Fractured Minds (Rebels of Sandland Book 3)

by Nikki J Summers

  Typical Brandon, thinking his fists could solve everything. But that wasn’t the case this time.

  “It’s not that simple.” I sighed.

  “Isn’t it? They’re bullying you, Finn, because they think they’re hard. But guess what, they haven’t met me yet. Send them to me. I’ll show them what a real hard man looks like.” I knew he meant it too, but even Brandon couldn’t compete against five psychos like the soldiers.

  “They play dirty. This isn’t about fighting and––”

  “Well, what is it about then?” Brandon snapped, stepping forward and willing me to spill my guts.

  “They have stuff. Stuff they’re gonna tell––”

  “They don’t have shit on you, mate.”

  “They do. They’ve got Tony.”

  Hearing me say that name, Brandon’s back went up.

  “And?” He furrowed his brow, not really getting what the soldiers having my uncle meant for me. What effects it could have on my life.

  “And if I don’t get you to throw the fight, they’re gonna tell everyone what he did. They’ll make it go viral. I can’t let that happen.”

  That was my truth, and I thought it’d help to explain things, but the water was still as clear as mud to Brandon.

  “It doesn’t matter what they say. No one will listen,” he shouted, his face growing redder and angrier by the second. “If anything, they’ll support Alice. It wasn’t her fault.”

  “I can’t do that to her…” I shook my head furiously. “I won’t let her down again.”

  “You’ve never let her down and she wouldn’t want you going through this.” He pointed right at me, willing me to hear what he was saying, but he didn’t know what he was talking about.

  “I have to do this. I have to see it through,” I stated firmly, even though I knew that by me seeing this through it meant him losing everything he’d worked so hard for. I was stuck in a catch twenty-two and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it.

  “Why do you have to see it through? So that five bellends with a devil complex don’t tell the world your sister was abused by your uncle?” I heard Effy gasp from behind me at Brandon’s admission, but I didn’t look her way. I couldn’t.

  “Because I owe her that much,” I replied, swallowing the rest of my answer back down.

  “You don’t owe anyone anything, Finn.” Brandon took another step closer to me, still pointing his finger as Effy stood up and watched us, speechless.

  “I let it happen,” I said, feeling so weak that I barely had the energy to stand up.

  “You were a kid yourself. What the fuck could you have done?”

  “I didn’t fight.”

  “You fight every fucking day.”

  “It’s all my fault.”

  “It’s not your fucking fault.”

  “I’m so ashamed––”

  “What are you ashamed about? TELL ME!”

  “I’m ashamed… because he raped me too.”

  Silence.

  The three of us stood in total silence.

  All I could hear was my panting breaths and the buzzing in my ears. My secret was out and there was no going back.

  Brandon was the first to break the blisteringly painful silence.

  “I’m so sorry. I’m just so so sorry.” He hung his head in shame, wincing as if he was in physical pain and whispered, “I know I shouldn’t say this, but I’ve always suspected something might’ve happened to you too. I didn’t want to push you on it, but I had a feeling.” He sighed and took a few deep breaths as I stood frozen and numb. I was shocked at myself for finally saying it out loud. “It’s not your fault, Finn. None of this is your fault.”

  “It is.” My voice cracked as I spoke. “I should have fought back. I let it happen.” I hung my own head, feeling too ashamed to look either one of them in the eye. The secret that had eaten away at me over the years had finally destroyed my life. Nothing would be the same after this. I had lost everything.

  “You were a kid. A teenager. Mate, I feel guilty myself. I should’ve knocked him the fuck out or at least tried to tell someone for you.” Brandon was trying to reach out to me, give me hope, but it was too little too late.

  “I didn’t do enough.” He clucked his tongue as I said that, but I knew I spoke the truth. “And even if you had told someone or tried to help, it wouldn’t have made any difference. It had already happened. The damage was done.” Brandon breathed heavily through his nose and shook his head in disagreement. “I feel disgusted with myself. I’m disgusting. What kind of guy lets that happen to him?” I wrapped my arms around myself and backed up into the corner.

