Nelson Branco's SOAP OPERA UNCENSORED: Issue 52
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Tomlin admits to SOAP OPERA DIGEST that he’s a gay vampire.
• Lucas supports Donald Trump for a Presidential run in 2016. “Our hair will save the world,” he promises.
• E.J. stars in a music video produced by Y&R’s Devon.
• Marlena freaks when Kristen uses her picture in her Twitter avatar.
• James E. Reilly comes back from the dead, too, saving DAYS from cancellation. Hey, it’s the show’s only hope. Naturally, it’s revealed John is really a woman. And Kristen and Marlena fall in love. It’s the best story in the show’s history.
• Chandler Massey comes out of the closet.
• Hope leaves town to find Bo, who is now a vegan in Venice.
• Ken Corday steps down… from one of his many vacation binges.
• Desperate, Victoria Rowell joins DAYS as Stefano’s evil twin sister, Secret DiMera. Deidre Hall spits on her.
• Hogan Sheffer is re-named DAYS new head writer. When he arrives on set, he accidentally kills everyone on set when he farts.
• Nicole and Eric get back together… and she gives birth to a stillborn bird and thorn.
• Nick comes out of the closet. Gabi says, “D’oh! Not again!”
• Sonny loses 25 pounds.
• Judi Evans remains DAYS’s most underrated actress.
GENERAL HOSPITAL — You’re Getting A Back-From-The-Dead Car; You’re Getting a Back-From-The-Dead Car; You’re Getting a Back-From-The-Dead Car; Everyone’s Back From The Dead!
Says head scribe Ron Carlivati, “October was kind of a November sweeps in a lot of ways with the return of Duke, the reunion of JaSam, the reveal about the baby, Sonny’s wedding. Our challenge was, ‘How can we make November just as exciting, if not more?’ And I humbly would like to think that we’ve succeeded!”
• A.J. has sex with Kristina and lets Alexis and Sonny listen on the phone.
• Duke turns out to be Bob Guza. He kills Alexis. And deflates her boobs.
• It’s revealed Dr. David Hayward brought everyone back from the dead. He reunites with Anna.
• Anna finally settles on one hair colour.
• Liz and Patrick have sex just as Robin returns back from the dead.
• Gloria Monty returns back from the dead.
• Jonathan Jackson returns as Lucky.
• Nathan Parson comes back, too!
• Robert exposes Duke as Faison! He and Anna reunite until he has to return to Genoa City.
• Vanessa Marcil returns back from her dead career.
• Scott Reeves is fired.
• Robin Mattson accidentally eats Roger Howarth.
• Finally given a story, Leslie Charleson actually shows up on set sober.
• Lexi Ainsworth reclaims her role as Lexie.
• Jen Lilley kills Frank Valentini.
• It’s revealed that Jason Morgan is hiding in Carly’s hair.
• In order prove Cartini values GH’s history, Luke rapes Lulu.
• Genie Francis returns to GH.
• Liz learns she pregnant with Jason’s baby!
• Michael is reunited with his true love when Carter returns back from the dead (as played by Josh Kelly). Sorry, Josh Wingate!
• Cole and Hope are alive — because no one is dead in Port Chuck.
• Robin Strasser holds the show hostage until GH hires her on as Dorian. It works.
• Olivia begins seeing dead people — literally. First? Her soap career.
• Lulu becomes less annoying. OK — That’s not happening.
• In GH’s first social issue storyline since Cartini took over, Lulu can’t deal with Dante’s gigantic, uncircumcised penis and divorces him. The show wins a David Fumero Uncircumcised Rights Charity Award.
• Trey leaves town when he is recast as the Beast in BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.
THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS — Is it January Yet?
“November is a month chock-filled with family betrayals, corporate wars, romantic sacrifices, personal redemptions and new loves born while old ones die,” shares head writer Josh Griffith.
• Phyllis colours her hair blonde.
• Noah blinks himself to death.
• The Genoa City Police Department crack their first case when they find Dru’s remains. The investigating officer? Shemar Moore. “Yep, she’s dead. Like, deader than Lindsay Lohan’s career,” he states. “And, by the way, she’s not even black!”
• Nick enters Gloworm’s first annual Big Dick contest — and he wins in more ways than one!
• Totally irrelevant, Victor gets into a Twitter war with himself.
• Tucker and Jill fall back in love. They leave town together.
• Victoria Rowell’s head spins 360 degrees and screams, “Sony’s mother sucks cock!”
• Kassie DePaiva assumes the role of Ashley Abbott! People are freaked when Ashley develops Asian tendencies.
