Neverstone: A LitRPG Adventure (The Mad Elf Book 1)

by Ned Caratacus

  Era said: “Voice Highmost, do you take constructive criticism?”

  Her naked Necrylified flesh twisted into the crude shape of a right arm. Jordy's new arm. Done talking, Era. Jordy sat down. New arm was even better. Could sing. Could dance. Could play a pipe organ. The pipes are made of Medusa Guns. Plays the entire Godsdamn Little Fugue in G Minor to the screeching of the gunpipes as Raphael laughs. Glory to House Koschei.

  Era shouted, “Do you know how many duels I’ve been in?!”

  Raphael is a thousand feet tall and digging into Era's chest, cracking it open. This is justice. And Liv cries. And Noah cries. For they have both killed each other and they're still bleeding from their wounds and they hate you forever and ever. She would never love you. Who would ever love you? Dying alone and unloved is more merciful than you deserve. And Ofelia impales herself with your schiavona over and over while her father applauds. And Branwen tears out her own eyes to get some vogging sleep tonight. And Mischa's arm burning in the crystal furnace and—

  Era screamed, “Enough to know when someone’s holding back!”

  …

  And God ran out of ways to scare him.

  Era was surrounded by darkness once more. The cursor flickered, weakly.

  “So, why are you holding back?” asked Era.

  “I didn’t want to actually hurt you,” typed the Voice.

  Era sighed. “You’re already going to do that through inaction. If you think you’re out of options, you aren’t looking hard enough. Now, I made good on my end of the bargain, so save my friends, or at least help me do it myself. What’s the third path on your end?”

  The text disappeared. Even the cursor stopped blinking for a few seconds.

  “I'm sorry, Era,” said the Voice. “I'm acting just like my mother.”

  Era kneaded his forehead. “Sweet mother of God...” he said.

  “Quite the opposite, actually. If I ever treat you like that again, please become an atheist in retaliation—like me.”

  “You're telling me God's an atheist?”

  “Of course I am! I haven't believed in myself in years. Titania…”

  “What about her?” said Era.

  “Third path. Go to Titania. There's still time. You can still join the battle if you hurry.”

  Something resembling hope began to fill his chest. “And if I join, will I save them?”

  “I haven't examined that timeline yet. Go, before I do.”

  “What do I tell her?”

  More silence. The cursor disappeared again, and Era fully expected to wake up this time.

  “You tell her this...”

  [After the halftime show, the Great Throne Hall remains largely the same—save for the leather massage chair that has been crudely placed on the rubble of the Cinnabar throne.]

  Legate Todd: And we're back from the Ichor Zero Halftime Show. Let's give another warm round of applause for our performers tonight, the Cacodemons of Cape Dartley themselves, Łöbøtömÿ Ŵård! And once again, the management apologizes for not being able to actually book Łöbøtömÿ Ŵård on such short noti—

  Monty: The management apologizes for NOTHING!

  Legate Thoric: Fair enough, and the recordings were high-quality, too. Who is to be your next opponent, My Lord?

  Monty: Let's see...we'd be down to half, if that cripple weren't crying himself to sleep in his pyramid. That leaves Omega Male and Daddy Issues, and—

  [Liv climbs up to the ring.]

  Monty: Aww, you wanna fight me that badly, Daddy Issues?

  [Liv mumbles. Apparently, she's in some sort of psychic communication with Gods-knew-who.]

  Liv: It’s been a while. I need a favor.

  Monty: And I'm being ignored.

  Liv: I was young, of course I lashed out. But now I'm older, and I believe I can control it.

  Monty: Hey. Hey, Daddy Issues. D-I. Di. Can I call you Di? Can I make you die?

  Liv: I am scared. Doesn't mean I don't think it's the right thing to do. How can I accept the Riastrad correctly?

  Monty: Girl that gave the entire seventh grade softball team mono, says what?

  Liv: Hang on a sec, I'm in the middle of—oh? Yeah, all right. [to Monty] Kuhallen says you're a twatmuffin! [back to Weird Psychic Skype] Oh my Gods, he's so pissed, I love it. Now, what do I have to say?

