The Tangled Tears

by S.M. Bjarnson

  "What? What's going on?" He was out of breath, leaning over.

  "We have 15 minutes." I turned around and shut the door, my father bounded up the stairs.

  "How did it go?" My father smiled, a little too happy of himself.

  "What's in 15 minutes?" Jenks questioned. My dad got a certain grin on his face, like he knew what had just happened.

  "Oh, you are going out with Josephine! Lucky you." Patting him on the back and a wink in his way.

  "Dinner is on the table." I rolled my eyes at his excitement.

  "But, I don't have any clothes to change into." He confessed, nervously.

  "That's okay. I have some things that will probably fit you." My dad laughed. Jenks was rubbing off on him.

  "Not funny, father." They went upstairs to my father's closet. I followed them up and went into my room. Scan through everything spectacular that, Josephine would approve. I let my hair down, swirls fall upon my shoulders. I decided on a yellow sun dress. Not even back five minutes she was already bossing me around and hitting on this dream boy of mine.

  "What color are you wearing, Jaz?" My dad shouted. What are we matching?

  "Yellow." We had no time to discuss this. We only had five more minutes, before she would be at our door again.

  I stepped out into my mirror, I was pretty. My own beautiful to be, not Josephine's.

  "Ready?" Jenks knocked on my door.

  "Yeah." I grabbed a small white flower and placed it in my hair, the bow on the package.

  Jenks was leaning against the wall as my dad began telling him all about the crazy Josephine.

  "Wow." My dad spoke softly, stunned by his daughter. Jenks turned around to see me, amazed as ever. He was wearing a yellow tie, with a black suit, clean cut.

  "You look beautiful, AJ. Have fun tonight, you deserve it." My dad kissed my cheek. Jenks took my arm as he led my down the stairs.

  "Thank you for coming with me tonight. It means the world to me. Hopefully it won't be too horrid." I kid.

  "I know it does. It's okay, I owe you." Kisses my lips.

  "You are so gorgeous, babe." His voice was sincere.

  It had been an hour when I got a text message from dad saying, how is it going so far? I replied telling him that we weren't even at the restaurant yet, because she insisted on going to a fancy place two hours away. He thought he would be funny and reply, Yum and a couple laughs. Thanks a whole lot dad. Josephine had explained how the modeling industry worked, beginning to end. It took nearly the whole car ride.

  "Here we are." I was quiet to whisper finally, making her boy toy laugh. As we stepped out into the crowded streets, everybody was dressed proper and in style.

  "So glad, I left the safe abode, to come to this uptight, high fashion, hell hole for dinner.” I tried whispering into Jenks's ear. But, the boy toy heard me and turned around. Smile as I gave him an oops look. We pushed our way through the glass doors; we had a reservation of course.

  "Act a little happier, Autumn Jazmine. We are eating French tonight." As if that was supposed to impress me.

  "French? Yay...I love French fries." Sounding a little too over the top.

  "That's more like it." She didn't catch the sarcasm bouncing off my words. We all laughed in concealed unison.

  Our table was ready and we took our spots. She moved in a way like she was a monster on her prey. She was living a dream world where she was the enquiring queen.

  “Do you have plans for after school, Autumn Jazmine?” Her shoulders perfectly square.

  “Like college? I haven’t given much thought to that. When I do decide I will surely let you know!” My cheery attitude was opposite if her assumption of how cruel I would be to her. Of course my persona created that of a parody performance.

  “There will be plenty of time for you to decide that later. As for now I speak about tomorrow after school. I’ve been wanting you to come join me in New York.” Her voice wavering in strength.

  “You want me to do this why exactly?” Forking the pasta around on my plate.

  “She wants you to come join the party! It’s a blast and how your mom runs things is so awesome, AJ!” Her toy of a boyfriend spouting out advertisement.

  “Autumn is her name.” Jenks began to get defensive for some reason I couldn’t classify.

