“Yeah. Everything’s fine.”
I glance back over my shoulder, but Lucca’s gone now.
“You know, Olivia, I don’t want to put anyone’s nose out of joint…”
“You aren’t. Lucca’s just – he’s very protective of me, that’s all. When Javier was alive, the three of us, we were like this little family, so when he died…” I pour myself a coffee and take a sip, “Lucca felt like he had to take on Javier’s protective role as well as his own. He made promises to Javier, that he would never let any harm come to me, all he’s doing is trying to make sure he doesn’t break those promises.”
“Must be pretty stifling at times, though.”
I look down into my coffee and smile. “It’s not, actually. Not all of the time.” I look up. “He’s a good guy, Angel. A really good guy.”
“Yeah. I know that.”
“So don’t wind him up. Play nice.” I lean back against the counter and take another sip of coffee. “You hungry?”
“Always.” He smiles, and it’s funny, but when a lot of these men smile it completely changes their faces. The hard edges blur into something more real, and it’s nice, to think that underneath that dangerous exterior there’s a human being.
“Help yourself to pastries.” I look over at the stove, where Celine’s pan of eggs are sitting. “I can get Celine back, if you want some fresh eggs…?”
“No. What’s there is fine. I’ve eaten much worse than cold scrambled eggs in my time, believe me.”
I smile and pull myself up onto the counter top, crossing my legs up underneath me. “Did you grow up with connections to the club?”
He picks up a plate and dishes up a pile of eggs, offering them to me first but I shake my head. “No. I kind of gravitated toward the Devil’s Creed after my mom and dad left me.”
I frown, reaching into the bag of pastries and pulling out a cinnamon roll. “Left you?”
“I wasn’t an easy kid to be around. I was a dick, if I’m honest. I blamed them for being crappy parents, for never being there, so I showed them just how much they pissed me off by getting into trouble. Just petty shit at first, stealing liquor from the shop on the corner; painkillers from the drug store; destroying the neighbors’ front yards, skipping school, fucking irritating shit, when I think back. But it was enough to get their attention. And I thought that would be enough, to make them realize I needed them to be around more, but it didn’t work. Which meant I just got more angry, with everything, not just my parents. The world in general; authority, I hated being told what to do, that really fucked me off.” He bows his head and drags a hand back through his jet-black hair. “I got involved with this gang of kids from downtown, I mean, they got into some real messed-up crap. We got caught trying to sell prescription drugs on Devil’s Creed territory, and I guess that’s when I realized I could go bigger than some dollar-store crew. Those bikers, man, I was in awe of them. That’s when I started hanging around the entrance to the compound, until they got so suspicious of me they thought I was working for someone; dragged me inside the compound, interrogated me until even they knew I couldn’t know a damn thing, I was just some kid with big ideas. They started letting me hang out at the clubhouse, gave me jobs to do, running errands, cleaning up after them, that kind of thing, but it made me feel like I was a part of something. And even in those early days I knew they’d be there for me, I trusted them. They became the family I felt I’d never had, but had always wanted. So the day my dad sat me down and told me they couldn’t take no more; that he and my mom were moving away; that my mom’s nerves were so shredded she was on medication for depression – medication they couldn’t really afford – I only had one place left to go.”
“Your parents moved away without you?”
“Yeah,” he sighs, and shrugs. “Just packed up the car and drove away without looking back. I remember standing on the doorstep, watching the car disappearing into the distance, convinced they were gonna come back for me. That they were just trying to fucking scare me, you know? But they never came back.”
“How old were you?”
“Fourteen. I learnt how to not give a shit pretty early on in life.”
“Jesus, Angel, I’m so sorry…”
He shakes his head, turning it to look out of the window at the ocean and the trees and the sky. “Don’t be. The club took me in, and from that moment on they really did become my family.” He drops his head and slides his hands into his pockets. “I pushed them away, my parents. I know that now. But I only saw the truth when it was too late. When I was old enough to think back and see everything for what it really was. They were only doing what was best for me, and I threw it all back in their faces.” He looks at me, his expression full of regret, and that’s not something you see often on the faces of these men. “They were working two jobs each, trying to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, they weren’t neglecting me. I just chose to see the worst in them, when there was never really anything bad in them at all.”
“Maybe they should’ve talked to you more. Told you what was happening.”
“They were just trying to protect me.”
“Have you spoken to them at all? Have you seen them, since they left?”
“No. I have no idea where they are, and I’m okay with that. I think it’s best it stays that way, I’m doing good now. I have the club. That’s all the family I need.”
I finish my coffee and slide down from the counter, rinsing my mug under the faucet.
“Aren’t you lonely, Olivia?”
His question surprises me, and I slowly turn around. “I don’t have time to be lonely.”
“Yes, or no.”
I cross my arms, my eyes meeting his. “No.”
“I think you’re lying.”
“Well, you’re not here to think, Angel.” I walk up to him and cup his cheek, gently digging my fingernails into his skin, his beard rough against the palm of my hand. “So don’t.” I let go of him, and he laughs quietly.
