Texas Sweet

by Jean Brashear

  Caught by the painful, blurry memory, Blue stumbled and nearly spilled a bucket.

  “Are you okay? You don’t have to carry two at a time. I know they’re heavy.”

  “I’m fine, just clumsy.” Blue kept her gaze averted, so Brenda wouldn’t see her devastation. God grant me the serenity…

  So many things she couldn’t change. So much she wished she could.

  “You really don’t have to stay,” Brenda said. “I’m perfectly capable.”

  Blue didn’t respond until she was sure her face revealed nothing of her inner turmoil. She placed the two buckets in the cooler, then returned. “You’re doing me a favor, actually. Arnie’s house is nice, but it’s kind of…lonely.” She thought she’d gotten used to loneliness, even preferred it, but somehow being outside the charmed circle of Sweetgrass only looking in was harder than when she’d isolated herself intentionally.

  And wanting time with her daughter made it worse. There was nothing she wouldn’t do to keep these precious moments going, even if they weren’t talking.

  “I’m sorry.” Brenda looked up, a fistful of flowers in hand. “You could have come over to Ruby’s and watched TV or something. I should have realized you’re in a strange town alone. I remember that feeling.”

  Hungry for more, Blue pressed. “Did you feel that way? How long have you been here?”

  “Just over a year, and yes. But most of it was my own fault. I was too shy, and I’d been alone too long. I’d forgotten how to mingle.” She smiled, and Blue fought not to show the crushing sorrow she felt, knowing her child had felt so alone and abandoned.

  Knowing that it was her fault.

  But before she could respond, Brenda continued. “Sweetgrass won’t let you be lonely, though. And there’s always something going on.” She halted, looked over. “You should come Sunday afternoon. We’re giving Henry a surprise birthday party at Scarlett’s.”

  “Oh, I couldn’t—” But she’d heard a whisper or two and knew that Henry wasn’t the only one due to be surprised. She’d sell her soul to be there. How many birthdays with her daughter had she missed?

  “Sure you could. Pete the dishwasher will be there, and Jeanette. Everybody from the cafe as well as all of the Gallaghers. Actually,” she smiled softly. Fondly. “I wouldn’t bet against other townsfolk coming, too. This whole place is like one big family.”

  Blue watched the glow in her child’s face and wished to heaven she were the one putting it there. That she’d never been the one to make her feel lonely or sad. “Brenda…” I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, she wanted to say. I’m your mother, Dilly. I love you—

  All words she had no right to say.

  “Yes?”

  Blue cleared her throat. “That’s a really nice offer, but I don’t know if I’d be welcome. I don’t want to barge in.”

  “You’re wrong about that. You would be, absolutely. Anyway, I’m the one who got it started, and I’d like you to come.”

  “You would?” Even under false pretenses, hearing that felt so very good.

  “I would. We’re starting around three. It’s very casual.”

  “What kind of present would he like?”

  “Oh, you don’t need to do that. Henry wouldn’t expect it.”

  “What would you want, if it were you? You’d like to have presents, wouldn’t you?”

  “Oh, I—” Brenda’s cheeks reddened. “I…” She shrugged. “I, um….I haven’t had a birthday party since I was little, so I wouldn’t really know.”

  Blue had to turn away as grief nearly felled her. Before she begged forgiveness, spilled out all the reasons she hated herself that her child could make such a statement.

  In that moment she wanted a drink so badly she could barely breathe.

  And more than that, she wanted to crawl in some dark hole. Some place the worst kind of mother deserved to be thrust.

  “Brenda—”

  “Yes?”

  “I…” They didn’t know each other. Brenda had no reason to trust her. What if—

  Voices sounded outside, male voices. Then the door opened, and any chance she had was lost.

  “Dude, seriously, you don’t think this is overkill?” Mackey asked. “You’re outfitting an entire RV like a combination delivery room and NICU?”

  Jackson’s jaw clenched. “Vee has her heart set on giving birth here in Sweetgrass, preferably at home.” He understood what it meant to her, that after the years they’d lost, including him never knowing about the child they’d made years ago, she wanted to make this experience one where they both felt surrounded by home and love.

