The Tangled Tears

by S.M. Bjarnson

  "He is with me." She points down to a figure on the rocks, "He is waiting, AJ, I have to go."

  “No.” I call out yelps, but nobody is around to hear my cries.

  My grip is weakening without a sense of her surroundings you shake your head and say two words I do not understand, two words I do not ever wish to comprehend.

  "Let go, Autumn." You start slipping out of my fingers, “No please,” I beg, there has to be a way. Not like this, Winter falling swiftly away from me. I shut my eyes as I hear her screaming as death takes her far away.

  "Winnie I'm so sorry!"

  Just like that she was gone, gone forever. I took up a permanent residency in my house, deep in my room, enclosed in an avalanche of quilts of comfort.

  I sleep.

  And sleep some more.

  And sleep.

  Then I stopped sleeping.

  I couldn't sleep anymore, I can't stand thinking, wondering, and waiting.

  There was a knock at the door.

  "Autumn J, you need to get up! Go out and do something."

  He brings in light from the outside; I dig deeper into my empty abyss.

  "Go to a movie or on a date." He clears his throat in the annoying way he does when he wants to be heard.

  "Fine." I say, grabbing my jacket and keys rushing down the stairs.

  "Well, you don't have to if you don’t want to, it was just a suggestion." He shouted.

  "Yeah, but then I would have to stick around to fight with you. I'm not really in the mood to do anything with you right now." I may have hurt his feelings, but I didn’t have the sense for it. Numb emotions meant no regret, no guilty conclusions. Except when it comes to Winter, I felt everything.

  Later that evening I awake to his shouting.

  "WINTER, WINTER! WHERE ARE YOU?"

  "Dad?" I get up and stroll into his bedroom.

  "WINTER WHERE ARE YOU BABY GIRL? DADDY'S HERE, I WILL SAVE YOU. WHERE ARE YOU?" He yells and yells. I shake him.

  "Dad, DAD! Wake up, you’re having a nightmare." He gives me a look that tells me I am not someone he wants assistance from.

  "You are not Winter Magnolia, you will never be her, Autumn Jazmine." He rolls over onto his side, without another word. I stand there not knowing how to react or what to do. I walk silently out of his room, standing at his door way.

  "I know...dad. I know. I'm sorry she was the one that died that day, too." His snores already echoing the area.

 

  Rise Up

  7

  I sat there on that high off ledge of my father’s work building. Contemplating Winter and her short life. The rain clouds clutter above my head as I stare down at the worrying faces looking up at me with concerned eyes. I could jump; I could make all this go away, just fall back. I could forget about you, all together. Then maybe you wouldn't haunt me anymore...

  I smile back up at the sky circling around me letting each unique drop of rain soak into my jeans. The drops increase more and more, pounding with every increasing millisecond. I closed my eyes feeling relieved no one could see the real tears streaming down my face.

  I stand up balancing my body on the narrow border of the top of the office building, dipping down my toes in a ballerina pose. I lean over the five story building below me, thinking of the disappointing factors.

  Wondering to myself whether life is really worth living after all. So much pain, so much hurt and hatred. I will never be the same.

  Tears streamed down my face. I just want to be enough, for once. I just want to be seen worth something, anything in my eyes or my father’s. I just want to be enough, to anyone, for once in my 17 years of life.

  I want to feel that importance.

  If I could dive, I would swim for years. If I could fall, I would want to for an hour. I look down below me is this really my fate? I let out a sigh closing my restless eyes to the darkness once again whispering, "Let me be free." I let go, I push off I fall freely. But, you wouldn't let me go, you wouldn't let me be.

  You grabbed onto my arm tightly with your muscles, not trusting your own strength.

  "Let me go!" I yelled up to you. But, you wouldn't, you held on.

  "Now isn't the time, AJ. You need to be strong little sister, you need to let me go, it's time for me to go."

  No. I told myself, not yet. I can't do this alone, please don't leave me. But there were only whispers of the wind that followed my reply as if to say goodbye Autumn Jazmine.

  As I stood on that high off ledge, thinking to myself is life really worth the pain, after all?

  Yes, was all I heard.

 

  A Call, a Cry, a Virtue

  8

  I punch in those seven numbers hesitantly. It was late into the night, maybe too late to be making this phone call.

  "Jenks? It's me." I can't seem to bring together the words I want to say.

  "Autumn, are you okay? Give me ten minutes. I’ll be there." I hear him rushing around, clinging of keys.

  "No, no need to rush. I’m on my way to your place. If that’s alright with you?" I said hastily.

  "Of course! I'll be here." His wording sounded sincere. Secretly I wish for it to be.

  "Okay...Jenks? Thanks."

  "See you soon AJ." He took a finale exhale.

  I awake to the heavy breathing of an animal, much larger than any creature I find imaginable. The dog or puppy was a large 200 pound Tibetan mastiff, staring at me. I remember where I am, how I got to this place on my course last night. I was in a wonderment of thoughts whether to stay or leave.

