I felt myself tense up, even though it hurt every inch of my body to do so. I could handle seeing the lads… But not her. I hoped to God she wasn’t here. What would she think of me if she saw me like this?
Effy Spencer.
An angel in a town full of reprobates and losers like me.
I already felt like I wasn’t enough for her. I didn’t need my fractured and feeble body to remind her how fucking useless I was too.
“Two visitors and that’s it,” I heard Constance bellow out over their loud voices, shutting them all up, then she started clapping her hands as if she didn’t already have everyone’s attention within a five mile radius. “You can come back tomorrow. You can go in, but don’t stay long. He needs his rest.”
A second later, I saw Ryan and Emily come in and hesitantly walk up to the side of my bed, standing over me like they were at my funeral and I was in a fucking coffin. Emily’s face was tear-stained but she was holding it together, for now, anyway.
Ryan reached forward and put his hand on my arm, then he frowned and asked, “What happened, mate? Did someone jump you?”
I shook my head, but I didn’t feel like opening up about it yet. I definitely didn’t want to let Ryan know what had really happened when Emily was in the room.
“Are you comfortable? Can we do anything for you? We could get the nurse back if you need more pain relief?” Emily said, gesturing to the door she’d just come through.
I could tell she was talking for the sake of talking. Nervous rambling. That’s what normal people do when they’re faced with a situation they feel uncomfortable in or they can’t control. I didn’t do that. When I felt uneasy or vulnerable, I clammed up, which happened a lot more than people realised.
“No,” I managed to croak out through my coarse, rough throat. “I’ll be fine.”
“You’re not fine,” Ryan snapped. “We need to know who did this. Was it the Lockwoods? Fuck. Brandon was right. You should’ve kept the boxing classes going. He knew something like this might happen. We’re targets…”
I rolled my eyes and he stopped, giving me the time I needed to get my thoughts together and speak. I wish the answer was as simple as it being beef with the Lockwoods. They were evil, and our history with them went way back. But this time, I couldn’t pin my shit on them. This went far deeper than that.
“It wasn’t Lockwood.” I grabbed for the water but Emily beat me to it, holding it under my chin and positioning the straw so I could drink.
“Thanks.” I sipped and then pulled away, letting her place it back onto the side table. “I can handle it. It’s nothing for you to worry about.”
“But we do worry.” Emily smiled at me with pity in her eyes. I hated that. I didn’t want anyone’s pity.
“So you did know them then? I swear to God, mate, if you think you’re dealing with whatever this is on your own, you’ve got another thing coming,” Ryan stated firmly, and then another voice from the door spoke over him.
“He won’t face anything alone. He’s got us. When we find the bastard, he’s fucking dead.” Brandon strolled into the room, filling the air around us with his presence. He was imposing, intimidating, larger than life, and the best fucking friend I could ever wish for. He stood on the opposite side of the bed to Ryan, looking like he was here to guard me.
“You know who it is, don’t you…” Ryan wasn’t asking. He knew Brandon and I shared things the rest of them didn’t know about. “It’s not helping if you keep this from us. We need to know what we’re dealing with.” He turned his focus onto me then. “Was this because of your graffiti? Were you in that alley working last night?”
I coughed as I tried to reply, but knowing I was struggling for an answer, Brandon spoke up for me.
“I know as much as you, Ry, mate,” Brandon said, using his best poker face. Technically, he wasn’t wrong. At that very moment, he did know as much as Ryan about the attack. But he also knew my history, and I was thanking every deity that’d ever been worshipped that he wasn’t spilling my secrets. Brandon might know as much as Ryan, but he could guess pretty easily what’d happened. A quick google search on my uncle’s release and he’d put two and two together. That was why I’d eventually opened up to him all those years ago. I knew he’d get it and he’d take my secrets to the grave. Me and him, we were cut from the same cloth.
“Fine.” Ryan ran his hands over his face and sighed. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I just feel so… fucked off. I don’t like seeing you lying here like this, Finn. You of all people don’t deserve this.”