  [Lord Monty — Charge Weapon]

  [Lupus was primed for Neverstone Attack!]

  Monty: STOP. IGNORING. ME.

  Liv: “I am the torch, and the torch is me.”

  [Liv — Riastrad]

  [Liv's eye fires turn reddish-purple, bleeding out from her eye sockets to cover her whole body in a blanket of flame.]

  [Lord Monty — Magnus Malus Lupus]

  [A golden wolf's head appears on the edge of Lupus, which proceeds to vomit a stream of superheated Neverstone energy onto Liv, completely enveloping her with—

  [Skip ad in 15s]

  [INT CITY PARK — DAY: Beautiful sunny day. Two young joggers, both male, 20's, and with gorgeously trimmed five o'clock shadows that still manage to look unintentional, make their way down the jogging trail.]

  Jogger 1: You know, I heard that the chemicals in Ichor Zero can hurt you.

  Jogger 2: How?

  Jogger 1: Like, if you drink it and you're even a little allergic to cats, it can kill you instantly.

  Jogger 2: You know what else can kill you instantly?

  Jogger 1: What?

  [Jogger 2 pulls out a gun and murders Jogger 1. In the background, a beat cop smiles and gives a thumbs up.]

  Narrator: Ichor Zero—“Drink as you're told.”™

  To take her mind off the fight, Titania had walled herself up in one of the pyramid's lowermost sections—the chapel under the roots of the Apocalypse Tree, dedicated to the emptiness of the world to come after the end.

  Not that she was that pessimistic about the fight, of course, but it was a sufficiently dreary atmosphere for Titania to engage in one of her favorite hobbies, an old stress-reliever from her days as a Dark Lord: menacingly playing a pipe organ while brooding about death.

  But scarcely before she reached the keyboard—

  “Titania!”

  It was Era, his voice just as sickly and weak as it had been in the High Priest's chamber. He limped down the stairway into the underground chapel, using his Schiavona in its scabbard as a makeshift cane.

  Mischa power-walked behind. “Era, for the Gods' sake, I'm begging you. If you don't get back to bed, right now, you will die! Can you hear me?”

  “Titania!” said Era. “I need to speak with you, right now—”

  [Era — Trip]

  In this state, one point of damage would have killed him, so Era let go of his sword and face planted like a peaceful civilian.

  Titania rushed over to Era, holding him by the shoulders. “I'm here, Sir Era,” she said. “But your father's right, we need to get you back to bed. You can tell me all about it when the others come back with your—”

  [Era — The Reveal]

  Raising a shivering right hand, Era cupped Titania's right ear, and whispered.

  [CRITICAL HIT!]

  She backed away, holding him at arm's length, and stared into his eyes.

  “Gods, I think the poison's gettin' to his head already,” said Mischa. “We need to sedate him before he forgets how to talk.”

  “Sir Era,” said Titania, looking at him like he just confessed to stealing the Moon. “That's not something to mention so casually, especially not on holy ground.”

  “I'm serious.”

  “How do you know Their name?”

  “They told me,” he said. “They also said you'd be able to help me get to Liv and the others—they're all gonna die unless I do something.”

  “You mean fight?” Mischa babbled through his frustration, trying to find the appropriate human words. “Era, you're dying—”

  Titania raised a hand to silence him. “Sir Era, we're now the only two people in existence who
know the true name of the Voice Highmost. Do They think you have a chance?”

  “They think I have the only chance.”

  The queen thought about this. With a heavy sigh, she turned to Mischa. “Now, Sir Mischa, I know you're concerned about—”

  “What can you even do, Era? What's the plan? If you think you're gonna do some heroic self-sacrifice bullvog, I'm puttin' you back to bed. I don't care if Monty wins and burns down the Empire—I'm not gonna outlive my son. You can't do that to me.”

  “I'm not gonna sacrifice myself, Meatbag.”

  “Then what's the plan?!”

  Era didn't have a plan. Ten seconds later, he did.

