The Garden is one of the few, truly legitimate businesses the Delgado cartel runs. It’s clean, never had a dollar of dirty money come through it, and I intend to keep it that way. Our completely legitimate businesses are a fallback. A safety net. Something to hold onto, in case Javier ever feels the need to walk away from this life, that’s what he told me. But I’m not sure that’s something he’s ever likely to do, it’s too embedded into him. All of this, it’s who he is, but I’m beginning to realize that it isn’t who I am. Not anymore. And if I could find a way to get out I would run, so fast, until my lungs hurt, but only if Lucca were with me…
“Is there any reason they shouldn’t be in order?”
Javier’s voice pulls me back to reality, all those impossible thoughts of running anywhere shoved firmly to the back of my mind, where they need to stay. That idea, it’s just a stupid fantasy I need to forget.
“No, of course not.”
There’s a real sadness in his eyes when he looks at me, and yes, that stab of guilt I felt just then, that was real, because I don’t hate this man. I don’t know how much I can trust him anymore, but I don’t hate him. I grieved, and I moved on, that’s all. What else was I supposed to do, when I thought he was dead? But I’m finding it hard to put all of that back in the box and pretend like I never had to go through it. His coming back, it’s supposed to be the start of a whole new beginning for us, but I’m struggling to deal with it all.
Because you fell in love with another man…
Because I fell in love with another man.
“Come here, Olivia. Please.”
Paranoia isn’t something I’m prone to displaying, it isn’t the kind of trait that works well in this world, but I’ve been drifting towards bouts of it lately, and I’m worried that it’s getting harder to hide.
“Absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder, hmm?” Javier rests his palm against my cheek, his thumb gently stroking it as he looks into my eyes. “But the reality is it’s only pushed us further apart. And I think we need to find a way back to each other. Don’t you”
“Yes,” I whisper, not missing a beat, if I hesitate he’ll read into that.
“I love you, so much,” he whispers, and I believe him. I believe that he does still love me, and I wish with all of my heart that I still loved him the way I used to, but I don’t. I can’t.
“You lied to me, Javier.”
“And I can only keep saying how sorry I am, that I had to do that, but I’m sure you understand that for you to have known the truth, it was too risky.”
His hand fans out against the base of my spine, pressing me gently against him, and I feel my skin break out in goose bumps, my heart racing, and I’m not sure whether those feelings are real, or whether I’m managing to bring them on because I need to. “It would’ve put you in too much danger, mi amor. And I wasn’t willing to do that.”
I drop my head, but he tucks a finger under my chin and gently pushes it back up, until our eyes meet again, and he smiles.
“I love you, Olivia. That’s why I had to lie to you.”
“I grieved for you. Cried for you. I thought you were gone forever, do you know what that feels like? To have your world ripped apart? To not get the chance to say goodbye?” There’s an anger coming from deep within me now, rising up, and I need to let it out, I think I have to do that. It might even help, but at the very least it’ll let him know how I feel. And maybe give me a little more breathing space. And he gets that, he realizes that I need to do this, and he steps back from me. “I had to live with the pain of your death, and keep it hidden while I ran your fucking business, because that’s what I had to do. I had no choice…”
“You had a choice, Olivia.”
No, he’s wrong, I didn’t. And I shake my head as I fight to keep the tears at bay, tears that will make me appear weak, but I can’t stop a few from escaping, and I’m so angry at myself for allowing that to happen. “I had no choice, Javier, and you know that. I loved you, like I’d never loved anyone before, this all-consuming, powerful, terrifying love, so I hid my grief and I ran the business for you, because that was my job. My duty. To keep your memory alive. To keep the cartel alive. And every day I prayed to a god I’m not even sure I believe in to bring you back to me, even though I knew I was asking for the impossible.” I throw my head back and laugh, a hollow, empty, humorless laugh. “Who knew he was listening all along, huh?”
“Olivia, baby, please…”
“No. No, Javier, don’t tell me it’ll all be okay, don’t tell me you understand, you don’t, understand. You can’t.”
That anger is still rising, but I’m desperately trying to bring it under control now.
“Okay. I get it. I do, this is crazy and sudden and it’s difficult to get your head around, I really do get that. But this is a crazy world.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
My voice is calmer now, the anger’s subsiding, but that doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to be okay with any of this. I’m not. I’m not sure I ever will be.
Because you don’t want to be.
I don’t want to be…
“I’m sorry,” I sigh, even though I don’t think I have a thing to apologize for, whereas he has so much. “Sorry that your return wasn’t the fanfare-laden spectacle I’m sure you’d hoped it would be, but sometimes… sometimes we need to be careful of the things we wish for.”
“Olivia…”
“I’m going to The Garden, Javier. I’m going to work.”
And he doesn’t stop me. Doesn’t even try to, and I hope that means he’ll give me a little more time, time I need to figure this mess out. Time I need to talk to Lucca. Time I need to make some of the most dangerous decisions I may ever have to make…
Fifteen
Olivia
“What are you doing here? I thought you were permanently glued to Javier’s side now he’s back?”
