Beautiful Dangerous

by Michelle Betham

  “Did you sleep with him?”

  “I think you already know the answer to that question.”

  “Jesus Christ…”

  “Does it matter?”

  “Yes, it fucking matters.”

  “Why?” I ask, turning my head to face him. “Why does it matter?”

  My eyes burn into his, challenging him, almost, to – what, exactly? Tell me something I think he’s been keeping from me? I know Lucca has secrets. I know this man is hiding something, so yes, I’m pushing him. I want a reaction from him, something to tell me that what I’m feeling, it isn’t wrong. It isn’t wrong…

  “You’re acting crazy, Olivia. Do you not see that? All these rash decisions, the risks you’re taking…”

  “I needed a distraction, today of all days, surely you can understand that?”

  “And sleeping with Angel Ruiz, that’s your distraction?”

  I stare at him for a second or two longer, and his ice-blue eyes are as cold as I’ve ever seen them. “Why does it matter so much to you? All of this? Why does it matter, so much?”

  I want him to tell me the real reason why it matters so much, not the shit I know he’s going to spiel. I want him to tell me the truth. No matter how dangerous that might be. I want to hear him say the words.

  “I get what day it is, okay? I get that. I know how much you still miss Javier, but this – please, Liv, don’t do it. Don’t. It’s only going to lead to trouble; blur lines we really can’t afford to distort. We need to keep things tight with the bikers. We need them on our side.”

  I look out ahead again, taking a moment. “I needed to know, Lucca.”

  “Needed to know what?”

  “How it would feel, with someone else. If I could – if I could even go there; if it felt like I was betraying him. Javier. I needed to know.” I look back at him. “But it was okay. It really was okay. I didn’t feel guilt or any sense of betrayal, so…” I drop my gaze, my hands tightly clutching my coffee mug. “I don’t know. I guess it means that, should I ever meet anyone who…” I trail off again, because I don’t think today’s the day for saying what I was going to say. The timing isn’t right. But if he’d told me what I’d wanted to hear – if he’d told me how he really feels… “Anyway…” I throw my head back and sigh quietly. “I don’t think Javier would want me to be alone for the rest of my life.” My eyes are back on Lucca’s now, holding his gaze. “Do you?” One more try. One more chance…

  “No. I don’t.” He gets up, and there’s something in his body language that doesn’t feel – I don’t know. Right? Normal? No. That’s the wrong word, but I’m feeling something different from him. Because I slept with Angel? Does he look at me differently now? Feel differently about me, now? Have I made a mistake…? “I’m going to grab a shower.”

  “Lucca?”

  He stops and turns around. “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You do what you have to do, Olivia. But you shouldn’t keep secrets from me. Really, you shouldn’t.”

  And neither should he.

  Neither should he…

  I watch him walk back inside, and without warning a feeling of utter sadness hits me, and it’s brutal; like a punch to the back of the head, and I take a deep breath to try and control it. Is this Javier, trying to tell me something? Delayed guilt? Whatever it is, I can’t let it take control, I need to focus on what matters now. What we’re trying to do. Everything else, it can wait.

  “We’re this close,” I whisper, staring up at the sky. “We’re this fucking close.”

  Bowing my head, I drag a hand through my hair and sigh heavily before I get up and go back inside.

  Angel’s in the kitchen, chatting to Celine, in Spanish, so I leave them to it and help myself to fresh coffee and toast, despite the fact I’m not really all that hungry. And as I eat I look outside, at the spot where Javier’s ashes were scattered, underneath the tree he used to sit beside, in a chair made specially for him by his grandfather. A chair that’s still there, where it’s always going to be, but for some reason I’ve never wanted to sit in it. And I make sure no-one else does, either, I suppose I’ve turned it into some kind of shrine without even realizing that was what I was doing.

  “Hey. You okay?”

  I turn and smile at Angel. “I’m fine.”

  “Have you seen Lucca this morning?”

  I nod and put my toast down. I just don’t have an appetite, I can’t finish it. “He knows, that you were here. All night.”

  “And I’m guessing he’s not happy, right?”

  “It doesn’t matter whether he’s happy or not, he doesn’t get to say who I do or don’t spend time with. You were here for a reason, and I’m grateful. Thank you.”

  “The pleasure was all mine, believe me.”

  I smile again and reach for my coffee. “It isn’t going to happen again. Do you understand?”

  He shrugs and leans back against the center island. “Yeah. I understand.”

  “It was something I needed to do, that’s all. Something you don’t talk about, do you hear me? To anyone. No bragging to your brothers, no mentioning it, at all. Not even to Eddie. What happened last night, it stays here. Within these walls.”

  “I get it.”

  “Good. You’d better get back to the compound. I don’t want Eddie thinking I’m taking advantage.”

  He leaves without another word and I sit back and close my eyes. That overwhelming sadness I felt a moment ago is still there, somewhere, and I allow myself a moment to miss a man who changed my life; the man who brought me into this god forsaken world that I’m not sure I can ever escape from now. But I know, with absolute certainty, that it’s a world I don’t want to be alone in anymore…

  Lucca

  I didn’t want to leave her, not today, I should be with her. But I had to get away, just for an hour or so. I needed to think. To get my head straight, because I’m not sure it’s been that way for days now. Months, even… No. Years. It’s been years. And Olivia, she’ll be fine, as long as she stays put at home.

