The Tangled Tears

by S.M. Bjarnson

  Lipstick Stain

  17

  Before Josephine left us for fortune and fame, she would tell me suggestive things in the way of manipulating only yourself. I remember the times I found her staring in the long gated mirror.

  “Am I dashing young Autumn Jazmine?” She would smile caressing her red lips. I shook my head up and down as any young girl who idolized their mother would.

  “Are Winnie and I pretty too?” She would sit me next to her, batting at my hands if I tried to grab anything shiny.

  “Well, sure you are. One day you might even be as beautiful as Winter is or even as breath taking as I am.” She laughed to herself.

  “If you want to be beautiful dear Autumn Jazmine, remember these things I tell you. You must believe it, more than anything. You are the one and only person that should be important in your life. Look out for your own well-being and others will want to be a part of your world. No one cares about the old or the ugly.” She sprayed perfume and dabbed it upon her sparkly neckline.

  "If you let others control your emotions, little girl you will never amount to where you want to be in life. You can be important and beautiful by yourself.” I didn’t understand clearly, but it made me sad.

  “Now, don’t cry, crying is a sign of weakness. Remember that, dear child. The road may be lonely, but you can always find a companion to stick by you for the night. I am turning out wonderfully. I don't need anyone and neither do you." She still plays these lies in my four year old head. I reach out for a hug or meaningful hold. She looks at me disgusted.

  “Autumn Jazmine, don’t clutch. Hate it when you do that. You are like your father in that way, so clingy! You’ll wrinkle my gown. Where is your sister, she is supposed to be watching you. Winter Magnolia!” Winnie ran into my rescue, carrying me away as I turned to get one last gaze at my mother. The last impression I had of my sweet mother was the stain of lipstick on her teeth.

 

  First Impressions

  18

  I met up with Jenkins on one of our late night meet ups. He came reluctant. His voice unspeakable. My sentences freezing in the night air. I grabbed ahold of him and he half smiled.

  “I’ve never been one to love. To see love, feel it or admit it.” I began with a course work of what I started to know. I didn’t want to give in to an imposter. The truth was I was scared. My father convinced us we would never find true love. On the other hand there was a perfect example of romance; Winter and Chatt. I told him only things I thought he needed to know.

  “I like to think you are in love with me and nothing has ever made me more uncomfortable.” I stared up at his darkening moonlit eyes.

  Shrugs, that is all he gives me.

  “I also might actually feel some sort attraction towards your being.” I closed my eyes and actually wished for rejection. He stopped shuffling trying to keep both of us warm.

  “I know.” Propping me up and kissing the hell out of those virgin lips.

  “You knew?” Back down on the ground letting both feet hit the frozen ground.

  “Been waiting for you to realize it.” He smiled and so did I.

  Party with the Ghouls

  19

  Halloween PARTY! Oh, yeah! I like it! I do a little jig in my kitchen zone. Just got the text from Chai: Hey guys get dressed up and come party over at my house tonight.

  "Yeah." I shake my arms above my head. I'm going to party! I sing to myself and try to boogie down. Interruption of my skilled dance moves by Jenks, Aaron, and two other guys walking through the side door.

  "Oh hey guys! What's...what's going on?" I stop, collect myself, and lean against the white wall.

  "So, you hear about Chai's party tonight?" They all burst out in waves of laughter.

  "What's so funny?" Blush, blush, blush.

  "Ha-ha, I have got to wiz!" Aaron scrams to the bathroom.

  "Thanks Aaron, you're such a pal." I smile as he shakes his head around, laughing like a jolly old lady with pudding.

  "You are one crazy girl! But I like it!" Jenkins comes over lifting me up. Sets me down on the counter.

  “Go ahead help yourselves.” The guys pilfering through the junk food in the pantry. I laugh, not knowing the men standing in the devouring closet.

  "This is Jared and Drake." He points over his shoulder. They grin playfully, I nod in making their acquaintances.

