All His Secrets (Manhattan Misters Book 1)

by Maya Hughes

  As for Rhys, I didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t going to let me waltz into the apartment and tell him what I found out, but I didn’t know what I could do to help. Just a few months ago the apartment was a place I’d been afraid to set foot in, unsure of how it would all work and here I was, exactly where I feared I’d be. I knew it would end. I knew it wouldn’t last, but I’d let myself live in that fairytale land where someone like Rhys and I could be happy together. Me, Rhys, and Esme, together. A family. And just like before it had all been taken away from me.

  The next few days were torturous. Reporters swarmed the building. There was news on the horizon, a leak about a big story, but no one had the specifics. I watched Esme play in her room, little elf ears pretending her chairs were reindeer. It was only a few days before Christmas. She kept asking where Mel was. When they were going to bake cookies. I didn’t know how to tell her. I couldn’t form the words in my own head, let alone say them out loud. But she was gone and I couldn’t let her back into our lives, no matter how much it hurt. The raw, angry hurt that I didn’t know if I’d ever recover from.

  From the moment they laid Esme in my arms I knew. Not my blood, but she was mine all the same. I made that choice. I saw the pictures of Beth together with Allan. We’d only slept together once before she got pregnant, but I was so ready to have a family. A real family. I wanted to make it work that I turned a blind eye when I shouldn’t have and that was the burden I had to bear. It wasn’t until the blood test that the bomb I’d been able to avoid for most of her life imploded in my face. Then my plans for life after my inheritance changed.

  I’d tell her someday soon, but it would be on our terms, not Killian’s or Allan’s, but ours. I knew what was best for her. She was my daughter. I’d thought about running. Running away with her. But we wouldn’t get far, not with my face, not with my reputation, and I didn’t want to have to take her from everything she knew.

  My lawyers were working on getting everything together. Stalling the paternity test. We’d require a court order to make that happen. I’d keep her safe, no matter what. Mel should be here at my side, helping me figure this out. She’d showed me what it was like to have someone there. What Esme was like with a mom in her life. How could she have done this to us?

  33

  Mel

  For the first time in my life I had some money in my pocket. I wasn’t worried about where I’d get my next meal, where I would sleep, or what my next job would be. I could stand on my own two feet. The dull ache living in my chest, pressing against my heart, turned into a sharp stabbing pain when Rhys and Esme crossed my mind. As long as I didn’t let them in for too long, it only took my breath away for a few seconds. Not every minute of every day like it had in the beginning.

  Christmas had come and gone. I’d been so looking forward to my first one with those two. My presents for Esme had been mailed to my new apartment. The tears that constantly prickled the backs of my eyes spilled over then. He wouldn’t even let her have my present. Did she think I’ve abandoned her? That I’ve left without a word? I never thought I could hate him, but I did as I clutched the pretty pink sparkly wrapping paper in my hands.

  It had been the first Christmas in a long time I looked forward to, but I’d made due with what remained. I had enough money in my bank account to start over. Living in the penthouse meant I didn’t have many expenses, other than some new clothes. I’d saved almost all I’d made in the time I was there. I wrote letters to Esme every day. I tried to call, but every single call went unanswered. I even showed up at the building a few times before security had been informed I wasn’t allowed within fifty feet of the entrance.

  I held myself back from going to her school. I didn’t want to cause a scene. I didn’t want to traumatize her. The temptation was heavy. I had to occupy myself when I knew school let out, so I didn’t find myself waiting across the street for her.

  I wrote Killian a check for the money he deposited into my account. I slammed it down on his secretary’s desk before rushing out of there. I did not want to have another run-in with him. I still couldn’t believe someone could be so callous and vindictive.

