Neverstone: A LitRPG Adventure (The Mad Elf Book 1)

by Ned Caratacus

  [Greencoat #39 — Fake Out Shot]

  I swear my heart stopped for a second. I could see the Medusa Gun beam and everything, but I was still alive. I'm still a little deaf in that ear. I was gonna ask the Greencoat and his goons why they did it. From how much they were laughing, I already had my answer.

  The next few hours are still kinda blurry. Lots of boots and broken bones. The next time I opened my eyes, I was face down in the grave with Jordy's arm still on top of me. I looked up and there was a bright yellow dandelion staring back at me in the dirt.

  Love you too, Gregor Koschei.

  Total silence around me as I got up. It was early evening. All the Celsioran death squads had gone home to their trophy wives and trust fund kids. The sky was bright white with all the snow, but it was fluffy and gentle. Clear out all the death and debris and it could have been a Crissmus card.

  I could stand, and I could walk. I mumbled an old orthodox prayer from my childhood, just to thank Galgalim for letting me live.

  “Does it sound fair to you, Era?”

  Jordy stood over the open grave, behind me.

  “Jordy!” I said, turning around in the grave. “Thank Gods you're okay.”

  But he wasn't okay. His right arm was now a shriveled, cauterized stump. A Celsioran shock trooper was dead at his feet, with Jordy's scimitar in his back. Jordy had stolen his Medusa Gun.

  And he was pointing it at me with his remaining hand.

  “Does it sound fair to you?” he repeated. “I dedicate my livelihood to the blade, giving away everything in the name of victory. You spend your whole time at Mt. Colibri feeling sorry for yourself, bitching about your sister, apologizing for holding your teammates back, and trying to stay a kid all your life. And despite all that, you're the one who gets to leave here with all four of your limbs, and with a life full of promise and sympathy ahead of you. See the disconnect?”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked.

  “Nothing,” he said. “I'm done talking.”

  [Coach Jordy — Medusa Gun]

  “And that's how I lost my leg.”

  Dead silence, as Era shuddered, grinned, and drew in a long sigh, thrilled that the story was over.

  “How did you get out alive?” asked Noah.

  “Dad put up his life savings as the prize for my return—safe, or at least conscious. Apparently, he survived the Light by hiding in a fridge. Because of course he would. Jordy dragged me back to the survivors' camp near the foot of Mt. Colibri, told my dad that he found me being tortured by a Greencoat, collected the bounty, and hightailed it out of Rosencrace.”

  Liv's eye fires burned reddish black. “So,” she said, “When do I get to murder Jordy?”

  “You’d have to find him, first. Dad believed him the whole time I was in a year long coma from the Necrylic poisoning. By the time I woke up to tell him the truth, he was long gone. Probably fled the country.”

  “Would you miss him if I ate him?” asked Branwen.

  “Now, I'm no cannibal,” said Era, “but if you do find him, save me some leftovers.”

  “And well...” Noah hesitated, wringing at the hem of his robe. “What happened to, y'know, Gena?”

  Era sighed. “She survived, somehow, but that’s all I know. Dad says they made contact over the phone after the fall—she's in hiding, and nowhere near Rosencrace. Apparently, she's on the run from the law for stabbing a Greencoat through the heart.”

  “Vog yeah!” said Liv.

  “That's my Gena for ya.” Era sighed. “After that, we were out of money, and there was nothing left for us in Rosencrace, so we left. Dad went to join some street pirates, and I got on the next train and never looked back—not until I found my sister. So, yeah. Thanks for hearing me out, guys. I just wish Ofelia could've been here, too.”

  As if on cue, Liv’s phone vibrated with a text message from “O’Feels 4 Reals,” a nickname that would have earned Liv the death penalty in a more peaceful time.

  Chapter 20

  Pet the Pretty Pony

  [message 9/6/5211 at 5:30 PM]

  helo

  Feely! Where you at?

  is dis a fren of our princss

  the vawgs a feely

  Do you have my friend's phone?

  oh uh yr the princessess frend

  helo

  me nam is obrun

  Great, don't care.

