Dating Essentials for Men

by Robert Glover

  Bantering and flirting are a mental thing, they begin in your mind. They have everything to do with how you make someone else feel. How you make someone else feel is based on how you feel about yourself. So get out of the house, create a full and interesting life, and challenge your self-limiting beliefs.

  Practice, practice, practice. And, most importantly, have fun!

  Resources

  I would like to acknowledge the following resources for information used in this chapter:

  AJ & Jordan: pickuppostcast.com

  IRC Guide to Flirting: http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html

  Chapter 18: Follow This Roadmap to Find Your Really Great Woman

  How you date determines the kind of relationship you end up with.

  When I was teaching the material in this book as online courses, most men registered for one of three reasons. Some wanted to improve their dating skills. Others wanted to find a friend with benefits (FWB). Most wanted to find love. If you fit in the third category, this lesson will completely change your paradigm about how to date.

  The premise of this chapter is that the way most people date is absolutely the worst possible foundation upon which to build a healthy relationship.

  Here is how the average bad dater approaches dating:

  •He has absolutely no plan or idea of what he is looking for. He just knows he is lonely and he believes a girlfriend is the answer to what ails him.

  •If he is lucky, he meets a woman who shows some interest in him.

  •If she isn’t too unattractive (or too attractive for that matter), he works up the nerve to ask her out.

  •He does his best to make a good impression.

  •If they seem to hit it off, he starts chatting with her on the phone and emailing on a daily basis.

  •He starts seeing her as often as he can and gives up most of the things that are important to him in order to be with her.

  •If she is willing, they typically start having sex after just a few dates.

  •He ignores all red flags and warning signs.

  •Even if the relationship starts going south, he does everything he can to keep it together because he doesn’t want to be lonely again or start over dating.

  Sound familiar? If you have been down this road before, you know what this approach leads to – getting stuck with a woman who disappoints you and/or drives you crazy.

  This lesson will show you how to greatly increase your odds of finding what I call a “Really Great Woman” (RGW). This is the kind of woman who will bless your life, challenge you in healthy ways, and bring out the best in you.

  You might stumble onto a really great woman by pure luck following the traditional model of dating, but let’s not leave something this important to chance or dumb luck. This chapter contains a road map that will take you to your destination with the fewest detours and in the shortest amount of time.

  The 5/5

  The first order of business is to determine what you are looking for. As simple as this sounds, most bad daters never write down the characteristics they want in a woman. This action is essential. If you don’t know what you are looking for, you will probably never find it.

  To find a really great woman, you need an objective way of measuring and evaluating the women you date. You could be with a woman who is terribly wrong for you and not know it until it is way too late. Your quest for finding a RGW starts with your 5/5.

  The 5/5 is a simple exercise where you write down at least five traits you have to have in your RGW and five traits you won’t tolerate. Five isn’t a magic number in either category, but it is a good start.

  Have to Haves

  A woman must have all of the traits on your “have to have” list to be your RGW. The traits on this part of your 5/5 will probably include things like honesty, fidelity, passion, sense of humor, availability, financial stability, and of course, passion and sex.

  Won’t Tolerate

  The second part of the 5/5 is a list of things you won’t accept in a woman or won’t tolerate in a relationship. The “won’t tolerates” are the deal killers. These might include deceit, infidelity, addictions, sloth, laziness, anger issues, mood disturbances, etc.

  Sometimes the traits on this side of the list are just a flip of the traits on the have to have side. That’s okay. Observing these traits from two different sides will help you be clear on what you want and what you don’t.

  Your 5/5 list will reflect your personal wants and likes. Your list may evolve and grow over time. A good idea would be to post this list where you can see it regularly. Put it on your refrigerator or bathroom mirror. Review it often, especially when you start dating a new woman. I suggest that after three or four dates with a woman, you show her your 5/5 list and have a discussion about what you are both looking for.

  The Relationship Pyramid

  The relationship pyramid is a roadmap. Think of it as your guide for finding what you are looking for. It is a powerful tool for keeping you conscious. This roadmap is a simple but elegant way to evaluate the women you date. The Dating Essentials for Men Workbook available at datingessentialsformen.com has a printable version of the relationship pyramid. Here are the basics of how it works.

  Every woman on the planet falls somewhere inside the pyramid. Every woman you meet will fall into a specific category when it comes to her suitability as a partner for you. Since every woman is measured from your personal perspective, the pyramid is subjective.

  The dating pyramid helps you efficiently find your RGW by helping you quickly decide who is not your really great woman. The pyramid insures that you don’t spend too much time with the wrong woman.

  Here are the four levels of the Pyramid:

  RGW: The upper tip of the pyramid is the Really Great Woman.

  A RGW is the only woman with whom you will enter into a long-term relationship. That is why there is a line extending out to either side of the pyramid. This line is to remind you that you don’t go below that line when it comes to long-term relationships. This line reminds you to never settle or “date down.”

