Love and Decay, Volume One

by Rachel Higginson

  What did he mean?

  More importantly, why did I care?

  Gosh, I hated being a girl.

  “Reagan, you’re in charge of the bathing,” Vaughan instructed as we made our way back to the rest of the group. “Use the big bubblers of water first since we can’t carry those. Hendrix, come with me to figure out how big this truck is. We’re going to want to take as much water with us as possible. We’ll spend the night and cross the border first thing in the morning.”

  “We’re that close?” I asked with a hopeful lilt in my voice.

  Vaughan gave me a look over his shoulder and hit me with those family-blues of his. Without a doubt, I knew Haley’s baby would have those same blue eyes. That had to be the most dominant gene out of all the genes, in all the world.

  “We’re that close,” he confirmed. “I don’t know what we’re going to find though. I want a secure place to sleep tonight. We’ll figure Mexico out with a full day ahead of us.”

  I nodded. Of course, it made sense.

  Vaughan led the way to Haley and the rest of the group. They’d holed up in a bank that actually seemed very secure. We were all relieved to see each other. They had heard the truck and managed to duck into the bank before they could be seen, but they hadn’t had time to warn us. Harrison had just made it across the road to them.

  They trusted Hendrix and me to take care of ourselves, which obviously we did.

  “I’m glad you’re alive, Reags, but I have to tell you, you look like shit.” Haley grinned at me.

  “Oh, sure,” I groaned. “This from the woman who hasn’t had to lift a finger in the last six months!”

  “I’ve lifted a finger! I’ve lifted plenty of fingers!”

  Tyler snorted next to her. “Yeah, you’ve lifted a finger to point at what you want. Then the rest of us scurry to fetch it for you.”

  Haley glared at us. “This is the opposite of a vacation. Believe me.”

  A squeeze of guilt wrapped around my heart. I sat down next to her and lay my head on her shoulder. I knew how scared she was. How terrifying birth was to her and how frightening it was to bring a baby into this uncertain world. How would she keep this child safe? How would an infant know to stay quiet when we needed it to? She worried about how to keep the baby fed and healthy. We had no kind of medical services to offer the child. She didn’t even have a home to take it to.

  There were so many things to be afraid of and so many questions we didn’t have answers to.

  “You’re not alone, though,” I promised her. “There is an entire community supporting Nelson and you. We’ll figure this out together.”

  Some of her humor returned and she raised an eyebrow at me. “Oh, yeah? You’re going to go through delivering this baby with me? Because if that’s true, I’d really like you to take over pushing it out of my vagina. I don’t want to do that part. You can do it.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “Sure, Hales. I’m not afraid. Bring it!”

  “You’d really do that for me?” Oh, poor Haley. She was so emotional. Her eyes were already misty from the thought of her best friend sacrificing for her.

  And because she was so sincere, I couldn’t lie to her.

  “Hell, no! I wouldn’t do that for you! I won’t even do that for myself! I’ve decided to never have children just to avoid that. The V and I had a little heart to heart and decided we’d skip that torture all together. I’m fine with my barren womb. It’s fine. We’re fine. We’ll be fine.”

  Tyler looked at me like I was crazy. “You seem fine.”

  “I am. I’m fine. Besides, I’d actually have to have sex for that to happen and I think we’re all in agreement that is never, ever, ever going to happen.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous!” Haley laughed. “You’ll get laid... laidback again. We’re all just a little stressed out right now. Hi there, Pagey. Whatchya doing?”

  Tyler and I stifled our laughs at Page’s unannounced arrival and Haley’s quick change of topic. She was going to make the best mom.

  Hopefully. I really, really hoped she would get to be a mom.

  “Did you find anything good, Reagan?” Page looked at me with those big blue eyes and I couldn’t help but smile.

  The Parkers had done an amazing job keeping her alive and well all these years. They would find a way to protect this baby too. They had to.

  I had to believe they would.

  “I did actually. I found water. Gallons and gallons and gallons of water. We can all get clean!”

  “Really?” Page’s excitement spread to all those around me and the entire group perked up at the opportunity to wash this filth off of us.

  “Yes, really. We just have to be careful. But there’s lots of it. There’s enough to drink and bathe and there should be enough to take with us.”

  “So we can go now? Like right now?” King was suddenly very close.

  “Dude, ladies first.” Haley wagged her finger at him.

  He didn’t seem chastised at all. Instead, he looked me over from head to toe and lifted his head defiantly. “Come on! Reagan’s going to use all of the water and we’re not going to get any!”

  I jumped up. Tyler followed me and then we both turned to haul Haley to her poor swollen feet. Suddenly the urge to get clean was absolutely overwhelming. I couldn’t wait another second.

  “I’m not that bad, King. Relax.” I was so that bad. I was really, really bad. I couldn’t even spread my fingers apart without using some serious effort. They stuck together from all the blood, guts and dirt. When I tried to force them apart, my skin stretched.

  I could only imagine what the rest of me looked like.

  “Don’t worry, Kingsy, I’ll save you enough to get your feet clean. You’ll be fine.”

  “Reagan!” he hollered after me.

  “Sorry, K, Vaughan’s orders.”