  Derek dropped my stuff off at my new apartment I shared with four girls. The rent was manageable and the girls were nice. They were in graduate school or working. Their laughs and nights out made me envy the carefree way they moved through life. Not a care in the world. I stayed in my room and studied for my GED. It took me less than a month to pass it. I’d been so happy, I wanted someone to share it with, but there was no one. I had no one again. It seemed I was destined to only be part of a family for a short time. A glimpse before I was shuffled back out into the cold.

  I signed up for online college classes until I figured out what I wanted to do. I painted on a smile day after day and prayed that one day it would be real. It was everything I’d ever wanted, my independence, so why did I stay awake at night, staring at the ceiling wondering how it all went wrong? Was Esme getting enough stories before bed? Was Rhys able to sleep or was he back to doing laps in the pool night after night?

  I’d been so afraid and ashamed to tell Rhys the truth about me, about my life that I’d lost them both. But he was so quick to jump to thinking the worst of me. That’s what hurt the most. After everything we’d been through, he didn’t trust me. I hadn’t seen him since that day. The day everything went to shit. I’d texted every day since I left for the first month. My fingers itched to text after that. I told him everything. How he ripped my guts out that day. A searing, all-encompassing pain that radiated through my whole body when he stared at me. Like I was capable of something so horrible.

  He hadn’t trusted me that night on the balcony, he hadn’t trusted me in the park and he hadn’t trusted me when the money showed up in my account. How many more times will it take before it’s the final straw? I couldn’t take that chance again. I couldn’t be with him knowing that at any moment the other shoe might drop. That I might end up even worse off than I was now. What was worse was he wouldn’t let me say goodbye to Esme. I didn’t know if I could ever forgive that. At least now I had my dignity, well, some of it, but would I have it in six months or a year? I’d come begging him on my hands and knees to believe me every time he thought the worst.

  No, I had to stop it now. I deleted the number I’d committed to memory from my phone and I needed to leave it. I’d said everything there was to say. Maybe Esme would find me when she was older. She’d always have a place in my heart.

  Days turned to weeks and then it was a month since I’d left, well, been kicked out. There hadn’t been anything in the news about a custody battle. He’d managed to keep things under wraps somehow. He always found a way, didn’t he?

  The pictures and drawing from Esme in the dresser drawer in my room were the hardest. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I prayed she didn’t think I’d abandoned her. He should have known that would be a knife through my heart. No pictures of her opening her presents at Christmas. Not getting to sit there with a mug of hot chocolate while she opened the gifts I’d picked out for her. I wanted to sit her on my lap, wrapped in our blanket, and read those books to her.

  January was even worse than usual. The holiday hangover meant everyone trudged through life, waiting for the first signs of life. The first moment when the sun peeked through the clouded dreariness and the rays of spring felt within reach. Those days weren’t there yet. The slush and grime were back after the decorations came down and I went on, trying to make it through one day at a time. I grabbed a cup of coffee from my favorite shop, my weekly treat, and sat at the window. People watching had become my new favorite pastime. I never seemed to slow down enough to just observe before. I was always running from table to table, interview to interview, disaster to disaster. Here I could sit and pretend I was someone else for a while.

  A headline on the paper someone left behind caught my eye.

  Dead. Overdose. The words didn’t compute in my mind. It took a long time rolling them over
before it made sense. He was dead. Allan was dead. The tightness in my chest relaxed for a second and I could breathe again. I felt horrible that I celebrated the death of a human being, but knowing that Esme wouldn’t have to go through some horrendous court battle or run into him again made me go ‘fuck it.’ The fact he was still using only meant things would have been that much worse for her.

  The hustle of the coffee shop did nothing to distract me from the story. He’d died in an apartment owned by Killian Thorne. Killian hadn’t been there, but it mentioned they’d grown up near one another. I thought back to our conversation in his office. He said he’d handle it. Was this his way? After everything he’d done to completely destroy everything Rhys worked for, was he willing to kill to correct his mistake?

