The Heart of the Matter

by Heather M Green

  “I know that if you threw relationships away as easily as you are trying to do with this one that it wouldn’t have hurt so bad when Nicole left. You don’t use women.”

  “How have I used her, Kaley?”

  “Really? You really don’t know?” She raised the ladle and shoved it in my face. Her voice was going all high and borderline hysterical. Where the heck was Andy? “You told her you loved her. You made her believe this was going somewhere.”

  “I never made a commitment,” I spit out.

  “You didn’t have to. You know better than anyone that ‘I love you’ should mean something more. Saying ‘I love you’ just to say it isn’t you, James.”

  “Again, you don’t know me.”

  Kaley sighed in defeat. “I guess I don’t. But answer me one thing. Who are you cheating on her with? What’s her name?”

  “Sophie and I aren’t married, Kaley. It’s not cheating.”

  “It is if you’ve been telling her you love her. It’s emotional cheating.”

  I laughed. “Emotional cheating?! Where did you read that? We never talked about exclusivity. So what if I’m dating around. Big deal.” I shrugged. “Sophie’s leaving. You told me that yourself. She’ll be dating before you know it.” I rubbed my chest at the sudden ache there at the thought of her with someone else.

  “Sophie’s different, James. I know you noticed. You admitted you fell for her. You don’t have to be afraid with her.”

  She had me pegged and it made me angry to be so transparent. “That’s what you think? You think I’m afraid? What-- because I’m finally doing what you and Andy have been hounding me to do for years? I’m dating, Kaley. How does that make me afraid?”

  “Dating in itself doesn’t make you afraid. You’re letting Sophie go and dating. That’s what tells me you’re afraid. And you have a right to be. But with Sophie, you don’t need to be.”

  “It must be nice to have all the answers. You say that now. You say I don’t have to be afraid. But let’s say, for the sake of argument, that I am afraid. How can you know for sure that it would be different with Sophie? How does anyone really know for sure?”

  “You don’t. But you love the person enough to take a chance and then you work like crazy to keep them.”

  “I tried that once,” I said bitterly. “Didn’t work out so well. So forgive me if I don’t believe you.”

  “Fine,” she spit out.

  “Fine what?”

  Her nose went in the air and she turned her back on me.

  “Don’t be like that, Kaley.”

  “Like what?” she asked innocently, then huffed. “You should have been a lawyer or a...a construction worker.”

  My eyebrows pulled down in confusion. Construction worker?

  “I get it, okay? I get that in your profession, where death can sometimes be a daily occurrence, you put up professional walls to distance yourself emotionally so you can survive the heartache. No pun intended. But this is personal, not professional. Sophie’s not going anywhere. You could keep her here if you wanted. Don’t build professional walls so impenetrable that they keep out joy, love, and peace,” she said softly, a hand on my arm. “Don’t allow professional distance to create personal distance from those who love you.

  “I think you are making a big mistake by dating other women and pushing her away. I don’t think it would take much to get her to stay. I think you will regret it in the end if you keep doing what you’re doing.”

  “What I’m doing is not holding her back from her dream. I’m not tying her down just to resent me later. Besides, it’s not like I won’t say goodbye.”

  “Well that’s so big of you. Lead her on all summer, then tuck your tail and run the other way all under the guise of sacrifice.”

  “What do you want from me, Kaley?” I exploded. “You want me to admit that I’m afraid? Fine. I’ll admit it. I’m afraid this conversation has gone on way too long. I didn’t ask for your advice or your opinion.”

  “Did someone say dinner’s ready?” Andy voice preceded him into the kitchen.

  “No!” Kaley spouted as I uttered a relieved ‘yes’.

  “I saved you,” Andy muttered, taking the chair beside me at the table.

  “Hardly. Where have you been? I could have used you ten minutes ago.”

  “She would have been suspicious if I didn’t let her hound you a little.”

  “You’re uninvited next week.”

  “Like I said before, it’s never stopped me before. She’s said her piece and now she’ll leave you alone.”