“I don’t think you’re quite the bitch everyone thinks you are.”
“I said, you’re not here to think.”
“How does Lucca fit into all of this, huh? I mean, what’s the real story there?”
I pick up the keys to the Jaguar and throw them at him. “Go check the car over. I’ll meet you out front in ten minutes. We have somewhere to be.”
Twelve Years Earlier…
“Hold it, like this.”
Javier comes up behind me, his hand covering mine as I grip the gun.
“There you go. Now, put your finger on the trigger, and aim for the target.”
“Just like that?”
He lets go of me and steps back. “Just like that. I’m throwing you in at the deep end because we don’t have time for anything else. I need you to be able to handle yourself.”
I’d never held a gun before. Never owned one. Never wanted to. But now I have to, I need to be able to defend myself. To protect myself.
“Come on, Olivia. Don’t let me down.”
I lift the gun, aim it at the target, and gently pull my finger back before letting go, the force of the bullet shooting out sending me reeling backwards, but I quickly steady myself.
“Good girl!” Javier exclaims, and I look up to see him examining the target. “I think you might be a natural.”
My first shot – my first ever attempt at firing a gun has hit the center of the board, and I can’t help but smile.
“You make me very proud, Olivia. But you still need to practice.”
“Isn’t a lot of this instinct?”
He slides his hands into his pockets and frowns. “Instinct?”
“Yeah. If someone’s coming for you, you just need to make sure you get there first. Am I right?”
He laughs. “Yes. You’re right.”
I lift the gun again, taking a second, much more confident shot, which hits the board just a hair’s breadth from t
he first. But this is pretend. This isn’t real. And this life I’ve chosen to live, it’s very real. And yet, I still don’t regret my decision to be a part of this world.
“Put the gun down now, Olivia.”
I turn around and go over to him, but I keep the gun in my hand. “I need to get used to it. So, it stays with me.”
“Put the gun away.”
I slide it down the back of my jeans and he takes my hand and pulls me toward him.
“No-one else would ever get away with talking to me the way you talk to me.”
His eyes burn into mine, and I smile a slow smile, I like pushing him. But that’s exactly what he wants. He doesn’t want someone who submits to him, he wants someone who’ll fight him. He likes being pushed. It’s all part of my training.
“I think it excites you, when I talk back.”
He smiles, but his fingers tighten their grip on my wrist. “Everything about you excites me, Olivia. Watching that pretty, innocent girl turn into this beautiful, wild woman, you’ll never understand how that makes me feel.”
“It’s all down to you. You did this. You changed me. You made me this woman, and now, I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be than by your side.”
His mouth falls onto mine, the kiss soft and warm and gentle, everything our world isn’t.
“I never want to be apart from you,” he murmurs, and I hold him tight and close my eyes and I try not to think of a time when we’ll ever be apart. That’s the only thing that scares me, about all of this – Javier not being here. He leaves a room and I feel like I can’t breathe without him, I love him in a way I never thought possible. And to have a man like him love me back in such a powerful way, it feels unreal sometimes.
“Don’t, Javier.”
He smiles again and strokes my hair, his hand now resting lightly against the base of my spine. “We must be ready for anything, Olivia,” he whispers. “Ignorance and denial has no place in this world.” He lets go of me and steps away, sliding his hands back into his pockets. “Stay. Practice some more. I have work to do inside.”
I pull my gun back out and turn it over in my hand, staring down at it.
“This is just the beginning.”
I look up at the sound of his voice. “The beginning?”
“Of everything you need to be.”
I frown, because I don’t understand what he means by that.
“We need to talk. Later. There is so much more for you to learn.” He starts to turn around, but stops himself, his eyes falling back on mine. “Do you regret it, Olivia?”
“Regret what?”
“All of this. Meeting me. Choosing my world over yours. Marrying me. Knowing what you know now, do you regret it?”
“What difference would it make if I did?”
He holds my gaze for a moment or two, and then he smiles a now familiar, slow smile before he turns and walks away.
My husband.
My world.
My god forsaken, dangerous, fucked up world…
Five
Lucca
“Couldn’t sleep, huh?”
I throw my jacket over the back of the couch and sit down in the chair opposite hers. She’s got her legs curled up underneath her, her long hair pulled back into a loose ponytail, her face free of that mask she insists on wearing. She looks younger. Tired. Sad.
“Sleep isn’t something that comes easy, to either of us. Is it?”
“No. It isn’t. How did the breaking the ground ceremony go?”
“Like clockwork. I smiled, shook hands, posed for the obligatory photographs… Building work begins next week.”
“And, what about Angel?”
“What about him?”
“He’s a Devil’s Creed brother, and people didn’t ask questions as to why he was with you?”
“No, because he wasn’t there. Nobody saw him.”
“I don’t understand…”
“He was far enough away to see everything that was going on, but remain invisible. I can do these things on my own, Lucca, I don’t need the ever-present bodyguard.”
“Yes, you do. You fucking do, Jesus, Olivia! You’re playing with fire here, people want you dead, you understand that, right?”
