That’s exactly what it is.
Impossible.
Does it have to be…?
Taking a deep breath, I walk over to him, and stand next to him, crossing my arms against myself.
“I can’t shake the feeling that this is just one, long, really weird dream. Can you?”
Lucca looks at me before he briefly drops his gaze, smiling as he slowly raises it. “Yeah. I guess.”
I wait a second or two before I speak again. “You lied to me, Lucca.”
His eyes lock on mine, and I desperately try to batter down the butterflies in my stomach; the tightness in my chest, the rapid beating of my heart, all feelings I should be experiencing because my husband is back. But those feelings just aren’t there when I look at Javier. And I don’t think they’re ever going to return.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispers, and I know this is a conversation we haven’t really got time for now as the sound of a car approaching from the front of the house signals the arrival of Hawkins. “Come on. We should go.”
I nod and follow Lucca out of the room, out into the sprawling main hallway, Angel joining us as Javier grabs my hand and we make our way outside.
Hawkins and Harry slam their respective car doors shut and walk toward us as Javier and I step forward, Lucca and Angel behind. Hawkins stops a few meters away from us, Harry by his side, and the tension in the air is palpable.
“Detective.” Javier greets Hawkins with a small dip of his head, his hands in his pockets, he’s exuding arrogance and calm. “What can we do for you this fine evening?”
“What the fuck is going on here, Javier?”
Javier looks at me, and we exchange smiles. “I had other matters I needed to attend to.”
“Jesus fucking Christ…” Hawkins looks at Harry. “I spend most of my life trying to navigate through the shit this family causes, believe me, we’re gonna be spending a lot of fucking time here.”
“These people aren’t a problem for me, Jack.” Harry’s expression remains stoic as he locks eyes with Javier. And the fact he’s already on first name terms with Hawkins means he’s gained the detective’s trust. He’s a fast worker. A good find. A necessary asset.
“Sent from fucking heaven, this one.” Hawkins seems incredibly pleased with his new partner, and the fact he’s played straight into our hands tells us, once again, how easily manipulated this man really is. “Unlike the last one.”
Ah, yes. Poor Jimmy…
“I’m sorry…” Javier cuts in, “are we going to spend all night discussing your new partner’s merits? Or do you have a reason for stopping by here tonight, only, I have a party to get back to.”
“A fucking party…” Hawkins laughs, shaking his head, but he knows he’s going to get nothing here. Just a whole lot more unanswered questions. “Where did you go, Javier?”
“I just needed a little time away from everything. Call it, a bit of a break.”
Hawkins turns his attention to me. “Did you know? That your dead husband was alive all along?”
Javier presses his hand against my lower back, and I stay silent, because that’s what he wants me to do, for now. Instead, I just smile, give nothing away, it’s the best way to deal with this situation. Give them nothing, without proof of anything linked to us they can’t do shit. And Hawkins knows that.
“Does any of this have anything to do with the murder of Tony and Emilio Pino? Hmm? Because we’re all very much aware that your families have been engaged in some kind of war for decades now. And the timing, come on, even you have to admit it’s a little too coincidental.”
“Coincidences happen.” Javier shrugs, his hands back in his pockets. “That’s all this was. And as for the Pino brothers, they have – had – a lot of enemies. I’m sure you’re all too aware of that, too.”
Hawkins narrows his eyes, but he knows he can’t pursue this much further, not right now. Not yet. Not when he has zero proof that we were involved in anything.
“This isn’t over. You don’t get to rise from the dead and not have me want to know why you did that, where the fuck you were, or what the hell you were doing.”
Javier raises an eyebrow, the corner of his mouth turning slightly upward. “It is not up to me to tell you how to spend your time, Detective.”
“This isn’t over,” Hawkins repeats before he retreats to the car, Harry striding ahead of him.
We wait until they pull away before making any kind of move.
“I’m guessing they’ll be going straight to the Devil’s Creed compound,” I sigh, watching as the tail lights of Hawkins’ car disappears through the gates at the end of the winding driveway.
“Eddie’s expecting them.” Javier takes his hands out of his pockets and rubs them together. “Come on. Back inside. There’s a party still going on in there, and we have much to celebrate.”
Do we? The look that passes between Lucca and I as we follow Javier and Angel inside says otherwise.
I should be celebrating. This is all I’ve ever wanted, right? My husband back.
It’s all I’ve ever wanted…
Fourteen
Lucca
“You look tired.”
I open the back door of the Jaguar as Javier climbs inside. “I haven’t been sleeping well.” I close the door and climb into the driver’s seat.
“Is there a reason for that?”
My eyes briefly meet Javier’s in the rear-view mirror. “I never sleep well. You know that.”
He drops his gaze to his phone. “You should see Dr. Nolan. He could prescribe you some pills, to help you relax.”
Why is he so concerned about my sleeping habits all of a sudden? He never gave a shit before. “I’m fine.”
“Maybe you need a break.”
