Colel

by Pamfiloff, Mimi Jean

  “Like who?”

  Dammit. Is this why they say lying is never good? Seriously, making up this much crap was exhausting. “You know, the people who hate bees. Like you.”

  “I may not like bees, but I don’t hate them. I have a healthy respect for their place in nature.”

  She felt her heart tingle along with a few other body parts. If he didn’t hate bees, there was hope for the two of them yet.

  He went on. “I just don’t want them in my store or anywhere near me. I’d rather not die. Especially now,” he added.

  She had to wonder what he meant. Was there some important crisis he was dealing with?

  Maybe he means the storm. The town did require lots of plowing.

  “Interesting. Well,” Colel continued, “my brothers, Guy and Nick, are stopping by, and I thought they’d enjoy meeting you.” Guy and Nick were Votan and Kinich’s modern names. Made them sound less like scary gods so they could blend in more easily with today’s humans.

  Another long pause. “Look, Colel, you’re one of the strangest women I’ve ever met, but you’re still a lady, and I believe in treating ladies with respect.”

  Awww…how sweet. “Okay, so…?”

  “So, I don’t like stringing women along.” He paused and then, “I’m not interested in dating. Not you. Not anyone. I’ve got enough on my plate.”

  “But I didn’t say anything about dating.” Yet. That will come later, after you’ve become a vampire. A wave of heebie-jeebies washed over her. Ick.

  “Usually when a woman asks you to meet her family, brothers especially, you’re already dating her. That sorta invite always has ulterior motives. And I don’t want you to get the wrong impression.” He drew a breath. “I might not understand this thing between us, but that doesn’t mean I want to date you.”

  “Ah. But as you just pointed out, we are not dating. We haven’t even had sex,” yet, “and it would be weird for a woman to ask you to meet her brothers before she’s even slept…with…you…” An image of the two of them naked in bed, panting and grinding, while a fire crackled in the chimney on a cold snowy night, filled her head. “Before she’s had your hot, naked body on top of her. Your sweat-slicked skin gliding over her bare supple breasts and your strong muscles flexing as you pump your—”

  “Are you sure you’re not supposed to be on any medications?”

  She shook her mead-soaked head, snapping out of her mind-porn. “Sorry. I get a little carried away sometimes. Can’t help it. I mean, you are the first man I’ve ever wanted. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at another after meeting you.”

  “What did you say?”

  “Errr…” Colel couldn’t tell if he was angry or just shocked. “I’m sorry. I know that being so forward makes you feel uncomfortable, but I simply don’t know another way.” I’m over seventy thousand years old. And a virgin. She didn’t see the point in pretending she wasn’t into this guy.

  “So you do have ulterior motives,” he concluded.

  “Never said I didn’t. I merely stated the facts.” Sorta. “We’re not dating. My brothers are coming to town, and they would enjoy meeting you.”

  “I must respectfully decline.”

  “Do it, or I’ll burn down your house.”

  “What?”

  “Oh, hahaha…just kidding.” Not really. “It’s only one meal. And then maybe after, you and I could…you know…fuck or something?”

  “Jesus, Colel. What is the matter with you?”

  “I’m horny?” And I want you to agree to have dinner with us, so I’m enticing you with dessert: goddess pie.

  “Aren’t we all, but you can’t go around saying stuff like that to a stranger.”

  “Why not? It’s true. I will also point out that after we have dinner, we won’t be strangers anymore, so why not make plans? Sex plans.” Of course, she hadn’t said how far out these plans were. First, she had to come clean and then get him to agree to his transformation. “Besides, maybe you were mistaken about me. Maybe I’m not a lady. Don’t you wanna find out?”

  “You might have a gutter mouth, but all women are ladies.” He mumbled, “Except for one.”

  Oh, more intrigue. She couldn’t wait to hear all about this female who’d damaged him. Maybe I’ll do Rys a solid and have Brutus pay her car windows a visit.

  “Does this mean you’ll have dinner with us?” Colel asked.

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Excellent! We’ll be at your house around eight.”