Lucca half smiles and leans back against the counter, sliding his hands into his pockets. “He sent me here to make sure you were alright.”
I look at him out the corner of my eye, the edges of my mouth turning up slightly. “Did he tell you I’d had some sort of meltdown?”
He laughs and drops his head, shaking it. “No, he didn’t.” He looks up, and his eyes meet mine, and my breath catches in my throat.
You have to stop this.
I’m trying!
Not hard enough…
I’m trying…
“Did you?”
“Did I what?” I ask, as I continue to unpack a box of golden tequila. Javier’s favorite.
“Have a meltdown.”
“No.”
We smile at each other again, and for a moment I forget where we are; who we are, and it’s the most beautiful, precious moment. But it can’t last.
“I called him out. I might’ve got a bit upset, which I’m so fucking annoyed about, I should’ve been stronger than that.”
I lean back against the counter beside Lucca, crossing my arms against my chest, staring out onto the busy street outside; the restaurant floor full of diners enjoying late lunches.
“I let this whole fucking situation get to me,” I sigh.
“It’s understandable, Liv.”
“But it was the last thing I wanted to do, in front of Javier.”
“He’s not your boss, Olivia. He’s your husband. And he loves you.”
I keep my eyes focused on the street, at the people walking by. Ordinary people, with ordinary lives, I could’ve been one of them. An ordinary person. Living an ordinary life.
“Do you wish things were different?” I whisper, and for a moment I forget that I said that out loud, and I close my eyes and count to ten but I know that when I open them, everything will still be exactly the same. And Lucca doesn’t answer that question anyway, he stays silent, and when I look at him he’s got his head bowed, and I can tell that his hands are balled up into fists,
even though they’re still in his pockets. I can tell by the way his forearms have tensed up, veins bulging out from beneath his tanned, tattooed skin.
I want to ask the question again, but I don’t. I think it’s too dangerous, so I leave it alone, turn back around, and take the last few bottles of tequila out of the box, ready to stash away behind the bar.
“Every day I wake up and I wish things were different.”
He’s raised his head now, and his eyes lock on mine the moment I glance in his direction, and my stomach flips and flies and I can’t stop it from doing any of that. I can’t.
“So, yes, I wish everything were different. But it isn’t. It can’t be. No matter how much we want it to be.”
His words fill me with a dark despair, an empty feeling that lives inside me now, from the second I knew that I was falling in love with him it’s been ever constant. And it’s everything I should be feeling for Javier: for my husband, a man I once loved so much I couldn’t bear to be away from him. But I don’t feel that way about him anymore, I don’t feel those things for him, anymore. I don’t feel anything. Until I’m with Lucca. And then I feel everything.
“Shouldn’t you be getting back to Javier?”
I’m changing the subject as I start stocking the shelves behind the bar, making sure every bottle is fresh and full, I need something to focus on.
“He doesn’t need me right now. He’s at home, he’s safe.”
“There’s no reason for you to be hanging around here, though, is there? Now you know I’m okay.”
“Maybe not. But maybe I want to hang out here, for a little while longer.”
“We don’t need any help.”
I keep my back to him, because if I look at him I don’t know what I’ll do. Being alone with him isn’t a good idea. I’ve spent so long taking so many risks that I’d be willing to take another, if it meant I could touch him again. Kiss him. Hold him…
“Where’s Angel?”
“Don’t worry, he hasn’t neglected his duties. He’s out back having a cigarette. And he’s only doing that because you’re here. He wouldn’t leave me on my own.”
And this constant need to be babysat, I’m suddenly finding it stifling. I never gave it a second thought before, it came with the territory. But now – now it’s suffocating.
I take a deep breath and turn around, and when I look at him all I’m seeing now is a man I can never have. But he’s a man I love. I love him…
You can’t.
But I do…
“Do you still love Javier?” he asks, and I swallow hard and I swear I have to think about that answer. I have to think about it, when once-upon-a-time I would never have dreamt of hesitating. Never.
“I don’t know,” I whisper, and I’m hearing the words, I just can’t believe I’m saying them.
His face clouds over, his ice-blue eyes darkening, because he knows how impossible our situation is. How dangerous it is.
“You knew he was always going to come back, Lucca. You knew, and yet you still let it happen. You and me, you still let that happen.”
“I tried to stop it, Liv.”
“After we’d slept together. And that was too late.”
I know we can’t have this conversation out here, it’s too public. And there are security cameras, ones that Javier can easily get his hands on, should he feel a need to do so, and that’s my paranoia setting in, right there. So we need to stop this. We need to move.
“I have to get something from the office.”
I head toward the office at the back of the restaurant, and I wait, because he’ll follow me. He’s just giving it a moment.
“Close the door.”
He frowns, his hand still clutching the door handle.
“Close the door, Lucca.”
He gently pushes it to, but stays where he is. He’s cautious, as we both should be. For so many reasons we should not be in the same room together, alone.
“I’m scared, Luc.”
“So am I.”
And that’s one hell of an admission from him. Lucca Pérez isn’t scared of anything. Of anyone. Except Javier.
