Her Christmas Cowboy

by Jessica Clare

Caleb glared at his younger brother, then turned back to his uncle. “If it’s not me, what is it?”

  For a moment, Uncle Ennis continued to study his half-completed crossword. Then he glanced over at Caleb. “Put yourself in her place. She’s divorced, right? New to this town. Lonely. The look on her face sometimes reminds me of one of the dogs I rescued back in the day. It was abandoned on the side of the road and I think it broke a little piece of his spirit. Every time I left, he howled at the door for hours. Every time I came back, I could have sworn there was this look of surprise on his face, like he didn’t expect me to return. And when I did, instead of being happy to see me, he’d bite me.” The old man chuckled.

  This . . . was a nonsense story. What did this have to do with his woman? “Amy’s not a dog.”

  “I didn’t say she was. The mentality is similar, though. Something’s hurt her badly in the past and she’s in defense mode. She’s lashing out because she doesn’t want to get hurt again. She’s trying to protect herself before you hurt her.”

  His Amy . . . hurt. It was like something clicked into place. The wild look in her eyes. The tears and frustration. Her constant need to be independent despite her aching loneliness. She was hurt, all right. Was that what was happening, then? Was she pushing Caleb away because she was afraid he’d break her like her ex had?

  He’d never hurt her. All he wanted was to love her. To be at her side and see her smile. To wake up in the morning with her in his arms, and to go to bed at night knowing she was right there next to him. Caleb loved her with all his heart. Had since the first moment he saw her.

  If she was hurting, he wanted to fix it. And she was giving up on him because . . . what? Because something in their relationship had scared her? He needed to see her. To reassure her that he was never going anywhere. That he’d be there for her, always, in whatever way she needed.

  He got to his feet.

  “Going somewhere?” Jack asked.

  “Need to think about how I’m going to fix this,” Caleb said. “And what Amy needs from me.”

  “Attaboy,” Uncle Ennis said. “Before you go . . .”

  Caleb turned to him. “What?”

  “Three-letter word for obfuscate?”

  Caleb sighed. “Haven’t the foggiest.”

  Jack snapped his fingers. “Fog!”

  “It is fog,” Uncle Ennis said. “Good call, boy.”

  If only everything in Caleb’s life were that easy. He left the kitchen and went back to the barn, thinking hard. He leaned against the barn door, eyeing the decorations. Amy would have loved them, he knew. She was so thrilled about everything he did for her, as if she never expected such kindness. That broke his damn heart all over again.

  His uncle was right. Something had spooked her, and she was running before she could get hurt again. The question was, how did he fix it?

  * * *

  * * *

  The answer to his problem came to him in the middle of the night. A fresh snow fell on the ground, thick and white, leaving the world blanketed in silence. It reminded him of Alaska on nights like this, and for some reason, it cleared his mind. Helped him think.

  He couldn’t “fix” Amy.

  There was nothing wrong with her. Was she terrified of being hurt again? Probably. Did she truly want to break up with him or was she just saving herself? He didn’t know the truth to that one. But he knew what he could do—the same thing he’d always done. He could be there for her. He could quietly support her and let her figure out her own way, all the while taking care of her. He could show her he wasn’t going anywhere. That whatever she needed, he’d provide.

  And maybe she’d learn to trust him.

  Didn’t matter if it took a long time. He wasn’t going anywhere. That was the best way to prove himself to her, Caleb realized. Not with fancy gifts or big productions. Just quietly being there for her.

  So he got up that morning before dawn, gazed out at the thick blanket of snow, and dressed. He tossed the snow shovel into the back of his truck and headed into town, parked in front of her house, and then cleared the driveway. He cleared the sidewalks, too, because he wanted it to be safe for her to walk. She was from the South, and all this snow was new to her. She slid all over the icy walkways because she hadn’t quite figured out how to get her feet in the winter yet, so he was going to quietly help out. He scraped the porch clear of snow, too, as silently as he could. She probably needed a good night’s sleep after yesterday’s turmoil, and he didn’t want to wake her.

