Looking for Alibrandi

by Melina Marchetta

  “I was voguing, Sister.”

  Sister Louise looked at us all with such disgust that I felt sick to the stomach. I think at that moment I would rather have been dead than disgusting.

  “You’ll come here every afternoon until four-thirty. I’ll have notes prepared for your parents. You will also be banned from any further school excursions for the rest of the term. You’re all a disgrace. Get back to class.”

  We looked at each other and turned to leave, but my disgrace had not yet stopped.

  “Stay, Josephine.”

  Lee pinched me as she walked out and I caught Anna’s look of sympathy. When Sister wasn’t looking, Sera vogued out of the room, and as serious as it all was, I wanted to laugh. We were alone for about three minutes before she looked up.

  “Why do you do this to me?”

  “I’m sorry, Sister.”

  “You are not sorry, so don’t insult my intelligence. Don’t say things to me because you know they are what I want to hear.”

  “I don’t know what came over me, Sister. I know it was wrong.”

  “I said not to insult my intelligence,” she gritted.

  I opened my mouth to say something but stopped. I figured anything that came out of my mouth would insult her intelligence.

  “I know what came over you. You decided to become a sheep for the day, Josephine. You weren’t a leader. You were a follower. You’ll never amount to anything if you can be so easily influenced.”

  “I wasn’t a sheep, Sister,” I said angrily.

  “It was Sera’s idea, wasn’t it?”

  She looked at me with such contempt that I wondered if anybody in this world would ever intimidate me as much as this woman did.

  “No,” I lied.

  “You are a prefect. Do you know what that means?”

  “Yes.”

  “What does it mean? Let me guess. It means you wear a badge and you feel important, right?”

  “No,” I said, irritated. “It means I . . . I have responsibilities.”

  “To whom?”

  I looked down and then back to her.

  “To the students.”

  “Oh, you’re responsible for the students, are you? Like yesterday? How responsible were you yesterday, Josephine? I want you to tell me how responsible you were. There were twelve-year-old girls in that last lot, Josephine. Darlinghurst is a dangerous area. You were there to make sure nothing could happen to them. You were responsible.”

  I swallowed and shrugged.

  “I wasn’t responsible yesterday.”

  “Do you know what responsibility is, Josephine? If you don’t, try following Ivy Lloyd around one day. That is responsibility.”

  My blood boiled at the mention of Ivy’s name.

  “I’m just as responsible as Ivy, Sister. Yesterday was a one-off.”

  “Ivy doesn’t have ‘one-offs.’ She’s responsible from the moment she walks into this school till the moment she walks out.”

  Good for Ivy, I wanted to say.

  “I made a decision late last year which I’ve regretted during this year, Josie, but now I know it was the right one,” she said. “You were voted school captain, but I gave the job to Ivy because I knew she’d do a better job.”

  “What?” I shouted. “Why?”

  “Need you ask me that after yesterday?”

  “I wouldn’t have done what I did yesterday if I was school captain,” I said.

  “Yes you would, Josephine, and that’s what I was afraid of. You and your friends are trendsetters. The girls look up to you. They copy what you do. They’ll probably slap you on the back to congratulate you when you get back into class. I couldn’t afford to have my school captain set such a bad example.”

  “You’re wrong. We’re not trendsetters and they don’t look up to us. They think they’re superior to us.”

  “Believe that, if that’s what you want to believe, but I can’t have you being a leader, Josie. I’m thinking seriously of choosing another vice captain.”

  “You can’t do that,” I said, standing up. “It’s the only thing I have going for me in this school.”

  I was embarrassed because I was crying, but I didn’t realize until then how much it meant to me to be a prefect.

  “Things would have been so different for me if I was school captain,” I told her. “I would have felt different. What did I do for you to take that away from me?”

  “A lot, Josephine. There was that time you walked like an Egyptian up to communion in front of the bishop.”

  A Sera dare.

  “And the time you stood up at the Catholic Association’s seminar and said the church stank with its rules on the IVF issue.”

  “I said it sucked.”

  “Yes, and you said it in front of the bishop.”

  “I have the right to an opinion.”

  “Yes, you do, but you’re not the first person who ever had one, Josephine. You seem to think you are. You have to learn that sometimes you have to keep your mouth shut, because what you do reflects on this school and on me and others. They don’t make you principal of a school because you’re middle-aged and wear a habit. You have to stop believing that your actions are always right, and you have to remember that you aren’t a leader because you’re given a title. You’re a leader because of what is inside of you. Because of how you feel about yourself. Having a badge saying you’re school captain shouldn’t have stopped you from doing what you did yesterday. You should be able to do that on your own. Now go back to class and think about that.”

  I walked out, crying all the way down the corridor, and it wasn’t until I got to the end that I stopped.

  Trendsetters. Examples. School captain. Leaders. The words kept on running through my head and I began to see that maybe Sister wasn’t lying.

  Everyone loved Anna and everyone wanted to be Lee’s friend, and although Sera got on everyone’s nerves, she still managed to make people do the most incredible things and nobody ever called her a wog because she didn’t give a damn.

  And me? I was voted school captain. Socially we weren’t as shitty as we thought we were. So I turned around and walked back into her room without knocking.