“We all feel like that.” Brandon turned to grab a chair for Harper who was standing behind him, speechless and staring at me, clutching her mobile phone like she was on a white-knuckle ride.
“Are you feeling okay?” I asked her, and she huffed out a laugh.
“I should be asking you that.” She sat down and rubbed over her little baby bump, but she didn’t smile like she usually would’ve when she did that.
“We both feel better for seeing you awake and talking.” Brandon folded his arms over his chest. It was his way of holding himself back. The Brandon I knew probably wanted to punch the wall right about now, but he’d matured a lot since being with Harper. Even so, I could tell it was taking every ounce of strength he had to keep his arms safely locked down. “Have you talked to the police yet? Are they putting something in place to protect you in here?”
Ryan frowned and I could see the cogs in his brain going into overdrive.
“I haven’t spoken to anyone yet, but it’s nothing for any of you to worry about. I got jumped. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.” My attempt at detracting them from the truth was a weak one.
Ryan clucked his tongue and shook his head in exasperation.
“Nice try, mate, but I know you’re lying,” he said. “And when we find out who did this, they’re gonna regret ever going against one of our own. You’re our brother. They hurt you, they hurt us too.”
I loved Ryan for how strongly he believed in our whole brotherhood. Brandon too. I might’ve had a shit family life, but my friends were solid gold.
“Oh no you don’t!” came a booming voice from the hallway. “Two visitors. I told you that. Can’t you count?”
Suddenly, Nurse Constance came bustling into the room, puffing her chest out and flapping her arms around like a mad woman.
Then she stopped dead in her tracks and faced Brandon.
“I know you.” She narrowed her eyes at him, sussing him out, then turned to Ryan and Emily. “Come to think of it, I recognise both of you too.”
Emily went to speak, but Brandon cut her off.
“I have a unique face. If you knew me, you’d remember. One of a kind, that’s me.”
“Rocky!” Constance rocked back on her heels and then laughed like her lungs were bagpipes. “You’re the big man who fainted when I stitched you up. I’d recognise those tattoos anywhere!”
Brandon’s eyes went wide. “You’re stitching me up right now. Thanks for making me look like a prize dick in front of my girl.”
“You don’t need any help in that department,” Constance shot back, and we all turned to Brandon to see what his reaction would be. I held my breath, waiting for him to explode, and he did, with laughter.
“Queen of stitches, is that right? Queen of sass too.”
She winked at him, then glanced down at Harper.
“You’re a lucky girl,” she whispered, loud enough for us all to hear. “I can see my stitches worked their magic, he’s still a looker.”
Harper gave a low laugh and threaded her fingers through Brandon’s as she gazed up at him.
“And he’s all mine.” She sighed.
“Oh, dear lord,” Constance groaned, then turned on Ryan and Emily. “And I suppose you finally made your choice, missy? Can’t say I blame you. I’m a sucker for a pretty face too.”
Emily started to blush and then Constance flew into action.
“Well, that’s en
ough chit-chat. Out. All of you. Just because you’re all nice to look at doesn’t mean I’m going to bend the rules.”
She started to shoo Emily out of the room and Ryan smirked, following her, shaking his head and telling me he’d be back to visit again soon.
Brandon used the distraction to his advantage, leaning down and whispering, “I know what you did. I know why too. You can’t do it alone though, mate. You should’ve called me.”
“I don’t want you involved,” I hissed and then winced at the pain of trying to grimace with a face that felt like it’d been used for darts practise. I glanced at Harper, who was putting the chair back in the corner of the room, pretending she hadn’t heard us. “You have your own family to think about now.”
His eyes darkened, but he responded right away, speaking from the heart.
“You are my family. I won’t let this happen again. From now on, you tell me everything.”
I nodded, because I knew that’s what he needed to make himself feel better. But I knew I’d do the same thing again when I was out of here. This was my problem to solve, not his.
