The Tangled Tears

by S.M. Bjarnson

  "Well, then let's go to bed, JENKY POO!" Rolling his eyes he took my hand as I led him the desired way.

 

 

  Pleasure with your Fantasy

  45

  By the time we reached my bedroom there had already been thousands of passionate kisses between the two of us. Hot heat coiled around our bodies. Our breath short, but quick to catch up. The room was dark and cold, about to be warmed up. I led him to the bed, kicking off my cowboy boots.

  "I love you, Autumn Jazmine." His body ached for my touch. Pulling off his gray T-shirt, he let my fingers feel the indentions and firmness that powerfully stood upon his skin. My eyes connected with his, biting my lip he saw my weakness. He yanked at my damp clothing, wanting more. His gaze was sufficient and craved my intake. I rolled my head back, pulling on my black long hair. His hands fumbled with my shirt; playing a game with his grip. I inched back to the bed, propping the upper half of my perky body, ready for a challenge. His eyes were hungry, lingering towards me; they followed the curves of my lengthy body with the help of his hands. He slowly pulls himself over my form, making sure he doesn't crush me. I feel no pain, I am numb to the negative feelings surrounding us. There we were in the moment and all my heart was circulating out is one emotion and one only; pure bliss.

  "I love you too, Jenkins." I pressed a kiss on his soft sweet lips; it was like tasting my favorite candy.

  He lifted my body up, and placed it over his, swaying me around like I was weightless, what a feeling that was. He had love and desire twinkling in his eyes; mine mirrored the same back to him. I create kisses on his neck, he holds me closer. I lick his ear, making him ache deeper inside.

  Jenks, I breathe, take me away, I whispered. He sighed gorgeously, making adjustments of his weight around me. He began kissing further down my chest, leading down to where my belly button hid. His hands gripping at my legs tightly, never wanting this to end. I catch his eyes as my tongue plays with my gentle lips. He grabs me, tighter, shaking his head in pleasure. My fingers run through his hair, pulling as he gets more enthralled in the moment.

  "You want too..." I persisted.

  "So...badly." His hands on my waist, I liked him there in that moment, so vulnerable, lost in my control.

  "Well, do you got the goods?" Jokes and smiles mix my message.

  "Huh?" He grins, his smile so perfect.

  "Protection, Jenks?" Shrugging away, building tension.

  "Oh you mean, oh, no. No, no, no!" Yelling in my face, pushing himself off of the torso.

  "I'm sorry, I thought you were aiming toward that?" Sitting up against my headboard, arms folded.

  "Oh, no. AJ. I want to so much, that it hurts. I just think we should wait..." Explaining, sitting on the edge of the bed.

  "Wait? For what?" I was definitely confused.

  "I don't know, until we are both prepared to take on that responsibility. To make that commitment to one another." His heart beat steady to normal, mine was declining, back to unmoral.

  "I am committed to you, Jenks."

  "I know you are and I am totally, completely, wholeheartedly devoted to you. You are everything I have ever wanted and dreamed about. I just don't want this to happen and lead to something else that we regret." His eyes were on the pictures of me and Winter when we were kids.

  "Oh, you mean, me getting pregnant? Come on Jenks, We would be careful." Dangling my legs over the side of the bed next to him.

  "That's probably what my parents thought, when they had their one night stand almost 18 years ago."

  "Jenks, your parents love you and they are happy." I rubbed his back, warm.

  "I know they do, I just can't help thinking that they both got trapped into each other." He stood up, frustration struck him.

  "We aren't trapped though, we love each other. But, I understand what you mean. We don't have too, we can wait." I got up to hug him.

  "Great! I knew you would understand! Can't wait until our wedding night!" Picking me up and giving us a twirl.

  "Wedding night? We’re waiting until were married to perform in the act of coitus?!" Upset as I may have been but when he pulled me away from him. He smiled and honestly who can be furious at a guy who has standards to admire.

 

 

 

  My Father the Prude

  46

  Visions filtered through my mind as I held the white gold ring in the palm of my hand. It meant more to me then the size it was, it weighed nearly nothing, but somehow it weighed down on me.

  I tried so hard to picture us in the future in any kind of form. I was happy, I was beginning the first stages of letting myself feel that pure joy enlighten my body. For a moment I hovered over my figure, for a split slice in time I was very aware of the happiness I could have. He wanted to be wed he wanted to be married for eternity. He wished for forever, could I even give him a tomorrow with me? Winnie would be delighted. Her face eliminating ecstatically. Her words rushing at me asking how and when and even going as far as asking baby names. That was our life, how it should have gone. Her to marry and start a life with Chatt Thurgood and I to graduate from high school and marry his cousin, Jenkins. We would be a happy family, achieving some sort of stability in my mind.