  “Don’t say that,” Effy cried, coming over to me and bending down as I sank low against the wall to sit on the floor.

  “Don’t touch me.” I flinched, pulling away from her kind embrace that I didn’t deserve. Like the coward I was, I buried my head in my hands to hide the tears I didn’t want her to see.

  “No. Don’t do that, Finn. Don’t push me away.” She put her arms around me despite what I’d said, and then when she realised I wasn’t going to move, she pulled at my arms, trying to get me to uncover my face.

  Eventually, I looked up at her with a wet, pitiful expression and I said, “Do you really want to be with someone who’s let that happen to them? Someone weak like me?”

  “You’re not weak and you didn’t let it happen.” The empathy and understanding that shone from her beautiful face made my splintered heart ache even more. “Something terrible, awful, happened to you, but it’s not your fault and it doesn’t define you. If I told you I’d been raped, would you think I was weak?”

  “No, but––”

  “It’s no different, Finn. And you need to face this. You’ve buried it and let it fester away and hurt you for too long. Let me help you. I want to help.”

  It had festered for too long, buried so deeply into my psyche that I wasn’t sure I’d ever be free of it. Her optimism did something though, a ripple of hope on a tidal wave of desperation. I wanted to cling to her. Find my way to the light, through her.

  “But I’m scared that I’ll never be able to deal with it, Eff. I can’t bear to think about it,” I said, cutting myself open to metaphorically bleed at her feet. I was being as honest as I could be in that moment. As honest as my shattered pride would let me.

  She cupped my face in her hands and feeling her warmth, seeing the love in her eyes, it broke me.

  “With time and love, we’ll work out a way for you to cope. You can get through this. You’re stronger than you think. You have me by your side. I’ll always be here… and Brandon…”

  We both turned to where he’d been stood, but Brandon wasn’t there. The fact that he’d left without a word showed he had his own demons to contend with and he needed space away from us to do it. I understood that more than anyone. I’d always faced my demons alone. Sometimes, it was the only way to quiet the voices and dull the pain.

  I turned back to look at Effy, my Effy, trying to hide the way her hands were shaking and the unsteady breaths she was struggling to keep under control.

  “Do you still want to be with me?” I couldn’t help but ask the question that had plagued me since the day I’d laid eyes on her. Would she want to be with a guy who’d been raped? A guy who was abused as a child and still carried scars that were as fresh and painful as the day they were inflicted. A man who felt hollow, broken, not a man at all. Well, not one worthy of love, anyway.

  “This changes nothing,” she replied defiantly, lifting her chin and giving me a resolute smile. “If anything, it makes me love you even more. You’re a fighter. The ultimate warrior. A silent warrior, but I don’t want you suffering alone and in silence, Finn. We’ll get through this together. There is no you and me anymore, only us.”

  Her words were the glue I needed to help me begin to mend my broken soul, my fractured mind and my splintered heart. No more hiding in the shadows, I had to heal for her and for me.

  �
��I was the lucky one, really. Alice was abused so many times I lost count. For me, it only happened twice. Once when Alice had to stay overnight in hospital when she had her tonsils out, and the night before he was arrested for armed robbery. I got off lightly.”

  “No, you didn’t. You’re a victim just as much as Alice is. Don’t undermine what you went through or belittle your ordeal. An adult in a position of trust abused you, took away more than just your security and safety, he stole your innocence, your childhood. It’s no wonder you don’t like to be around people.” She’d hit the nail on the head. In a world of over seven billion people, how did I manage to find the one that truly understood me?

  “I like being around you.”

  I nudged her shoulder with mine, feeling that even though we were opening up, getting somewhere on this road to recovery, tonight… I had done enough. I had admitted what happened to me. And now, I wanted to lose myself in the way she made me feel; like there was hope and light in my future.