“A break?” I turn my head to look at him, and when he raises his he has a smile on his face. “What kind of break?”
“I don’t know. A few days away, from all of this. It might be a good idea.”
“Why the fuck would I suddenly want a few days away when I have never expressed a need for that before? And why would I be going anywhere, when you’ve only just returned?”
“You’re right. Forgive me, I was just concerned for your welfare, that’s all. You’ve had a lot to deal with, while I was away.”
“I hated lying to her.” I start the engine, my eyes now back on the road.
“I know. It was a lot to ask of you. But I’m extremely grateful, Lucca. For everything.”
We pull out of the driveway, on our way to the casino for a meeting with the bikers. After Olivia’s successful dinner with Endo French over the weekend we now have ourselves a new line of product coming out of Bolivia, and a warehouse already full of it, acquired from the Pino cartel, all ready to be distributed. That needs to be coordinated, and then Javier has meetings all day as he continues the work Olivia started on the new hotel. We have more and more businesses on the go now, more fronts to hide behind. It’s important we keep that façade going, for a number of reasons.
“You’re like a brother to me, Javier. Anything you need, I’ll be there for you.”
He lets a couple of beats go by, and once again our eyes briefly meet in the rear-view mirror. “Thank you.”
I turn the radio up a little, and hope he isn’t in the mood for conversation. I know I’m not. My head’s still a mess, this whole situation, it’s suddenly something I’m struggling to deal with, even though I knew it was coming. I had the benefit of foresight, Olivia didn’t.
But she’s struggling just as much as you are, right?
I don’t know.
I think she might be…
The entire town is talking about nothing but Javier’s reappearance, the attention he’s receiving is alarming, and for a man who has so much crap to hide he’s more than happy to put himself back out there, front and center. He’s encouraging it. But then, to most people, he’s nothing more than a highly successful busines
sman who had to go into hiding, and then fake his own death to avoid an assassination attempt from the Pino cartel over a mistaken territory issue. Yeah, that’s his story. And Olivia has her part to play, the wife who had to fake her grief in order to keep her husband alive, and that is so fucking unfair of him, to put her through more shit. But she’s doing what she has to, for a man she loves. Loved. I’m still not sure her feelings are the same anymore, something changed in the days leading up to Javier’s return… No. Not something, everything changed.
And your whole world became a lot more uncertain…
“I’m thinking that Olivia and I might retake our wedding vows.”
I swallow hard, my fingers gripping the wheel so tightly my knuckles are starting to turn white.
“As a way of marking our new beginning. What do you think?”
“I’m not sure it’s got anything to do with me. What does Olivia think?”
“I haven’t mentioned it to her yet. It’s just an idea, but I’m beginning to think it’s almost necessary.”
I frown. “Necessary?”
“In order to put the past behind us. Move on. We’re all starting a new chapter, Lucca. All of us. It would be nice to recognize that in some way.”
His eyes again meet mine in the mirror, and I feel my shoulders tense, but I keep my focus. I’ve got no choice. “You should really talk to her about this, not me.”
“You and she grew close while I was away, closer than you were before I left, I just thought you might have some idea of…” He stops talking, and my stomach drops like a boulder from a cliff edge.
“Of what?”
“How she feels, about me.”
I frown again, I’m not enjoying this conversation. It’s not making me feel comfortable. “You’re her husband. She loves you.”
“Love can weaken, during a prolonged absence. Feelings can fade, people contemplate moving on. Maybe they find someone else to love.”
Does he know? Does he fucking know about me and Olivia? How I feel? What we did…? No. If he knew, he’d kill me. He wouldn’t hesitate, he’d end me.
“All she wanted was for you to come back to her, Javier.”
“Sometimes it doesn’t feel like that,” he sighs, turning his head to look out of the window. “She keeps pushing me away. Won’t let me touch her in the way I want to touch her.”
My skin prickles at the thought of his hands on her skin, even though he has every right to be that close to her. I have none. I shouldn’t even be thinking about her in that way.
“Javier, believe me, she has spent the past two years consumed by a sadness she couldn’t shake, I saw it in her eyes, every day. And you coming back like this, it’s a shock. Understandably so. She just has to get her head around it, that’s all. She needs time.”
Tell him what he needs to hear…
“Maybe.”
“Talk to her, Javier. Take her to dinner, or have Celine cook you something special, set a table out on the terrace. Step outside of this world for a few hours and go back to a time when you were falling in love with her, and try to bring all those feelings back. Start again. It’s what you want, after all. Right? To start again? A new beginning?”
Every one of those words was like a knife cutting into me, but this is what I have to do.
She can never be yours, remember?
She can never be yours…
I look in the mirror again, and he’s smiling. A genuine smile that reaches his eyes, he looks almost grateful.
“Thank you, Lucca.”
And I hate that I’m giving him advice on how to pull Olivia even further away from me, but in the end that’s just something I have to accept. That Olivia will never be mine. We left it too late.