  Even so, the light went on in the living room, and a few moments later, the front door opened. Amy stood there, shivering in her thin robe, her arms crossed over her chest. Her normally smooth dark hair was an utter mess, and her eyes were red and swollen from crying, the tip of her nose pink.

  Despite this, she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

  “What are you doing here?” Amy whispered, looking at him. There was longing in her eyes, and hurt, he realized, and his uncle was absolutely right. Whatever it was that was driving Amy right now, she still cared about him. It was a relief to see.

  He wanted to grab her and pull her to his chest. To hug the hell out of her and let her know that everything was going to be all right. There was a wariness to her posture, though, that told him it wouldn’t be permitted. So he just leaned on the shovel and tried to shrug, casually. “I’m shoveling snow.”

  “But why?” Her eyes watered and she swiped at her cheeks. “Why are you here?” There was a broken little catch in her voice that tore at him. “I told you we were done.”

  “I know.” Caleb forced himself to sound casual. Unaffected. It was harder than he thought, especially with those tears rolling down her cheeks. He wanted to brush them away and kiss her so hard that she was never sad again. Instead, he kept leaning against that damn shovel. “I wanted to do this anyhow.”

  “I didn’t ask you to,” she told him, accusing. “I didn’t ask you to do any of this. Anything! I can shovel my own walkway!”

  Her outburst was surprising. “I know you can. I just did it because I wanted to. Because I love you.”

  She looked up at him with eyes shining with tears. Her face crumpled, and then a ragged sob tore from her throat. “Caleb—”

  “I know. It’s okay.” He caressed her cheek, reaching out to touch her. “I promise it’s okay.”

  Amy sobbed harder, her shoulders shaking with her sadness. She looked so ready to collapse that he couldn’t stand on the porch any longer and just do nothing. Fuck doing nothing. He tossed the shovel aside and picked her up instead, carrying her into the house. She cried against his neck, burrowing against him as he carried her to her room and gently laid her on the bed. Donner was still in the blankets, his tail thumping cautiously as he sniffed the air. Caleb touched him, too, gave him a quick pet to reassure him, and then his attention was back on his Amy. His beautiful, sad, lovely woman.

  “Tell me what’s wrong so I can help you, baby.” It was the first time he’d called her something like that, and it felt good. Felt right.

  She cried harder, reaching for him. “I’m such a mess.”

  “You’re not a mess.” He sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled her into his arms, her legs crosswise over his lap. She clung to his neck, wetting his coat with her tears, and he stroked her hair and her arm, just touching her. Comforting her.

  “I am a mess,” she insisted, sniffling. “I wanted to be so independent, and I’m terrible at it. I can’t do anything. I’m broke and alone and I’m using you and I’m just . . . miserable.” A fresh round of tears erupted. “I wanted to be my own person and here I am, doing the same stupid shit. I’m falling into the same old traps and I’m dragging you down with me.”

  “You’re not dragging me anywhere I don’t want to go,” Caleb reassured her, stroking her back.

  “Yes, I am. You fixed
my ceiling, and my roof, and my window, and my sink . . .” She hiccuped. “And my car! You did all kinds of things for me. You drove me for days. You bought me a coffee maker. And I let you do all of it because I’m a user. I’m the worst.”

  “You’re not using me—”

  “Yes, I am!”

  He tried to follow her logic. “So, what—you let me fix up your house, and then to repay me you . . . slept with me?”

  She gasped and slapped his shoulder. “No!”

  “Then why do you think you’re using me?”

  “Because I should be independent—”

  “I think you’re mistaking independent for stubborn,” he muttered.

  She smacked his shoulder again. “I’m serious!”