  What she couldn’t seem to understand—and he was trying not to mar this time with—was his visceral fear of losing her or one of the babies by not being safely ensconced in the most high-tech hospital available.

  “This is the only way I can manage giving her what she wants,” he tried to explain.

  “But you’ve already paid to outfit the clinic to take care of any emergencies.”

  “It could take time to get her to the clinic from here.”

  “What? Ten minutes??”

  Jackson glared at his childhood friend. “I’m doing the best I can. Vee wants this, and I’ll make it happen, but—” He had to clear his throat. “Twins, Mackey, almost certain to be premature.”

  “She’s given birth to twins before, Wiz. And they were fine.”

  “In a hospital. Where she damn well should be this time.” He reached for the door of the packing shed. “I don’t want to discuss it in front of Brenda. I shouldn’t be discussing it with you.”

  Mackey sighed. “Look, I get it. I died about a hundred times while Rissa was giving birth. She was in pain, and I had no power to make it go away. We didn’t have premie issues to contend with, either. It’s just—”

  Jackson nodded at Brenda, then turned back. “Just what?”

  “You’re actually flying in Bridger’s sister Molly, too?”

  “I have a jet ready to get her at a moment’s notice. She’s an OB/GYN specializing in high-risk deliveries.”

  “Bridger will already be here, plus Dr. Jake.”

  “Look, you don’t have to agree with me. I’m doing it. And anything else I can think of.” He turned back to Brenda, then noticed that the new waitress was with her. “Ladies, how come you’re working so late?”

  Brenda shrugged. “We got a new account, and I wanted to make sure we got them their flowers on schedule.”

  “Didn’t you already work a whole day at Ruby’s?”

  Brenda nodded. “But—”

  He glanced at Blue. “You, too? But you’re still here helping Brenda?”

  “I didn’t ask her to,” Brenda insisted.

  He realized that the older woman had moved toward Brenda in a protective stance. That was odd.

  “This isn’t right, Brenda. I’m hiring you some help first thing tomorrow. Veronica wouldn’t want you putting in this kind of extra time.”

  “Then don’t tell her.”

  The saucy tone was one he’d never heard from the normally shy girl who was always flustered by his presence.

  Behind him, Mackey chuckled. “Don’t mind him, Brenda. Papa Bear is a little grouchier every day as Veronica’s time draws near. Hello, Blue.”

  The older woman smiled and nodded at Mackey, then returned her fierce gaze to Jackson.

  What was that about? “Seriously, though. How long can you keep up this pace, Brenda?”

  “As long as I have to. I’m not going to let Veronica down. She believed in me and gave me a chance. I want it to work.”

  “But we don’t want you working yourself to a nub.” Just then his phone buzzed with an incoming text. He glanced down to see it was from Veronica. “Gotta go. Vee needs help.”

  He was out the door before anyone could respond.

  Brenda was surprised to see Mackey grin. “Aren’t you worried?”

  The former SEAL and Hollywood stuntman shook his head and chuckled. “My man i
s a little over the top. Veronica only wanted some help getting out of bed. Everything is a four-alarm fire these days when it comes to her. I don’t think Veronica is having half so hard a time, and she’s the pregnant one.”

  “I think it’s sweet,” she replied. “And as I recall, you were a little nervous yourself when Rissa was getting close.”

  “Got me there. Don’t know if I’d have outfitted an entire RV as a portable labor and delivery suite, though, even if I had half the money on the planet like Wiz does.”

  Beside her Blue spoke up. “Really? He’s doing that?”

  “Oh, yeah. Plus has a plane waiting to grab Bridger’s OB/GYN sister to fly her down from Chicago at a moment’s notice. I’m just surprised he doesn’t pay her hospital a bonus to make her come down now and wait.” Mackey shook his head. “But I get it, much as I give him grief. When you have a woman who is everything to you, risking having her hurt, much less be in any sort of danger, makes you a little bit crazy. When Rissa was unconscious after that bastard beat her, I nearly lost my mind.”