  “I said I’d think about it. And…did you say ‘my house’?”

  He could not come to her rental. There were bees there.

  “Look, Rys, I’m going to be straight with you.” Not really. “My hive doesn’t like you, and I’d rather just avoid any complications at this early, yet important, phase of our relationship.” The truth was, if her bees saw him, their jealousy might kick back in. If anything, their curiosity would get the best of them, and then he’d be back to running for the hills.

  “We are not in a relationship,” he retorted. “I’m not interested in a relationship. Thought I made that clear.”

  “You sure did.” And I’m ignoring it. “Back to the dinner topic: The house I’m staying at is yours, so what’s the difference? Either way, the meal is going to happen at your house.”

  “Let me guess, you’re expecting me to cook this dinner.”

  “You don’t expect me to cook, do you? Because I don’t know how.”

  “Let me get this straight; you invited me to cook you dinner at my place, with your out-of-town family. Did I get that right?”

  “Perrrty much. But you forgot the part about us being there at eight.”

  “If I say no, you’re going to show up anyway, aren’t you?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “And if I don’t answer the door?” he questioned.

  “Do you really wanna find out?”

  “I can’t believe this,” he muttered, sounding exhausted. “I guess I’ll give my grandmother a heads-up.”

  “Oh, you’re inviting her? The more the merrier, I always say.”

  “No. I’m going to warn her and make sure she has somewhere else to go. She lives with me.”

  He lives with his granny? I think my heart just melted into my flowery rain boots. She’d put them on before boarding the plane. She’d heard it would be very wet over in LA tonight. “She is absolutely welcome to join us.”

  “How generous of you to invite her to eat in her own home.”

  “Oh, stop. You know what I meant. I’d really love to meet her. After all, you and I are going to be having sex soon. Relationship!”

  “No. Absolutely not.” His tone shifted to stern and unyielding. “No relationship. And I just changed my mind about dinner. You are officially uninvited from your invitation. You are not welcome in my life. I’m hanging up now.”

  “Rys, come on. I was just kidding.” Not really. Gods, his angry voice sounds so delicious. I want to hear him angry-come. Just once. Okay, maybe twice; once on my face.

  “Look, Colel. I don’t think you’re listening to me—”

  “I am, but all I’m hearing is resistance. Albeit, very masculine and strong resistance, so kudos for standing your ground and not being a wimp. But I meant what I said last time; I really felt something when we met, and if you think I’m insane for saying it out loud or for speaking my mind, because I might be a little drunk on fermented honey, then so be it. I’m not going to feel ashamed for wanting you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone.”

  “Colel, please…” His tone changed from stern asshole to pleading. She could tell he was struggling, trying hard to resist her. But if she was right, he couldn’t. Not any more than she could resist him.

  “All I’m asking,” she said softly, “is for us to get to know each other a bit. And yes, my ways are little unorthodox, but humor me. If you do, then you’ll see there’s more to me than just a crazy bee woman who’s never been laid.”


  Silence. Deafening silence.

  “Rys? You still there?”

  “You’ve really never had sex?” His tone was riddled with disbelief and a splash of curiosity.

  “Are we on for dinner?” she asked.

  Another long pause.

  “Come on,” she pushed. “What have you got to lose?” Besides your humanity.

  “It’s spaghetti night, so that’s what we’ll be eating.”

  He agreed! Her heart did a little hopscotch inside her chest. We’re having dinner.

  He continued, “And my grandmother normally does the cooking, but she hasn’t been feeling well lately, so we’ll be eating my spaghetti. It’s from a jar.”

  “I adore jars.” Honey lover here. “And I’ll bring some pollen. It will have her feeling better than ever. See you at eight. Can we have phone sex now?”

  “What?”

  “Hahaha…just kidding.” Not even a little.

  With a skeptical chuckle, he said, “I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this. Good night, Colel.”

  “Good night, Rys.” Grinning from ear to ear, she ended the call and looked up to find Chuck and the other bees sitting in the seat in front of her, staring and shaking their little heads.