“We’ll leave you for now, but we’ll be back later, okay?” Brandon said, strolling with Harper towards the door. But when he swung it open, the bottom dropped out of my world. There, on the other side, looking totally destroyed, was Effy Spencer.
“What the fuck?” Brandon cursed under his breath. “I thought I told you not to text her?” He glared at Harper who huffed right back at him.
“I didn’t.”
Emily was standing next to Effy with her arm around her shoulders. Hearing Brandon start on Harper, she shut him down, announcing plainly, “I did. So, sue me.”
She gave Brandon a look, daring him to argue with her, then sent a sympathetic glance Harper’s way before turning to look at me through the doorway.
“She needed to know. She worries about you too. You know that.”
I didn’t know how to react. This was one of those times that I was clamming up. What was I supposed to say? Thank goodness you called her over here so she can see how weak and feeble I really am, after getting the shit kicked out of me by a forty-five year old paedophile? I already felt like pond scum whenever she was around. I didn’t need any help on that score.
I watched her as she bit her lip and hovered by the door, and looking at her made the rest of the world fall away. She was always the only girl I ever saw. But she was too good for me. What would a girl like Effy want with a fucked-up, socially inept loser like me?
The others said their goodbyes, but I didn’t answer. All I could focus on was Effy. Seeing her made the pain dissolve into thin air, overtaken by my racing heart and the resounding beat in my ears.
I wished life could be different. That she could be mine. But my life and hers were light years apart, and she didn’t deserve to be dragged into the hell that was my world. I loved Effy Spencer with all my heart, had done for years, but I could never let her know. If she came too close to me, she might get burnt, and I couldn’t take that chance. I wasn’t ever going to let that happen. I loved her enough to let her go.
She came into the room and closed the door, then pulled up a chair to sit next to the bed. All the time, she kept her eyes on the floor. I loved that about her, that she was as shy as I was. On her, it was endearing. It showed how pure she was that she was so hesitant around others, always careful to say and do the right thing. With me, it just made me look like a twat who couldn’t string a sentence together.
“I’m sorry if you don’t want me here…”
She was the only one I ever wanted to be around, and the one person I had to push away.
“But when Emily rang me, I had to come.” She lifted her head to look at me and the shine of tears in her eyes made my thumping heart ache for her. A thousand beatings from my uncle wouldn’t hurt half as much as seeing her in pain because of me. It was a stark reminder of why I was no good for her. A lifetime of my crap wouldn’t be fair on anyone, least of all her.
“Are you okay?” She went to reach forward, then thought better of it and wrung her hands in her lap.
“I’ve been better.” I kept my head down, focusing on the cheap blue hospital blanket draped over the bed. I couldn’t take another second of the pity in her eyes. What woman would want a man that made her feel like that? Surely they wanted a protector like Brandon, or a fixer like Ryan and Zak. Nobody wanted an emotional cripple like me. I knew I had to let her go, and yet, I couldn’t seem to make that final cut. It was too painful.
“What happened? Was it a gang? I know there’s been a bit of trouble lately with gangs from outside Sandland coming in and causing problems.”
I thought about denying it, but getting done over by a gang, outnumbered and overpowered, sounded better than the reality of it all. So, I shrugged and let her make up her own mind. At least her version made me look like less of a dickhead and a coward.
“You know I’m here for you, don’t you? If you need anything… I can bring some clothes in. Have they told your family?” She glanced around the room, looking for evidence that they’d been here. Pigs flying past the window was more likely to happen than my parents running down here to see me. They’d probably do a quick phone call to check I was still alive and leave it at that.
“Shall I pop round and get you some stuff? You know, pyjamas, toiletries, that sort of thing?”
“I’ll get Brandon to do it. It’s fine,” I snapped. The last place I wanted her to be was at my parent’s house. What if my uncle rocked up and saw her? I wouldn’t put it past him. I felt sick at the thought of him even looking at her, let alone being near her. Sick bastard.
“I shouldn’t have come.”
“No, you shouldn’t.” I regretted saying it the second the words fell out. The last thing I wanted to do was make her feel worse. “I don’t like you seeing me like this,” I added, trying to claw back some dignity.