  “I'm...gonna wear a hat at them.”

  [Back to the ring, a tunnel of molten palace walls has been left by Monty's attack, extending to the other side of the palace. Standing in the ring, in front of the ashes of what used to be ropes, is Liv, still covered in fire.]

  Monty: [laughing] I torched you so bad that you're still on fire! This day just keeps getting better and better.

  [Transformation complete.]

  [The Black Knight has awoken!]

  [The fire dissipates—turns out it was a cocoon, who knew?]

  [Enter Liv's ascended Mystic form, the Black Knight. Her entire face is covered by a wrought-iron skull mask, and her hair floats behind her like tentacles. Iron plates and black crystals cover her body over her clothes—magical armor. She floats above the ring, breathing a stream of smoke and fire from her eyes and mouth.]

  [Then she turns to Noah.]

  Liv: It’s all right, Minion. Don’t be scared.

  Noah: [grinning] Don’t you tell me how to feel!

  Monty: Okay, this might be a rerun, but I do feel like this episode of “Bleep Monty Says” is very relevant to current events: STOP! IGNORING! ME!

  Liv: You wanna rock, mothervogger?

  [Liv — Mass Petrify]

  [Sparks of white plasma shoot from Liv's fingertips and wind around the room, into the audience. Lines of terrified GU warriors are turned to stone, dying where they stand.]

  [Liv — Telekinesis]

  [The stone warriors lift from the ground, covered in red telekinetic energy, and launch toward Monty all at once.]

  [Lord Monty — Parry]

  [He manages to bat a few away, but only a few. Several of his former comrades and subordinates shatter in his face, pelting against his skin and leaving his body white and pixelating. He groans through his teeth.]

  [Hit 16 times!]

  [27,403 DMG to Lord Monty]

  Monty: You just made the last mistake of your life, you godsdamn—

  [Liv — Geomancy]

  [She electrifies the floor from her fingertips. The section of the floor under the wrestling ring suddenly lifts, catapulting Monty through the window above the throne, and destroying the ring. It flips and flattens several warriors as it falls. The crowd panics. Liv's evil laughter fills the chamber.]

  Liv: Be right back, gotta go pluck the legs off your grasshopper.

  [She flips everyone off and flies into the air after Monty.]

  Legate Todd: Brothers of the GU...it would seem that our glorious leader, Lord Monty, is actually having a bit of trouble with this fight. That's okay! A hero has to struggle, otherwise it wouldn't be much of a story. We're here to show that a real man fights through his troubles, walks it off, and—

  [Lord Monty, covered in burn marks, rockets back onto the floor from the sky.]

  [Fall damage!]

  [2,305 DMG to Lord Monty]

  Monty: Are you DONE, Daddy Issues? Because I'm pretty sure it's my turn.

  [Liv — Skull Storm]

  [A shower of skulls of every elemental type, but mainly flame and lightning, rain onto Monty from the sky and nail him into the floor with explosions.]

  [Hit 32 times!]

  [45,308 DMG to Lord Monty]

  [Liv descends onto the frame of the window. She points the Glass Cannon at Monty, and a burning dragon skull forms around the tip.]

  Monty: Okay, now you're just being MEAN—

  [Liv — Dragon Cannon]

  [The dragon skull pukes a rainbow of white-hot plasma, fire, and concentrated rage at him.]

  [175,203 DMG to Lord Monty]

  [When the smoke clears, Monty is lying on his side in a newly-formed crater on the floor. He hobbles to his feet, using his spear to prop himself up.]

  Monty: Uh…Thoric? Remember that contingency plan we were talking about—

  [Liv — Nothing Personal, Kid]

  [Liv teleports behind Monty, emerging from a column of shadows that form into crows, fly away, then explode, killing some of the onlookers. The dragon skull opens its jaws around Monty's head.]

  Monty: Name your price.

  Liv: Ask me nicely.

  Monty: Please don't kill me.

  Liv: Please don't kill me, what?

  Monty: Please don't kill me, Liv.

  Liv: You get one more.