  Your RGW is a woman with whom you could spend a lifetime. This woman meets every quality on your 5/5. There is nothing fundamental about her that you would want to change. You like her just as she is. This doesn’t mean she is perfect, it just means there is nothing significant that you would ever want to change about her.

  Don’t confuse the idea of a Really Great Woman with “The One.” I don’t believe there is a one perfect woman for each man. Any number of women could be an RGW for you. Don’t get caught in the fantasy of looking for that one perfect woman who can complete you. Also, don’t confuse the idea of a RGW with “perfection” or a “key-holding goddess.”

  Also, I warn against proclaiming a woman you have only known for three weeks to be your Really Great Woman. I believe it takes a good three years to truly know another person. I’ve listened to too many men breathlessly tell me they believe they’ve found their RGW after three dates, only later to find that she can’t commit or she starts accusing him of infidelity if she sees him checking his cell phone or he shows up five minutes later than she expected for date.

  GW: The good woman is just that, a good woman.

  I tell guys that there are “boatloads” of good women out there. Good women have many of the traits on your 5/5, but they don’t score 100%. There may be one major thing from your 5/5 or an accumulation of smaller things that add up to prevent them from being your RGW. The key difference between a RGW and a good woman is that the GW has some fundamental things about her that you would want to change.

  If you get into a long-term relationship with a woman who has things about her you wish were different, two potentially negative things will probably happen.

  The first is that you will constantly try to change her. These attempts to get your GW to change will often be subtly manipulative. You might not always even be aware of it yourself. Trying to change someone is unloving. If you have ever been
in a relationship with a woman who wanted you to be different in some fundamental way, you know what I mean.

  The second potential problem with getting into a long-term relationship with a GW is that you will always be at least a little dissatisfied with her. This dissatisfaction may linger beneath the surface most of the time, but it will still be there. You will wish she was different. You might live with mild regret for settling. You’ll fantasize about what it might be like to be with a woman who has the traits you desire. The cumulative effect is that you will become resentful, emotionally withdrawn, and ripe for an affair or some other form of sexual acting out (porn, chat rooms, etc.).

  This is why you should never settle. Remember, every time you settle, you end up with exactly what you settled for. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that a GW will either change over time or that you will come to accept her the way she is. This rarely happens and neither is being loving toward yourself or her. This is why you never enter into a long-term relationship with any woman who doesn’t have all the qualities on your list.

  WW: Wrong women make up the majority of the women you will meet.

  These women are wrong for you for a number of reasons – age, language barriers, educational or economic differences, relationship status, etc. This isn’t making a judgment about their character or person. WW are “wrong” because they are not a good match for you. Most women won’t be, just like you won’t be a good match for most women.

  You are going to meet a lot of wrong women. You’ll usually know it in 30 seconds or less. Sometimes it might take a few minutes or a couple of hours to know for sure, but it usually doesn’t take long. You’ll typically be able to tell if a woman is a WW for you because you’ll have little in common, you might not be attracted to her, or you might not be drawn to her personality. It goes without saying that you shouldn’t waste time pursuing a relationship with a woman once you realize that she is a WW.

  All women at work are wrong women – never date them. There are too many things that can go wrong, all the way from making for a messy work environment to you losing your job.

  All it takes is for one woman (who seemed to be showing high interest) to tell your manager or HR that you are making her uncomfortable or harassing her. Best case scenario – you get a reprimand in your permanent file. Worst case scenario – you’ll be looking for another job with a dark cloud hanging over you. No woman is worth this risk.

  RWW: The bottom band of the relationship pyramid is reserved for really wrong women.

  This category consists of the women who will make your life miserable. RWW are disasters waiting to happen. Getting involved with one of these women may haunt you for the rest of your life. Avoid these women like the plague. Just so you’ll know what we are talking about, here is a partial list of women to avoid:

  •Dishonest, deceitful

  •Drama Queen (DQ), moody, insecure, jealous, self-righteous

  •Angry, rageful, resentful, passive-aggressive, vindictive

  •Abusive (physical or emotional)

  •Victim and/or man-hater

  •Bi-polar, obsessive, or chronically depressed

  •Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

  •Psycho bitch from hell (PBFH)

  •Unrecovered sexual abuse survivor

  •Critical, demeaning, argumentative

  •Sex addict, history of infidelity

  •Alcoholic, drug addict, spending addict

  •Eating disorder (obesity, bulimia, anorexia)

  •Controlling, demanding, manipulative

  You will recognize the average, run-of-the-mill WW quickly. Unfortunately, when BDs and NGs hook up with a RWW, they usually stay involved way too long. There are two reasons for this.

  The first is that really wrong women are often very seductive. They use their sexuality, their anger, their helplessness, their neediness, their humor and their intelligence to seduce.

  The second reason a RWW can be so problematic is that her dysfunction fits so well with your own. I call this “Dysfunction X 2.”

  You will be attracted to the worst kind of woman for you because she gives you the opportunity to play out your own dysfunction. If you have no boundaries, are acting out a need to rescue an unhappy woman (mother), or it feels normal to be criticized, treated badly, or abandoned, a RWW will initially look really attractive to you – and she will eat you alive!