“I just don’t want you to feel like you’re alone, Finn. Please.” The sadness in her eyes broke me, and I closed my own to stem the tears that were trying to push their way out.
“I’m tired. I need to rest.” I turned my head away from her and kept my eyes shut tight. When I heard the click of the door, indicating that she’d left, I glanced back towards the chair where she’d sat, and I couldn’t stop the tears from falling free.
In my dreams, I was her everything.
In reality, I was her worst nightmare.
Only, she refused to see it. But maybe, after seeing me here, she’d finally walk away.
Why did that thought make me feel like giving up entirely?
The moment I took that call from Emily, my heart shattered into a million pieces, and each piece pierced my soul until it hurt to breathe. I thought coming down here would ease the excruciating pain somewhat, but it only made it worse.
He didn’t want me here.
He didn’t care that I cared.
And yet, when I looked into his eyes, I could see all the pain he held inside him, like tidal waves of dark emotions crashing against his impenetrable walls, desperate to break free.
I don’t know why I kept doing this to myself. Going through the hurt and rejection every damn day, only to pick myself up and dust myself off again, ready to endure more heartache. But I did, because he had a way of pulling me back in whenever I pulled away, sometimes without even trying. All it took was a look, a sigh, a silent signal from his soul to mine. You see, our souls were made of the same energy, the same level of intensity. Only thing was, he couldn’t see it yet. Or if he did, he was fighting it.
I tried not to show how much it hurt to look at him lying broken in the hospital bed. His eyes were so swollen that you could barely see the emerald-green sparkles that I always got lost in. His soft, full lips were split and the urge to reach out and touch them was all-consuming. I wanted to make him feel better, but he couldn’t look at me. Instead, he focused on anything in the room other than me, using his dark hair to shield himself as it fell ac
ross his eyes.
When he turned his face away from me to rest, I held in the sob that rippled in my throat. He didn’t need my misery on top of his own. His shoulders were already sagging; overloaded with the weight of his troubled life. A life I had no idea about, but I wanted to. I was that woman, clinging onto the edge of the cliff as the rocks fell away, desperately hanging on, but knowing eventually she’d have to let go and hope for the best. Resigning myself to the reality of my fate as I slipped further over the precipice, only to claw myself back to safety, spurred on by the occasional, fragile lifelines he threw my way. The latest lifeline came to me right then, as I stood in the hallway, leaning up against his hospital door. The heart-breaking sound of him crying into an empty room.
I wanted to go back in. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and remind him he wasn’t alone. But I couldn’t. If I did, I knew I’d destroy any self-respect he had left. It was bad enough that I’d seen him beaten and bloody. For me to witness him so vulnerable would probably destroy him completely.
Instead, I leant my forehead against the door and prayed to God that whoever had hurt him would get their ass kicked even harder when karma finally caught up to them. And I swore that I’d try harder to be the type of friend he needed. Not some love-sick teenager, following him around like a lost puppy, but a rock he could count on. I’d loved Finn Knowles since the first time I’d laid eyes on him in high school. But I could never tell him. I knew that was a sure-fire way to scare him off. So, I accepted whatever place I could hold in his life. After all, being a friend was better than being a nobody.
I pushed myself off the door I was leaning against, even though I felt the magnetic pull trying to reel me back in, keep me in place; mind, body and soul. As I walked back down the corridor to leave, my heart hurt, and it took every scrap of willpower I had to get out of there.
When I reached the exit, I saw Liv huffing and puffing her way up the hospital’s entrance ramp towards me. Her eyes were fixed on the floor, her brow scrunched deep in thoughts that kept her oblivious to the world around her. I hadn’t realised she’d be that affected by Finn’s accident, but when she looked up and saw me, her face fell. A wash of pity and sorrow came over her, and I knew then that it wasn’t Finn she was here for, or him she was worrying about. It was me.
Fractured Minds (Rebels of Sandland Book 3) Page 2
