Beautiful Dangerous

by Michelle Betham

  “No. we didn’t.”

  “Did you never wonder what it would be like, to be a mother?”

  Yes. For a moment, earlier, at the beach, watching that little family, but the child I’d imagined having was Lucca’s. Not Javier’s.

  “It’s never been something I’ve really wanted.”

  And that’s true. It wasn’t. I’m still not sure that it is.

  He smiles, his eyes locking on mine, and I hope to god he can’t see the nerves I’m trying so hard to keep hidden. The fear of the truth coming out surrounds me constantly, and I can only pray that nothing shows on my face; that my emotions stay under control.

  “I want us to – to almost start again, Olivia. You and I. That’s why I think we should renew our wedding vows, let everyone know how we still feel about each other, that we’re ready to begin a whole new chapter of our lives. I want that very much.”

  I should’ve known he was never going to let this go. But the fact he’s now throwing children into the mix, that’s another complication I can do without. I want a new start too, I really do, I just don’t think… No. I know I don’t want that with Javier. I want to start again, I want a brand new life, but I want all of that with Lucca.

  “Javier, I…”

  I can’t get any words out, they won’t come. They’re stuck in my throat like a stubborn chunk of food that refuses to be swallowed. And he reaches for my hand again, but this time when he touches me I want to pull away, but I can’t. I can’t do that.

  “I understand that all this talk of renewing vows and having children, it must feel quite overwhelming for you.”

  “It is.” It’s suffocating. I can feel my throat tightening by the second.

  “And I know you think I should be more aware of what you’re feeling, it’s just that, I had a lot of time to think when I was away…”

  “But I didn’t, Javier. I had no time.”

  He squeezes my hand, probably a little too tightly. “We don’t have a lot of it left, Olivia. Time. If we want to start a family we need to be thinking about doing that sooner rather than later.”

  My skin prickles at the insinuation that I’m getting older, in childbearing terms, even though it’s the truth. But until today it hadn’t mattered. Hadn’t even crossed my mind.

  “I’ve only just turned forty. We don’t need to rush into this.”

  He smiles at me, and my stomach twists itself up into a tight and painful knot, and I’m aware that I’m scrunching my napkin up into a ball in my fist, but I don’t want this. I don’t want vow renewals and I certainly don’t want a baby.

  You don’t want Javier’s baby.

  No.

  I don’t…

  “I’m so sorry I missed your birthday, Olivia.”

  “It wasn’t the same, without you there.”

  He smiles again, carefully prising the fingers of my other hand open and taking the scrunched up napkin from my unfurled fist.

  “We need to find a way to put all this pain behind us, mi amor. This life, it isn’t always fair, and it doesn’t always play by the rules, but you knew that when you decided to live it. You knew that.”

  This is his way of dissolving any blame he might think I’m placing on him. His way of subtly shifting the guilt onto me, I knew this kind of shit could happen, right? So stop whining about it. That’s what he’s really saying. The true meaning behind that beautiful smile.

  “But it all worked out in the end, Olivia. The cartel got what it wanted, and I got to come back home. We should be celebrating!”

  We’ve already had a party.

  We’ve already celebrated.

  Now it’s time to pick apart the shit his disappearance created, and see what the real consequences are.

  “I think we should have our vow renewal ceremony right here, on the terrace, overlooking the ocean.” He sits back in his seat, picks up his glass of wine, and takes a sip, his gaze flitting around the pretty little corner he’s created for us here. “At sunset.” His eyes shift back to me, and he smiles again, the same smile I’d once loved. A smile that could floor me from a distance, it’s making me all kinds of nervous now. Because I can’t stop thinking about Lucca, and I’m terrified that my expression; the briefest flicker of something in my eyes, I’m scared it’ll give something away, a clue to what’s really going on in my messed-up head. “And then we can party into the night.”

  I can’t say anything, my mouth is too dry, and I reach for my glass of wine and take a long sip. The alcohol’s going straight to my head, which is dangerous, inhibitions go down with alcohol, and I can’t afford for that to happen. But I can’t tell him what he wants to hear, I just can’t do it.

  “You’ve seemed so very far away,” he whispers, leaning forward, his hand still holding mine. “So distant.”

  “There’s been a lot to take in, Javier.”

  “I understand.” He brings my hand to his lips, his mouth brushing my knuckles before he lets it go, and sits back. “I’m probably putting too much on you too early. But there are things we need to talk about, Olivia.”

  Every word he utters feels like a veiled threat, and I know that’s just my paranoia setting in, but I also know this man. I know what he’s capable of, and all of a sudden that terrifies me. And I know what I have to do now, to prolong this charade for as long as I have to. If I want any chance of a future with Lucca, then I have to continue playing a role I’ve outgrown, but I’m stuck with it. For now.

  “I know. And we will, we’ll talk. But not tonight, okay? We’ve done enough talking for one day, don’t you think?”

  He arches a brow, the corner of his mouth lifting in a hopeful smirk. “What else do you have in mind?”