  This is why the 5/5 is so important. Not only will it help you identify your RGW, it will also help you quickly spot a RWW. Without your 5/5 to guide you, a RWW might actually look like your RGW. She may seemingly possess some of the traits you are looking for. Unfortunately, these traits are typically not present the majority of the time and are often overshadowed by some really undesirable tendencies.

  At the first hint of rage, jealousy, control, bitterness toward past partners, moodiness, argumentativeness – RUN! Don’t look back!

  How the Pyramid Works

  The traditional dating process typically involves people putting their best foot forward in an attempt to be accepted by the person to whom they are attracted. Most people aren’t their true selves. This doesn’t necessarily mean that people are phony when they start dating, but pretty close to it. Both the man and the woman typically put a lot of energy into looking good, acting good, being attentive, being affectionate, and being sexual. Most folks try and demonstrate what a great catch they are.

  This is why typical dating won’t help you find a RGW. Everyone puts on their game face and tries their best to win the approval of the other. It isn’t until somewhere down the line that both people start discovering who the other REALLY is. By then, they are so enmeshed and dependent on each other (and probably having sex regularly) that making corrections can be problematic.

  In order to find a really great woman, you have to go as slowly as possible to find out as quickly as possible what her nature is.

  In addition, you have to know what you are looking for. The goal of pyramid dating is to discover a woman’s nature as quickly as possible. By going slow you can get a clearer picture of her nature. At the same time you will be consulting your 5/5 to see how she measures up.

  Red & Yellow Flags

  You will be watching for red and yellow flags. Red flags are based on your 5/5. If, for example, a deal killer on your “won’t tolerate” list is “addictions,” and a woman you are dating seems to drink a little too much every time you are with her, that’s a “red flag.”

  When you see a potential red flag, pay attention to it. This is one of the biggest mistakes BDs make – ignoring red flags, minimizing them, or thinking that they will change. If your primary goal of dating is to determine a woman’s nature, these red flags are one of the most important details to which you need to pay attention. Don’t rationalize away behaviors that don’t fit your list. Finding your RGW requires that you be honest with yourself.

  Yellow flags are little things that might not be on your 5/5, but which catch your attention as you get to know a woman. These are things you’ll make a mental note of and keep an eye on to see if they are an indicator of a bigger problem. Examples might be a woman’s tendency to run late, to not balance her check book, to be a little rigid, to be a little too involved with her kids, or to have a tendency to keep old boyfriends hanging around as “friends.”

  As you observe a woman’s nature, pay more attention to what she does than what she says. Her behavior defines her. This means that early in the dating cycle, you will be constantly testing and observing what a woman does. Test for the items that are on your 5/5. Test for honesty, passion, flexibility, sense of humor, and sense of adventure.

  A Numbers Game

  The philosophy of the Relationship Pyramid is that finding your RGW is a numbers game. You have to meet and test a lot of women to find a RGW. The Pyramid helps you do this effectively.

  A lot of men tell me that their biggest fear of dating is that they will get involved with the wrong kind of woman. I tell them tha
t there is no way to avoid this. In order to find a princess, you have to kiss a lot of frogettes (or something like that). The dating pyramid allows you to meet a lot of good women and wrong women without getting caught up in an ongoing dysfunctional relationship. Out of this throng of women, a RGW can rise to the top.

  Finding Your Really Great Woman

  Women who have the potential to be your RGW make up only a small fraction of the total number of women out there. They are few and far between. That is why it is essential that you know what you are looking for so that you can walk through the open door when it presents itself.

  The information presented in this book is geared to help you create a full and interesting life and to help you hone the skills you need to find a RGW. Review the information frequently. Evaluate yourself. Challenge yourself. Get out of the house, expand your route, talk to people everywhere you go, test, set the tone, let go of attachment to outcome.

  After you meet a woman, go as slowly as possible to find out as quickly as possible what her nature is. Follow the rules. Keep checking your 5/5. Practice being a good ender. You have the roadmap and directions; the rest is up to you.

  Chapter 19: Practice the Most Important Dating Skill of All – Be a Good Ender

  Being a good ender covers a multitude of dating sins.

  When I got out of my second marriage in 2002, I faced a sober reality. I had been married to two women for a combined 25 years. Unfortunately, I shouldn’t have dated either woman more than three dates. Both women had good traits, but neither were close to being my Really Great Woman.

  So when I became single in my 40s I concluded that I needed to develop some new dating skills. But more than this, if I wanted to find a RGW, I had to become a better picker AND a better ender.

  Here is an unavoidable reality – dating is a numbers game. You are going to meet some good women. You are going to meet a lot of wrong women. You are going to meet a few really wrong women. Since your goal is to only stay in a long-term relationship with a person who has the potential to be a Really Great Woman for you, you have to learn how to recognize the women who aren’t potential RGWs and break up quickly.