  The first night I had slept over with a boy I was 8 or so my cousin’s birthday party. This night with Jenks was the first night I ever actually laid next to a boy, in the same bed, let alone the same room. It was the first time I actually felt comfort since the accident.

  He was kind and gentle as he held me as much as I would let him. Although as time passed I didn’t have control over my dreaming and conscious states.

  The smell of bacon and eggs enters the dark room, interfering with the brisk morning air. Jenks placed a tray of food to the side of me.

  “His name is Charter.” He pats the top of his monstrous furry mane.

  I shake my head in awe.

  "You do this for all your friends that sleepover?" I wink with a flirty grin, forgetting the innocence. Acting cavalier but really wondering how many other girls have taken their place as I have here.

  "No. No one has ever spent the night over, before with me...just you." His honesty and defense seems to perk up as he hands me a glass of OJ. Guilty twinges begin to flicker in my stomach for saying something so assumingly, maybe he thought I was special. I shake the thought out of my head, Winter was the special one.

  "I haven't even kissed a girl." Winking in his tone.

  As I think to myself, honestly who could believe such a thing with all the chatter that runs down the hallways. I change subjects with a smile.

  "Looks good! I'm starving." We sit in conversation eating our delightful, somewhat uncomfortable breakfast.

  As the plates start to clear, I gather up my belongings and head for the door.

  "Thanks, Jenkins. I should get going though. My father is probably having a fit on my behalf." My face still rosy where more than words had hit the day before. I pat his shoulder, not knowing the terms of our relationship.

  "Wait, AJ, don't leave yet. I want to show you something." Propping himself out of the red cushioned couch.

  My doubts floundered me we had no right in being together. We were an unusual match with nowhere to be made.

  "What?" He shrugs my questioning gaze.

  "Oh, nothing. What do you want to show me?" Shifting thoughts upon thoughts away from the mind of seclusion I never once had.

  “This way. Follow me.” He begins to wave towards the back yard.

  I squint through the overpowering snake grass as we climb through bushes and over tree stumps. Jenks leads me through a ta
ll wooden gate.

  "Close your eyes." He whispers close to my ears. I can’t seem to focus, my pupils racing back to Winnie and the postpartum. His walking ceased until my eyelids were fully shut. I could hear water rushing as we stepped onto what felt like a stone pathway. He sat me down on a morning dew ridden bamboo bench. Shivers running circles up my spine, eyes tightly closed.

  "Open." He smiles. I gently lift my eyelids to see all the nature around us, its captivating me in a moment of splendor and wonder. My vision rests upon the Japanese culture hidden in between each and every crevice of this enchanted forest.

  "Jenks, this is....beautiful. I can’t even believe it. This is all in your backyard?” My fingertips tingling as I brush against cherry blossom and blue orchids.

  "You made this? You created all of this?"

  With a shrug of his shoulders he replied, "I had a dream one night, I was lost, running and running, I couldn't find my way. I couldn’t find any way actually." He lowered himself down picking at the fresh green grass.

  "I saw these trees that looked like they were a covering for something much larger." His eyes gently moving from scene to scene. Perceiving the perfect memory of that time.

  "I followed the stone path. I heard the water rushing behind the wooden door." He pointed over to the entrance.

  I nodded in awe, smelling the water lilies in the open air.

  "...and inside the gate I found myself in a whole different world, a unique space, I found a new haven." He sat up beaming with enlightenment.

  "I found peace in that secret secluded place, where I could feel at home, again." I was glued to his story, like it had been my own. I connected so deeply with this idea of something more than me or his memories.

  "This is really breathtaking Jenks." I trail off in my thoughts of wonder. I pull myself along as we walk toward the bridge, overlooking one of the few big ponds' in the area. Koi fish gather under my feet as our stomps signal their feeding time. I turn to see Jenkins carrying a bag of small pieces of food for them.

  "Pretty cool huh?" He snickered as he gave me a playful nudge proud of himself.

  "I could stay here all day, every day." I breathe in the clean air that makes my heart beat and makes it flutter, ready to soar.

  Jenks hugs me tightly. I felt happiness form inside me for a quick moment we share much more than words.

  It hit me, Winter.

  How can I be happy when she is gone? How can I be so careless and selfish? Guilt takes the place of the disappearing sparks of happiness. Maybe, you were right dad. I let go, turning to run out the door, leaving Jenks with a simple, “Got to Go.”

  He catches up with me as I flee through his front lawn, clicking the button to unlock the car doors.

  "AJ, wait. Come on AJ."

  The confusion didn't make him stop. I could hear him jogging behind me.

  "I have to go." I stated. I hustle quickly to my car before he could change my mind.

  He is faster, bolting in front of me.

  "Please move I say, I must be on my way." I act grown up and mature for once, daddy would be so proud.

  “You must be on your way?" He looks at me unfazed.

  "I thought it would be a nice escape for you, you didn’t like it?"

  "I did, I do. I really loved it, thank you for sharing it with me. It was amazing it's just selfish of me to feel joy when Win..." I stop myself before I say her name.

  "When she doesn't get to feel anything at all." Tears swell in my eyes.

