Hate Sober

by T. L Smith

  “He does, but he won’t be able to look at you the same after I’ve had my play. He’ll think of you as used trash, because that’s what you will be, and he will take out the garbage, never to be seen again.” His hand touched my thigh and I felt him cutting it again, my eyes are squeezed shut now in fear of opening them.

  He tied me to the ceiling, and I struggled to get free, to no avail. This was the exact same way Gunner had me, and it breaks my heart that I even thought of putting these two in the same box in my head, but that’s what was happening.

  “Time to play.” He looked up at me, his hand removed from my thigh at my words. Then he grabbed a scarf, walked up behind me, and covered my eyes with it.

  “It heightens your experience. That’s what you want, isn’t it?” he asked.

  A sob escaped me and I felt another rise in my chest. It wanted to come up in a loud and anguished cry, but I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to show him any more weakness than I already had. He doesn’t deserve it.

  His body moved away, and I heard the click of his shoes before I felt him again, this time at my side. I yelped and kicked when he bit me on my inner thigh. He swore, then held me still, his nails puncturing my skin.

  “Be a good girl, your husband’s here.”

  My breathing stopped.

  And then I heard his voice and I knew, just knew, I would be okay.

  A knock on the door startles me from my thoughts. Those hands moving on my body, his mouth touching my skin. A shiver takes hold of me.

  “Sweetheart, your father is home. He’s asked to see you.”

  “No,” I cry out. I straighten my spine, even though she can’t see me through the door. “Not yet, I need to sleep.”

  “All right. But when you wake, he will want to talk.”

  I nod to myself, then quietly say to the door, “Okay.”

  Reaching for the soap, I wash my body and feel the burn when it runs over my open wounds, the bite marks that mar my skin, a reminder of what Roberto did.

  And I try my best not to cry.

  I try my best not to let it get to me.

  I’m free now. Free of Roberto.

  That has to count for something. Right?

  Pity my head says otherwise as I fall to the floor of the shower and let the water blend in with my tears as I cry until I can’t cry any longer.

  23

  Gunner

  “What do you want to do with him?” Jasper asks, kicking a dead Roberto on the floor.

  “I don’t fucking care. Get your men to deal with it.” He tisks at me. “What?” I’m still looking out at where she left.

  “Don’t go after her. Give her time to process this shit.”

  I spin around to face him. “Don’t fucking presume to know what I will or won’t do.”

  Jasper rolls his eyes. He isn’t bothered by my threats.

  “Just give her time is all I’ve suggested. Don’t be a dick.”

  I flip him off and turn around to where her blood is all over the floor.

  “Get out.” He looks at me and draws his eyebrows in together. “Get out,” I repeat, and he does so.

  Walking out the back, I pick up the gasoline bottle. I come to a stop when I step back in. His body is on the floor and it makes me so angry that I start soaking his body with gasoline, then throw it around the room. Pulling out my lighter, I flick the ignitor and throw it into the gas. Then I watch as his fucking body burns. Walking out the front door, Isadora is back and standing next to Jasper, his arm is around her protectively as she leans on him. I look back to see the flicker of fire through the windows as it begins to set everything ablaze.

  I loved this house.

  This was my home.

  And now it only holds awful memories, which have overridden any good ones.

  “Holy shit! Well, fuck,” Jasper says, shaking his head.

  Turning to face them, I look to Isadora who’s returned from dropping off Everly. “Where did you take her?”

  She looks to the ground, then back to me. “I don’t think she wants your company,” she replies, then bites her lip.

  “I don’t care what you think. What I asked was… where you took her.”

  Something sparks in her eyes and her hand goes straight to her hip. “Do you really think it smart to go after her right now?” she asks with her head cocked to the side.

  “Isadora….”

  She stiffens and shakes her head. “I shouldn’t tell you…” she looks to Jasper, then back to me, “… but I dropped her off at her parents’. However, I would suggest giving her time. She needs lots of time. She isn’t built like us.”