  “You sure don’t know her very well. She’ll never leave me alone.”

  “I can hear you,” Kaley informed us as she dished up her boys’ dinner plates. “You’re both uninvited next week. And if you could have it your way, James, you’d shut out the whole world. We’d all leave you alone and you could wallow in your fears and what could have been.”

  “Why does Uncle James need a time out all alone?” Eli asked Kaley.

  “He doesn’t, Eli,” Landon said importantly. “He had a bad dream and he’s scared.”

  “Uncle James is scared of a lot of things,” Andy offered helpfully. “He has also been a bad boy and your mom wants him to think about what he’s done.”

  “I hate Time Out,” Eli said with a shudder.

  “And I hate bad dreams,” Landon added.

  “Uncle James needs you two to sleep in his bed with him tonight so he isn’t alone and scared.”

  “That’s enough, An-drew,” I bit out through clenched teeth. Then smiled at my nephews.

  “Yes, Andy. Please think before you speak,” Kaley reprimanded. “The boys have school tomorrow, so a sleepover is out of the question.”

  “Ahhh, Mom,” both of the boys whined. “That’s worse than Time Out.”

  “But I’m sure Uncle James will leave a spot in his great big, comfy bed for both of you next weekend as an apology to me,” Kaley said sweetly.

  “Yes!” the boys cheered. “And we can play video games with Andy all night.”

  Eli patted me on the arm. “You always have to apologize when you do something wrong. That’s the only way to get out of Time Out. But you always get a kiss after. So that’s good.”

  My thoughts immediately turned to Sophie’s kisses of their own will and I groaned. I was stuck fighting bony elbows and roaming feet next weekend with no kiss in sight. Eli was right. Time Out was the worst.

  Sophie

  “Hello,” I answered the unfamiliar number hesitantly. I had declined so many calls from James in the last four days that I shied away from the unknown number.

  “Is this Sophie?” a woman’s voice asked. “This is Caroline. James’ mom.

  “Oh, Mrs. Anderson, how are you?”

  “I’m doing well. Quite recovered from our ‘cheese overdose’ as James calls it.” We both shared a laugh. “Kaley called and said you are leaving in the next couple days. I couldn’t let you go without telling you how much I enjoyed the time you spent with us. Max and I are disappointed it couldn’t have been more. I had hoped you two could get out here one more time, but it wasn’t to be.”

  “I know. I would have liked that as well.”

  "It’s obvious he has never gotten over Nicole and Lexie completely. I had almost allowed myself to hope when you were here visiting. He was so changed, so happy. I haven’t seen him like that in years. When James gives his heart, he gives it completely. I think he’s scared of repeating past mistakes.”

  “He told me himself that fear pushes him away. I don’t know how to help him get past that. I don’t think he is willing to let me.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a meddling mother. I just wanted you to know before you left so that you don’t think it’s anything you did or didn’t do. I wish I could tell you something that would give you hope for the future, but this is something he has to work through on his own. I stopped trying to figure him out years ago,” she laughed a little. “Anyway, good l
uck to you with your clinic. I hope our paths cross again in the future.”

  I hung up the phone not knowing if that conversation helped or made things worse. Well, if his own mother didn’t have reason to hope for our relationship, could I?

  I was over this. I wouldn’t cry.

  James

  “Thanks again for letting the boys stay with you tonight,” Kaley said with a smile as my nephews raced past us to find Andy. I took their pillows from an overloaded Kaley and she set their bags and blankets on the couch. “Mark and I haven’t had a date in a long time.”

  “I didn’t have much of a choice, but you’re welcome. Andy is just a big kid himself, so they will entertain each other. I could go clubbing and they wouldn’t even miss me.”

  Kaley scoffed. “Right. You’re such a partier. Speaking of meeting women, have you talked to Sophie?”

  “She won’t answer my calls.” I was running out of time for that final goodbye I’d promised Kaley I’d give and I didn’t like that it bothered me.

  “I’m sure she’s busy packing.” She tried to sound nonchalant, but I wasn’t buying it.