  “Stop judging me. I’ve never dated anyone before because I’ve spent my entire existence in the company of insects. I have no human social skills, thanks to you.” She shook a finger at them. “Now shoo. I have some thinking to do.” She had Rys on board for dinner, but now she had to convince Kinich and Votan to join her.

  How hard can it bee? She needed a mate before it became her turn to flip. Surely, they’d want to help her. Wouldn’t they?

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  “Why not, Votan?” Standing in the large, nearly empty office space of the Immortal Matchmakers, Inc., agency in downtown LA, Colel stomped her foot. “You’re my brother. You’re supposed to bee there for me.”

  Votan stood tall in his black leather pants sans shirt, an ancient sword strapped to his back. He hated being challenged. “First of all, we’re not really related and—”

  “Ah, but that doesn’t mean we’re not family,” she pointed out. “Who made sure your wife, Emma, was given a proper baby shower, huh? And who kept you company for seventy-something years when we were trapped in those cenotes by the Maaskab?” The Maaskab were no longer a menace, but once upon a time, they’d been the biggest threat to mankind. Over ten thousand strong with evil tricks up their evil sleeves that rival the gods’. Not that the Maaskab wore clothing. Really, just thumb necklaces and human-skin diapers.

  Revolting.

  “You buzzed to every showtune known to man,” he pointed out resentfully. “And then you got everyone else to buzz with you. It nearly drove me mad.”

  Colel held back a snicker. It was true. She, along with her other brethren—most of them anyway—had been stuck in those watery prisons for decades. It was Votan’s mate, Emma, who eventually figured out how to free them.

  “I’m sorry about all the buzzing,” not really, “but my bees were bored of waiting for me outside the cenote. I thought it would soothe them. Plus, what else was there to do?”

  “Anything. Anything but that,” Votan replied flatly.

  “You have to help me. This man is my mate—at least I think he is—so that means he’s likely to end up immortal. He needs to meet a total badass god like yourself so he gets the whole,” she waved her hands through the air, “coolness thing.”

  “Stop trying to flatter me.” He crossed his boulder-sized arms over his chest.

  Just then, Zac walked up and gave Votan a condescending nod. “I told her, yanno.” They were the same seven feet of arrogant deity, and when you were that tall, every gesture simply felt bigger. More challenging, more snotty. She was just shy of six feet tall, so that made her the more “down to earth” goddess.

  “Told her what?” Votan snapped.

  “That you’d say no,” Zac replied smugly. “You have your mate. You have a beautiful family, villas all over the world, and a ten-million-dollar collection of Bugattis. What do you care about me, her, or any of us?”

  “That is not true. I’ve fought. I’ve protected.” Votan pressed his index finger to his own chest. “I’ve spent most of my existence serving everyone but myself.”

  Zac smiled glibly. “From what I hear, you served yourself a lot. Five times a day, according to our Uchben soldiers.”

  Votan raised his chin and flicked a lock of long blue-black hair over his shoulder. “I have very potent manly energy. It had to be released somehow.”

  Oh puleese. Colel had to rein them in before they spun off into another argument about the merits of jerking off. For the record, Zac preferred manwhoring to masturbation. Until he met Tula.

  Colel placed a hand on Votan’s arm, drawing his attention back to herself. “I won’t argue; you did earn your place of respect among us, Votan, but I have never asked you for anything. This is one dinner. A few hours.”

  He groaned. “Fine. I’ll go. But Emma is going to be upset. I was supposed to fix the sink.”

  Colel held back a snarl. He hadn’t wanted to help her over that? Votan could easily hire a plumber. But nooo… He believed that nothing was done right unless done himself.

  “Tell Emma how grateful I am,” she said. “And thank you. Now I just have to convince Kinich to show up.” Kinich, who was once the Sun God, would impress the hell out of Rys with his golden-streaked hair and considerable height. He knew how to light up a room despite no longer being a god.

  “Kinich is going?” Votan griped. “Great.”

  “Ah, but you already said yes. So no backing out!” Colel warned as Votan turned and walked away, grumbling profanities about having to share a meal with Kinich. The two bickered nonstop.