  Isadora’s words ring true, but it’s hard to give someone time when you know they’re hurting, especially when you love that someone.

  Walking away, I can when I hear my house—my parents’ house—burn to the ground, and that sound isn’t easy to take. I don’t know what I planned to do with that house, but it wasn’t this. It’s taking away the old and new memories with it, and, somehow, I now have to learn to move on from that.

  Sitting in my car, I start it up. I see Jasper and Isadora walk off to their car as I pull out. I’m saying goodbye to something I loved and hello to someone I love.

  Driving straight to her parents’ house, her father is out front before I even get out of the car. His tense body is stiff and his hands are enclosed in front of him. As I walk up the first step, he shakes his head. “No, don’t you dare,” he seethes. He has every right to be angry. His daughter’s hurting and I’m to blame. “You cannot see her, so don’t even ask.”

  I look up to the windows, knowing exactly where her old room is located, then back to him. “I want to see my wife,” I say in a hard voice.

  “She isn’t your wife anymore,” he spits. “You saw to that, Gunner.”

  The door opens and Everly’s mother steps outside.

  “She cried herself to sleep. Give her time, Gunner.” It’s all she says before she steps back inside but doesn’t close the door.

  It breaks my heart to know she did that and I wasn’t there to comfort her. I thought I could unlove her. How fucking wrong I was.

  “I’ll be back. Today is all I’m giving her. Tomorrow, you won’t be able to stop me from seeing her.” I turn and get back into my car.

  Her father stands on the steps outside and watches me drive off until I’m out of sight.

  24

  Everly

  I ate. It was a small amount, but I ate. Then I went back to sleep.

  I’ve eaten very little in the time I have been in my bedroom. It’s the last thing on my mind. Everything’s too hard. I can’t move. Honestly, I just don’t want to move.

  It’s easier to sleep than deal with everything. My father’s been in the room multiple times, and every time he entered, I pretended to be asleep. Goodness only knows how many times he’s actually been in here checking on me, because it’s been a lot when I’ve been pretending, and I’ve been asleep most of the time I’ve been here. I don’t want to deal with his questions. I don’t want to talk about any of it. At all. Ever.

  Sleeping is hard. Nightmares flank and grip me, then take me whole. I wake up internally screaming or covered in sweat.

  My mother comes in to give me fresh water, and has left me something to eat. She never said anything, but I’m sure she knows I’m awake.

  It’s now been two days, and I can honestly say the time hasn’t helped. The nightmares don’t stop, and when I’m awake, my heart won’t stop beating out of my chest. It’s all I feel—ba-bam, ba-bam, ba-bam—the sound reverberating inside me. It’s like a metronome, keeping me alive, but there’s severe pain with every single beat.

  Turning over hurts so badly, that I’ve stayed in the same position on my back for most of the time. Wiping my forehead, I notice it’s cold from sweat. When I close my eyes, I see him and feel what that bastard did all over again.

  Managing to gingerly sit up, I turn slowly to grab the water Mom placed there earli
er when a scream rips from my body that I can’t hold inside.

  “Everly…”

  My mouth hangs open with the pain, and the beat of my heart is deafening. What I wouldn’t give for the pain to go away.

  Then I notice someone sitting on my fluffy pink seat in the corner of the room, and I think the worst.

  But then I realize it’s Gunner when he walks over to the edge of my bed. He sits on the side, being extra careful not to touch me as he locks his eyes with mine.

  My heart rate slows down, its beats knowing he won’t hurt me, not like Roberto did. Well, I hope anyway.

  “Gunner,” I manage to say, but that’s all I can give him right now.

  He looks down at my hand, which is clinging to the blanket. I’m unable to let it go. Then his dark eyes find mine again, but they seem gentle, more so than I’ve ever seen them before.

