“Oh, Eff. I’m so sorry. What did he say to you?” Emily asked in that caring tone of hers.
“It’s not what he said, it’s just… ugh… I can’t do this anymore. I’m not strong enough.” I gripped the arms of the chair tightly as I tried to calm down, and the gentle sway of it rocking me to and fro helped somewhat.
“Now, listen here. You are strong. Don’t ever tell yourself you’re not. Whatever happened back there, you cannot let it break you.” Emily spoke with determination. She knew what it felt like to fight for what you wanted. But I wasn’t Emily. I didn’t have her eternal optimism.
“It already has broken me.”
I let Emily hug me as Harper knelt down with us and stroked my arm in comfort. I didn’t know what I’d do without my friends.
“Men can be jerks,” Harper said, shaking my knee to make sure I was listening. “We all know that. Finn is complicated and as frustrating as hell, but he loves you, Effy. I know he does. We can all see it.”
“Does he?” If she’d asked me last night, I might have agreed, but today was a different matter.
“Maybe that’s what’s scaring him most of all? That he loves you so much he doesn’t know how to handle it.”
So much he can’t bear to see this through and bails every chance he gets?
“That’s a bullshit excuse and you know it.” I sniffed back my pitiful tears and wiped my face.
“I know.” Harper had been there. She knew better than anyone what it was like to love someone against all the odds. But Brandon didn’t walk out on her, not once. He fought for her.
Why wouldn’t Finn fight for me?
Because maybe, deep down, he doesn’t want you as much as you want him?
Or maybe, he doesn’t have any fight left in him.
“It doesn’t make me feel any better. This whole back and forth thing is wearing me down.” I sighed. “I don’t think I’ll come to the cinema tonight. I’m not in the mood and I’m really not great company.”
“Okay, just stop right there.” Emily leaned back and pointed at me. “You are coming. There’s no way we are going without you. And if you don’t want to go out, we’ll have a girls’ night in. End of.”
“Yes!” Harper agreed. “I would come too, but these gremlins inside me make me sleepy by six o’clock. Sorry.” She rubbed over her bump and the love shone out of her. I felt guilty that it actually made me jealous. I wanted what she had.
“I didn’t even wait for you to show me the nursery,” I said by way of an apology and to distract myself from my own envy. “I just burst in here like an idiot.”
“Oh shut up, you’re welcome in any room of ours. Nowhere is off-limits. Do you like it?” She glanced around the room, smiling to herself.
“It’s perfect. Did Finn paint all of this?” I asked, but I already knew the answer. No one else could have pulled off something like this.
“Yeah. These were all his ideas.” She ran her hand down the wall lovingly. “We both come and sit in here most nights to look at it. He’s so talented. He might be rubbish at showing his emotions in real life, but his art says everything about him. He feels too much, too hard.”
I looked closer at the magical scenes he’d created with fairies chasing pixies. There were gnomes in various poses; fishing, playing games and falling head first into the water. Elves hid behind doorways in the tree trunks and looked ready to play tricks on anyone who crossed their path. The colours were so vibrant and unlike anything he’d ever done before. And then I saw, camouflaged on a tree branch, the words ‘You are loved’ and I teared up all over again.
“Eff, you have to do what’s right for you,” Emily whispered, sensing my shift in mood. “If that means you walk away, walk away. But for what it’s worth, I don’t think he’d want that. You need to follow your heart.”
I choked back a sob as I replied, “Follow my heart? Which part? Because right now, it’s shattered into a million pieces.” I slumped forward and hung my head in shame. “I don’t want to be a doormat.”
“You’re not a doormat. And fuck anybody who says you are. They’re dicks. They know fuck all,” Harper stated firmly.
“Are you bitching about Brandon again?” Ryan appeared at the doorway, smirking at us.
“What are you on about now?” Emily teased him.
“You said they know fuck all. I thought you were talking about this knobhead here.” Ryan thumbed behind him and Brandon appeared, but from the kindness behind the fake glare he threw at Ryan, I could tell he knew exactly what’d happened in here and what we were talking about.
“I know what I need to know and that’s that you’re the only dickhead in here, mate.” Brandon puffed his chest out, like he needed any more help to look menacing. “Now fuck off, you’ve outstayed your welcome.”
Ryan laughed back at him. “You coming out with us later?”
Brandon shook his head. “Not this time. Me and the missus have a date with Netflix, a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, and our bed for tonight.”
“Rock and roll.” Ryan smirked.
“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
I stood up at the same time Emily did.
“We’ll give you a lift home and then I’ll be picking you up at seven, no arguments.”
I went to reply to her, but Brandon butted in.
“We’ll take Effy home.”
Emily frowned and Brandon turned to Ryan and said, “Don’t you have that thing? You know… the thing.” He nodded and widened his eyes as if he was trying to jog Ryan’s memory on something they’d never even talked about.
“Ah! Right. The thing.” Ryan nodded back and then turned to Em. “Come on, we need to go. You’ll be alright with this clown taking you home, won’t you?” he asked me.
I felt like a kid being passed from one unwilling parent to the other.
