“I didn’t expect to see you here.” I stopped in my tracks and let her walk the final few steps towards me.
“Em rang me. She didn’t want you to be alone, and neither do I. Are you okay?” She tilted her head to look me in the eyes, concern radiating off of her.
“I’m fine. Finn isn’t though. He’s in a bad way, Liv.”
She nodded and her eyes dipped back down again. I could tell she was thinking about what to say next, choosing her words carefully. It wasn’t often that Liv was apprehensive over what she had to say, but when she was, she had the same look on her face that she did now. A look of uncertainty over whether her next move was a wise one, and when she spoke again, I could tell she was stalling.
“I know it’s not good. I got the low-down from Em, and I’m sorry he got attacked like that. It’s really shit.”
She spoke from the heart, and as she reached out to pull me to her, I let her. I needed a hug from my best friend.
“Yes, it is,” I said in a muffled voice as I buried my face into her cashmere scarf.
“How was he when you went in?”
Reluctantly, I stepped out of her embrace and wiped the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand.
“He looks a mess. His eyes are swollen, his face is fucked up. He’s in a lot of pain.”
Liv gave me a sorrowful smile and shrugged.
“I kind of guessed that part. I meant, how was he with you?”
I knew what she was getting at. She wasn’t here for the rundown on Finn’s physical state, she’d gotten that already from Emily. She was here to see where my head was at… as if she didn’t already know.
“He was… Finn,” I answered as honestly as I could. “He didn’t want me there. That much was obvious. But apart from Ryan, Brandon, and Zak, who else has he got?”
Liv grabbed me by my shoulders a little too tightly, making me flinch and jerk backwards slightly.
“It’s not your job to fix him, Eff,” she said, taking hold of me again and shaking me.
“But I’d be a really shitty friend if I just walked away.” I pushed her arms off of me and started to head away from the hospital doors we were currently blocking. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have in full view of the whole reception area.
“Friends. Is that what you want?” she called out after me. “Because it’s pretty clear to me that’s not what this is about.” Liv marched to catch me up, and tried to stop me by grabbing my arm, but I needed to keep moving. Those metaphorical walls were closing in, and I had to put some space between me and the impending interrogation she was about to throw my way. “He might be in there hurting, but you’re in as much pain as he is, and you shouldn’t be. He isn’t being fair. You want more than friendship, and he’s an emotional cripple who can’t get his head straight. You deserve more than that.”
Hearing her cruel words, I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around to face her.
“Don’t call him that.”
“Why not? It’s true.” She flung her arms out and gave me a look that told me I needed to wake up. But I didn’t like her version of my reality. “He’s kept you dangling for ages now. Acts like he’s interested then freaks out when you get close. He blows hot and cold all the time, and I feel like a right bitch for saying this when he’s lying in a hospital bed, but he’s not good enough for you. Find a guy that fights for you, chases you; makes you feel like you’re the only girl in his world. One that’ll shout from the rooftops that he likes you and doesn’t care who knows about it. Don’t you want that for yourself?”
“Of course I do. Listen, Liv, I know what you’re saying, but now is not the right time. He needs me.”
“You need you. He needs to help himself. Find the support from the lads, or lean on his family more. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.”
I knew she spoke sense, but it still hurt to hear it.
“Life isn’t black and white,” I spat. “Not for Finn, anyway.”
He had a story, a crutch that was holding him back from living freely. Only trouble was, I had no idea what that crutch was. Or was it a boulder? A massive chain around his neck, weighing him down in the gutter like an anchor. Was it dragging me down too?
“Maybe I’m being harsh at a really shitty time.” Liv’s shoulders sagged and she wrapped her arms around herself. “I’m not known for having perfect timing or tact, but I don’t care about that. I care about you.”
I went towards her, dropping my anger and ditching the flimsy wall I’d built only seconds ago.
“I appreciate your concern, really, I do. You’re my best friend, but I’m not a kid. I know what I’m doing.”