  "So are we going to party or what ladies?" Aaron comes in marching his feet in parade mode.

  "Oh my Buddha!" I turn, shocked to see Aaron dressed in a green tutu. Tights neglected to be placed on his pale skinned legs.

  “I’m so ready for the party!" We all stare without a word, sitting in amazement.

  "What? Is it my butt?" He turns around to show us his cheeks hanging out.

  "Oh my, let’s go guys." They all joke around with him, giving whistles and hoots. Applause for his appearance.

  "Let's go get something to eat and then head over to Chai's Party." Jenks takes control pushing us out toward the car.

  "I'll be right back, got to grab my costume." I take a turn upstairs.

  "I'll wait in the car." Jenks gives me a kiss on the cheek. We were playing on the same team. The guy with the most outrageously gorgeous eyes, Jenks.

  ●

  We arrive at the party a little after it starts. It's heavy in crowd. People are acting foolish it’s 9: 00 on a Tuesday.

  I sat hiding behind the bushes. We are playing the game RAMBO. A game that is classified as illegal because cars chase you down. Danger was never a scare tactic when you were born in isolation, it’s what kept us alive.

  The new guy at school, my personal comedian, was on our team, Aaron Jackson. He transferred from Mountain River High, a school in the next town. He is one of those guys that didn't care who you were or what you did. As long as you were fun to be around, he was your best friend. Strangely enough he takes a liking to my friendship most overall.

  "Come on guys, this way I can see in the dark." Exclaimed confidently.

  "Oh really, are you part cat? Because I'm allergic." Some girl joked.

  "No! I learned it on the internet!” Knowing his character he probably did learn it on the web.

  We all laughed, I leaned against Jenks's knee.

  "Oh, sorry Jenks." Trying to balance on my toes.

  "Don't worry about it!" Even in the dark I knew he was smirking.

  "I'm serious guys, I did." He stated, taking extreme charge.

  Somehow we all liked his spunk and the crazy personality. He fit right in with our group.

  He bolted toward the back of the car.

  "AARON! What are you doing?" We yelped.

  "Are you crazy? You are going to make us lose; the point of the game is to not be seen!" Drake yelled.

  He jumped up on the trunk of the car.

  "Rambo Supreme!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, and jumped off so fast that the people in the car had no idea what happened.

  We all stayed quiet for a few minutes, then outrageous laughter broke out among us. Aaron walked out of the bushes, his arms raised above his head.

  "Man that was awesome! Did you guys just see that?" High-fives all around fist pumps galore.

  "I don't think I could play even if I wanted to, that was too hilarious." Comments made between laughs.

  Everybody stopped him in the halls claiming his name as Rambo Supreme after that night. He liked being on top of the world. One thing was sure, that night he was champion.

 

  Attention Get Her

  20

 

 

  "She obviously wants attention or she wouldn’t be playing so hard to get with Jenkins." Monique pouted; she pushed out her pearly pink lips, puckered up for a brawl.

  "Oh and who are we talking about now, Moni?" Kami rolled her eyes.

  "Moni are you talking about yourself in third person?" Chai smiled politely.

  "Whatever! You know who! Her siste
r died, like a year ago. She can stop with the dramatics. My mom had a miscarriage once; you don't see me crying about it!" She put her hands on her hips, flipping her perfect aligned hair.

  "Now that is exactly the same situation! You are completely right!" I stood behind her hearing everything that flowed out of that petite mouth. Chai and Kami gleaming heroically.

  "Oh Autumn! Hey, didn’t see you there!" She whipped around with a fake smirk on a plastic face.

  "Just hanging out, is there something you wanted to say Monique?" I bated my eyes, untroubled with her jealousy.

  "Nope. Not that I can think of!" She shrugged lightly.

  "I'll catch up with you guys later. I got to go meet Jenks." I walk past Chai and Kami, giving them high fives.

  “Bye, Autumn Jazmine! See you later!” Monique is killing the kindness bit.