  I placed the everlasting circle in front of my father’s eyes. He glanced and I swear there was a sparkle in his eyes.

  “You will be ridding us from your life as we last spoke then?” Scribbling his business notes as we carried on a somewhat notable conversation.

  “It’s not like that, you will always be my father.” I assumed he wished for this for so many years, he’d be overjoyed with the thought of getting me out from his Moion name.

  “Jenkins Thurgood is a very good man. I’m sure you both will be very happy with one another.” His words were soft.

  “I know you would have appreciated for him to inquire your blessing before asking me. I rather think that way of thought is a bit old fashioned, even for you.”

  “What are you referring to, Autumn Jazmine? Jenkins flew to my business conference. He stayed and begged for your hand nearly all week. He had plans laid out for me to see, assured me that you would be greatly cared for.” The folders on his desk were in a pile. Filing the papers beneath an anonymous binder, he gave me his full attention.

  “You’re telling me that Jenks, my Jenks flew half way across the country to convince you of this?” Eyeballing the engagement loop.

  “Yes, Autumn Jazmine a very respectable young man, a maturity I assumed was lost in your generation.” Speaking the truth, he placed his hand over his chest.

  “I assure you he did that for your benefit.”

  “Greatly appreciate the thought of my opinion on the matter. I know you probably thought it was not my category of interest to conclude a statement.”

  “You are my caretaker.” Folding my arms in agreement.

  “I am your father.” Stumbling on the word father, he felt the blame.

  “Yes you are…” Picking up the ring and placing it around the proper phalange.

  “Might we plan a get together if we ever find ourselves in the same neck of woods, AJ?” He shifted his eyesight just enough to notice the concern.

  “Sure, that seems reasonable.” Walking to the exit.

  “I am proud of you, my daughter for everything you have been through, carrying us through the blurriest of skies.” His authenticity astonished me. Opening drawers to his presidential desk, he pulled a velvet box out.

  “I gave an identical one to Winter when she graduated. I had two made, this one is yours.” Untangling the silver chain he placed it around my wrist.

  “Thank you, dad. I’ve always wanted to hear those words from you. It means the world to me you recognize that.” He went back to his paper work, fumbling through the pages.

  Graduation was in a couple weeks and I hadn’t checked anything off my list of things to do before I leave. I remember the list as if it were my bibl
e of worshiping. The wisdom I desperately needed was coming from myself. I packed myself a lunch and began to head out of the towering door. Pictures of you hung on the wall and I didn’t have a flinching pain to sob. I waved at you as I walked by, Winter. You smiled back, like you always did; proud of what I had become. Saluting me on my way to my victory. Thank you, Winnie.

  I climbed to the mountain and soared above every leaf and branch that had brought me down. This, for me wasn’t about winning. It merely was a way of accepting. Neither triumph, nor valor came rushing across up to me. I came here to study, not to be studied, to lay down in the open grass, and breathe the free air. I was, after all a being of life; a creature of power.

  One Last Goodbye

  47

 

  I will shout and scream into the clouds and people might stare, but at least I will know that I am alive. People might hear me and see me for Winter's little sister, but I will always be me. Winter saw me, alive; I don’t want to let her down.

  Thank you, Winnie, for waking me up and making me grow.

  I'll push back the tears, as I try to come to terms with losing you. I have to learn to let you go. I am trying to move on, because I know the sadness of everything that happened will take me over again and again, if I think about it too much. I have to keep going, I need to move forward. I was barely surviving; I was dying, just like you were. I am holding onto you, but you have already let go of me and of this world. I wrote you a letter, Winnie. I needed to understand, I needed to know why you left me. I now realize that, I have to go, I have to be strong. I need to be independent. Let me read it to you.

  Dear, Winter Magnolia Moion.

  Winter, my sister, my own sibling, my care taker, my best friend; someone who was always there for me, no matter what happened. Winnie, I miss you and I always will. I love you, sister, more than anything. I know our differences sometimes kept us apart, but I do love you. I can never replace your memory and I know now I never want to. There are a few things I would like to apologize for that I never really got around to saying I was sorry for. I'm sorry I was stubborn and didn't always hear you out. I'm sorry you thought you had to take care of me and raise me, since mom left. I am so deeply sorry; I didn't go with you on that day. I am so very sorry, I wasn't by your side, to jump with you... I know it was an accident, I'm sorry I was selfish about it before. I blamed myself for your death and his. It wasn't my fault; it wasn't anybody's fault, except fates. I'm sorry I couldn't stop it and I couldn't save you.

  I dislike your yellow, assumptions, because now I live by them.