“You’re too nice.” She sighed, then gave a soft laugh. “You need a fucker like me with balls of steel to stand up and say when you’re being made a mug of.”
“He isn’t making a mug of me.”
Is he?
“He isn’t treating you right either.”
She’d hit the nail on the head.
I’d seen how Ryan changed for Emily, and how Brandon was obsessed with Harper. I’d always hoped that in time, Finn would come to see me as something more than what he saw now. But I had to face facts… That day might never come, no matter how much I prayed for it.
“Fine. Whatever. I really don’t want to talk about this now. I’ve got enough on my mind. It’d be nice to know you have my back at least.” I was being defensive, I knew that, and I cringed at how rude I sounded, but I didn’t have the energy for this anymore. I was tired and drained of any and all arguments.
“I’ll always have your back. That’s why I’m here. Just be careful, okay? I know you. I know how much you feel for him. I also know that when he breaks your heart, and it will happen, it’ll destroy you. I’m here to let you know I’ll pick up every damn piece, one by one, but I’ll be crushing his balls in a vice with my other hand as I do. Take care of your heart. It isn’t safe with him.”
I didn’t reply, I just turned and walked the last few steps to Liv’s car and got in, feeling numb. In the back of my mind, all I could think about was horses, stable doors, and bolting. You know, that old saying. She said my heart wasn’t safe with Finn, but it was too late. I’d given my heart to him years ago. It was lying in the palm of his hand. Now, all I could do was hope there’d be something left when he eventually gave it back.
Five years ago
“Show them weakness and they’ll walk all over you. No one is ever what they seem. You need to remember that,” Brandon said, pointing his fork in my face as we sat in the noisy school cafeteria.
Brandon meant well, and I knew he was trying to toughen me up in his own way, but it was easy for him. He had the strength and the muscle to back him up when shit hit the fan. That wasn’t how I did things. I usually found burying my head in the sand was a better option for me, but failing that, I preferred to live in the shadows. Keep myself to myself and avoid the drama, if I could. Silence wasn’t weakness. Not in my book. Silence showed an inner strength. I kept my demons under lock and key so the rest of the world didn’t have to witness what true evil lurked out there, and what it could do to kids like me.
“I’m not weak.” I bit down on my stale ham sandwich, even though my appetite was non-existent, my mouth was dry, and I was struggling to chew. Sitting here, having everyone’s eyes on us, made me feel self-conscious. The others liked the attention. I didn’t. I might have been a Renaissance man in name, but truthfully, I didn’t deserve the title. What did I bring to the group?
Brandon sat tall, as always, but I kept my head down, choosing to sketch the skull design I’d been working on all morning, and balancing my sandwich in my other hand. That way, I could block the world out.
They had big plans; Ryan, Brandon, and Zak.
Me?
I was tagging along for the ride.
They wanted to own Sandland, be kings of this shitty little town. Ryan, he had a head for numbers. Zak was all about technology. And Brandon
? He was going to fight his way to the top. But I didn’t fit in. I wasn’t cut out to be a king. I was a follower. A loner. I liked my own company, and I hated being in crowds. After the meetings we’d had in Zak’s bedroom, discussing parties and fights we could organise, I struggled to see what my role could be. My only talent was fading into the background, not being noticed, and art.
I watched as Ryan dropped down heavily into the chair opposite us. His tray of food clattering onto the table made me flinch, and he quirked his eyebrow at me questioningly, then proceeded to attack his burger like he hadn’t eaten in days. I was about to ask him how his maths test had gone, but he froze, and his eyes darted to the door where Emily Winters stood, glancing around hesitantly, probably looking for her older brother, Danny. Ryan tried to hide the blush on his cheeks and the way his hands began to shake slightly, but I noticed. He had a thing for Emily, but he didn’t want anyone to know. He had too much respect for Danny to ever go there.