“I can make my own way home. It’s no big deal.”
“Nonsense. We’ll drive you,” Harper said, waving my argument away with a flip of her hand.
“Has Zak gone all ready?” Emily asked as she walked over to Ryan and wrapped her arm around his.
“Yeah. I think he went after Finn. I’ll talk to you in the car.” He winked, and I knew that my love-life––or lack of it––would be the hot topic on their way home. But then thinking about what he was insinuating, that he had something to tell her, made my stomach turn over with fear, followed by dread. Was there something they were hiding from me?
We made our way to the front door, said our goodbyes, and then I followed Harper and Brandon back into the living room. Once it was just the three of us, I started to feel awkward.
“Effy, is it okay if we take a detour before we drop you off home?” Brandon asked. “Only, there’s something I’d like to show you.”
“What the hell are you up to, Mathers?” Harper crossed her arms over her chest and threw accusatory daggers his way.
“Trust me, angel. I think you’ll enjoy seeing this too.”
She smiled to herself and then reached for her coat from the stand.
“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go.”
Brandon pulled the car into the car park of the local park, and when he turned the engine off, we both looked at him and frowned.
“What the hell are we doing here, babe? It’s freezing out there. Not really park weather.”
He turned to face Harper and then looked back at me sitting in the back seat.
“We aren’t here for the park. There’s something I want to show you.” He pointed towards the far side where there was an underpass leading to nowhere. Everyone who lived around here knew it was the prime spot for the homeless and druggies of Sandland. My mouth went dry. Was he going to show me that Finn was on something or sleeping rough?
Brandon seemed determined though, and despite both mine and Harper’s reluctance, we got out of the car and followed him across the grass. A few families were out with their kids, but it wasn’t busy. The chill in the air kept the park relativel
y empty, and as we ventured further in, the green and slightly muddy grass became dirt, broken bottles and litter. There was a slight incline to walk down as we got nearer to the underpass, and Brandon put his arm around Harper to help her so she didn’t lose her footing. Once he knew she was safe, he turned around and offered his other hand to me, but I shook my head, letting him know I was okay.
I kept my eyes on the floor to make sure I didn’t stumble over a rogue bottle or slip on a can… or worse. When I sensed they’d both stopped in front of me, I stopped too, and when I looked up, I had to reach out to Brandon to stop myself from falling over. There, on the wall amongst the dirt and filth, was a huge painting of my face. It was so big it took up the whole wall. I felt like the rest of the world faded into darkness, muted to black and white as I stared up at myself. The way he’d used flecks of colour in my eyes to make it seem as though I was staring right into my own soul was mesmerising. My hair, layered with so many different browns and gentle highlights, was stunning. I was speechless and I didn’t know how to process what I was seeing or feeling.
“Oh my God,” Harper gasped. “This is beautiful.” She looked up at Brandon with tears in her eyes and then turned to me with a sad smile.
“Did I make a mistake bringing you here?” Brandon asked me as he put his arm around Harper and pulled her closer.
“No. I don’t know what to say though.” I stood frozen to the spot, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the image before me.
“He’s my best friend, Effy. I would do anything for him. I want him to be happy, and you… you make him happy. He can’t tell you how he feels. He struggles to show you, but this…” He gestured to the wall and sighed. “This says it all. He loves you, Effy. I heard what you said back at our apartment, and I know he isn’t the easiest guy to love. I know all about that. But please don’t give up on him. If he lost you, I don’t think he’d ever come back from that.”
I bit my lip, trying desperately to think of something to say.
“I don’t mean to emotionally blackmail you,” he continued. “Or force you into doing something you don’t think is right. But I figured if I showed you this, you’d know that the way you feel, it isn’t one-sided.”
I nodded and concentrated on not free-falling into a total meltdown in the middle of the park.
“He’ll probably kick my ass for showing you, but I think this is the right time.” Brandon reached out and touched my arm, squeezing gently as if he were trying to rouse me out of my vegetative state. “Are you okay?”
“It’s a lot to take in,” I answered as honestly as I could. “I mean, pictures on paper are one thing, but this? This is… everything.”
“He’ll come round. When he’s ready, he’ll open up to you. I know because I did. It just takes time. Time and love. You have that last part, just give him the first, yeah?”
“I’ll give him forever,” I said and a tear fell free.
I knew Finn had been through something bad. I also realised that I needed to listen to the other sounds he made, not just his voice. I had to listen to the meaning behind his actions, his expressions, his body language, and his art. All of it was his way of communicating, and as tough as that was sometimes, it was the only way forward for us, if we were ever going to make it. I had to hear the silence. Accept the unspoken. And live for what I believed… That there wasn’t anyone else in this whole world that made me feel the way that he did, and that was worth fighting for.
One positive about doing the street art in Brinton Manor at this time of the night was that no one was around to see me. I had my lights set up and my equipment ready, but in this part of town, people stayed away. I was thankful for small mercies. At least no one would know it was me. There wasn’t a chance in hell I was adding my tag to this piece. This would forever stay anonymous.