  Not exactly the truth, but close enough.

  Tyler and I lugged the water to the bar next to the pharmacy. It was a typical small town, so it had the one requisite bar, pharmacy, bank, and church. There were a few more buildings that would be useful to loot before we left, like a hardware store and a diner. I decided to use the bar as a shower room.

  We set up our packs and washed a small space on the filthy floor so we could stand barefoot without worrying about contracting tetanus or rabies or something. And then we got to work.

  Tyler and I helped Page first while Haley sat on a barstool and supervised. And then the three of us older girls took turns giving each other privacy. I even shaved.

  I freaking shaved!

  In the pharmacy, there had been rows of razors. I picked up enough for the next two years and still had enough to pass to my friends.

  My smooth legs, clean skin, and fresh clothes felt absolutely amazing.

  I had a whole new outlook on life after all that work. Maybe survival was possible after all!

  Maybe humanity wasn’t really lost!

  Or maybe my legs just felt amazingly smooth…

  I rationed out the water to the boys and they took their turns in the bar, getting as clean as humanly possible.

  After everyone was done, we made a pile of our clothes and set them on fire with Vaughan’s new lighter. They were too bloodied and filthy to ever make a comeback. Besides, most of us just couldn’t stomach the idea of ever putting them back on again.

  They needed to be burned. It was the honorable way to go.

  And watching that disgusting outfit turn to ash was like therapy.

  We made a dinner out of saltines, jerky and canned pears. Not too bad after what we’d been eating lately, which was nearly nothing. There were even some peanuts to go around thanks to the bar.

  I had no idea what happened to this little town or what the deal was with the mass grave, but I couldn’t have been more thankful for our good luck. We needed something like this. We needed a turnaround. We had needed a miracle.

  I didn’t know what we would have done had we not found some decent s
upplies and a way to survive until tomorrow.

  We stockpiled our loot in the bank with us for the night and bunkered down. We had four new weapons from the bounty hunters and food and water to last us a while.

  This was our most successful position in more than six months.

  And I had this sick feeling that it wouldn’t last. This felt like the calm before the storm. It didn’t make sense why I would feel like that on the eve of our border crossing, but I did.

  I should have been looking forward to tomorrow with hope and optimism. Mexico was rumored to be horrible and the Zombies were supposed to march in armies, led by ex-Cartel overlords. But that had to be better than being singled out and hunted by Matthias Allen.

  It was hard for me to imagine another dictator as ruthless and cruel as Matthias.

  Mexico had to be a step up just by process of elimination.

  I just couldn’t get my instinct to agree.

  Arguing interrupted my silent fears. I had just lain down for the night on an actual blanket and a couch cushion turned pillow, when Tyler and Miller’s argument escalated for the rest of the room to hear.

  Nobody was surprised. Miller had become increasingly difficult to deal with in the months since Kane and his mother died. We all understood that he was going through something horrific, but it was very hard to watch. Tyler was obviously having the hardest time dealing with him.

  “Miller, you cannot go outside right now. Are you crazy?” Her deep southern accent thickened when she was exhausted.

  “I just want to go for a walk, Tyler. Let me go for a walk!”

  “You don’t know what’s out there. Or who is out there. It’s insane! Of course, you can’t go for a walk! Where would you even go?”

  “I need space,” he growled. “You’re smothering me.”

  “Enough, Miller,” Vaughan demanded. “We’re in for the night. It’s not happening.”

  I heard Miller throw himself back on his bedroll and let out a furious huff. There was a lot of uncomfortable silence that followed Miller’s outburst. None of us really knew how to handle him without setting him off.

  What he needed was a loving parent that could guide him in the right direction, but he had never had that his entire life. And not one of us was equipped with the right skills. We did the best that we could, but Haley and Nelson would be our first real parents and they were starting with a baby.

  Miller was twelve and he’d been dragged through the very pits of hell. He needed something, but not one of us knew what to give him.

  Except for maybe Page. She was the only person Miller calmed down around.

  He’d always been very protective of her. I thought it was a childhood crush at first, but the more I watched them interact, I realized they shared a very strong attachment and I didn’t think it had anything to do with Miller’s physical attraction for her. She was still a child after all.

  He truly wanted what was best for her. He always made sure she had enough to eat, even at the sacrifice of his own meal. He let her sleep in all the best spots and stood near her any time there was potential conflict.

  She was the reason I knew he would turn out okay. You could see the conflict and pain swirling around him. He had been through so much and he was clearly struggling with how to process all that had happened, but when he was with Page, the storm inside him quieted. His frantic energy stilled and he seemed to finally focus.

  He was saving Page every single day when he went out of his way to make sure she had enough. And she was saving him too. Slowly, carefully, gently she helped him piece together the shattered remnants of his soul and spirit.

  She was his saving grace.

  It was really sweet.

  I rolled to my back and rested my hands on my stomach. I needed that. I needed my own saving grace. There were parts of Page and Miller’s relationship that left me reeling with jealousy.

  I missed having someone look out for me, specifically me. I missed having a strong shoulder to lean on and a broad chest to rest my head. I missed that deep loyalty that seemed so unshakable.