  “Well, that went well,” said Zac.

  “Can we get the meeting started already?” Penelope called from the head of the fold-out table. Penelope was a tall beauty with long dark hair. She was also part angel and Kinich’s wife. She’d inherited his powers and his place as ruler of the House of Gods when he changed into a vampire. All it meant was that Penelope had to set the meeting agendas, take notes, and keep order. She could also throw fireballs. Big whoop.

  Everyone gathered around the plastic molded table. Most of the floor space was empty save for Zac and Tula’s desks and a corner office once occupied by Cimil. There was also a small waiting area over by the elevator—they were on the fourteenth floor—and a makeshift break room in the corner.

  Colel walked over and helped Zac set up the iPads for those who were Skyping into the meeting. Pretty much everyone except herself, Zac, Penelope and Kinich (they were a team), Votan, Belch (God of Wine), and Forgetty (the Goddess of Forgetfulness).

  “I call this emergency summit open,” said Penelope and then took a quick roll call. When she got to the last name, Cimil, she skipped it. “Now I hand the floor to Zac, God of Temptation, who is currently in the doghouse for several violations.”

  He gave her a look, as if to say sorrynotsorry for being the god meant to test a person’s convictions. Wasn’t like he had a choice. So, yeah, he’d tried to steal her from Kinich, but it hadn’t been personal. At least not to him.

  “I’m paying my penance,” he said. “But as everyone knows, my suffering has gone beyond what any of you imagined.”

  “We are very sorry for your loss, brother,” Colel said, setting up his pitch. “If there is something—anything—we could do to ease your pain over the loss of your mate…”

  “There is, in fact,” said Zac. “But it will take the courage of every god in this room. It will take compassion and forgiveness.”

  “All right,” Kinich piped up. “What do you want?” Kinich, who was about seven feet tall with gold-streaked hair, was now a vampire, but still had his sunny disposition, which he didn’t share with Zac.

  “I want you to help me free Cimil,” Zac announced.

  Laughter erupted in the room.
>
  Oh, poor guy. Colel cringed. “Wait! Wait! Everyone, hear him out before you start wetting yourselves.” She waved her arms in the air to get their attention. “Zac’s mate has been taken from him, and at the very least he deserves to be heard.” She looked at Kinich. “And you, stop smiling. Imagine if it were Penelope who died.” She turned to Votan. “Or Emma.”

  “Well, I wasn’t smiling,” said the Goddess of…of… Oh, that’s right…the Goddess of Forgetfulness, who wore her blonde hair in a high ponytail and had on her signature ’60s style minidress. “Cimil is the reason our beloved Tula is dead. Why in the hell would you want her free?”

  Zac dragged his hands over his shiny black locks. “Because I think Cimil knew all along what would happen, and she had a plan. She has a way to bring Tula back.”

  “How do you know? Who told you?” Kinich questioned, folding his large arms across his wide chest.

  “Tula. She’s still alive. Sorta.” Zac pointed to the light gray room divider where they had their little makeshift break room. “Tula, come out.”

  What? Ohmygods. Colel’s mouth dropped open, and she swiveled her body to get a better view, as did everyone else. Colel suddenly felt something in her mouth and spit it out. “Chuck, not now.” He was such a dirty little bee.

  “We can’t see. Someone turn our camera,” said Ashli, the Goddess of Love, over the iPad sitting on the table. She was also a dark beauty with her milk-chocolate skin and wild mane of dark curls. Her husband, Máax, the God of Time Travel, was somewhere there with her.

  Zac kept waving someone towards him. “Yes, my love, don’t be shy. Come right here so everyone can see you.” Zac put his arm around the space next to him as if caressing a person.

  Oh no… He has cracked. “Uh, Zac? There’s nobody there.”

  “What do you mean? She’s right here.” He swept his hand over the space. “Tula, say hi.” He then looked around the table expectantly.

  Everyone exchanged awkward glances.

  Dammit. This isn’t even half as funny as I imagined. In fact, it wasn’t funny at all.