  I smile at him, and I hope it reaches my eyes, but the look on his face tells me it has. His expression softens, and when he kisses me I try to push Lucca to the back of my mind and focus totally on him. Because I have to. I have to.

  “I’m not really hungry anymore,” I whisper, and as much as I don’t want to do this, pushing him away isn’t something I can carry on doing, he’s my husband. “Are you?”

  He shakes his head, and I feel my stomach hit the floor, even though I knew this was going to happen. Of course it was going to happen!

  “Then let’s leave dessert until later.”

  He gets up, takes my hand, and pulls me up out of my seat, sweeping me into my arms, and it really is like living a scene from an overly romantic movie. The darkly dangerous, handsome hero sweeping his beautiful wife off her feet. And into his bed…

  Close your eyes and imagine it’s Lucca.

  It’s the only way you’re going to get through this…

  “We have so much to look forward to, Olivia.”

  His words send a cold shiver tearing through me but I have to stay strong. Do what is expected of me. Act like the Olivia I was before he disappeared. But the woman he came back to, she really is a very different person.

  Lucca

  I don’t know how many times I’ve paced the length of this room; stopped to watch from the window and feel my heart ache with shit I never wanted to feel, things that can destroy a person, that’s why I’d always tried to shut any emotion down, anything that made me feel something, I didn’t welcome it. But I feel it all, for Olivia Delgado.

  Knowing she’s out there, with him, planning a future – he’s going to tell her they’re renewing their wedding vows, and the thought of having to watch her marry him a second time… Yeah. I have been in love with Olivia since before she married Javier. I’ve carried that secret around with me for so long, hoping it would eventually become something that would fade away, that what I felt for her would disappear, but it never did. Instead it grew and deepened and when Javier told me what he was planning, that he was going to fake his own death in order for us to bring down the Pino Cartel; when he told me I would have to keep Olivia close, stay with her on an almost constant basis, that’s when I knew that ev
erything I was trying to pretend didn’t exist, it was going to become very real. And much harder to ignore.

  Pouring myself another whiskey – I don’t know how many I’ve had tonight, I’ve lost count – I go back over to the window and stare outside. They look like they’re about to leave, to come back inside, are they going to bed…?

  Downing my drink in one, I feel my fingers tighten around the empty glass, and I let go of it before it shatters in my hand, the thick gray carpet preventing it from smashing into pieces. Like my fucking heart.

  Dragging a hand back through my hair I walk away from the window, I can’t look anymore. She has to do what she has to do, in order to keep him happy. But knowing she’s with him, that he’s touching her in a way I only got the briefest taste of, it fucking hurts.

  I need to get away from here. For a little while. I just need some space, and Javier isn’t going to need me tonight, so I take the car, even though I’ve had way more than one drink too many, and I drive to the Devil’s Creed compound.

  There’s a party going on when I get there, a gathering of fellow bikers, their allies and brothers, but I know I’ll be welcome. I used to be one of them, and you never really walk away from this life. You never really can. Yeah. Tonight, this is where I need to be.

  “Hey, brother, what you doing here?”

  Angel’s outside the clubhouse, drinking beer and eating what looks like a ridiculously oversized steak sandwich with a mess of fried onions spilling out from all sides.

  “I needed some time out. I’m not needed over there.”

  He looks at me, and I frown.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. Do you want a drink?”

  “Yeah. Whiskey. Bring the bottle.”

  He raises an eyebrow, and hands me the sandwich. “Alright. I hear you. Try some of this steak, it’s incredible! Pablo’s dad’s just opened a butcher’s shop on Fourth Street, and he’s given us a meat hamper. Hence this get together. We need to use it up before it goes off.”

  “A meat party, huh?” The corners of my mouth turn upwards, I feel better already just being away from the estate.

  “Something like that. Back in a second.”

  I sit down on the table, resting my feet on the bench as I bite into the sandwich, and isn’t until I start chewing the super-tender meat that I realize how hungry I actually am. I can’t remember the last time I ate anything, I’ve been living on whiskey and water and not much else for what feels like days now.

  “There you go.”

  Angel sits down next to me and hands me a bottle of Jack Daniels.

  “No glass?” I ask, arching a brow and he grins.

  “Not sure you needed one.”

  “I don’t.” I rip off the top and down a long mouthful before offering it to Angel, who holds up a hand and shakes his head.

  “No, brother, that one’s all yours. Looks like you need it.”

  He gives me that look again, and I frown. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “Like what?” Angel asks, picking up his beer and sinking about a quarter of it in one go.

  “Like you’re pitying me or something.”

  He stares out ahead of him, and for a moment or two he stays silent.

  “Angel?”

  “Olivia talks to me, Lucca.” He turns his head to face me, and I’m not getting a good feeling about this.

  “About what?”

  His eyes hold mine, and he waits another beat or two before he speaks again. “About you, and her.”

  Shit!

  “She shouldn’t be telling you anything.”

  Because we need another person added to the mix, just to complicate matters more.

  “You shouldn’t be involved.” I take another swig of whiskey, feeling the warm liquid coat my throat as it travels down to my belly.

  “I’m already involved, I was involved the second I mentioned it to Olivia.”