  “I’m really sorry, Sister. Don’t call me a liar because I do mean it.”

  She looked up, no forgiveness evident in her eyes. “I’m not here to make you feel good, Josie.”

  “You’re supposed to forgive me. You’re a nun.”

  “Priests have the authority to forgive, Josephine. Nuns don’t.”

  “So I go around with this sin on my soul for the rest of my life?”

  “No, only until I think you mean it. Until I can trust you again. You have great potential, Josephine, but so do many others. It’s up to you to use that potential.”

  “I’m not a sheep,” I whispered.

  “You were yesterday, Josephine.”

  When I walked back into the classroom I did get pats on the back.

  “Better than going on the dumb walkathon,” everyone said.

  “What I did was wrong,” I told them quietly.

  “What’s the big deal?” someone asked. “Don’t let her make you feel guilty.”

  “One of the Year Seven kids could have been grabbed by a madman. I was responsible for them. That’s what the big deal was. I was wrong in what I did yesterday.”

  I was wrong, I thought to myself. I honestly believed it. Not because Sister Louise told me or because she made me believe I was. I knew deep down that I was wrong, and I think that my emancipation began at that moment.

  Twenty~One

  JOHN BARTON RANG me on Monday night. I didn’t experience the same rush of excitement I would have felt a few months ago, but I was glad he called after all. He wanted to know whether I wanted to see Macbeth with him, so we decided to go on Tuesday night because it was half price.

  I was a bit worried that he would be depressed again, but when I saw his smiling face in front of the theater I knew things were back to norma
l.

  “You really scared me last time, you know,” I told him.

  “I scare myself sometimes. Never listen to me when I’m depressed. It was the exams and all.”

  “Isn’t it freezing? I’m really getting sick of winter now,” I told him as we rushed into the movie theater.

  He smiled at me and shrugged.

  “I’m really sorry about how I acted.”

  “Don’t worry. I go through failure periods as well. When that happens, I think of all the things I can do that other people can’t.”

  “Like what?”

  I thought for a moment and shrugged.

  “Okay, I’ll be the first Alibrandi to be eligible for university. I’ll also be the first Alibrandi woman to have a say in how her life will turn out.”

  He nodded as well.

  “I’ve got one. I’m the only Barton who can play ‘Blowin’ in the Wind’ on the recorder, as well as ‘Peace Train.’”

  We laughed for a while and then discussed some movies that we had seen previously and I found that this was what I liked about John Barton. We had the same interests. He knew what I was talking about when I mentioned books and movies and certain subjects. That was one area where I wasn’t compatible with Jacob. We hated each other’s taste in movies and he wasn’t much of a literary fan.

  “Ben Peters dropped out, you know. He couldn’t cope. Imagine dropping out a few months before the HSC.”

  “I can’t believe it,” I said, amazed. “I’m surprised his parents let him.”

  “I think he had some kind of nervous breakdown.”

  “How sad,” I said, thinking of the boy. “He was such a good student. Doesn’t it scare you? Like not getting great marks in your HSC. The system is changing and everything is a real worry. So many people aren’t getting into the subjects they want and the averages are getting higher.”

  John took off his coat and looked the other way.

  “Let’s not talk about careers and school marks. It’s all I hear about at school and home.”

  I thought he was going to go all strange on me again.

  “Popcorn and a drink?”

  “Cheetos, thanks,” I said, looking around the complex.

  My heart stopped for one single second when I found myself facing Jacob on the other side of the room. His arms were folded and he was looking at me furiously. I gave a small wave and walked hesitantly toward him.

  “Hi, Jacob,” I said in a small voice.

  “What are you doing here with him?” he asked.

  “We’re going to see a movie.”

  “Oh, really. I would never have guessed that,” he said sarcastically. “You know what I mean, Josie. What are you doing with him?”

  “Jacob, he’s a friend of mine, for God’s sake. Because I’m going out with you doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to go out with friends.”

  “He’s a guy, for one. He’s also someone you like and you could have told me you were going out with him. Why didn’t you?”

  Anton and a few of his friends walked up to say hello and then John joined us, and I desperately wanted to dig a hole and bury myself.

  “John, you remember Jacob, don’t you?”

  “Yes, of course,” he said, extending a hand politely.

  “I thought you were going out with her,” one of Jacob’s loud, uncouth friends said.

  “Yeah, so did I,” he said, looking at me.

  Anton pulled the others away, leaving just Jacob, John and me.

  “John, can you just excuse us?” I asked.

  “Don’t worry, John, I’ve got nothing to say,” Jacob said roughly.

  “We’re friends, Jacob. There’s nothing to worry about,” John explained.

  I looked at them both and sighed, not knowing what to do.

  “Jacob, we’ll talk about this after, okay?”

  “I don’t want to talk about anything after. What is this, Josie? What have you been doing for the last couple of months? Stringing me along?” he snapped.

  “I think you should cool down a bit, Jacob,” John said practically.

  “You don’t really want to hear what I think you should do, John,” Jacob said.

  “Well, I don’t like the way you’re talking to her. We decided to see this movie, way before you were on the scene,” John snapped, taking my hand.