“Take this joker,” Brandon said, totally oblivious to Ryan’s current predicament. He nodded at some kid walking out of the food service area, carrying a tray loaded with a mountain of spaghetti and meatballs. I glanced up from my drawing, not really caring about some random dude I’d never met before. Brandon leant into me, so that Ryan couldn’t hear. “He stood by and watched me get my ass kicked a few years ago, back when Lockwood and Yates thought they were someone. The idiot just stood there and laughed while they kicked the shit out of me in an alleyway at the side of McDonalds. I begged that fucker to get help. I thought they were gonna kill me that day. But he shook his head and cackled like a motherfucker at what they were doing. He was glad it wasn’t him getting the beating. He didn’t have the balls to help me. Now look at him. Shady fucker. Revenge is sweet, my friend.”
Brandon winked at me, and I watched as he slid his foot out to the side and the kid tripped over it and fell on his ass. The tray crashed to the floor and he followed close behind, face planting the spaghetti. The noise and commotion Brandon created made every person in the cafeteria stop what they were doing to look over at us. Gasps and muffled laughter resounded in the air as the kid stood up, his lunch dripping off his face and down his clothes. He was a fucking mess. I couldn’t keep the shock off my face, but Brandon threw his head back and laughed. He laughed just like this kid had done in the alley all those years ago.
“What the fuck, man?” Ryan glared at Brandon and went to stand up, but a voice made him drop back down into his chair.
“You’re a no-good, nasty bully, Brandon Mathers. Why would you do that?” Emily Winters was on her knees, scraping up what was left of this kid’s lunch onto the tray he’d dropped, and giving Brandon a look that could kill.
Brandon shrugged as if he’d picked the guy at random, just because he could. He didn’t let on that they had history. Why would he? That’d show weakness, and like he said, that’s something you could never show.
“I think he’ll live.” He gestured to the kid, who was a little on the larger side. “He’s got enough energy stored up to last him ‘til Christmas. Or maybe he can drop by McDonalds on his way home.” He said that last part through gritted teeth, and the kid narrowed his eyes at Brandon, and then recognition struck. He snapped his mouth shut, started to mumble something about getting out of there, and backed into a corner to get away from us. He knew why Brandon had targeted him, and he probably realised, in some sick and twisted way, he deserved it.
“One day, someone bigger and tougher is going to come along and teach you a lesson. Bullies never win,” Emily said over her shoulder as she followed the kid to try and help him.
“Never gonna happen, Winters. I’m the best. Or didn’t you get the memo? I can show you, after school, if you like?” He winked at her and then grinned like a lunatic, but she huffed as she stormed away. She wasn’t scared of him. She looked like nothing intimidated her.
“Back off,” Ryan snapped, and I started to zone out as the two of them began arguing about what Brandon had just done. I didn’t hear a word they said because my mind had switched to a kaleidoscope of heightened emotions I couldn’t fathom, watching another girl next to Emily, who was helping the kid clean himself up and calm down.
She had a curtain of bobbed brown hair that she used to hide her face, and she knelt down to take something out of her bag. Without a word, she pulled an apple and a chocolate bar from inside and slipped them into the kid’s pocket. He didn’t even notice and she didn’t tell him. Her act of kindness was a silent one, one she thought would go unnoticed, but I saw.
This girl was beautiful. Stunning even. Her beauty shone quietly, making me feel all out of sorts. It was a beauty that radiated from goodness. I could tell from one glance, one selfless act, that she was everything. Good, kind, honest, unassuming. She made me want to stand up and call out to her, let the whole school know what she was doing and why she was so fucking awesome. I’d never seen anything like what I’d just witnessed. In my world, people took. They took advantage, stole your trust, your innocence. But not her. She gave. And right now, she was giving me goosebumps.
“Earth to Knowles. Come in, Knowles.”
I hadn’t noticed Zak joining us. He clicked his fingers in front of my face and broke through my hypnotic state. I shook my head slightly and stared right back at him.
“What?”
He nodded his head in the direction of the angel in the shadows and laughed.