  Just as I’m pulling the car up outside the casino, my phone rings, and I glance at the screen as it flashes the caller’s name. I need to take this. It’s important.

  “What you’re planning to do, Lucca – taking out the Pino brothers, I mean, Jesus! I don’t know if I can let that slide, it’s too much. It’s too fucking dangerous.”

  “Jesus, Jimmy, seriously?”

  “I’ve got Hawkins up my ass as far as the cartel and the fucking bikers are concerned, I can’t take a piss without him keeping eyes on me. You think he doesn’t have people at the port? He has people.”

  I lean forward, resting my arms on the steering wheel. “What did you do?”

  “Nothing. Believe me, I haven’t dropped the ball here, Hawkins is just being a real prick right now. And what you’re planning, it’s fucking big. Taking out a rival cartel? In the middle of the fucking day?”

  “They killed Javier.”

  “And I get that you need some kind of retribution, but… Christ! Why the fuck did I get mixed up in this shit?”

  “Because you got a gambling problem that earned you a possible foreclosure on your house, something your wife still knows nothing about. We’re helping you out of a hole here, Jimmy, remember? But, you know, if you prefer I can toss that spade right back at you and let you dig your own way out.”

  “I can’t do that, can I?”

  “I don’t know, can you? I mean, would Bea really be that upset to hear that you almost lost everything on the spin of a roulette wheel? That you still have a shit load of debts that a Mexican drug cartel are helping you pay off while you feed them information on their enemies? You think she’d be happy to hear that? You think Hawkins would be happy to hear that?”

  “You fucking bastard.”

  “Hey, I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them. And whether you like it or not, Jimmy, you’re
on the payroll now. So, you help us do what we need to do – what we’re going to do – or your life could get way more complicated than it already is. You think Hawkins is being a pain in your ass now? You’ve got no idea how much shit we could throw your way.”

  “This is a fucking mess.”

  “You made it, Jimmy. Not us. All we did was give you a way out. So, you clear on what we need from you? Hmm? Can I assume this call was just you making sure everything was okay?”

  There’s a pause down the line, but he has no choice here. Once you’re on that payroll, there’s only one way out of it, and I doubt he wants to take that route.

  “Yes.”

  “Good. Then this conversation’s over. Call me if you hear anything you think we need to know. I’ll check in with you soon.”

  “Lucca? Today… I know what day it is.”

  “And?”

  “You’re not going to do anything stupid, are you?”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. Mark the anniversary of Javier’s death in some way?”

  “Did any shit go down last year?”

  “Not that I knew about, no.”

  “There’s your answer.”

  I end the call and put my phone away before leaving the car and heading into the casino, glancing at the rows of bikes parked outside. Eddie must’ve called a meeting.

  It’s only mid-morning but the place is already busy, the air thick with the clattering of slots, hundreds of voices merging together in a cacophony of chatter and mundane background music that’s straining to be heard above everything else.

  “Lucca! What’s happening, brother?” Merv, the casino manager, meets me by the bar, a slightly concerned look on his face. “Nothing’s wrong, is there?”

  “No, everything’s fine. I just needed to escape for a while.”

  “Can I get you something to drink? Some breakfast, maybe?”

  “No, I’m good. Thanks. Are the bikers out back?”

  “Eddie’s called a meeting, yes. They’ve been in there a while now.”

  Both the cartel and the bikers use the casino regularly for meetings, we have a room at the back of the building specifically for such purposes. And today it looks like Eddie’s gathered his brothers together to discuss our deal, and the sooner that’s sorted the better we’ll all feel. We need numbers now. People. Enough men to win the ongoing war we’re trying to put an end to. Only then can things start to settle down.

  You think things are going to settle down?

  Brother, you’re kidding yourself, this shit is only going to get more complicated…

  “How’s Olivia?” Merv asks. “Today can’t be an easy one for her.”

  I sigh quietly; try to silence those voices inside my head, I’m hearing them way too often these days. Reminding me. Warning me… “She’s okay.”

  She isn’t. And I’m regretting leaving her alone now, but I think I need some time to myself as much as she does. She’s safe, at home. As long as she stays there.

  “Javier would be proud of her, for how she’s stepped up.”

  “She knows that.” I drop my head and drag a hand through my hair, I could do with a drink but it’s not even lunchtime yet. “Actually, could I get some coffee?”

  “Of course.”

  I turn around and lean back against the bar as Merv leaves to get me my coffee, watching as the world goes on around me, and wondering when mine started to feel so different.

  “Hey, Lucca!”

  I turn my head to see Eddie striding toward me, a mass of cut-clad brothers following behind him, dispersing in different directions as some of them head to the restaurant, others to the casino floor. Looks like the meeting’s over.

  “Eddie. You guys are here early. Everything alright?”

  “Everything’s good, brother.”

  “You called in the numbers for this one, huh?”