  He turned to go, then hesitated. “You two all right out here? Need me to pitch in?”

  “We’re nearly done, Mackey. If you can convince Jackson not to, I really don’t need the help right now. This isn’t the busiest time of year.”

  Mackey flashed his ladykiller grin and winked one green eye. “I’ll try, but right now, the Wiz isn’t doing a lot of listening. I don’t want to wish those babies here one day faster than need be, but for my buddy’s sake…the day can’t come too soon.” He paused. “I’m taking off to go see my own lady now—” A secret smile flirted over his lips. “That is, if you’re sure you don’t need my help…?”

  “We’re good. Tell Rissa and Rosie hi for me.”

  “Will do. We survived tonight’s bout with colic, so this is the good part, the rocking and feeding and telling her stories.”

  “Have you tried a hot water bottle on the tummy?” Blue asked.

  Brenda glanced at her in surprise. She had no idea Blue had children. She knew almost nothing about her.

  “We’ve tried everything, I swear,” Mackey sighed. “But thanks. I’ll listen to anything, however far-fetched.”

  Blue smiled. “Tincture of time. It’s the cure.”

  Tincture of time… Long ago, Brenda had heard Mère use those same words, she could swear.

  “Or what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?” Mackey grinned and waved goodbye as he left.

  “They’re amazing,” Blue said beside her, once he was gone. “Those are lucky women.”

  Brenda sighed. “They are. But it goes both ways. There are lots of stories like that here in Sweetgrass. You ever have a man you really loved? Who loved you that way?”

  Sorrow flitted over Blue’s features. “Never. You?”

  “Oh, no, I—” She shook her head. “Maybe someday, I hope, but not—”

  Blue’s head tilted. “Seriously? You aren’t paying attention, then.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Henry would buy you the moon, you know. Or pluck the stars from the sky for you.”

  Brenda blushed. “Oh, no, he—no. It’s not like that. Anyway, he’ll never make a move. He’s always telling me I’m too young, but he’s wrong. I may not have as many years on me, but the years I have—” Why was she telling a stranger any of this? “Never mind.”

  Blue’s expression was stark. “Life hasn’t been easy on you, has it?” She stood so stiff and miserable. Brenda couldn’t understand why.

  She shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. It’s over. I’m here now, and I’m finding my place. These people, they…matter. They care about me, almost like a family.”

  “You didn’t have anyone before?” Blue’s voice was a harsh whisper.

  “No, but I do now.”

  “You never had anyone to love you?”

  Brenda didn’t understand the dark pain she saw in Blue’s eyes. “I did, once. Sort of.”

  Blue waited but didn’t move. “I guess I had two, really. Miz Mabel watched over me when my mother couldn’t…” Blue was still, so still, almost frozen. Had she lost someone, too?

  “Couldn’t what?” Each syllable seemed dragged from Blue’s throat.

  “She loved me, I know she did. And she was so much fun when she was happy, but—”

  “She wasn’t often happy?”

  Talking about it still made her chest ache. “It doesn’t matter. She left me, and I never knew where she went.”

  “That wouldn’t make her stop loving you,” Blue said in a strained whisper, as she gripped Brenda’s arm. “Maybe she had no choice. Maybe something bad happened to her that she didn’t have any control over.”

  “Like she’s dead?” Brenda’s eyes filled. “I hope she is.”

  “What?” Blue staggered back a step. “Why?”

  “Because that would mean she didn’t really want to leave me.” Brenda looked down, blinking hard against the tears that wouldn’t be stopped.

  “Oh, Dilly…” With a soft whisper, Blue gathered her in.

  Brenda drew back in shock. “What did you say?”

  Blue’s eyes were stricken. “I called you silly, but I shouldn’t have,” she scrambled to explain, stepping away. “I just meant that a mother who loved her child would never stop, and how could anyone not love you? You’re the sweetest person I ever met.”

  “You don’t really know me. And you can’t say she loved me. If she loved me, she wouldn’t have—” Brenda pressed her lips together. “Never mind. I need to get finished.”