  “And being sexy is her game!” Winks out all of his immaturity. I gave a glance to my once mother, she was bribing me with this younger man.

  “Ok. Thanks, but I have plans!” Spoon full of carbs I was in complete heaven with this obese country. The food industry catered to every whim and wish. Everything imaginable was at your fingertips to taste. Bringing a mountain of desserts to the table I was thoroughly impressed with the selection.

  Welcome to the Idaho state fair would you like to try a donut burger? Yes, I would like a clogged artery by the time I’m 30 years old. It was pure rich bliss, living in the area in which meat had survived extinction.

  Back at the dinner table.

  “I want you to be with me and I mean why you wouldn’t want to be with me. I am your mother and you are my daughter.” Her voice crisp as she tried the chocolate covered strawberries.

  “I realize I come from the same blood line and maybe you pushed me out…”

  “You don’t honestly think I would put my beautiful body through such a tiring process.” Caressing her perfect curves.

  “I had my doctors perform a C-Section before any damage could be done to this fine figure.” Of course, the thought of birthing a child hadn’t even changed her perception.

  “What I’m saying is that you may biologically be my mother. In no way do you act or get the reputation of being a mom.” Bits of ice cream finished, more than satisfactory.

  “I may have not earned the title. The fact of the matter is that I am more your parent than your so-called father. I mean honestly you look nothing like him.” Her and resourceful playboy were at the edge of laughter, refraining for my sake, I’m sure.

  She started clawing at the things I had already been questioning. Was it deception or was the truth in the words she carried?

  “You’re just saying that, trying to yet again hurt me.”

  “Oh, you poor child. You don’t believe me, ask him yourself. He was so pathetic, I ran off with a Russian sailor. When I came back to him he wanted to keep you. He didn’t care whose you were just that you were a part of me. That sorry man is not your father, the man who donated his sperm for a weekend was more a man than he could ever imagine to be.” She grinned callously, her morbid take on where life has led her made her believe she was in the right to tell me these things. Somehow I was certain, deep down it was true.

  Jenks squeezed my hand gently. We weren’t laughing. We stayed silent beneath the surface. Screaming and screeching came not from me but from the twin toddlers across the restaurant.

  “Can you believe they brought children to a place like this, it’s entirely inappropriate! Waiter, get the waiter I demand to be moved to another location more private.” Waving her hand in the arm, snapping for them to hustle to her needs.

  “No, that’s okay. I think we’ve had enough for tonight. Jenks shall we be going?” He has my coat in hand before I can stand up. He read my mind every minute along the way.

  I smiled sweetly at him as we made our escape, not once turning around to look at the woman who had never brought a good moment into my adolescence. I left her staring at me leaving her world forever. She was hardly dismissed, she was in the business of persuading. Her whole person was incapable of being anything other than a prop, for show. Especially with the radiance she thought everyone owed to her.

  My goodbye smelled like currency and I left it for the waiter.

 

  Birthday Dress with a side of Fried Rice

  40

  With the aftermath of the Josephine debacle, I had yet to confront the man I called father. He was the one who had raised me, named me. I was more part of him than I was of her
, even if his conclusion of me was undistinguished. His coward stares now making more sense in my memories. His unconditional love for Winter, made it clear now, because she came from him.

  Prom was in days of explosion and somehow I felt remorseful for even thinking about wanting to go to it. Chinese food called to me as it would sooth the fictitious person in me.

  I am sitting alone; I feel more independent and happy that I made the choice to be on my own. Because, it was on my time and by my own free will. I stared as the small Asian people hustled around all the tables taking orders and busing booths. I started to smile as this little girl came up to my table and placed a folded piece of paper into my hand.

  “Thank You.” I replied as she scurried away, playfully.

  It read:

  Mind if I join you?

  Jenkins.

  I looked up and around the restaurant finding Jenkins hidden in a booth behind me. I nod and wave him over.

  “How have you been AJ? I haven’t heard from you in a couple days,” he slid his hand over mine with concern.