  “I’m sorry, you mentioned it to Olivia? How did you know…?”

  “I didn’t, know. I guessed.”

  Was it that fucking obvious? Jesus Christ, it can’t be that obvious…

  “What did she tell you?” Because I have to ask. I have to know.

  Angel shrugs, lights up a cigarette, and blows a plume of smoke up into the night sky. “That you and her slept together. That she loves you.” He stares out ahead of him again, at the party going on all around us, the compound lit up by a small bonfire over by the work shop and huge lanterns strung from various posts and tree branches. “That you love her.”

  I sigh quietly, dropping my head, my fingers clutching the neck of the whiskey bottle. “I do. Love her.”

  “She told me you guys want to be together.”

  “Jesus…” I throw my head back, and the urge to let out a howl of frustrated despair is almost too much to hold down, but I manage to keep it inside. Just.

  “Look, I know I’m probably overstepping the mark here, but, like I said, she talks to me. She trusts me, Lucca. And right now, that’s big, because she sure as hell don’t trust no-one else.”

  “She shouldn’t trust anyone.”

  “Even you? Even Javier? Should she trust him?”

  “I’m not having this conversation.” I make a move to go, climbing down from the table, still clutching the bottle of Jack Daniels. I’ll finish that off later, somewhere, but I know I’m not going back to the Delgado estate, not yet.

  “I want to help you, Luc. You, and Olivia.”

  I stop, and I turn around, and I fix him with a look that tells him I think he’s crazy. He’s fucking out of his mind to even think about getting involved in this. He’s already in way deeper than he should be.

  “Why the hell would you want to help us?”

  “Because life’s too fucking short to live one you’re not happy in.”

  Am I in some kind of alternate universe here or what? “I’m sorry, I’m fucking confused, I mean, when did you suddenly start caring about other people’s relationships?”

  Angel gets up and comes over to me, and I’m just not getting this. At all.

  “I care about Olivia. And you’re a true brother, Lucca. You’re one of us.”

  “Why would you want to do something that puts you at this kind of risk? We shouldn’t even be talking about this… Have you said anything to anybody else?”

  “No. And I don’t intend to. You can trust me, Lucca. I mean that.”

  I’m shaking my head because I can’t understand why anyone would want to do this. What help can he give us anyway? It’s not like Olivia and me can just walk away from this world, it isn’t as easy as that. “You must have some kind of death wish, bro.”

  He shrugs. “What can I say? I like taking risks.”

  I sit back down, take another swig of whiskey, and drop my head, closing my eyes. I’m so fucking tired, exhaustion’s sweeping over me, it’s like every night I went without sleep is suddenly catching up with me now.

  “She shouldn’t have involved you,” I sigh, raising my head and glancing around, I don’t want anyone else within earshot of this conversation.

  “She needs someone to offload on.”

  “And you’re the perfect choice, huh?”

  We look at each other, and we smile, and it feels good to laugh a little, even though I’m in the midst of betraying a man I considered to be my brother in all but name. A dangerous man. A man I would’ve took a bullet for, until I fell in love with his wife…

  “I didn’t want to love her.” I’ve never talked like this, never been open with anyone, and that’s because I’ve never really had the kind of friends you could have those conversations with.

  “Sometimes shit happens that we have no control over,” Angel sighs, leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he stares out ahead. “And you just gotta make that decision. Take that chance.”

  “It’s not that easy.” The more I talk about it, the more I say the
words that make this all real, the more crazy it sounds. The more impossible it becomes. “Nothing about this is easy. But the only way Olivia and I could ever be together is if we get out of here, and how do we do that, huh?” I look at Angel, and I think he gets what I’m saying. He understands the shit this could cause. “Javier will find out, what we did. He may already know, and if he does...”

  I don’t need to finish that sentence. He already knows the answer.

  I rake a hand through my hair and let out a heavily weighted sigh. “I have no clue what might happen over the next few days or weeks, she might even decide that now he’s back, she needs to stay with him. He’s talking about renewing their vows, Angel. A second fucking wedding, and I saw what he did first time around, remember? I saw how he reeled her in, made her fall in love with him, he could do that again. How do I know that what she tells me she feels for me – how do I know that isn’t just something brought on by her need to move on after Javier? By her missing Javier? I was the closest thing to him, wasn’t I? Is that why she gravitated toward me, because I was the closest thing she had to Javier? And now the man himself is back…” I shrug, and pour more whiskey down my throat. “I might have already served my purpose.”

  “You’re just feeling sorry for yourself now. And you never struck me as the pity-party type.”

  I’m not, usually. Life’s fucking unfair, I’ve always known that, but for once in my messed-up life I’ve decided to fight for something that I once thought could never be mine. And I’m sick of that shit now, why can’t she be mine?

  “You need to talk to her, Luc.”

  “I told you, it isn’t that easy.”

  Careful, you’re close to falling back into that well of self-pity now…

  “You’re going to have to find a way, Lucca. This is some serious shit you got yourself into, but if you two want to be together, if you really want to be together – man, that’s something you guys are going to have to talk about.”