  “I’m glad you like being around me. I like being with you too, and I’m telling you right now, I’m not going anywhere.” I pulled her closer to me and she sighed. “I’m so proud of you.” She kissed my cheek and then rested her hand against my jaw, forcing me to face her. “You’ll always be my hero.”

  I didn’t understand why she was proud of me. What had I done? Hidden abuse, let myself get blackmailed, and let all my friends down, Brandon the most. But I didn’t say anything. I leant over and buried my face into my favourite spot on her neck and breathed her in to help calm the storm raging inside my head.

  We stayed on the dirty, dusty floor of Brandon’s changing room, holding each other. Both of us shedding tears and gaining comfort from the other. I wasn’t ready to talk about everything that’d happened, but I told her a few things, like how I used to screw my eyes shut and wish myself away from that room, transporting myself to far off places every night. The silly dreams that I used to replay in my head over and over again like a movie to block out the bad memories. The art I created to help me deal with the anger building up inside of me. And the loneliness. The feeling that no one else had gone through this and no one would ever understand. Alice did, but that’s because we shared a secret we never wanted anyone else to find out about. Not our friends or other kids. Not the teachers at school. We wanted to blend in; be normal. We didn’t want to be labelled as those kids. The ones with the issues. The ones no one would want to befriend because they were tainted. Broken.

  Effy listened without judgement. When she spoke she said the right things. Things that made me feel like I wasn’t a freak. Words that started to slowly break through the mental barriers I’d create over the years that had always told me I was in some way responsible for it all. I’d always believed that because I hadn’t helped Alice, it’d happened to me too. I’d brought it all on myself.

  I knew I had a long road ahead of me. It wouldn’t be easy to find peace after living with a raging black hole of noise in my mind for so long. But that road was ahead of me now, and I’d taken a step on the journey. As Alice always told me, ‘Take each day as it comes.’

  It was all I could do.

  “I’m guessing that message you got, the one that told you to get Brandon to throw the fight, was from whoever’s been blackmailing you?” she asked, and the reality of my situation suddenly reared its ugly head again, crashing down on me like an anvil.

  “Shit. I need to get that sorted.” I jumped up from my spot on the floor.

  “Was it your uncle who sent it? Is he behind it all? I heard you talk about the soldiers, but are they working with him?”

  Neither one of them knew about the videos. As far as Effy was concerned, my uncle could’ve been trying to play with me, but I decided to come clean. No more lies.

  “The soldiers are evil. They’ve been holding my uncle at some warehouse and torturing him. They send me videos and then ask me to do stuff. If I do it, they torture him some more.”

  Her eyes widened in shock and disgust.

  “And you’ve gone through all that on your own? You didn’t tell anyone?”

  “I didn’t want to drag anyone else into my mess.”

  “Your mess is our mess. That’s how this works.”

  It was hard for me to accept that I had a support network for this after living with it for so long. I guess coming to terms with it would be easier said than done.

  “I need to find Brandon,” I replied, changing the subject. “He can’t lose that fight.”

  “Of course he will. He’d do anything for you. Didn’t you see the look on his face when you told him? He’s hurting too.”

  Effy was right, but I still had to try.

  “I can’t let him do this.”

  “I don’t think it’s your choice anymore.”

  The fight zone was packed out and every platform that ran around the edge of the room was heaving. Wall-to-wall bodies, all here to watch my best friend fight. I’d never seen so many people crowded into one space to watch a match, and the thought that Brandon was about to do something so monumental in front of so many people made me nervous and sick to my stomach. People were chanting his name, shouting and drowning out the bass from the other room.

  Effy and I had stalked the whole building, trying to find Brandon and talk him out of whatever he was going to do, but we couldn’t find him. When it came closer to the time we knew he was due to fight, we headed to where we stood now, right by the doors to the changing rooms, in the hope we could get to him before he entered that ring. He’d always been unpredictable, and tonight was no different. I honestly had no idea what was about to go down, but if I could stop a disaster from happening, I would.