  "What?”

  “So the tables have turned,” she laughed. “You don’t like it that she’s avoiding you now after all the excuses you gave her for weeks? This is what you wanted, right?” Kaley asked.

  “You’re pretty quick to point that out. Do you feel better now?” I asked, frustrated at myself and the situation.

  “I mean, James,” she said gently with a hand on my arm, “You've been pushing her away since you lost that baby during surgery. She tried to talk to you. She kept trying. I sincerely hope not, but maybe she’s done trying. She is leaving in three days.

  “What I'm about to say is for your own good. For months I've been trying to tell you to grab onto this girl with both hands, but you've refused to do it. I understand the hiccup, for lack of a better word, that was the death of that baby. I understand that it has you running scared. But you could push past that if you only would.”

  She sounded strangely resigned. I never thought Kaley would let up on sticking her nose in my business and now that she may be doing just that, I didn’t know what to think. “You asked for this, in not so many words, James, and she's giving you what you asked for. You can't have it both ways. Deal with it."

  She was right. I had been pulling away from Sophie since almost before we even got a good start. The unsuccessful surgery happened to be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. So I'd deal. If I didn’t get a chance to tell Sophie goodbye, I’d breathe a sigh of relief and chalk the past six months up to a lesson learned. She’d go back to Texas, open her clinic, and move on with her life. I'd move on too. Casual dating with no commitments, no strings, for...the rest of my life.

  Chapter 5

  Sophie

  “This shouldn’t be a sad thing,” I reminded myself yet again as I walked down the now familiar halls of the hospital. I’d only told myself that same thing a million times the last forty-eight hours and I still didn’t believe it. I hadn’t planned on being in Portland this long. I could go home now and get on with my life. Find a place and set up my practice. Find a new apartment. It’s what I’d always wanted, or so I kept telling myself so the pending loneliness and impossibility of the situation wouldn’t overwhelm me.

  I couldn't believe how the past four weeks had flown by. Dylan was doing well at home and the family seemed to be adjusting. Trevor and Stacy had settled into a more normal schedule until Dylan was a little older and possibly needed more surgeries. This was what we had prayed for these last few months. So why was I so reluctant to leave now that my imminent departure was staring me in the face? I knew why and I'd be saying goodbye to him in the next few minutes.

  I squirted hand sanitizer on my hands and rubbed it in while peeking through the window on the NICU door. James and Ms. Gina stood hovering over an incubator, partially hidden by a curtain. I caught a painful breath. It was so normal and ‘them’ that another piece of my heart broke off in that moment seeing the two people together that I loved the most at this hospital.

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I opened them, I let out a startled yelp. James stood with his nose pressed to the window. Our faces were mere inches from each other, separated only by the glass. So close, yet so far away. Just out of reach. Despite everything, I smiled and shook my head. What a goofball.

  I heard his muffled, “You want in?” and nodded.

  When the doors opened, I wanted to rush into his arms, bury my face in his chest, and sob. I had slowly been weaning myself off him emotionally as well as physically for the past few weeks in anticipation of my return to Texas. So even though I knew his arms would make the pain a little more bearable, I refrained.

  “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you,” he said. I didn’t miss the underlying reproof in his tone. I didn’t respond to it even though I wanted to say, “Sucks, doesn’t it?”

  “So, you’re out of here tomorrow, huh.” James stated more than asked. I don’t know why, but the apathetic nonchalance in his voice got my back up. He could have pretended to be a little broken up over it. We had spent a lot of time together and I thought we were friends. Hoped for more, settled for friends.

  “Yes, James. I’m out of here tomorrow,” I replied with a touch of sarcasm. What I really wanted was to ask, 'Why can’t you love me? What does the other girl have that I don’t? What is so wrong with me that the only person I’ve ever wanted doesn’t want me back? But I didn’t ask. Wouldn’t ask.

  I noticed momentary surprise in his eyes at my tone. I wasn’t usually snarky with him.

