mules.”

  “At least when we aren’t messing around.” Hawke shot Axel a teasing look.

  “I’m surprised we haven’t been fired yet,” Axel said.

  “At least you can pursue your dream with your vocal talents,” Hawke teased.

  Axel rolled his eyes. “Let it go, man. People are going to think you’re being serious.”

  Hawke laughed. “Dude, I am being serious.”

  “Don’t call me dude,” Axel said.

  I couldn’t help but be reminded of my relationship with Marie. I called her dude on accident a few times too.

  “Let me show you to your room,” Yaya said. “It has a nice view of the trees.”

  “I’m sure it does.” Hawke stared at me as he spoke.

  We watched each other for a long time before he turned away and headed up the stairs with Yaya.

  I stayed put and was vaguely aware of Axel standing next to me.

  “Nice guy, huh?”

  “Sorry?” I didn’t catch what he said.

  “I said Hawke is a nice guy. I’m sure you guys will like him.”

  I already liked him—and a little too much. “Yeah…”

  ***

  Hawke and I didn’t have a chance to talk for the rest of the evening. We were always in the company of Yaya or Axel. When we sat across the table from each other at dinner, he was constantly staring at me when no one was looking. And when my brother spoke to him, he seemed to be only half-listening.

  Yaya loved him, which didn’t surprise me. She loved everyone. It didn’t matter who you were. You were always welcome in her home. When Hawke complimented her cooking, she loved him even more.

  “Want to go fishing tomorrow?” Axel asked.

  “You have a lake up here?” Hawke asked.

  “It’s a mile hike.”

  Hawke nodded. “Yeah, count me in.”

  “You coming, brat?” Axel looked at me.

  I shot him a glare. “I have a name.”

  “Whatever,” Axel said. “You want to come?”

  “She has a beautiful name,” Yaya said. “Call her by it.”

  Axel wouldn’t dare defy her. “Francesca, would you like to go?”

  I didn’t want to be any closer to Hawke than I had to, but it didn’t seem like I had a choice. Besides, I loved fishing. It brought back good childhood memories. “Sure.”

  “You coming, Yaya?” Axel asked.

  “No, I’ll pass,” Yaya said. “I’m not a fan of the smell.”

  “Okay,” Axel said. “We’ll go
in the morning and be back by lunchtime.” Then he turned to me. “If you aren’t ready by six, we’re leaving without you.”

  “I’ll probably be awake before you.” My brother teased me a lot, but I knew it came from a good place.

  “You’re like a sloth,” Axel argued. “If I don’t poke you, you won’t move.”

  “And you’re like a snail. If I don’t pick you up and carry you, you’ll never go anywhere.”

  Yaya leaned toward Hawke. “They’ve been this way since they were kids.”

  Hawke chuckled. “It’s entertaining.”

  “Do you have siblings?” Yaya asked.

  “No, unfortunately.” He immediately took a sip of his water.

  “Consider yourself lucky,” Axel said.

  I never took his insults lying down. “And consider yourself lucky you don’t have a brother that sings like Carrie Underwood.”

  Hawke laughed but tried to stop himself.

  “Whatever.” Axel gathered the plates and took them to the sink. “I’m going to wash these just so I don’t have to look at your ugly face.”

  ***

  I sat in front of the fire while I read a book. The windows outside showed the forest and endless trees. It was a dark place, and sometimes my eyes played tricks on me when I looked into its depths.

  The TV was on, and Yaya sat in her usual recliner. Axel and Hawke were on the other couch. Even though I was reading, I could feel Hawke’s stare penetrate deep into my skin. I knew exactly when he was looking at me and when he wasn’t just from the heat of his gaze.

  Toward the late evening, Yaya yawned then left her recliner. “I’m going to bed. You guys have fun fishing tomorrow.”

  “We will,” Axel said.

  “Good night, Yaya,” Hawke said.

  I waved to Yaya as she walked up the stairs. “See you in the morning.”

  She stared at all of us with affection in her eyes. It looked like she was about to cry. “So nice having you here…” Then she walked up the stairs. When her footsteps receded and her bedroom door closed, we knew she was gone.

  “She’s a really sweet lady,” Hawke said.

  “Yeah, she’s pretty cool,” Axel said.

  They continued to watch TV.

  I went back to reading my book and knew Hawke was staring at me again. I couldn’t believe I had to spend the entire weekend with him. It was supposed to be a relaxing vacation but now I had to be on my guard the entire time. My goal was to stop thinking about Hawke but that was backfiring.