Her eyes settle on mine, her stare cold. “I understand perfectly, but I wasn’t at risk. Angel is as good as any Sicario.”
“Yes, but that isn’t what he is.”
“Maybe not.”
“You need twenty-four-seven protection, and playing games…” I drop my head and sigh. “Please, don’t do this.” I look up, but her expression remains stoic. I can’t read her, at all. “Where’s Angel now?”
“Back at the clubhouse.”
“You should’ve called me.”
“I wanted some time to myself.”
“I don’t like you being alone. It isn’t safe.”
It is, actually. She’s as safe as she can be, here, with guards and dogs surrounding the place, but I guess I’m just not used to being away from her. It makes me uneasy, because I’m so used to being by her side. Constantly.
“It’s safe, Lucca.” She puts her drink down and uncurls her legs, leaning forward in her chair. “To be honest, though, I’ve never really felt truly safe since Javier died. I’m always looking over my shoulder, but I knew that was the way I had to live, when I embraced this life. I know the Pino cartel still wants me dead, and I know they’ll still be looking for ways to make that happen, that won’t stop until we’ve finished the job. It’s understandable that they want to bring us down just as much as we want to end them, it’s a war. One we need to win.” She tugs on her ponytail, an action I don’t think she knows she’s doing, it’s a nervous thing. Traits like that, she doesn’t have that many of them, not in public, anyway. But, I guess, when she’s with me she feels more comfortable. And even if it isn’t something she does deliberately, she lets that mask slip more often than she realizes, when we’re alone. “Angel asked me if I was lonely.” She looks at me, and there’s a sadness in her eyes that I’ve never seen there before, not since the day I told her Javier wasn’t coming home. “And I think I am. A little. I mean, I didn’t tell him that, but the more I’ve thought about it…” She breaks the stare and looks out of the window, even though it’s dark outside. There’s nothing to see. “I think that’s why I wanted some time alone. To see if I really am as lonely as I think I might be.”
I don’t know what to do. What to say. Because I’ve never heard her talk like this. She might’ve been this open with Javier, I don’t know, all I do know is she’s never been this way, never been this real with me before. Ever.
She gets up, goes over to the table by the fireplace, and pours herself another drink.
“Do you want one?” she asks me, and I nod, watching as she pours the drinks, but keeps her back to me. “Have you ever been in love, Lucca?”
That’s a question I wasn’t expecting to be asked. “No.” And I’ve answered with a lie, because she can’t know the truth. I can’t do that to her. I can’t do it to myself.
She slowly turns around, walks over to me, and hands me my drink, our fingers touching briefly as I take the tumbler from her. And that brief skin-to-skin contact is enough to let me know that I’m still fucked. I’m so freaking fucked.
“Never?” She sits down on the arm of the chair and sips her whiskey.
“Never.”
Her eyes bore into mine, she’s almost challenging me, in a way, can she tell I’m lying? Does she know how I really feel…?
“Don’t you want to know what it feels like? To be in love, I mean.”
“I’ve never really thought about it.”
Another lie. I know what it’s like to be in love, and it fucking hurts.
“Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?”
“I’m not alone, Olivia. I have you. I have the cartel…”
“That isn’t the same as being with s
omebody you truly love. It isn’t the same.”
“What if it’s enough?”
She shakes her head. “It can’t be. It shouldn’t be.”
No. It shouldn’t. But what other choice do I have? “I don’t need the distraction.”
“Javier loved, Lucca. Javier loved me, and he still managed to run this cartel. He didn’t see me as a distraction.”
“What do you want me to say?”
That I love you? That I want you? So fucking much…
She looks down, shakes her head again, and finishes the last of her whiskey. “I don’t know.” She shrugs before raising her gaze. “I don’t know. Forget it.” She gets up, puts her glass down and heads for the door. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Olivia?”
She stops in the doorway, her arms crossed against herself. “Yes?”
“Are you okay?”
She glances at her watch, because it’s late. It’s long past midnight now. A brand new day. “Two years ago today you walked into this room, and you told me Javier wasn’t coming home. Ever. And the day after that, it would’ve – should’ve – been our twelfth wedding anniversary.” She smiles the weakest of smiles, one that doesn’t reach her tired eyes. “There’s your answer.”
Two Years Earlier…
“It’s a beautiful day. If it stays this way I thought, maybe, we could eat dinner outside tonight? Just the two of us.”
Javier fastens his tie and grabs his jacket from the bed. “I won’t be home for dinner. Lucca and I have a meeting at the casino this evening.”
“Okay, well, is there anything you need me to do?”
He comes over to me and slides two fingers underneath the thin straps of my short, silk nightgown, bending his head to kiss the side of my neck. “Right now, I don’t want you to do anything.”
He throws his jacket back onto the bed and pushes me against the wall. I close my eyes and bury my fingers in his hair as his mouth presses gently against mine, and then he smiles the kind of slow smile that makes my heart race and my head spin, even after all these years I still love this man so much, so fucking much.
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