  My name's Liv and I've killed for less.

  Give my friend her phone back or there's a nonzero chance I'll bite your eyes out.

  i mean i dont got eyes but awright

  shes right here

  see the fing is

  [upload: photo_49514.jpg]

  that is a dark, blurry rectangle.

  vawg

  one momnt

  don't hurt yourself, dumbass.

  sory my fingas is too big an im blind

  tryna see messajs with ears

  can hear the lettrs

  but not allways

  magik stuff, hard t esplain

  [upload: photo_49515.jpg]

  see dis?

  No, no I do not.

  Now, give Ofelia her phone.

  yknow what

  prolly a good idea she can do it better n me

  one sec

  Okay, Livvy, this is Ofelia.

  It would seem I've been kidnapped.

  Oh my Gods

  Is it GU??

  Unfortunately, no. They'd smell better.

  I can guarantee that no one in the GU showers but ok

  This is the picture Obrun was trying to send you.

  [upload: goblinselfie.jpg]

  As you can see, this “Obrun” fellow is a goblin.

  And actually very polite in person! I was surprised.

  Obrun and his fellow goblins would like you to bring the Bells of Miracles to their lair. Otherwise, they'll eat me.

  Vog that. I'm stormin their hideout and killin every last one

  Where are you?

  That, I can't say. I spent the trip here in a bag.

  I'm in a dark stone chamber, surrounded by rocks, moss, mold. A large sarcophagus is next to me. Some kind of ancient tomb.

  I'll send you my location on the GPS.

  [you have 1 new notification in Koschei Maps!]

  I have to go now. Good luck.

  ok dis obrun

  yu have until seven days frum now

  den we eeter

  Your funeral.

  We're on our way. Make peace with your goblin gods.

  If I see so much as a scratch on Feely, I'm gonna funnel vinegar down your windpipe, pickle your lungs, and feed em to your mom.

  Are we square?

  ANSWER ME

  [√ read]

  Just east of the Imperial City, and just west of Dunngate, lay a wide alkali flat of white salt. Being that the soil composition has a significant amount of highly toxic arsenic and traces of highly-er toxic cyanide, please ignore the scientific method for a change and trust me when I say it tastes very salty.

  Going farther south, the salt flat becomes less and less flat, giving way to jagged pillars and hoodoos of rock salt—a place called Lottie's Canyon.

  According to Liv's GPS, Ofelia was being held somewhere in the southeastern edge of Lottie's Canyon.

  The Doomwagon sat at the end of an unfinished highway through the salt flat, as close to the edge of the asphalt as they could get.

  Era, having shed his sweater for a black tank top in the heat —Gods, I look like a hair metal vocalist —stepped off the bus, and—

  Oh.

  A wave of spiritual silence came over Era. He stared at the rocks of Lottie's Canyon—no wind, no wildlife. No clouds. The blue sky melted over white spikes in the distance.

  Like, it's not doing anything to me, not yet, but I feel like I'm face-to-face with the geological equivalent of a dead god. It shouldn't be here. This is wrong.

  His lips crawled into an evil grin.

  I should come here more often
.

  Unfortunately, by the time he broke out of this daydream, the other heroes were already 500 feet down the road and staring at him in confusion.

  They trudged down a winding pathway into the forest of salt pillars. Liv groaned as she tried to find reception for her phone to continue the search. No luck.

  “How was Feely able to get a signal out here, anyway?” asked Liv.

  “Royalty,” said Era. “She probably works with some top secret military wireless frequency that's good for hard to reach places.”

  “Then as soon as we find her, I'm pirating the crap outta that.”

  Branwen scoffed. “Excuse you, blowtorch?”

  “Oh my Gods, you're not the only one allowed to do pirate stuff.”

  “People are allowed to?” asked Noah, questioning the law for the first time in his life.

  Era suddenly jutted an arm out to the side, stopping the party. A worn wooden sign bore the insignia of the Celsioran army, as well as the remnants of “RESTRICTED AREA” in chipped yellow paint.