  “I just stopped by to tell everyone goodbye. I’m really going to miss this place, crazy as that may sound.” I cleared my throat in an attempt to dislodge the enormous ball of emotion that threatened to choke me.

  “The nurses on the day shift will be sad they missed you,” James said. “And Zeke." I didn’t miss the annoyance in his voice at the mention of that particular nurse. But he wasn’t allowed annoyance anymore. He had given up that right when he had ‘other plans’.

  “I’ll make sure to leave a note on the main whiteboard at the nurses station,” I told him as I moved from one small, curtained off room to another, silently taking a peek at each baby and whispering a goodbye. Although I hadn’t been coming in as regularly now that Dylan was home, except for the occasional times I came in to see James, this goodbye felt different than the goodbye I’d said to everyone when Dylan left. This one was permanent. More and more tears built up with each goodbye. All these precious babies had a part of my heart now. I’d take that with me back to Texas. I slid my hand over the arm of that blasted uncomfortable rocker and slowly sat. It was all too much. I leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and silently let the tears leak out of the corners of my eyes and run silently down my cheeks.

  “Hey,” James said softly, squatting next to the chair. He covered my hand with his. His touch still got to me. I wanted to jerk my hand away, but decided to allow it this last time. “Come here.”

  In one motion, he stood and pulled me to my feet and into his arms. I wrapped my arms around his waist and cried. For so many reasons. I wanted to breathe deeply and take him in, but my nose was too stuffy from all the crying. I loved the way he smelled of laundry soap and something uniquely James. I squeezed tighter briefly and released him. Didn’t he know I couldn’t say goodbye? The last piece of my heart would break away. But he wasn’t giving me anything.

  Well, I could do indifference too. “Thanks for showing me around Oregon,” I said. “You’re an amazing doctor and an even better friend.” This all sounded so impersonal considering what I thought we had become. I knew he thought so too when I saw the incredulous look flash in his eyes.

  “I need to tell Ms. Gina goodbye,” I whispered and stepped around him to the nurses station.

  Ms. Gina looked up as I approached. “Mercy, child, come here,” she instructed. She pulled me into her fluffy arms
and stroked the back of my head. “You be sure to practice that twang when you get down there because it’s barely worth the effort if folks can still understand ya.” I laughed through my tears and sniffed. “You know,” she whispered as I reached for a Kleenex on the desk, “just because we don’t understand ‘em doesn’t mean we don’t need ‘em.” She gestured to James with her chin.

  I sighed and shook my head. “Oh, Ms. Gina, they have to need you back. And he doesn’t.”

  “Mark my words, missy, he doesn’t know everything he needs or wants, but he knows deep down he wants you. You just have to give him time and trust in that.”

  “I’m out of time,” I said in exasperation. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”

  “Child, you dead yet? All you got is time,” she said as she patted my arm. “I don’t know how it will all work out, but I know the good Lord means for you two to be together. If you can’t trust Ms. Gina or Dr. Anderson, you sure better trust the Lord.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I said obediently. I gave her another hug, told her thanks, and planted a loud smack on her cheek.

  “Now listen here, sassy…” she began. I laughed when she swatted my behind as I made a hasty retreat. “You keep in touch, young lady,” she called from the office.

  “I love you, Ms. Gina,” I called back.

  James was speaking with another nurse and writing on a clipboard. I hated to interrupt, so I called a thank you to the nurse and gave a wave. “You take care, girl,” she called to me as the doors swung shut behind me.

  James

  She left. Just like that.

  I couldn’t believe it when I’d seen her pretty face framed in the window. I didn’t have to fake the thrill I felt at seeing her again. And the urge to pull her immediately into my arms was almost too much. She was irresistible. Dangerous.

  And now she was gone. And while I should be relieved, I had the insane urge to run after her.

  If only she’d answered my calls. Ha. I was filled with self-loathing thinking of all those weeks I’d wasted. Weeks she’d reached out to me and I’d pushed her away. I should have done more. Now she wasn’t staying. And as far as I knew, she wasn’t staying when she came back in a few months for the holidays with her parents either.