  “Awe, thanks, just trying to wrap my head around the whole surprise your mother is a conniving whore, who likes to play who’s your daddy games. Oh and not to mention today is my birthday.” I say reluctantly.

  “I knew it!” He exclaimed. “Come with me, this will cheer you up!” he grabbed my arm and pulled me up and out towards the exit.

  “Wait! Jenks wait, I haven’t paid yet!” I yelled at him.

  “I took care of that, now come on!” He was swiftly going through the moving people heading to his car, flinging open the passenger side door.

  “Get in!” He motioned.

  I gave him a look.

  “Please, will you get in? I promise I won’t tell you I’m really your twin brother or some weird shit.” His humor too soon, if you know what I mean.

  I sit down in the seat anyway. He handed me a huge white box, with my name written beautifully across the top of it.

  “Is this for me?” I questioned still in awe with the box.

  “Yes, of course it is Autumn; it says your name on it, doesn’t it?” He excited to nudge.

  I took the top of the box and began pulling back at the soft stuffing paper. What I found inside, was imaginative and beauty awakening. I look up at Jenks, him staring back at me nodding. I grasp upon the sparkly yellow fabric straps, letting the white undercoat fall upon the floor. Winter would have loved to have seen this.

  “It’s beautiful, it’s so pretty. What’s it for?” I asked, feeling guilty I may not be able to look as stunning in it as it looks in this box.

  “I thought it would cheer you up after the whole Josephine catastrophe. It’s a gift for you and for me.” Giving his playful wink. I shook my head, rolling my eyes.

  “Okay, okay it’s a birthday present and I was really hoping you would wear it to prom on Saturday at 7:30. I’ll pick you up in my car or if you don’t want to take my car we can take a different one.” Nervously he tugged on his collared shirt, worried I would say no. As he kept babbling on about the flowers and dinner, He being nervous made this all a whole lot sweeter.

  I touch his fidgeting hands.

  “I’d love to be your date for the dance Jenks; sounds like it would be amazing!” I brought my face to his level smiling with joy, as he gently kissed my cheek.

  “Good, because I want everybody to know you’re mine and were together, forever.” He put his head down embarrassed at his saying.

  I laugh a little, “Whatever you say boy.” I winked, feeling relieved somebody asked me.

  I call Chai up to tell her the good news, “Hey, yeah he just asked me to the dance!” I joyfully replayed the happenings of the day.

  “He bought you a prom dress? ARE YOU SERIOUS?” She screamed through the phone! Chai on no occasion failed to be a loyal and supportive friend. She gave me the space I greatly needed. The months that passed and no call had been made from either of us, signified somehow a tighter bond into the friendship world.

  “Ha-ha, yeah I was just as surprised as you were when I opened the box. It’s yellow gold sparkles and white silver undercoat.”

  “Oh my goodness, you are going to look so flipping GORGEOUS in it Jaz! I’m coming over to see it right now!” She made noises on her side of the telephone.

  “I can just send you a picture if you would like?” I explained to her.

  “No, no, no I have to see it in person! I’m in the car see you in a few.” She hung up.

  “Beautiful, isn’t it?” I sat on the bed as she weighed the perfection of the dress.

  “Perfect is more like it! I wish Drake would be as sweet as your guy is.” She insisted.

  “I thought you guys were just friends, Chai?” I smirked.

  She sat down on a chair, “I don’t know he is all Chai Anna, I know you love me, you know I love you, come on, be my baby.” Chai made hand motions of hugging and kissing. I tossed my pillow at her.

  “Oh stop it! I know you want him!” I joked with her, knowing too well she had the biggest crush on him.

  “Of course I do! Have you seen his abs Autumn?! He is gorgeous!” She played around, “I just don’t want to get played.” She admitted to karma.

  I got up straightening my clothes and figure in the mirror, “He wouldn’t do that to you, I think he really loves you girl and besides you should always take a risk so you don’t have to wonder what if.” I told her for the millionth time.