  I hate how you always smiled when you were hurting, and how you told me everything would be okay even though you didn't believe it. I am scared to live, but that is part of living. I await new adventures in my life and I wish you were here to experience them with me. I love Jenks, I really do. I hope one day that we will have the kind of love you and Chatt had. Don't worry I tell him I love him. The truth is I don't understand why you left, or why you had to go the way you did. I don't know if I will ever understand, but that's part of life. When you died I lost a part of myself I will never get back. I stood behind you as a shadow to your world. But, that wasn’t your fault, I liked it better that way, out of the spotlight where no one had to notice me or who I was.

  I know I was afraid before, but it's not fear that is holding me back, it's you. I don't mean for that to sound, harsh, but you know it's true. I have come to some terms with many things, like the fact that you won't be there on the day of my wedding telling me I made the right decision. Or how you won't be there on the day I give birth to babies, comforting and telling me they look nothing like Josephine. I know you love me, and that will never change. I love you too.

  I bet heaven is beautiful and you and Chatt got married, like you meant too, I'm sorry I couldn't stand by your side. I'm sorry I could never say I loved you out loud. It hurt too much, but I know it meant more to you.

  I need to let you go now, because I'm holding you back and you need to move on and so do I. I will let you drift away out of this world into the next. Because, I accept it now and understand things happen for a reason and you lived your life, and now it is time to step forward and be my own. Thank you for all those lessons you taught me, I will never forget you; your memory will always burn brightly inside my heart. I hope you and Chatt are together, I love you guys. Be happy, and I will try to be.

  Help me be free, as I set you free.

  This is goodbye, for now at least. I love you, sister. I will see you in the stars.

  Forever Yours, Autumn Jazmine.

 

  I closed the envelope, sealed it. Having tied one yellow balloon through the punched hole to let it fly. I watched it float away into the clear blue skies absent from me and gone from here. I smile, sigh of relief, fearing for a minute it would come back to me, that somehow I would have to keep holding onto it. As I keep staring, then when I couldn't see it anymore I turned to walk away. Starting a new life with a charming guy, I breathe the new air into my body. He waves, asking me if I am ready to go, leaning against the rugged car. I nod slightly turning around to say goodbye once more.

  "I love you, Winnie. See you around." I twirl the ring around my finger.

  "Yeah, I'm ready. Coming!" I turn to walk to Jenkins, my future, my destiny.

  I look back not to ache for her presence once more, but to acknowledge it and accept it. For the first time that spring, my tears becoming untangled.

  CURTAINS.

  Acknowledgements

  To my established family, thank you for being a part of my universe and accepting the contents thereof. May we reminisce in good day laughs and harmonious memories.

  To my grandmothers, I appreciate your lives now more than ever. To my grandfather, I oblige my obedient love and respect.

  To the aunts and uncles that ensured my siblings and our childhoods, you have made me recognize what family means.

  Mom, I could never describe to you the amount of admiration I have for your personal strength. The duty as a mom you tried so hard to soar above. The distances you went to make everyone around you have a happy livelihood. Thank you for your everlasting beauty, as you have passed it on to us. May you always know you are loved and revered.

  My father, oh my father, always pushing me to be out of the ordinary. Sliding success articles under my door at night, revising my essays and poetry. Always telling me a person can say no so many times, until they have no choice but to say yes. In reference to publishing but you get the gist.

  To my sisters; May we find our inner beauty, along with the glory that follows. Success is a state of mind. No prize to be won by the outside world. To my brothers, may you find yourself along the way. Never give up or be distraught in your ways. May they lead you to your inner peace.

  Keenan my husband, I have never met someone who has such a dedication to be more every single day, who strives with strength beyond quantity. May we live forever in love and harmony. May we bless our first child and any future kin with the belief of seeking out more of life then is given to us, may we always tell them they are loved.

  I am most grateful for the state of affairs I have been given in my life, both promoting and disorderly. Each giving a new outlook on where and what kind of being I am to become.

  Grand thank you to Brent Taylor at Teen Eyes Editorial for making my written words readable.

  Greatness, is ours for the taking. Inside us for the making.

  Forever is an Endeavour.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Photo Credit: Divine Photography

  Author of The Circus in Me

  S.M.’s origin of script commenced at the earliest of eons.

  Growing copious ambitions to be a novelist. Exploration of choice roads in making this goal complete.

  Deliberating self-publishing the best way for her, bringing into print Tangled Tears novel in 2013.

  Proclaimed to a livelihood of a dream catcher. Im
aginative power fueling her inspired projects; more Young Adult novels in route.

  Clean of ink stains and paper cuts, she dabbles in scrap-booking & wood crafts, and enjoys cooking. S.M. lives in Idaho with her husband and son.

  www.sbjarnson.blogspot.com