  I missed Hendrix.

  There. I said it.

  I tried not to. I tried to do anything but miss him. I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t want him. I wanted to mourn Kane and figure my shit out. I didn’t want to be consumed with Hendrix and the past and all the things I was currently missing out on.

  I just wanted to move on.

  But the ache in my chest and the loneliness in the core of my being didn’t want to go away. Might not ever go away.

  And I had no one to blame but myself.

  I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind. Tomorrow would be a new day, a new country and a new start. Everything would change when we got to Mexico.

  For the better.

  It would. Or I would make it.

  I was tired of being a passenger in my own life. I was tired of letting decisions be made for me and the good things pass me by.

  Mexico would be better than this and if it weren’t, I would keep pushing, keep pressing on until I found something that was.

  Chapter Four

  The morning came too soon. For the first time in a long time, I had gotten a few hours of sleep in a row. I had been up with the middle of the night watch, but once Harrison relieved me, I fell peacefully back asleep.

  I naively took that as a good sign.

  There had been no middle-of-the-night Feeder attacks or second visits from the bounty hunter down the street.

  Bounty hunter. That was still weird to think about.

  When I imagined bounty hunters, I thought of real criminals or reality shows. An image of me on a wanted poster never even crossed my mind before.

  Clearly I needed a better imagination.

  And to get the hell out of Dodge.

  We ate a breakfast of dried banana chips and more jerky. We also had a full glass of water each. I had never tasted anything better in my entire life. It might have been a little stale, but it was clean and so delicious my eyes watered.

  After breakfast, Vaughan and Hendrix slipped outside to make sure all was safe. Every one of us felt better with more guns and ammo in our possession. As much as we loved using the baseball bats, it was always better to kill from a distance.

  Write that down; that’s a life lesson.

  However, we knew the ammo wouldn’t last forever, so we’d stocked up on long-handled weapons from the hardware store that we knew could be lethal. Rakes, hoes, shovels, anything heavy that could get good leverage.

  Harrison had found a pickax. I did not want to be around for the ensuing carnage.

  Not that I had much of a choice.

  The truck that the bounty hunters brought was a huge beast of a machine. It was probably new at the time of the initial infection, and still ran well according to Vaughan and Hendrix who wore matching smiles of success.

  “Isn’t it going to take a lot of gas to keep running?” Tyler asked skeptically.

  “It is,” Vaughan explained patiently. “But it’s also stocked with lots of gas to keep it running. The back end has enough to last us a while.”

  Nerves erupted in my stomach, sizzling through my belly like hot lava. The problem with a truck as big and flashy as this one was that it drew a lot of attention. And attention was something we did not need.

  Although, we would cross the border in an hour and a half, maybe it wouldn’t matter. Surely we wouldn’t have to worry about people recognizing us down in Mexico.

  The previous owners had taken good care of it, I couldn’t argue with that. And there was a raised truck topper over the back end, so that we could fill it with supplies and not worry about anything bouncing out. Plus, some of us would have to sit back there. The topper would protect us from the elements and harsh wind and dust of the desert while being tall enough that whoever sat back there would be relatively comfortable.

  We spent the next forty-five minutes loading up the truck with all of our new supplies. The cab had two rows of seat
ing and four doors. This vehicle was huge.

  The bounty hunters had turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Not only had they revealed the wanted poster, but they also provided a nice mode of transportation.

  I felt anxious to leave this town and not just because I wanted to put the United Colony behind me. It was an odd place to be. The ghost-town vibe gave me the heebie-jeebies and knowing that most of the town congregated in a mass grave not too far away added to the creepiness.

  We had encountered plenty of abandoned towns before, but not one of them had remained this intact.

  Vaughan walked up to me once we got everything loaded up. “Reagan, do you mind sitting in the back? I think it might be best, at least until we get over the border.”

  “I don’t mind riding back there. Whatever you think is best.”

  He frowned and dipped his head to meet my eyes. “How are you doing with all this? You okay?”

  I cleared my throat to stall for time. It was a good question. I wasn’t sure I had an answer for it. “We already knew he was after us, right? I mean… the way Linley died. And Kane… and, well, he blames me for all of that. I’m not surprised he found a way to enlist more people to do his dirty work.”

  “I never wanted to believe that going south was a good option for us, but right now it feels like our only option.”

  “I’m sorry about that.” I tore my eyes away from his intense gaze. I just couldn’t look at him right now. The guilt was too heavy on my chest. “I feel like all of this is my fault. I feel like from the first day I met you guys, I’ve been steadily ruining your lives.”

  He immediately put a hand to my shoulder and squeezed hard. “Hey, stop that. You don’t think we could have found trouble on our own? Matthias would have found us eventually. You know that as well as I do. We were never meant to be friends with that man.”

  I smiled at his understatement. “I’m sorry about Hendrix too.”

  Vaughan threw his head back and let out a bark of laughter. “Don’t be. He’s just spoiled. He’ll start acting like a man just as soon as he figures out how to be one.”

  I quirked an eyebrow at Vaughan. Hendrix was the manliest man I knew. What in the world did Vaughan mean by that?