  Blue opened her mouth as if to argue, but then she spun away and busied herself with the last few bouquets.

  “I’m sorry,” Brenda said at last. “I never talk about her. I don’t want to. It doesn’t do any good. I’ll never know what happened, and I have to live with that. Move on. Make my own life. I’m not a girl anymore.” She laughed mirthlessly. “If I ever was.”

  “Don’t be sorry,” came the response at last. “And don’t ever apologize for who you are. Your mother would be so very proud of you. It’s absolutely her loss.” Blue’s voice broke on the last word, and Brenda wondered what kind of sorrow lay in her own background.

  But she wouldn’t ask, not now, at least. She was tired and wrung out, and she wanted to flee the memories. Return to the life she’d been living only an hour or so ago.

  The life she was building, not the one that haunted her. That made no sense and never would.

  “Thank you for helping me tonight.”

  “Oh, sweetie…” So much sadness in those few syllables, as though Blue understood the ache that never left her. “Thank you for letting me.”

  Blue’s eyes glistened as she smiled. But sorrow hunched her shoulders, and Brenda couldn’t help but wonder what weight it was that this woman carried. She didn’t ask anyone to help her, though, and Brenda admired that.

  She would try to spend more time with Blue, so Blue wouldn’t feel as lonely as Brenda had.

  Henry’s room was high enough up that he saw things other couldn’t, especially what was happening on the Square.

  Which is how he noticed, when he glanced outside for the fortieth time since Brenda left with Blue, that she had climbed to the bell tower. It was her go-to place when she was troubled, though he didn’t think she realized he knew that about her.

  She’d seemed okay when she left the cafe to work at the flower farm, so what had happened?

  He needed to take her a flashlight at the very least. The moon was only a sliver, and she could get hurt coming home—or that was his excuse, since she would refuse any offer of help, as she always did. It was one of the things he admired most about her, that for all her fragile appearance, she was strong in her heart, and courageous, even more so than he’d realized, now that she’d shared some of her history.

  He entered the door on the back that led to the staircase going up, a twisting set of wooden steps with little light to show the way.

  When he reac
hed the top, he saw she’d left the door open. It wasn’t safe, and he opened his mouth to tell her so—

  But then he got a look at her face.

  At the silvery trail of tears on her cheeks.

  “What did she do to you?” he demanded.

  Brenda whirled around with a gasp. “You scared me.”

  But he was intent on his quest. “Did Blue do something? What did she say?”

  “Nothing.” She shook her head and turned away. “It’s not—she’s not at fault. I just—” She looked out again at the night, her slender shoulders rounded.

  “What is it? Can I help?”

  She looked back at him, a faint smile on her features. “You’re always looking out for me.”

  Because I love you. Even though I shouldn’t. “Tell me what’s wrong. Please.” His fingers flexed as he itched to go to her, to hold her, to soothe away whatever had hurt her.

  “It’s silly. Jackson and Mackey came in tonight, and they’re both such good fathers and so in love with their wives. So crazy about their babies and protective of those they love. Did you know Jackson is equipping an RV to serve as a mobile labor and delivery suite, complete with everything you need for a NICU for his twins?”

  Henry smiled. “I’m not surprised. It’s funny—he’s such a giant in the business world, but his family lays him low with love.”

  She smiled sadly. “It’s the most beautiful thing.”

  “Is it about parents and children? Because your mother left? Is that’s what’s bothering you?”

  “No. Yes—I guess. I just watch all these happy families, and I wonder why…”

  He saw a tear drop from her chin, and he ached for her. “Why you couldn’t have that, too.” He approached her. “You deserve that, Brenda. More than anyone I know.”

  She turned tearstained cheeks to him, devastation in her gaze. “Blue said maybe she didn’t have any choice.” She looked up at him, and he thought he could drown in those eyes. “About leaving me, I mean. But that would mean that she’s…” She swallowed and brushed at her cheeks. “She must be dead, then. Because what mother wouldn’t come back if she could?”

  “Maybe she’s trying. Maybe she’s looking for you.”