  Monty: Please, don't kill me, Master!

  [Liv hesitates.]

  Liv: Actually, y'know what, now I'm kinda tempted to just—

  [Thoric — Warning Shot]

  [Thoric fires his Medusa Gun toward Liv’s feet, intentionally missing. Liv flinches and lets go of Monty. She backs away, looking around for the source of the attack. Her armor dissipates.]

  [Concentration broken — Liv returned to normal.]

  Liv: What the—

  [Monty — Home Voggin' Run]

  [With a desperate swing of his spear, Monty bats Liv to the other side of the crater before she can respond.]

  [8,025 DMG to Liv]

  [Liv was KO'd!]

  Legate Todd: And there you have it! The Mystic is out of commission, and Round Three goes to Lord Monty!

  [Ridiculous cheering from the two-thirds of the spectators that aren't dead.]

  Azhera, the last of the Kobal winged gargoyles, sat on the tip of the pyramid, glaring and waiting.

  Era left the door of the pyramid with his schiavona at one hip and the Bells of Miracles at the other. His skin was still grey, and his eyes were still sunken, but thanks to a mass casting of Rigor Wave from the pyramid's entire priesthood, he could stand and talk for a good ten more minutes before passing out. His green sweater was back on his chest—a kobal sartomancer (tailor, but magical) mended it from its thoroughly shredded state in Chapter 23.

  “Remember what I told you,” said Titania.

  Era nodded. “Palms facing each other.”

  “Good, very good.” (There were a few other steps that Era had already forgotten, but to be honest, fumbling the palms facing each other bit was the biggest hiccup for first-time theriomancers.) “Are you ready, Sir Era?”

  “Probably not. Now, where's my flight there you were talking abou—”

  [Azhera — Swoop]

  Within seconds, Era’s silhouette grew smaller on the horizon, dangling by his sweater in the gargoyle’s talons.

  Mischa stepped out just in time to watch him go. “Feels like I should have said goodbye,” he said.

  “Have some faith in him,” said Titania.

  “Of course, I do. Gods know, Little Dork has made it through worse.” He sighed. “It’s just, my brain knows that, but my heart’s still in panic mode.”

  She placed a gentle hand on the small of Mischa’s back. “Is there anything I could do to take your mind off your worries, Sir Mischa?”

  A sad chuckle escaped his throat. “I mean, at this point, only thing would be for us to get piss drunk and screw like rabid weasels in a broom closet.”

  It took a few moments, but for the first time in years, Mischa regained his ability to regret the words that came out of his mouth.

  “Oh vog,” he said, blushing. “Uh, Your Majesty, if you could just forget I said that, uh, thing just now, I mean—”

  [Titania — Bridal Carry]

  Next thing Mischa knew, he was sitting between Titania's arms. She looked at him with a grin that would have
been censored in 17 countries. Mischa had no idea how the old Kobal queen was able to lift him so efficiently, but that was the last thing on his mind.

  “Sir Mischa,” she said. “If you could remind me where you've parked the Doomwagon...”

  Monty: This ain't over yet, guys. One degenerate left.

  Legate Todd: That's right, my brothers! Last, and most definitely least—the morbidly obese boytoy of the Princess herself, Noah!

  [A few centurions shove Noah into the crater. He stands up. The Astral Flute is in his hand.]

  Monty: How's it goin', big guy?

  [Noah is silent.]

  Monty: Y’know, just out of curiosity…how many real men is Pamina in bed with, right now?

  [Still silent.]

  Monty: Two guys? Three? Maybe thirteen? Not like she’s hard to pick up. Her only real requirement is “not Noah.”

  Noah: You are the most disgusting person I’ve ever met.

  Monty: [laughing] What's the matter, need a priest?

  Noah: I am a priest.

  [Monty — Chaaaarge!]

  [Monty runs toward Noah, giggling as he readies his spear.]

  [Noah — Trap Strike]

  [Noah jams the end of the astral flute into Monty's stomach. Sparks of holy energy shoot from the indestructible pipe.]