  He stared at me with awkward concern, "She would want you to be happy, AJ." He brings me in for a bear sized hug.

  "I want you to be happy Autumn Jazmine." He held me tightly against his beating chest. I feel tears coming, but I feel nothing I am numb to feeling good emotions.

  "Thanks." I reply pulling away from his hurt attitude.

  "I have to go." I drive off in despair. Wondering if the chance of comfort or being wanted will ever arise again.

 

  A Matrimony of Memories

  9

  I sink to the floor, emotion drowns me. I find refuge under my bed. I crawl with tears streaming down my face. I shake and shudder at the thoughts and memories that come to me, Autumn, she whispers. No, I call back. Tears fall and fall as if there was no end to it.

  My father drags me out from underneath my bed, he picks me up and places me under the covers. I lay alone in my bed staring at the unfamiliar wall, wondering, imagining in the darkness. I let my mind wander and let my eyes exit. Tears stain my dry eyes.

  "You know I think I love him." She was laying on my bed, as she told me her day story.

  "HA. I would hope you do." I joked with a smile.

  "No, no I mean like I really think he is the one, I really love him, love him." She twirled around with joy.

  "Yeah? Good." I said, looking up from my book.

  "So, did I tell you that he asked me to marry him?" She waited for me to be in shock, but I didn't hear her the first time.

  "What? Who’s getting married?" I stared at her in confusion.

  "Are you even listening, Jaz? I AM GOING TO GET MARRIED TO CHATT THURDGOOD!" She talked slow as if I was a child.

  "Really? You’re getting married?! That’s awesome!" We were jumping up and down on the bed now, something I never was allowed to do as a child. But, this occasion called for it.

  "Yeah, we were thinking August 18th." She shook her head with a smile, as her blonde hair flowed.

  "Can I come live with you?" I stopped jumping.

  "Yeah, of course I can't leave you alone with daddio here ha-ha." She winked.

  "You know he will not be very happy about you getting married at such a young age, you’re only just about to turn 20." I pointed out the pink elephant standing in the closet.

  "I know right, but you think I would be able to make my own choices now." She rolled her eyes.

  "So, tell me how he asked you? Was it romantic, candles, roses, I bet there were roses!"

  "Well, he had some old fireworks, so he suggested we use them and everything. So, we go out to his field and he starts lighting them off and everything. So, I start playing with sparklers and stuff. And then for some reason there were these little sticks sticking up in the ground, which I thought was weird. But, I just kept swinging my arm away. Chatt goes out to these little things and lights one on fire, he runs back and says let’s get on the roof. So, I'm thinking a whole field of sparklers, best idea ever." Her hands express her excitement.

  "Yeah, sounds like a freaking miracle."

  "Anyway, so we’re on his roof and by the time we get up to the top they are all lit, and they form letters that say, MARRY ME? I was so amazed and speechless I just sat there and started laughing like a rabid elephant."

  "Wait, what? Rabid elephant? How does that work?"

  "You don't want to hear it...it was pretty awful and by Chatt's expression he though so also. He had this scared look on his face. So I just kept nodding up and down, yes, yes of course."

  "Ha-ha, that is so cool! Were you surprised?"

  "Well, we had talked about it a couple times before, but I thought we were just talking you know, nothing serious." She shrugged.

  "Well, I'm sure you two will have a wonderful marriage, Winter." I smile and give her a grateful hug.

  Wednesday for Winter, Thursday for Thurgood

  10

  I slip in and out of a comatose state. Sooner than possible, Wednesday arrives.

  I peek out the window for the first time since the rain has stopped. It's a warm afternoon, the sun is bright, and I squint at the sky. My stomach aches from emptiness. I let go of the heavy blanket, letting the dark curtain take its place, shading the room, separating me from the reality outside.

  I walk to the bathroom. Avoiding seeing any images into the mirrors, I brace myself for the showers cleanse.

  The water starts pulsating, pouring onto my head, washing away the nightmares I’ve created. I crumbl
e down in the shower, the water streaming over my frigid body.

  Tears jog down my face splashing onto my knee caps. Fear and other unnecessary feelings and emotions seep out of the bottoms of my toes, so long, I push them away, drowning their memories with me.

  I hold my breath, as my fingers linger upon my mother’s old clothing. Her dresses still hung in place, my father’s guilty conscious holding on tight to them. I guess he hasn't gotten around to coming to terms of her leaving him.

  I manage myself into one of her old black dresses. As it falls over me, taking the shape of my body personally. Staring at my reflecting self, my hair in a wavy tangle, I bring my fingertip up to touch my sorrowful shape. Disgusted and feeling unsatisfied I turn the mirror around.

  Time has passed. Minutes, hours, her life is summed up in those short times. Weeks upon years, we grew up together. She never knew how much I loved her for being there for me. Or for being the person I never could be.

  Their funerals' followed the next week; Wednesday for Winter's, Thursday for Chatt Thurgood’s. I slept through the motions each day, reliving each part of that reckoning day. Until I relived it once more in her wake.

  The phone rang, but I merely stared at the flickering lights bouncing off the walls, the buzzing left ignored.