  “Yeah, yeah take a risk, don’t wonder what if, be bold, you told me, you told me.” She rolled her eyes at me a couple times more.

  “I guess, I will give him a chance I mean we are all going to the dance together anyway. Wouldn’t kill me to give him something to believe in.” She confessed.

  Kill me.

  Chai had said it, a ting of pain eradiated throughout my chest cavity. How many times and wishes had I spent on that, hoping that one day it could become true. My mind wonders off to her saying. She had no idea the effect the saying had on me.

  “Hey, Jaz you okay?” She stared at me as I loosened my grip on the edge of the dresser.

  I put on a pretty smile, “Of course I am. Let’s go get ice cream!”

  Impromptu Prom

  41

  Chai and I started getting ready at my house; I had a big mirror in the upstairs living room. Mr. Moion had a vivid talent of disappearing, every time I gained the courage to ask the truth. Somewhere fearing that the physicality was indication for itself.

  Every day is one more day I get to check off living in the Moion household. 86 days left until graduation! Most of the time I spend at Jenks's house, not having to feel the coldness lurking around every corner.

  He wants to go traveling after graduation, we both have the money too, thanks to Josephine and her undying guilt of abandonment. He wants to take me to places of great importance, not in objects but in feelings. I hope to travel along the world too, living a very new life.

  “Pass the gold sparkles.” I put my hand out as she places the capsule in my palm.

  “Here you go! Oh my gosh AJ I just can’t get over how Jenks bought you a prom dress, a crazy amazing dress at that! Not to mention the fact that it’s handmade too! Oh you are so lucky.” She laughed and her snorting broke out, I couldn’t help but tear up laughing so hard. Embarrassed, she covered her pink lipstick mouth. I put on the sparkles and finished my make up with black mascara.

  “So, what time are the guys picking us up?” She asked trying to cover up her ridiculous attack of laughter.

  “Umm… Jenks told me 7:30 so they should be here soon I think.”

  Chai reached for her phone checking the numbered digits. Her mouth formed a big pink O.

  “What?” I chuckled.

  “Goodness! Its 7:25, right now!” I stared at her with sarcastic fear.

  “Oh my heck! Hurry, hurry, let’s get our dresses on!” We both rushed out of the room, running every which way, trying to zip up dres
ses and find heels and purses scattered all over the room. All while keeping our hair and makeup in order as we ran along our ways.

  “Chai zip me up!” I placed the dress over my head pulling it downward. I was nervous I might not fit, but I did, unique in my style.

  The doorbell rings.

  We both give each other an excited but, nervous look. Zipping the dress up, “I’ll go get the boys!” As she raced down the stairs, I thanked my inner peace for having everything work out right.

  I smile into the mirror, reassuring myself I looked beautiful and dazzling. I touch my fingertips to my reflecting self. I can hear voices downstairs now.

  “Make sure the hotel sheets are clean and be safe!” Winter would have joked. I blushed at the comment inside my head. “I love you, you are so beautiful! Have fun, tonight is your night! Be free!” She would have whispered. I smiled.

  “Come on Autumn, let’s go! We’re going to be late for dinner!” Drake and Chai shouted. I put on my silver high heels and descended the stairs, hooking eyes with Jenks as he stared at with wondering awe, as if he melted into putty.

  “Goodness finally AJ,” They grabbed hands and strolled out to the car. As I followed walking in front of Jenks he caught me by my arm and my heart.

  “You look really beautiful, August Jazmine you are so gorgeous.” He was very sincere

  “Thank you, you are good looking as well.” I kissed his cheek.

  We arrived at Drake’s house to take pictures, “Oh come on mom, and hurry up this is embarrassing!” We all laughed and smiled as the flashes went off and she snapped more pictures.

  “Thank you so much for taking pictures.” I replied as she handed me my camera.

  “No problem, your mother would be jealous of your figure and your beauty.” She smiled.

  “Thank you.” I gleamed, wishing it were true.