  I breathed a sigh of relief knowing Esme would be safe with Rhys. No one would be coming to take her away. As much as it hurt knowing he hadn’t trusted me, at least she wouldn’t have to go through something worse than I had. I ran my knuckles against the ache in my chest. The tightness ebbed a tiny bit.

  My phone vibrated on the table beside me. The notification blinked in and out. It was a video message from Rhys. My fingers shook as I picked up the phone. My eyes didn’t quite believe what I was seeing. I gathered up my things and raced back to the apartment. Closing my bedroom door behind me, I sat on my bed, knees tucked up to my chest. With fingers of icy dread curled around my stomach I pressed play.

  He looked like I felt. Dark bags under his eyes and stubble for days. It looked like he hadn’t shaved in a while.

  “I’ve been trying to give you space, Mel. Trying not to push you to do what I want.” His voice rolled over me and I had to close my eyes. I didn’t know if I was strong enough for this. “I don’t want you to come back to me because you feel you have no other choice. I want you to come back because you can’t go on without me. Without us. We miss you.”

  He rubbed his hand over his face, his scratchy beard coming through on the video. He missed me now, but what about the next time? What about the next time something bad happened? Would I be kicked out again? Being ripped away from them once hurt so much. I couldn’t put myself through that again. My heart thundered in my chest.

  “I know there’s not much I can say to make this better, but I’m sorry, Mel. I’m sorry and I miss you. Esme misses you. This place isn’t the same without you. But I understand I screwed up and I understand if you don’t believe me anymore. I didn’t want to corner you, but I can’t walk away from you without saying this.” His Adam’s apply bobbed up and down.

  “I love you, Mel. Come back to me.” The door to the apartment opened. Laughter and talking filtered in through my closed door. Life went on. Like I wasn’t sitting here on my bed trying to hold myself together. Trying to be strong in the face of something I hadn’t experienced. Someone coming back for me.

  Tears spilled down my cheeks and I couldn’t wipe them away fast enough. The words I’d longed to hear. The words I thought would save me before and here they were. His face blurred as I clutched the phone against my chest, sobs breaking free as I muffled the sound to keep my roommates from hearing me. They already thought of me as the shut-in. I didn’t need them thinking of me as the basket case as well.

  He kicked me out. He wouldn’t let me contact Esme. What would happen the next time he didn’t believe me and I was in even deeper than I already was? I’d had my heart broken too many times. I couldn’t just go back. I couldn’t trust that it wouldn’t happen again. I couldn’t.

  34

  Rhys

  I was barely keeping it together. The last few weeks were like being strapped into a rocket headed straight to hell. My nightmares were back in full force when I managed to close my eyes long enough to sleep.

  Every day Esme went to school I feared she wouldn’t come back to me. The temptation was so strong to keep her tucked in beside me. Her sadness that Mel was gone was palpable. I didn’t know what to do. Everything happened all at once. Killian showing up, Rachel betraying me, and then the money in Mel’s bank account. I hadn’t wanted to believe it, but were my feelings interfering with my ability to see what was really going on? Had I fallen into a trap or made the biggest mistake of my life?

  The horizon looked darker than ever. I was hurtling toward the earth from 20,000 feet, bracing for impact and then a parachute appearing out of nowhere to save me. Allan was dead. He’d died of an overdose. With his history, it was an open and shut case. The paternity test had been drawn out, using every stalling technique possible to keep it from happening. So as far as anyone knew, he’d been a junkie looking for some quick cash by making baseless accusations against an upstanding member of society.

  The minute my lawyers told me he was dead I was in shock. I staggered down the hall to Esme’s room and gathered her tiny sleeping frame up in my arms and held her tight. The tears I’d willed back for as long as I could remember came spilling out. I tucked her head under my chin and rocked her back and forth like I’d done all those years ago when she was so tiny in my hands in the hospital. The danger was over. No one would take her from me now.