  Jacob pushed him back roughly. John in turn pushed him back gently. I don’t know who got on my nerves more.

  “Come on, Josie. You can’t reason with him,” John said. “He’s probably drunk.”

  Jacob grabbed him by the shirt and John pushed back viciously and I pulled him away as quickly as I could.

  “John, I’ll meet you by the door,” I said firmly.

  They exchanged filthy looks and I had to tell John to go again before he walked away reluctantly.

  “I can’t believe you’re taking it this way,” I said.

  “Do you know how embarrassed I was, Josie? My friends have to listen to me go on about you every day and I come here and what do I see? My girlfriend with that wanker.”

  “He is not a wanker,” I snapped. “He’s my friend.”

  “See that girl over there,” he said, swinging me around and pointing to a tall red-haired girl wearing a black miniskirt and looking like someone who could easily pass as a model.

  “What about her?”

  “Her name is Arianne and she goes to school with me and she’s a friend. Now how would you react if just Arianne and me went to the movies?”

  I looked at her and wanted to lie and say it wouldn’t worry me. But I shrugged instead. “I’d be angry,” I said quietly.

  “You’d think I was fucking around behind your back, wouldn’t you?”

  I nodded. “I didn’t think you’d want to see the movie I’m seeing, Jacob, and John did. We arranged it ages ago. Before you.”

  “What movie?”

  “Macbeth.”

  “Well, for your information, Miss Intellectual, we’re studying Macbeth at school and that’s what I’m going to see tonight, so never ever presume what I like and what I don’t like.”

  “Jacob . . .”

  “Don’t say anything, Josie. You talk too much.”

  He walked away and I desperately wanted to cry, but then I remembered John standing by the door and walked toward him.

  “Sorry about that.”

  “I don’t know what you see in him, Josie,” John whispered angrily. “He’s not your type.”

  “If we all went out with people our type we’d be bored out of our brains.”

  “Yeah, but just think one day of you being a barrister and he being a whatever he wants to be.”

  “Mechanic,” I said quietly.

  “How many barristers do you know married to mechanics?”

  “I don’t know many barristers.”

  “Well, I do, Josie,” he said, taking my hand and giving the tickets to the guy at the door.

  I don’t remember how good a movie Macbeth was. I hardly heard a word of it. All I could think of was where Jacob was sitting. Wondering if it was over between us and I didn’t want it to be.

  All I could think of was all the mistakes I seemed to be making lately. I was angry with John as well. Not that it was his fault or anything, but I felt that he was warning me away from Jacob, not because he liked me, but because he felt that future professionals shouldn’t mix with future tradesmen. I began to realize that it didn’t matter what others thought about what was right and wrong. It only mattered how you felt, and personally I could be with anyone of any profession if their personality was like Jacob’s.

  When it was over we walked out and I tried to be enthusiastic when John began to rave, but I think he caught on because he seemed to be looking at me sympathetically.

  “Don’t worry. It’s not the end of the world.”

  I nodded and he kissed me on the cheek.

  “We’ll do this again, okay?”

  “Of course,” I lied, knowing that I would neve
r do this again if Jacob spoke to me.

  “You’re a good friend, Josephine. I feel good when I’m with you.”

  “And I feel great when I’m with you, John. Don’t ever change.”

  We hugged each other, and he walked out while I desperately looked around for Jacob. He eyed me as he was walking out and I waved, but he just walked past.

  I waited until he parted with his friends and approached him, but I knew I would get nowhere by the look on his face.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “Forget it.”

  “Why is it that every time I apologize to someone these days they won’t accept it?” I asked in frustration.

  “Because you probably come across as insincere. You probably think that an ‘I’m sorry’ is going to make you feel better,” he said angrily.

  “I didn’t realize.”

  “You never do,” he said in a tired tone. “You go about whinging and wailing about the way people treat you, but you never think about the way you treat people. I was hurt. But you wouldn’t understand that, would you? You don’t think that people like me get hurt.”

  “Jacob, please . . .”

  “Go home, Josie. Just go home,” he said, walking away.

  So I sat at the bus stop because I didn’t have enough taxi money and cried.

  The lady next to me gave me a sticker that said “Jesus Loves You” on it and I cried and told her that he didn’t. I felt that my life was coming apart and it was nobody’s fault but mine and just as I ran out of my last tissue and was using it, folded over and over again, I felt someone press a clean white hankie in my hand.

  “It’s been washed since last time.”

  I sobbed into it and felt him put his arm around my shoulder.

  “You drive me crazy, do you know that?” he sighed.

  “I would never hurt you deliberately,” I sniffed.

  He pulled me up and took me to where he had parked the motorcycle and sat me down, putting the helmet on my head and fastening it.

  “Educate me. Is it the modern thing for a girl to go out with another guy while she’s going out with me?”

  “He is my friend, Jacob. That’s the honest truth. I would never let him kiss me while I’m with you. But I’ve known and liked him for so long that when he asked me out I felt as if I had to for my sake. Haven’t you ever liked a girl for so long? Someone who’s the answer to the dreams you’ve dreamt for ages? Well, that’s how I feel about John.”