  He looks around and smiles. “Yeah. But, your proposition, it’s a big one. Coming on board with you guys means we have to scale back on some of our own business, and that needs a lot of discussion. A lot of delegating. Starting early was a necessity.”

  “And? Have you come to a decision?”

  “We’re in. There was never any doubt, we just needed to get our own house in order first.”

  “Do you want to set up another meeting with Olivia?”

  “What else is there to talk about? All we’re doing is extending the services we already provide for the cartel, with added power. Isn’t that right?”

  “That’s right.”

  He pats the top of my arm, his smile widening. “Now it’s all official we can start working as a team.” He holds out a hand and I shake it.

  “You won’t regret it.”

  “It’s a good move for all of us, brother.”

  “You should call Olivia. I can tell her myself, but I think she’d like to hear it from you.”

  “Today?” He raises a brow.

  “Go see her, Eddie. It’s been ages since you visited the house, she’d love to see you. And believe me, if Celine finds out we have a special guest you’ll be leaving with enough food to feed that lot over there for a week!”

  “How can I refuse now, huh?” He grins, and I’m already starting to feel better. A little, anyway.

  “Why aren’t you with her?” Eddie asks, signaling to Angel that he’s leaving.

  “We’re not joined at the hip.”

  Eddie frowns, I guess my tone was maybe a touch too defensive there, and I sigh quietly, and all of a sudden I’m irritated and on edge and I don’t know why…

  Yeah, you do.

  You know why.

  You know…

  “You and Olivia…” Eddie starts, resting back against the counter. “You’re close, right? Even closer, maybe, now Javier’s gone?”

  “You got something to say here, Eddie?”

  He shrugs, his gaze holding mine. “I can see it in your eyes, brother. And if I can see it…” He leaves that sentence hanging and strides off, and I’m even more irritated now. What the fuck…?

  “Your coffee, Lucca.” Merv sets a mug down on the counter, alongside a shot of whiskey. “Just in case.”

  “Thanks, Merv.”

  “You need anything else, you just let me know.”

  He heads out onto the casino floor, and I tip the whiskey shot into the coffee and down a mouthful, it’s hot but not burning. And I needed that shot of alcohol, because I forget how this day can affect me, too. How it all affects me, and I can’t talk to anyone, about any of it. I can’t. And sometimes the strain becomes too much, and I forget the danger, but I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t. I need to stay on my guard, anything else just isn’t an option.

  My phone starts vibrating in my pocket and I pull it out, checking the screen first. “Shit!” I briefly close my eyes and raise the phone to my ear. “I thought we agreed, not today.”

  “It’s getting harder to ignore what we agreed, Lucca. This isn’t easy for me either, I’m just doing what I have to do.”

  “I know,” I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. “It’s just been a weird couple of days.”

  “Has something happened?”

  “No. Nothing that you need to be concerned with.”

  “I need to be concerned with everything, Lucca. No secrets, remember?”

  “No secrets,” I murmur, signaling to the bartender to get me another whiskey shot.

  “Where’s Olivia?”

  “At home.”

  “You’re not with her?”

  “Not at the moment. I’m giving her some space.”

  “Is that what she needs? Space?”

  “I don’t know, she doesn’t talk to me, not in that way.”

  “Well, you’re not a shoulder to cry on, are you? That’s not what you’re there for, that isn’t your job.”

  “I know what my job is.”

/>   “Good. Are the bikers on board yet?”

  “They had a meeting this morning. Eddie’s on his way to see Olivia now, but, yes. They’re on board.”

  “So, we’re all ready to go.”

  That isn’t a question. It’s a statement.

  “Yeah. We’re ready to go.”

  A slight pause.

  “Is there something you’re not telling me, Lucca?”

  Plenty. More than they could ever fucking know… “Jimmy Golden, he’s starting to become a pain in the ass. I’m beginning to think we should have chosen a lot more carefully when we were looking for a man on the inside.”

  “He’s got a lot to lose, if he fucks us over.”

  “And he knows that. But I’m worried he isn’t strong enough to see this through. Maybe we should look to ending that uncertainty before it gets out of hand.”

  “Have you spoken to Olivia about this?”

  “Not yet. I got a call from him this morning, he’s all kinds of edgy, and I’m not comfortable with that. Not with what’s about to go down, and Jimmy, he’s nervous as hell. Which means I am, too.”

  “Set up a meeting between him and Olivia. Let her talk to him, and if that doesn’t work, we might have to take the only other route open to us. We can’t afford these unnecessary risks. But, if we find our hands are tied, we’ll need another contact. Make sure someone’s put in place fast, it shouldn’t be too hard. The corrupt far outnumber the good guys as far as law men go in that town. Talk to Eddie… Lucca, are you okay?”

  “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

  So many fucking reasons…

  “I have no idea. But, if there’s something I need to know…?”

  “There isn’t,” I sigh. I seem to be doing that a lot today. “It’s just…” I stop talking, drop my head, and close my eyes.

  “Just, what?”

  “It’s getting harder, keeping secrets from Olivia. Do you have any idea what she’s going to do when she finds out the truth? The reason why she was put in danger when she didn’t need to be? She isn’t that young, naïve girl anymore, she’s something completely different. Someone completely different, and what we’re doing…”