I’d avoided looking at my phone for the rest of the day. The guilt I felt over Effy, and the fact that every one of my friends had probably text to say what an arsehole I was stopped me from checking my inbox. That, and the fear of getting another message from the soldiers. I’d bet Adam Noble, Colton King, and the rest of them were having a right laugh at my expense. Revelling in my misery. I glanced around, wondering if they were watching me now, then realised that hiding in the shadows wasn’t their thing. If they wanted to watch me, they’d stand right next to me, breathing down my neck. They’d enjoy the intimidation and feed off my fear.
I hadn’t planned on putting any thought into this art, but I couldn’t switch off my creativity. At first, I figured I’d just improve the words, make them stand out and look more professional, but as usual, my imagination ran away with me.
There were five soldiers, and so I added five skulls underneath their infamous saying. Skulls were a speciality of mine. I’d been drawing them since I could hold a pencil.
I gave each skull its own unique touch to represent its fucked-up member. To the far left was Tyler Evans’ skull. A thief, who went from pick-pocketing to grand theft auto in a matter of months, amongst other things that I’m sure were on his rap sheet. I put a black mask over his skull eyes to make him look like the robber he was. Menacing and ready to fuck over anyone who got in his way.
Next to him was Will Stokes, notorious player and all-round fuck boy. I stuck a cigarette in his skull’s mouth and made it look like he was winking. A nod to the fact that he looked friendly but would stab you in the back and do it with a smile on his face. Like all the others, he couldn’t be trusted.
To the far right was Devon Brady, also known as The Reaper. His skull design didn’t need much thought, a black hood and the shadow of a scythe finished him off perfectly. He was death personified.
I put Colton King next. The Joker wore his jester hat like a crown. The king of all jokers. But I saved the middle space for the most fucked-up one of them all.
Adam Noble.
The Psycho.
For him, I made the skull eyes slant to a menacing stare and gave it a tongue that hung out of its mouth, making it look like the crazy psychotic character that he was. I placed a skeleton hand directly underneath, giving the finger to anyone that looked up. I’d taken their shitty spray-painted saying and turned it into a monumental ‘fuck you’ to anyone who entered Brinton Manor from the Sandland side of the town.
Even though I was proud of what I’d done, I was still pissed off. They were using me as a puppet, holding the fate of my uncle and what he’d done over my head and dangling redemption like an irresistible carrot wrapped up in their evil. So I added one last touch of my own. It wasn’t visible from the ground, and if by any chance they saw what I’d done, they’d still think it was cool. I wrote the words ‘fuck you’ into each eye socket. My message to each one of them. They may have the upper-hand now, but I would beat them at their own game. If there was one thing that spurred me on more than anything, it was seeing a twisted justice served to Tony, and who better to do that than the masters of macabre. The Soldiers of Anarchy.
The whole wall now carried a hellish vibe, and I knew there wasn’t a chance that I’d failed in their task. I kept my lights in place and took a few photos to capture every part of the wall. Then I sent them off to the phone number they gave me. No message, just the images. I had hours to go until sunrise, but I was done here. Brinton could kiss my ass.
I packed my equipment back up into the van I’d borrowed for the night from Ryan. I fucking loved that he never asked me what I needed it for, just handed over the keys and even helped me load up my shit. He tried giving me grief over Effy, but one look was all it took to shut him up.
I closed the back door of the van and held my phone in my hand, debating whether to send Effy a text to apologise. But when my phone buzzed and I saw who the message was from, I went cold and headed straight for the driver’s door so I could see their response in the privacy of the van.
Once inside, I tapped to unlock my screen and read the one line text they’d sent me.
You did good. We’ll be in touch.
What the fuck?
That was it?
Hours of my fucking night creating their bullshit town sign, and for what? A few words that told me fuck all. What were they going to do next? Did they even plan on doing anything or was this some sick fucking joke meant to rile me up?
I threw my phone to the side, turned the keys over in the ignition and started the engine. Then I punched the steering wheel in frustration. Their message wasn’t good enough. I needed more. So I grabbed my phone off the passenger seat and typed back.
Is that it?
It didn’t take long for them to respond.
Like I said, we’ll be in touch.
I threw my phone back down and roared off, clipping the kerb as I went. I was over their bullshit. I wouldn’t do anything else for them until they showed me that they could live up to their promises.
I felt like I was drowning. The cold, bony claws of my fate were threading themselves around my neck like twisted ivy and I couldn’t breathe. In all of the noise, I needed to find my quiet. I needed to see her. So, I swung the van in the direction of the town, heading for the cinema where I knew they’d all be tonight. I didn’t know if I’d have the guts to get out of the van and actually talk to her, but I knew just seeing her face would be enough. It always was.
I parked up opposite the entrance, just as streams of people started to come out. I had no idea what film they’d gone to see, but when I spotted Ryan and Emily strolling out with their arms around each other, my heart jumped into my throat. She couldn’t be far behind.
I leant forward, as if that was going to give me a better view, and when she appeared, standing out in the crowd, I couldn’t keep the goofy smile off my face. That was until an arm landed across her shoulders.
Fractured Minds (Rebels of Sandland Book 3) Page 10