“What do we do?” I whisper, my voice cracking, because I’m tired and confused and I really have no clue where my life is going now.
“I don’t know.” He shakes his head and takes a tentative couple of steps toward me, his hands back in his pockets, as a way of stopping him from touching me?
“I lean back against the desk, my fingers gripping the edges. “You told me we could…”
“Move away? Start again?” He drops his head and I watch as his shoulders sag with the weight of a deep, heavy sigh. “This is a mess, Liv, and we need to find a way to get out of it.”
“You told me you loved me, Lucca. Did you mean it?”
I’m asking him, because I need to know. I need to know what’s happening here, what’s really happening.
“Olivia…”
“When you told me you loved me, did you mean it?”
He steps back, reaches behind him, and pushes the door shut, flicking the lock, before he comes over to me.
“I have loved you for a long time, Olivia. I have loved you for so fucking long, you have no idea.”
I pull myself up onto the desk, and he places his hands on my knees and gently pushes them apart, stepping between my legs. He cups my face, our eyes lock, and the beating of my heart is drowning out any other noise now, it’s all I can hear.
“So yes, when I told you I loved you I meant it. I love you, Olivia Delgado. I love you.”
I look up into his eyes, and I smile, and when he kisses me I let the world drift away for a second, but we both know this is nothing more than a moment in time.
“I love you too,” I whisper, and that’s it. We’ve sealed our fate, right there, we’ve stepped even further over a line we should never have crossed in the first place, and what happens next is all on us. The consequences, whatever they turn out to be, they’ll be our fault. “So tell me what we do now.”
He lets go of me, and he steps back. “We think about it, about what we’re doing here, Liv, because if Javier finds out…”
He doesn’t need to finish that sentence. We both know how it ends.
“Could we really leave all this behind and start again? Somewhere where nobody knows who we are?”
I’m asking a question neither of us can really answer.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you want to leave? Just you and me, with something resembling a future ahead of us? Do you want that, Lucca?”
“Yes, I want that. I want you.”
Trying to convince ourselves that we can forget how we feel, that’s over now. It’s done, I don’t think either of us is willing to live a lie anymore. But what we want, and what we can have are two very different things. And if we really want to be together, we’re going to have to be careful. And patient. And so fucking discreet.
I go over to him, reach up and run my fingertips over his strong, stubbled jawline, cocking my head as I watch them lightly touch his skin. “Are we worth the risk? You and me?”
He grabs my wrist, pulling my hand away from his face, his eyes burning into mine. “I would kill for you, Olivia. Don’t ever doubt that, I would kill for you. For us.”
I believe him.
Because, one day, that’s exactly what it might come down to…
Javier
I’ve asked Celine to prepare some of our favorite dishes, and to set up the terrace overlooking the ocean for a special dinner tonight. And I know Olivia hasn’t always been a candles and fairy-lights kind of woman, she doesn’t do all that overly romantic stuff, and neither do I, but maybe a little of that won’t hurt tonight.
Lucca returned a short while ago, told me Olivia is okay, she just needed to let off some steam, and that’s settled my nerves. Yeah. The only person who can make me nervous is my wife, I’m not ashamed to say her reaction to my re
turn has scared me. It’s knocked me off balance slightly because, yes, I was expecting her to run into my arms and weep with joy that her prayers have been answered, but instead she’s become increasingly distant. Angry. Upset. I underestimated how this was going to affect her, how much she’d move on without me there, and I really am regretting what I had to do now. It’s benefited the business, there’s no doubt about that, but it’s damaged my marriage. Possibly beyond repair, and that’s what tonight is all about – trying to find a way to fix us. Bring us closer. Get back to what – who we were before I had to leave. Because I’m not prepared to lose her. I’m not, losing her.
I wander into the kitchen and smile at Celine as she bustles around, stirring pots and slicing bell peppers, and I stand still for a moment and take in the delicious smells that are filling the air: freshly baked pastries and pies, spicy chicken stew, bread straight out of the oven.
“Oh, I missed this, so much!”
Celine grins back at me, and offers up a plate filled with some of that fresh bread, alongside a small taster dish of the chicken stew. “Try this. See if it’s how you remember it.”
I take the plate from her and lean back against the counter as I dip the bread into the stew and taste it, and it’s exactly as I remember it. Better, even.
“This is wonderful!”
My praise is met with a wider grin, and I try another mouthful. The flavors are intense, the spice Celine uses giving just the right amount of heat without overpowering the dish.
“I missed cooking for you, Javier. Although, Lucca and the rest of the boys, they have big enough appetites to keep me busy. When they remember to eat, that is.”
“What about Olivia?”
Celine frowns. “What about her?”
I set the dish down on the counter and drop my head, smiling slightly. “Did she miss me, Celine?”
“Of course she missed you!”
Celine’s tone is verging on mock-scolding, almost as if she thinks it incredulous that I could even imagine Olivia would feel any other way.
“There wasn’t a day went by when she didn’t talk about you. She’d come into my kitchen and we’d remember you with stories or look through old photographs, but she always had a sadness behind her eyes, a pain that never seemed to lessen.”
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