  “Yeah, later Moni.” I turn away too soon, as she whispers under her minty breath.

  "I bet he’s only with her because he feels sorry for her.” I try not to hear the words her voice is making, I ignore it until…

  “I mean sure Chatt was Jenkins’ cousin. Chatt and Winter dated for like a minute, not serious at all. In all morality, I think you all should know she cuts herself.” Knives digging into my backbone.

  "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you Monique. What did you say?" I was more interested in what she wasn’t going to say to my face this time. My eyes widen, she went too far, once again.

  "Nothing. Just something Jenks told me." She started to walk away, with a careless wave.

  “You insensitive slut!” In unison my best gal pals attack.

  "You never stop do you? It really shouldn't be a big surprise, he dumped you for AJ. She’s gorgeous and way more fun than you!" Aaron once again jumps in to the rescue. Fury started raging in these faces. I should be too, but I just stood there unaffected realizing that she was a flamingo and we were alligators.

  "Oh really?" Her skin blushing from true confessions.

  "REALLY!" Both Chai Kami stood up.

  "I'm glad she can speak for herself. Anything you wanted to say AJ?" She stared at me with eyes that gave her away. She stood scared, the one envious of me.

  “Think they about covered everything in your screwed up life!” I smiled tapping them on their shoulders. It’s not that I couldn’t talk back to her and approach her meaningless accusations. It seemed impractical to waste energy on proving her wrong.

  "My life is perfectly fine, just like it always has been." Conveying half the truth.

  "Sure, Moni! Whatever you say." If I cared less, I would be a mannequin at the display window.

  "I can't believe he picked you over me! I mean seriously. I don't even know what he sees in someone like you..." She puffed her furies. The word YOU used like a disease, making her feel vile.

  "I know why." Jenkins smiled coming up cradling me.

  "Get over it Monique. It's been done for a long time. So drop it already!" Jenks placing kisses on my cheeks. Making the jealousy in her blood run deep into her veins.

  "I'm with AJ. She has something you never will have; a heart." We all portrayed winning looks. Her eyes filled with sparkles of teardrops. I didn’t have time to feel sorry. Noise broke out around the hallway. Four against one, isn't my style, but she needed to be taken down. It was time to put this to rest.

  "Whatever. Don't care!" She smirked, as defeat laid upon her shoulders, she walked on past the towering crowd.

  "You know it's true." Murmurs still in hearing range.

  The queen’s crown fell to the ground, shattering into pieces. As we dispersed it was trampled into debris. A ting of pain engulfed in my throat, a part of me wanted to believe what she said wasn’t true.

  ●

  "What was that whole thing with Monique that about?" Jenks wondered as he passed me the frysauce for my French fries at lunch.

  "Ha! What do you think? Your little girly friend thinks I’m your charity case." I bit into my roast beef and Swiss cheese sandwich; bliss.

  "What did she say this time?" He studied his fry, anxious about the beckoning answer.

  “Why are you getting nervous?” Has he been talking to her like she said he has?

  “I just don’t want us to get in a fight over gossip or jealousy.” He lifts his sandwich for another gigantic bite. I continued, harmless.

  "She said that you told her you were dating me, because you felt sorry for me. Of course, I didn't listen to her she can’t say anything that is true." I raised my eyebrow to him.

  "I did?" Admittance as if asking a question.

  "What?" I placed my sandwich down and interlocked my knuckles.

  "I did. But I didn't mean it. I just wanted her to get off my back." His gaze was low, not connecting to mine.

  "You told her that you were only with me, because you felt sorry?" My voice trailed off, of course he did.

  "Yes, but I didn't mean it. It's not like it meant anything." He bit his burger.

  "It meant something, Jenks. What are you embarrassed now to be seen with the girl whose sister died. I suppose I’ll go mark my pain in red ink wherever you came up with that idea." I get up; I place money on the table. I smile at the waitress and walk out.