  I spotted Zak, Ryan, and Emily pushing through the crowds, heading straight for us. Must’ve been Kian’s moment to shine on the decks.

  “Where is he?” Ryan asked as he took his place between Zak and me to watch the warm-up fight. “I couldn’t find him in his room and he’s not answering his phone.” He craned his neck to look around, but I knew Brandon wasn’t in here. The crowds would soon alert us to his presence if he was.

  There were two guys I’d never seen before punching the hell out of each other, but everyone was still chanting Brandon’s name, regardless.

  “I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “But we looked for him too and he’s not out there.” I thumbed behind me to where the corridor to the changing rooms was.

  “I hope everything’s okay,” Emily added. “I was supposed to video call Harper during the fight so she could see it all, but she sent me a text about a half hour ago to say she couldn’t watch it and to text her when it was all over.”

  I felt a thud of dread dropping through my whole body. She knew he was going to throw the fight and that’s why she couldn’t bear to watch. He’d rung Harper to tell her and she couldn’t face it.

  Just as Effy started to chat to Emily about some email and her half-sister, the crowd went wild, the spotlights dimmed, and we all stopped talking to look over at the ring. Rage Against the Machine, ‘Killing in the Name,’ blasted through every speaker, and when the lights flashed up again and Brandon walked into the room from the opposite side to where we stood, the whole place erupted. He was like a fucking film star, except for the tattoo-covered bare chest, grey sweatpants hanging low and his angry scowl.

  Joe Hazel walked in after him, but Brandon didn’t even spare him a glance. He held his arms up to the crowd, grinning like a motherfucker. Then after he’d strutted around a bit, whipping his fans up into a frenzy, he gestured with his hands for them to lower the noise and listen.

  He took his place right in the centre of the ring, leaving the ref and Joe standing to the side like spare ends. This was the Mathers show, and he was in full control.

  “Hold onto your hats,” Zak joked. “Shit’s about to get messy.”

  When Brandon started to speak, the whole room stopped to listen.

  “I’m the fucking comeback kid,” Brandon shouted out pr
oudly, and the hush as he spoke ran around the room. He turned towards Joe Hazel and Brandon slapped his own chest as he said, “I’m the one they’ve come to see. He might look like he’s hard.” He thumbed towards Joe, laughing. “But there’s only one of me.”

  The roar and chants filled the air again, and Brandon went to stand nose-to-nose with Hazel.

  “You should feel lucky we even let you through the door.” He pointed right into Hazel’s face as he spoke. “Your swagger’s fake as fuck. I hope you enjoy face-planting the fucking floor, ‘cos you’re too stoned to know when to duck.”

  The crowd laughed and Brandon gave Hazel a dirty look then stalked away back to the centre of the ring.

  “I’m the undefeated king.” Another slap of the chest and a glare Hazel’s way. “But you’re welcome to shoot your shot. I apologise in advance for the bruises, but know this… I’m coming at you with everything I’ve fucking got.”

  The two of them stalked toward each other like wild stags ready to claim their territory, and the ref got in-between them to break them apart and recite the rules.

  “He’s gonna do it,” Effy whispered low into my ear. “But he needs it to look authentic. Brandon’s all about the show. This is no different.”

  She wrapped her arm around mine but I couldn’t move. Every muscle was tensed, every inch of my soul was slowly dying. Would he really throw it all away? He lived for this, for the notoriety and the prestige that fighting gave him. Could he kiss that all goodbye? I felt nauseas at the thought that he would and that it was all my fault.

  The ref called them to toe the line and the crowds cheered and shouted encouragement even before the first punch was thrown. Brandon stayed back at first, like he always did, studying his opponent and letting Hazel get a few lucky punches in. They both weaved and ducked, dancing around the ring. But Brandon was the better boxer, it was painfully obvious, and he was outshining Hazel by a mile.