  Behind the sign, a field of level salt extended to the highest parts of the canyon. A few charred piles of ash on the ground, charred pieces of metal, and the scattered remains of an unlucky coyote pointed to one conclusion.

  “Minefield,” said Era.

  Noah tilted his head. “Your field?”

  “It can't be a minefield,” said Liv. “You'd have to have a war for that, and who in their right mind would fight over this voghole?”

  “Then it's to guard something. Probably a secret Koschei lab around here.”

  Liv folded her arms. “You mean to tell me a goblin camp is in the middle of a restricted Celsioran compound?”

  “Maybe?” Era sighed, already too tired for this. “In any case: one, this is a minefield. Two, if that blown apart coyote is any indication, it's still active. Three, we need to get past it to find Ofelia. What's our next move?”

  Noah sniffled. “Give the coyote a funeral?”

  Era blinked. “Liv, can you do something to blast a path through the mines?”

  [Liv — Overcharged Flame Skull]

  “Not right now! We're too close.”

  “Fine, geez.”

  [Liv — Never Mind]

  “The main thing here is finding Ofelia. I'll fly over the rocks on the sword to search by air, and I can carry one of you with me. The rest of you, go with Liv and check the ground level. Try and find a path used by the Goblins through here—if this is their hideout, they must know some way through the mines. We meet back at the bus by sundown. Who's the lightest?”

  Branwen raised a hand.

  “And won't try to eat his prosthesis?” asked Liv.

  Branwen lowered it.

  Era felt a clambering of skeletal fingertips upon his left leg—Steve. The monkey had heard and understood Mischa’s stern command to stay at the bus and help with the modifications. Also, he had ignored it.

  “Steve, you are a gentleman and a scholar.” Era turned to Liv and the other two. “Good luck, guys. Alpha Squad, out!”

  [Era — Levitate]

  Grabbing the Schiavona's hilt with both hands, Era shot up into the sky.

  Liv cocked an eyebrow. “'Alpha Squad?' Seriously?”

  Noah's eyes lit up. “We get team names! Livvy, I think we should be the 'Fancy Little —'”

  Branwen sprinted into the minefield. “Vogtrocutioners, chaaaarge!”

  [Mines 4 through 14 — Detonate]

  To Ofelia, in captivity or no, the cold underground tunnels were a welcome distraction from the desert above.

  An ancient crystal lamp flickered on a moss-covered wall. Ofelia, kneeling in a cell behind a rusted iron grate, mumbled a prayer as she lifted the hem of her sweater. She pressed Branwen’s taser against a small, exposed portion of her stomach.

  Then she stopped for a moment. I haven't tried this around the goblins yet. Are they preoccupied? Looking through the grate, she saw that the goblins were doing what they usually did—kneeling and praying around the ancient, sealed sarcophagus in the next chamber. A black two handed sword, covered in ancient Ariesian runes, stuck out for three meters from the top of the stone coffin.

  They stick a goblin sword in a random dead man, then call him a god? Pardon me while I retch.

  Oh, don't be stupid. Your father is a mass murderer—you're in no place to judge anyone. Now, get this over with before they see you!

  She sighed as her trigger finger hovered over the taser's button. “It is through Galgalim's cleansing thunder that his sins are absolved,” she mumbled. “So it has been said in Paradisia, and so shall it be done.”

  Now, hit the button, Ofelia. And for Mother Rosencrace’s sake, don't scream aloud if you can help it.

  [Ofelia — Taser]

  [0 DMG to Ofelia]

  [Ofelia's pain rune was triggered!]

  Sadly, against her better judgment, she did scream. The spark brushed against the place on her stomach she saved for the worst sins, and in an instant, she felt an invisible rain of hot iron nails shooting through her abdomen.

  A goblin —Obrun's lieutenant, apparently his name was Pakh —snarled and threw open the iron doorway. “Human!” he said, snatching her taser. “Death can't save you! You don't die ‘til we say so.”