  "AJ! Wait. Come on, I didn't mean it. It was a stupid thing to do and I was put on the spot. I don't know why I anything of the sort!" He sputtered out excuses; I didn't have any pleasure of hearing. I get to the car only to notice its Jenks’s, mine was back at school.

  "Do I really not mean that much to you? You couldn't even tell Monique, that you were really with me. For the reason of just wanting to be."

  "No! AJ, come on! You mean everything to me now. More than I’ve known!" He shouts as thunder rolls.

  "I guess I will never know. I'm walking home." I turn and pass by him, it starts drizzling. It was only a few blocks to my house.

  “I'm sorry I said that AJ. I didn’t mean any of it." He stood in the cold sorrowful.

  Now, it's starting to pour.

  "YOU ARE SUCH A JERK! Make up your mind on who you want to be before you become a bipolar boondock.” I start shuffling to the street.

  "She's just jealous! Let's not fight about it. I'm sorry." He was out of excuses.

  "Jealous? I am sick of being envied for whatever this thing is between us." Point to vapid air surrounding us. Aches arise to scratch away this anger.

  "I'm sorry, Autumn Jazmine. I’ll go and tell her right now we are together for real." His words float towards me, I push them away. “You deserve better than what my actions have misled you to believe.”

  "I don't deserve anything." I spoke harshly, fed up with fighting.

  Jenks followed me all the way to my house in his car, worried about the flu taking hostage of me. Which helped ease the anger. But not enough to take what he had said out of my heart.

  I wish I could find you, Winnie. She would know how to handle this.

  Tell me Something

  21

  She woke me early the next morning, taking me out to the garden. Where flowers were planted sun bathed in happiness. I lay down on the cool ground. The late fall breeze brushed over me as I turned to my side to stare at Winter's orchard.

  "Oh, what should I do?"

  The sunshine darting throughout the clouds. My summer dress orange against the yellow tips of flowers. I pretend I can hear her. I shut my eyes, making the sound of her voice real. She ignored my question with optimistic philosophy.

  "There are beautiful things in the world AJ. Lively colors, to be expressed. See them Jazie?" She pointed to the nature. Ignoring her good intentions. She dug deeper into the earth’s crust, planting more nutritious things. Skills, of course everyone will need someday when the economy goes down the drain. The aftereffect of a greedy man’s dream.

  "How am I supposed to be happy, when there is too much darkness in the world? So much pain." I turn away from her.

  "Listen to me, Jazie. These things can heal you. Try and breath it all in, let it heal you. You
are so stubborn. Stop holding onto your guilt for what happened. It was not your mistake." She sat down beside me, playing with my long locks.

  "I bet Chatt never made mistakes." I whisper to her. She sighs, heavily. Giggles at the humor I gave her that day.

  “Of course not! He only made and kept promises. He’s just dreamy, isn’t he, AJ! All around perfection!” She wiggled a dirty earthworm in front of my face. I eked in horror falling off my balance.

  “Now forgiveness is what you actually need. You know that though. I don’t have to tell you.” She pushed the bulbs farther into their places.

  “I don’t think that’s necessary Winter Magnolia.” My voice profound as my mother’s once was.

  "My accident was not your fault Autumn Jazmine." I shut my eyes drowning out the noise her peaceful voice made in my ears.

  How could I believe you? You were just a ghost; a mirror image in the mind's eye I was creating for comfort. I subconsciously told you what to tell me…didn’t I?

  Awoken with no sunshine, but tears.

  “Winnie…I’m sorry.”

  Time was my friend when it wanted to be. It leaned against me, exhausted as I was with it. We fought more and more lately. Her death a distant memory still repeating itself. Wherever I was in time, time was right alongside me. Gaping at the wounds he had caused and yet in some way tried to heal me. Winnie was gone. There were intentions to live again. Inclinations to become more then those rainy days locked away in my bedroom. Time had gotten ahold of who I was, so I let him take away what I was supposed to be. For a while, I no longer blamed God, instead I began to understand His objectives.