• Michelle Stafford loses her shit when Avery becomes pregnant with Nick’s child. “I stole Nick from Sharon, first, damn it,” screams Phyllis.
• Hurricane Sharon dismembers Adam’s hair.
• Billy leaves town to enter rehab.
• Totally healthy, Jack learns his penis will never work again. Sarge works his magic. A super couple is born — and, somewhere in Heaven, James Mitchell smiles.
• Phyllis finally goes to jail when she kills JFP.
• Lily shows up to Jabot two days late… with an Emmy.
• Gina Tognoni assumes the role of Victoria.
News & Views
SOAPILEAKS
This Week’s Hottest News, Gossip, and Reviews!
THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL, CTV/CBS — It’s JACQUI, Bitches!
• Here’s a preview of B&B: “Heather Tom is fantastic, absolutely,” says an insider. “Wait till you see the build of her story against Stephanie's death. Killer.”
Is Felicia coming back? The mole says, “You don't have to threaten self-mutilation on my account — I am one of Lesli Kay's biggest fans and agitate constantly for her.”
Don’t worry — Stephanie’s epic send-off will be one of the ages. “We all have our heart and soul in Stephanie's send-off, and thankfully she's allowed us the time to play it out right,” he/she continues.
But, please, tell me Brooke is the main focus of the B&B — and not Hope/Liam/Steffy. The insider promises, “All I'll say is keep watching KKL and you'll be following the money.”
Ca-ching.
• As I recently learned, do not refer to Jacqueline MacInnes Wood as “Jackie.” An insider reminded me recently, “It’s Jacqui."
• Congrats to Heather Tom, who finally gave birth to her first baby, son Zane, this weekend — just as her character was winning the actress her fifth Emmy!
• What a triumphant week for B&B! More, please! Along with Winsor Harmon’s heartbreaking performance, the show was on point all week. What pisses me off most about watching excellent weeks of soap like this on B&B is that it proves the show knows how to produce enveloping drama when it wants to — but most times, it chooses not to. Ugh. Don’t fuck this up, B&B, because I’m at my limit. DO NOT confuse your “successful” Liam/Hope/Steffy trifecta with the fact that your ratings increased because AMC/ONE LIFE viewers migrated over to your network. Ask THE TALK.
DAYS OF OUR LIVES, GLOBAL/NBC — More Sweeney!
• DAYS’s head writer Alison Sweeney, who will hit the two-decade mark in Salem in January, 2013, has inked a new deal to stay on the soap she's called home since she was a teenager. She tells DIGEST, "I am super-excited to stay, and I am so honored that they asked me to stay. The job continues to surprise and challenge me. I have already shot my 20th anniversary episode, which airs on January 6, so I had this huge milestone and it's been such an amazing journey. I love my job, I love the people I work with and I love Sami." Now if only she could earn an Emmy nod…
• How desperate is THE JEFF PROBST SHOW? So desperate he’s paying tribute to DAYS’s
upcoming 47th anniversary on November 8 by hosting two shows featuring stars from the long-running soap. Kristian Alfonso, Drake Hogestyn, James Scott, Galen Gering and Bryan R. Dattilo are scheduled to appear in one episode; Alison Sweeney (Sami) in another. Probst's DAYS episodes are scheduled to air the week of November 5. No word if James E. Reilly will make an appearance. Or if Ken Corday will realize it’s 2012.
Too bad Anderson Cooper didn’t think of promoting ALL MY CHILDREN this season because his show was just canceled today.
GENERAL HOSPITAL, CITYTV /ABC — Rogers, Tristan Rogers, Bitches!
• Genoa City’s loss, is GH’s gain. Oh, well. OK, wait for it, “Whoohoo, bitches:” Tristan Rogers will return to GH as Robert Scorpio on Thursday, November 15 reports SOAP OPERA DIGEST.
That sound you hear? Bob Guza and Brian Frons hitting the crack pipe one more time in less than one hour.
In a quickie interview today with one of my all-time fave leading men ever, Rogers tells me, “It's great to be back ‘home.’ Lots of surprises in the upcoming story. Look for a more traditional Robert. Taking control.”
While I’m a little disappointed Rogers couldn’t finish off his storyline on Y&R as one of my all-time complex Genoa City villains, the actor teases that there is still hope! WTF?
“Regards to Y&R? I have an enormous affection for the show and those I was lucky enough to work with. Something tells me I am not done there yet,” he says, knowingly.
Hellz yeah! Party at Jill’s house!
Meanwhile, it’s official: Finola Hughes now has one million love interests on the show. Not counting me.
• More returns: Sources whisper that, along with Wally Kurth and Robin Christopher