  Ofelia rolled her eyes. “I wasn't trying to kill myself.”

  Pakh held up the taser. “Weapon.”

  “It's non-lethal. More of a torture device.”

  A confused grunt.

  “Look, do your people practice religious mortification of the flesh?”

  Another confused grunt.

  “Well...” she sighed through her teeth. “Perhaps I can explain. You see, my father was a very bad man. He killed many good people.”

  Pakh grinned. “My kinda guy!”

  “Yes, well, he made the Gods very angry, and he's...in Hell, now.”

  He grinned wider. “Jealous.”

  “Good for you. Anyway, the Gods are still angry. And since I'm his only living relative, when my father died, I inherited all the bad things he did.”

  He titled his head.

  “So, my church told me: if I punish myself, I can save my kingdom from being punished in his stead.”

  Shaking his head, Pakh placed a hand on Ofelia's shoulder. “Humans. Too smart! Always be making the things complicated. Here's what you do: be stupid, eat people, take their stuff! Then, you are happy.”

  Ofelia couldn't help but crack a smile. “I mean, that does sound tempting.”

  Faintly, from the surface they heard noises. Boom. Boom. Boom. Explosions from the mines above heralded the coming of Ofelia's rescue party. She shuddered at the possibility of her friends being blown to pieces for the sake of just another sinner from House Niccolo.

  A shriek rang out from the other side of the casket chamber. “Golatà! Golatà kaem!” screamed a goblin, before falling down and succumbing to his wounds. A gash in his backside spattered purple blood on the marble floor, along with fresh traces of cotton candy and glitter.

  Obrun jumped to his feet and ran for Ofelia's cell. “Pakh!” he said to his lieutenant, pointing to Ofelia. “Pre nelvàri ga?”

  “Ba nelfraùsa,” said Pakh.

  Ofelia scoffed. She didn't get a lick of it, but some things were just offensive in any language.

  The taller goblin sighed, turning to his captive. “Your Majesty, you wouldn't happen to be a virgin, would ya?”

  [Ofelia — Royal Backhand]

  Pakh drew his dagger at the slap. “Volè da!” barked Obrun, and he sheathed it again.

  Obrun continued: “Begging your pardon, but this is a matter of our safety.”

  She glared. “Is it, now? And just what do you intend to do with me?”

  “Not us,” said Obrun.

  “We flattered, but you too short for goblin sex,” said Pakh.

  [Obrun — Punch]

  Pakh snickered as he clutched his face.

  The taller goblin sighed. “Let me put it this way
: if you are a virgin, the golatà has awakened from your cry of pain, and both of us are going to wish it hadn’t.”

  Since Pakh had reached his daily quota, it was Ofelia's turn to make a confused grunt.

  The sound of serene harp music echoed through the halls of the tomb. Obrun, panicking, kicked open the door of Ofelia's cell. “Too late!” he said. “Deal's off, Your Majesty. You're free to go, just run!”

  The denim of Era's jeans buckled in Steve’s grasp. If nothing else, the cool breeze would be nice as they inevitably fell to their deaths.

  “See anything?” asked Era.

  Steve’s teeth chattered.

  “Y'know, Steve, it's okay if you're afraid of heights. We're past the minefield now, and we can head to—”

  [Steve — Lose Grip]

  Era felt the fall too late, and dove down toward a salt cliff, emotionally preparing himself to face the Dead and Broken Pile Formerly Known as Steve.

  After a good half minute of panicked fumbling into the canyon below, Era landed in a tinkling creek of water—the remnants of the River Galga to the Northwest.

  [Desert Catfish — Devour]

  [Steve was eaten!]

  Era pried himself from the cold, salty water. That was too close. I don't wanna die here, in a ditch and salty. Then people could say I died as I lived. Now, where's Steve?

  From the shoreline came the desperate sounds of a desert catfish flapping about. It was a dull and grayish blue creature, but a hefty meter in length. The last place a fish wanted to be was dry land, but a horrifying parasitic force had assumed control of the poor creature from within.