  His hand attempts to touch mine, but I pull back like it’s made of fire and it will burn me. I notice the hurt flashing in his eyes before it quickly disappears.

  Finally, I gain the courage to speak. “What are you doing here?” I ask.

  He hasn’t spoken since he said my name, and I want to know why he’s here.

  “I’ve handled everything at your work for you.”

  To be honest, I haven’t even thought about work, and I should have. It’s my café. My life. My biggest achievement. Regret instantly fills me that I could forget about it.

  “I want you to come to mine. Not here. You don’t belong here.” He scrubs a hand through his hair.

  “And I belong with you?” I ask, not understanding what he’s saying, but noticing there’s pain etched on his face.

  “You do. You will always belong with me.”

  His words make me angry.

  I stand, the pain ripping through me, but the adrenaline keeping it muted for now, and tear the nightgown that’s covering my naked body off over my head and stand in front of him. His eyes only drift down once before they look straight back at me.

  “Your family did this to me, and I know without a shadow of doubt you would have liked to do this as well. You don’t want me anymore, Gunner. Look how broken he’s made me. Look…” I fling my arms around, then stare at my skin, which is marred with purple and black bruises.

  A knock sounds on the door and I pull the nightgown back over me to cover myself before I walk away to open it. When I do, my mother’s standing there with Alec by her side and Jacinta stands in the doorway. I don’t smile when I see him, but I do fall into his arms as he wraps both of them carefully around my body, gentle enough that he doesn’t hurt me, for which I’m grateful.

  “Squirt… fuck! What happened?” I don’t answer him, simply lay my head on his chest. I feel him breathing as he strokes my hair. Then I feel him tense. “You…” he seethes. “Knew it had to have something to do with you, you goddamn bastard.” Alec’s hands grip me tighter, not letting me move.

  “Remove your hands, now, Alec,” Gunner says in a calm but firm voice, but I know he’s anything but calm.

  “You don’t tell me what to do anymore when it comes to Everly. You’ve lost that right.”

  I pull back, Alec lets me go and I look up at him and he grimaces when he sees my lip.

  “I’ll be down in a minute. I just need one moment.” I grip his hand, giving it a squeeze before I step back. He moves out and I shut the door, then turn to Gunner.

  He looks at me with hope, but I have no hope to give him. Everything is gone, and I honestly have no idea what I have left. I feel so deflated. Miserable. Dejected. There are so many words to describe how I feel right now, and not one of them has anything to do with happiness.

  “Everly…” He takes a step toward me, and I let him. When he reaches me, I place my hand on his chest and feel the heavy beat of his heart and look up at him.

  He tries to speak, but I shake my head. Reaching up, I place my broken, stinging lips to his, giving him a soft kiss. He kisses me back ever so softly as if I’m made of glass. Gunner’s never treated me this way, and it puzzles me.

  I pull back. “Please don’t come back. Let me be.”

  He shakes his head slowly, not liking my words.

  “Please. I need… I need anything but you right now.” I know my words hurt him as much as they hurt me to say them, but I need to say them. He needs to hear that he can’t fix this. I need him gone. He’s left me before, so this time should be easier for him.

  “I love you, Everly.”

  I believe every single word. I’ve never felt more convinced in my life that he loves me than I do right now. But I don’t need his pity, that’s no longer enough. I step back, placing distance back between us.

  “This time, Everly, I’m coming back. I’m warning you now.” He steps away from me and heads out the door. I pull the nightgown around me tighter, like it’s some sort of comfort, and walk to my wardrobe.

  Maybe today I will wear something else.

  Maybe today I won’t cry.

  I see the back of Alec as I step down the stairs, then I see his fiancée next to him, clinging to his arm like he’s her lifeline. I manage to smile, but they wince at the sight of me.

  I’ve tried my best to cover the bruises with clothing, but some I couldn’t. My face, for one. There’s nothing I can do to cover the pain that bastard inflicted on me.