  “I am, too.” Caleb held her closer, selfishly enjoying the feel of her in his arms, of her legs across his lap, the way she fit just perfectly against him. He wanted to bury his face against her neck and just breathe in her scent, breathe in her. Amy. The woman he loved, whose sadness was a palpable thing between them. “You never asked me to do any of those things, Amy. I did them because it didn’t feel right to me to see the problems and ignore them.”

  “That’s just it,” Amy said miserably. “I didn’t ask you, but I didn’t have to. I just acted helpless and you swept in and I let you.”

  “My side wasn’t completely innocent, either. I got something out of it, too, you know. I got to be around you. I actually took more time fixing things just so I could be around you, remember?” When she looked up at him, he gently touched her cheek, brushing away some of the tears. “There’s nothing wrong with asking for help or leaning on someone, baby. I helped you because I wanted you to have a sink that didn’t drip. Nothing more.”

  Her eyes filled with fresh tears. “I didn’t want to use you, Caleb. I never wanted that.”

  “You never have. I don’t know where you got it in your head that you did.”

  She shook her head, sad.

  “Just because I support you doesn’t mean that I’m being used. I help you because I like you, as a person. I help you because I’m a decent human, unlike that shithead Greg. I help you because I want to build you up, not tear you down or use it against you. That’s the difference.”

  Amy gazed up at him with such sad, sad hope in her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry.” He took her hand in his, kissed the palm. “Even if you don’t want to be with me, I’m still going to look out for you. Not because I want to push you back into my arms, but because I love you and care about you. If you don’t want me right now, it hurts me to my soul, but I understand. You do what you have to do, baby. I’ll support you all the way.”

  She flung her arms around his neck and squeezed, tight, her face against his neck. “You’re the best man ever.”

  “No, I’m not. I’m a shy cowpoke who never spoke a lick to any woman until you came along. Being with you makes me better, though. I bet in another year or two, I’ll be able to say hello to the cashier at the grocery store.”

  He liked that she let out a tiny giggle. Just a tiny one. It was a start. “What do you want?” he asked her.

  “You,” she said softly. “I want you, Caleb.”

  “I love you,” he told her again. “Nothing about that has changed. If you need time, I’ll give you time. But I’m still going to shovel your walkways because I don’t want you slipping and falling.”

  Her lower lip quivered. “I love you, too,” she whispered. “I don’t care that it’s only been a few weeks. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  His heart soared. He brushed away more tears. “Then what do you want to do?”

  She thought for a long moment, her fingers curling against his jacket. “I want you . . . and I don’t want us to break up.”

  “Then we don’t break up.” Caleb wanted to shout with joy, but he somehow managed to keep his voice calm.

  “But I don’t want to use you. I want to be independent.”

  He nodded. “I am absolutely fine with that. Like I said, all you need to do is point the way and I’ll be right at your side.”

  She straightened a little. “I think . . . I want my apartment.”

  “Then get that apartment.”

  Her expression fell. “I can’t. I don’t have the money. I’m all out of clothes and jewelry.”

  He frowned. “You’ve been selling your clothes?”

  Amy managed a small smile through her sniffles. “Oh yeah. Everything was designer and high-end. It was the only stuff I really got out of the divorce, other than the promise of alimony. So I’ve been selling my shoes and my handbags and anything I could to make ends meet while I waited for checks to come in.” A little sigh escaped her. “Money that’s never going to come in, now. My ex filed for bankruptcy just to screw me out of my alimony payments.”

  Hearing that made him irrationally angry. What kind of asshole let his woman suffer because she wanted to spread her wings? “I’ll give you that money,” he growled. “You tell me how much you need.”

  “No!” she said quickly. “I don’t want your money. I don’t want to use you, Caleb.”

  “You never have. I don’t know where you got it in your head that you . . .” Where was this coming from? He suddenly had an idea. His eyes narrowed. “You said your ex made you feel small. That he made you feel useless. Did he call you? Fill your head with this shit?”

  “He didn’t call me.” She smoothed her fingers over the front of his coat.