  And as happy as it made me, there was still a part of me that was hollow without Mel. I wanted her there with us to celebrate Christmas and New Year’s. The gift that showed up downstairs had sent the crack in my heart splitting even deeper. A sting of betrayal at her handwritten note folded on top of the box had made me lash out. The magnitude of my fuck up made it hard to breathe.

  I wanted our family dinners to be filled with old dinner stories and laughter. And more than anything I wanted to wrap my arms around her and breathe her in at night because I knew when she was close, the nightmares of my past melted away into the dreams of my future.

  I’d let Killian turn me against the one person I should have protected. The board elections threw me off and I didn’t see how little that mattered. How little the money mattered when my little girl’s fate hung in the balance. I expected the next blow to come. The next challenge, but the board election dates came and went without a word from him. No bombshell revelation. No eleventh hour surprises. The boards all voted to reelect me and my birthday came and went. Everything I’d ever wanted laid out in front of me. The full inheritance, over a billion dollars at my fingertips, and it all paled when I ran my hand over the empty bed beside me. Cold and smooth instead of a warm, rumpled mess that sometimes elbowed me in the head during the night.

  Every time Esme asked for Mel it was another slice to my heart. I’d driven her away. How do I make this right? My final last ditch effort video message seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. I needed her. We needed her and I didn’t want to do this on my own anymore and I didn’t want to be with anyone else but her.

  Now that I could breathe again, it was time to finally settle everything with my parents’ estate and start the plans I’d had in mind for a long time. The big plans that would finally give me my own freedom, but now none of that mattered anymore. My anger at my parents was still there, simmering, but paled in comparison to what I’d lost now. I left the lawyers’ office late that evening heading to a nearly midnight dinner with the legal team. Esme hung out with Derek, who turned out to be a much more competent babysitter than I imagined. Seeing him decked out with a tiara and his nails painted hot pink was enough to make me think his assignment might need permanent reshuffling. It wasn’t like we’d need a security detail for much longer.

  I needed a drink, so why not have one on their dime. It wasn’t like I had anything to go back to in the apartment. Esme would be asleep by the time I got back. I rode over with one of the senior partners. Addison was a cut-throat ballbuster, which was why I’d hired her in the first place. Men often underestimated her because she was beautiful, but I hadn’t. I’d seen her chew people up and spit them out on more than one occasion.

  As we stepped out of the car, I stepped into a giant icy puddle right outside the door. The frigid water seeped into my shoes. Addison stepped out and I put my hand along her back to guide h
er away from the water. I was sure her shoes cost a hell of a lot more than mine. A laughing group of women came toward me, dressed for going out. Addison smiled and thanked me, tugging her coat around her tighter. The group was only a few feet from us now. There were legs for days, but the only legs that mattered were the ones that belonged to Mel, walking toward me. I stopped like the sidewalk turned to ice and froze my feet there.

  Mel stopped and the group around her paused to see what happened. My eyes were riveted to her. Soaking her in. It had been so long since I’d seen her in person. I tried to pry her address from Derek. I knew he dropped off her things, but he was enragingly tight-lipped. She looked beautiful. Her hair fell in soft waves around her face, the ends tucked into her coat collar. I wanted to run my fingers through her curls and pull them free from the coat and let them run wild like they always did. Addison and the girls with Mel looked back and forth between us.

  “I’ll see you inside, Rhys,” Addison said, tapping on my arm before heading into the restaurant.

  “Mel, you okay?” one of her friends said, looking from her to me.

  Mel nodded as she glanced to her friend.

  “I…I’m fine. Go ahead and I’ll catch up, okay?” she said, small puffs of her breath forming in front of her face. The group left, glancing back at us the whole way I took a couple of steps before her. I approached her like a rabbit I was afraid would scamper off if I moved too quickly.

  “Hi,” she said, running her fingers over her mouth before glancing up at me.

  “Hi,” I said, every word I imagined I’d have to say to her in person gone. I was like a blank slate and everything I’d thought about over the past month died in my throat.