  “Everly, it’s so good to see you again.” Alec’s fiancée walks over and gives me a small hug before she steps back to him. I smile and he shakes his head as he walks over to me. I try to hold back the tears, but it’s no use. I can’t do it, and they start to fall. He wipes at them with his thumb before his giant arms hug me again, helping me piece myself back together. The room is quiet as we hold each other, and I pull back after a few minutes, wiping my face.

  I look at my father who wraps his arm around me and pulls me into his side as Alec speaks, “I looked into it. Into him…” I shiver at the mention. “It seems he was burned. His body’s been found in the house.” My eyes go wide. “The whole house was set alight,” he finishes, looking back at me. “Gunner burned it to the ground,” Alec tells me.

  Of course he did.

  “That was his parents’ house, Everly. He kept it in hopes that one day he’d be able to go back there.”

  I drop my head and close my eyes. Gunner loved his parents, this much I know. I have his mother’s ring to prove it. But I never knew he kept their house. And now he’s burned it down. Lost it. All because of him, and me.

  “Angel, why don’t we have some lunch? You must be starving,” my father says, changing the subject. I nod, not even sure I can eat, but knowing I should. I can’t let this define me. I wasn’t raised that way and need to be a better me so I can exist again in this world without feeling like a victim.

  “Do you know where my phone is?” I ask my father.

  My mother hands it to me.

  “Gunner gave it to me yesterday when he tried to see you.”

  I clutch the phone in my hand. “He came yesterday?”

  She nods. “Every day since you arrived,” she informs me.

  It’s only been two days, but it’s nice to know, I guess. It’s nice to know he tried. That’s all I ever wanted him to do. And respect me as his equal, not treat me like one of his whores. A shiver racks through me at the thought as I look down at my cell. I have multiple messages and they are all from him. No one else. Sliding the phone into my pocket, I decide today isn’t the day to read them. Not right now, anyway.

  Forcing myself to manage a smile, we all sit down at the table, and I learn more about Jacinta and who she is. Alec smiles as she talks, but looks over at me constantly to keep checking if I’m all right.

  I don’t think I will be for a long time.

  But, maybe one day, things will be okay again.

  I guess that’s all I can hope for.

  Alec and my father slip off into the other room to chat about business-related issues and my mother has gone to get us some more drinks. I didn’t
eat much, but I did drink two glasses of wine hoping it would lull me to sleep with no nightmares tonight.

  “He still loves you, you know,” Jacinta says.

  Surprise filters through me as she looks at me, waiting for me to answer her. I have no words, so she smiles softly. “But I see you don’t see him that way, and he’s worked that out.”

  “It doesn’t bother you?” I ask.

  “It did when he first told me about you. But then I met you, and I realized you don’t feel the same. I could see it. You love Alec, that much is clear, but as you would love a brother.” She looks over my shoulder and I turn to see her smiling at Alec through the door. His eyes flick to me, and he offers me a tighter smile.

  Turning back to her she continues, “You love that other man, and he clearly loves you as well. He wanted to kill Alec when you hugged him. I’ve never seen a man that angry before.”

  “We are broken.”

  She shrugs. “I thought I was broken, too. Then I met Alec. And I believe he has enough love for the both of us.” I want to tell her not all fairy tales end in a happily ever after. But I don’t. Instead, I take my phone and excuse myself, going straight to my room. I unlock the phone and start reading his messages.

  I came today, your father wouldn’t let me in.

  The date and time indicate he sent this when I was in the shower. It was the last time I looked at the clock that first day.

  He came back. He told me you were sleeping. I just wanted to look at you, to know you’re alive. He said no.

  My hands start to sweat as I read them.

  I didn’t kill him. It wasn’t me. But I did burn him. You didn’t say I couldn’t burn him.

  A sigh leaves me and I close my eyes momentarily, letting it all sink in.

  I went to your work. Told your manager you had family business to deal with. And I paid her extra to cover everything.