“Don’t tell me you’re getting a thing for Danny’s sister, Emily, too?”
He threw a chip into his mouth and smirked as he ate it. I swallowed back my answer, choosing instead to keep my thoughts to myself. If he wanted to think I liked Emily, then I’d let him. It didn’t bother me. But she wasn’t the girl I saw when I looked over into the corner, and I didn’t want to share that with him. I didn’t want to share her with anyone. I had secrets, and the way I felt when I looked at that girl was another one. A better one. The best kind of secret.
Present Day
I woke with a start as I heard the click of the door to my hospital room closing. Feeling like my body was made of bricks, I reluctantly rolled over in my bed to see who was invading my space, and heard a low, whispered voice in the shadows of the morning light.
“What did you do?”
Alice stood against the door, looking as pale as a ghost, and the horror painted across her face made me feel both anger and guilt. I hadn’t told her what I’d planned to do that night, when I sought him out. I didn’t want her trying to change my mind. She’d fought her battle already. Now, it was my turn.
“I did what needed to be done. Well… I tried.”
She sighed heavily and stepped out of the shadows to take a seat by the side of my bed. She had a brown paper bag in one hand and a disposable coffee cup in the other, and once she got closer, I could see the familiar logo and smell the delicious breakfast that lay inside. I didn’t realise I was hungry until that moment, and right on cue, my stomach caught up with my brain and growled in protest at being ignored for so long.
“Here,” Alice said, plonking the coffee and food onto the side table. “You look like you could do with a decent breakfast.”
I took the coffee first, wincing as my arm ached from the movement. I figured a shot of caffeine would help me get through this conversation, and possibly numb the pain, but the sting from my lips as I tried to sip reminded me that it’d take a lot more than a decent cup of coffee to solve my problems. Despite my discomfort, I went to open the bag, but stopped when Alice spoke.
“I don’t want you going after him, Finn. I know he’s out of jail, but I can’t cope with it. I can’t deal with any more heartache. Do you hear what I’m saying?”
I heard her. I didn’t like what I was hearing though.
“I don’t want you playing the hero,” she carried on. “You need to put a stop to the crazy, vigilante thoughts you’ve got going on in that head of yours. If you really want to help me, stay away from him. Forget he exists. I have. It
’s the only way I can survive the nightmare. He is nothing as far as I’m concerned.”
But he did exist. He was still as big, as ugly, and as brutal as ever. And that was something I’d never forget.
“You going after him again, Finn, it’s dragging it all back up for me. I know you feel like you need to get justice, but this isn’t the way. You’ll never win like this. He’ll always be one step ahead of you. One punch harder than you. One fucked-up thought away from destroying you too. Do you think I want to see my little brother go to prison because of that man?”
I’d happily do time if it meant he was out of our lives and our minds.
“No, Finn. I don’t,” she answered, before I’d even had the chance to gather my thoughts. “I don’t want him tainting another inch of our lives. Not anymore. Mum and Dad might be hopeless. They never believed me, no matter what I said. But you? You kept me going, Finn. I can’t lose you.” I heard her voice break as she spoke the last part, and my heart ached for my silently strong sister all over again. Just as it always did when we were kids.
“You won’t lose me. Not ever.”
She wouldn’t.
If there was one thing I could guarantee in this world, it was that I would always be there for Alice. We shared an unbreakable bond, forged from a broken history that only we could comprehend. One that tethered us in a way most siblings would never know, but secretly, they’d be thankful they never had to experience the horror that we did.
“I will lose you if you keep going down this path you’ve chosen,” Alice pleaded. “It’s a dead end. A road to destruction. Anything that leads you to where he is is going to take you straight to hell. If you’ve got any sense, you’ll do what I’m gonna do.” The way her eyes implored me to listen made me sit up straighter in my hospital bed. I knew I wasn’t going to like what came next.
Fractured Minds (Rebels of Sandland Book 3) Page 3