You never stood a chance.
Never…
Olivia
“How did you know I like blueberry jam in my doughnuts?”
Angel smiles at me from across the table. We’re in the casino’s restaurant, waiting for Javier to turn up for a meeting to co-ordinate the distribution of Endo French’s product. The delivery we commandeered from the Pino cartel.
“Lucky guess.” He shrugs and sips his coffee before tipping a shot of whiskey into it, and sinking a bigger mouthful.
I smile and tear off a chunk of doughnut, popping it into my mouth as I sit back and look around at the already busy casino floor, and it’s not even ten-thirty in the morning yet.
“You look happier today.” Angel reaches over to steal a chunk of doughnut, but I slap his hand away.
“Get your own!” I laugh, my arm protectively circling the plate. “And, for your information, I am happier today.”
Sort of. The truth is, I’m just learning to accept the new reality that’s been thrust on me; the lies I now have to tell to keep Javier’s cover story real. I’ve had a lot of explaining to do, to our legitimate business partners, and not all of those conversations have been easy. Some have been nervous about what they might be getting into, but I’ve managed to, so far, quell any fears people might have had. Others have been more than happy with the extra attention Javier’s return from the dead has generated, seeing it as welcome publicity.
“Any reason why?” Angel pushes, shooting me a friendly grin, and for the first time since Javier came home I feel relaxed. Calm, even, although, it won’t last. It never does.
“I don’t know,” I sigh, sitting back again, my head dropping, my fingers fiddling with the remains of the doughnut. “I guess, sometimes, I allow myself to think of something other than this.”
“This?”
I look up, and he’s frowning. “This life. And then I realize there is nothing else, other than this life, but it’s one I can handle.” I shrug. “And things are okay now, you know? Javier’s back, and we’re running this shit together, so…” I let that sentence trail off, and the sudden, almost breath-taking feeling of sadness that swamps the pit of my belly is terrifying.
“Olivia?” Angel leans forward, our eyes locking.
“I’m okay.”
“You sure?”
I nod, and I smile, and I try to push the sadness to one side. I’m confused by the way things are changing. Everything I thought I knew – everything I thought I wanted, those things aren’t the same anymore.
“Do you ever think about what your life could’ve been like, if you hadn’t married Javier?”
I wait a moment before I answer that question, but I keep my eyes locked on Angel’s. “It’s dangerous, to let myself think about that.”
“Do you ever think about leaving this life behind?”
I have no idea why he’s asking me these questions, and I’m not sure I should be having this conversation with him, even though I really do feel like I can trust him. I have to trust somebody, because I’m not even sure I can trust myself at the moment.
“I can’t do that.”
Angel arches an eyebrow. “Can’t leave this life behind? Or can’t think about it?”
“Both.”
He shakes his head, and my stomach dips, it feels heavy with a despair I’ve been trying to push away, masking it with this pseudo-happy façade, but as each day passes it’s getting harder and harder to keep that up.
“You can do anything you want to, Olivia. If you want to get out, if you want to leave all this shit behind, you can. You can do that.”
I have no idea why this conversation is happening – or how we got here – but I think we should end it, now, before I say too much.
“Come on. We should go join the others, Javier will be here soon.”
I start to get up, but he puts his hand over mine, stopping me from leaving. “When I said you could trust me, Olivia, I meant that. So, if you need to talk…”
“I’m fine.” I smile, and I hope that’ll satisfy him enough to leave this alone. “Really.” I pull my hand away from under his and he gets up too, but the look that passes between us, he knows I’m not okay. I thought I
was. I pretended to be. But I’m not. I’m not okay.
“I’m here, alright? Any time…”
“I know. I know you are.”
I hear Javier’s voice booming out across the room as he greets Merv, the casino manager, and I look over as he strides toward me, followed by Lucca, and I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces.
The man I married.
And the man I love.
“We should go,” Angel whispers into my ear, giving my shoulder a quick squeeze as he makes his way down onto the casino floor, but I feel like my feet are glued to the spot. It’s only when Javier’s eyes meet mine that I find myself plastering that necessary smile back on my face, this is what I signed up for. It’s time I faced up to that, and accepted it.
~~~
“Come home with me, Olivia.”
The meeting’s over, and everything is in hand with regards to the distribution of Endo French’s product. The Devil’s Creed will oversee it all, it’s safe in their hands. And now – now Javier wants me to go home with him, to spend some time with him, alone. And I’m trying desperately to think of a hundred excuses as to why I can’t do that.
“I’m supposed to be going straight to The Garden after this meeting, there’s a delivery of that golden tequila you specifically ordered coming in later.”
“Nora and Kyle can deal with that, you don’t need to be there.”
I know I don’t need to be there, it’s just another excuse to avoid spending any time with him alone, but it’s getting to the point where I can’t keep doing this for much longer.
“I need to pick up the books. Laurel wants to go over them, to make sure everything’s in order.”
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