  Caleb sighed with relief.

  “He showed up on my doorstep.”

  Just like that, every muscle in his body went on high alert. The need to protect her—to shelter her—roared through him. “He what?”

  “He’s here in town,” she said in a small voice. “He showed up yesterday and tried to get me to go home with him.”

  Everything in him was screaming to find the bastard. His jaw clenched, and he could feel muscles twitching in his effort to remain calm. “What did you tell him?”

  “At first, I just . . . let him talk. I just shut down.” She buried her face against his neck again, quivering. “I hated that about myself. It only took moments for him to tear me down again.”

  “But you’re here,” he managed to say calmly. “You didn’t go with him.”

  “I told him I had a boyfriend,” Amy confessed. “And that I didn’t want to go with him.”

  Fierce joy rocked him. She’d stood up to the bastard. She’d stood up to the man who’d tried to make her so damn small and told him she had someone new. She had Caleb. He was so damn proud of her. Even more than that, everything was clicking into place. “Did he show up before or after you came to tell me we were done?”

  “Before,” she admitted, shamefaced. “He made me feel . . .”

  “I know.” Caleb could very well guess how her shitty, controlling, terrible ex-husband made her feel. “It doesn’t matter. I’m proud of you for standing up to him.”

  She sighed. “Don’t be too proud. He didn’t believe me. Or maybe he thought if he just kept talking like I was a babbling idiot that I’d believe him and cave. Either way, he said he’d be back today and that I had to be packed.” Her mouth twisted. “I’m not packed. I’m not going anywhere with him.”

  “Good.” He rubbed her back again. “That’s step one. You realize that you are an independent person and you don’t need his shit. Even if you and I don’t work out, you need to remember that you are an amazing, kind, thoughtful, generous person, Amy Mckinney, and anyone that tells you otherwise is a jackass and a fool.”

  Her eyes met his. “I want us to work out.”

  “I want that, too.” Caleb was determined to make the two of them work. He was willing to be as patient as he needed to be, as long as the end result was Amy in his arms. “And you want your apartment.”

/>   “I can’t afford it.”

  “Then you figure out a way to get the money, baby. If you want it, go after it.” He tilted his head, studying her. “Can I loan you the money?”

  A stubborn look crossed her face. “No.”

  Caleb grinned, because he’d known that answer before he even asked. “Then you figure out another way. You get a second job. Or you get a loan from the bank. You’ll figure something out. You’re smart.”

  Her eyes lit up. “A loan from the bank. I tried to get one when I first got divorced, but they said I didn’t have enough credit established. I’ve had a credit card for months now, though . . .” Amy beamed at him. “That’s a wonderful idea. Let’s go to the bank right now.”

  “Right now?”

  “What’s wrong with right now?”

  “It’s almost Christmas. Even if they’re open, they’re probably going to be swamped.” It was still early, the pale winter sunlight barely peeking through the gray clouds. “But I’m happy to go stand in line with you all morning if that’s what it takes.”

  She chewed on her lip, thinking. “I guess it can wait until tomorrow. Or, no, the day after tomorrow.” Her gaze focused on his face again and she studied him, eyes flicking up and down. “Are you . . . are you busy today?”

  Any plans he’d had went out the window the moment Amy had tried to break up with him yesterday. She was his priority. “I thought I’d spend today with the woman I love . . . but only if she wanted me there.”

  Her smile grew wider. “She does.”

  “Then I’m sure we can think of a few things to do today.” He leaned in and lightly kissed the tip of her nose.

  Amy lifted her head, raising her mouth for a kiss. “I have a few ideas.”

  “Just a few?” he murmured, lips brushing over hers.

  “They’re all basically the same idea,” she confessed. “And they all involve me getting you undressed.”

  “Funny, I was going to say the same thing.”

  She laughed and then quickly sobered, her gaze serious. “I’m so sorry, Caleb. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just panicked.”