by Lara Swann
“This came for you today.” She says, getting straight to it and not missing a beat as she passes over a brown envelope I hadn’t noticed lying on the counter. “It looks…serious. I didn’t want to give it to you when you were with Emma earlier.”
She gives me a worried look, even as my own stomach clenches tightly. I told her about my meeting with Stephanie - I couldn’t not tell her - and since then, we’ve both been a little on edge, waiting for it to drop…but it’s been two months. I’d hoped that maybe when nothing further happened, she’d gotten distracted by something else.
I take the envelope reluctantly and sit down to open it, feeling like I might need the support. Mom comes to stand behind me as I tear it open, pulling out the official-looking embossed paper to see the court summons jump out at me immediately. I barely take in the fancy lawyer logo at the top or the detailed announcement of the custody petition before my vision starts to blur and I feel dizzy, like my whole world has been pulled out from under me and gravity is no longer working properly.
“Nathan…”
“Fuck.” I say, my voice hoarse as I push the papers away and drop my head into my hands. “Fuck, fuck, FUCK!”
I pull at my hair as the helpless anger takes me, Mom not even reproaching me for the bad language for once.
“What the hell, Mom?! How can she—all of a sudden—it’s—she never even got back in touch! Didn’t even tell me she’d settled all her business, or try to talk about it any further, or anything.”
“It sounded like she did all the talking she was interested in last time.” Mom says, her voice quiet and calmer than mine as she sinks down into the chair next to mine, but I can hear the strain there all the same.
“And it was just as senseless then!” I spit out, feeling the blood rushing to my head as the world swims around me. “I can’t believe—I mean, after everything she did—the last few years—it’s just so…fucking unfair.”
I’m aware I probably sound petulant child at the moment, but unable to help it.
Sure, I know life isn’t fair. I know that’s not how anything works. That’s already been proved time and time again. But this is beyond all that. It’s insane.
“I know, Nathan. I know.”
It’s the sadness in Mom’s voice that really hits me - like she’s already thinking of the outcome - like she’s already thinking we’re going to lose. My head snaps up, totally unable to bear it as I look at her.
The microwave pings with my dinner waiting inside but I don’t even look over at it. I don’t think I have any appetite left.
“They won’t have it.” I say instead, defensively repeating what I told Stephanie. “She’s been gone for two years. She abandoned us. She agreed to my full custody—I’ve got the documents to prove it. She can’t suddenly come back and take my daughter away from me—the girl I’ve raised for years without her. Asking for visiting rights…sure, okay. We wouldn’t even have needed the court for that - I was willing to give her that - but…”
I trail off, realizing belatedly that Mom is just waiting me out, letting it all pour out of me until I’m done. I’m not done - I feel like I could argue about this for hours - but the futility of it slowly saps my desire to keep going.
“I’m not sure.” Mom finally says, looking at me with her lips drawn tight in worry. “I hope you’re right, Nate, I really do, but…I hate to say it, I think Stephanie might have a point about the courts. I’m worried they’ll put too much weight on a little girl having her Mom around - growing up with a female influence counts more than it should these days.”
“She’s got you. You’d be a female influence for her.” I frown.
“I don’t think I count, sweetie.” Mom says, giving me a soft, sad smile.
“What?” I respond immediately, outraged on her behalf. “You count more than anyone I know, Mom. You’ve always been there for her—you’ve raised her just as much as I have and—”
“I know.” She interrupts. “I’m not disputing all that. Of course she’s got me. I’m just not sure a court will see it that way. I’m worried that they’ll like the idea of her growing up with her Mom and…well…I’m not sure how it will look that you’re single, without a partner who might be able to offer something similar.”
I tighten up immediately at that, scowling. “That’s crazy. The last thing I want - or Emma needs - is someone else who might screw our lives up all over again—”
“Yes, I know how you feel about it.” Mom says, in a tone that says she doesn’t quite agree but isn’t going to make a big deal of it. “After what you’ve been through, I don’t blame you. I’m not saying what you should be doing - I’m just talking about how the courts might see it and I just…damn it, Nathan, I’m just scared. I’m scared we’re going to lose her.”
Her voice wavers at the end there and my stomach lurches as I reach across to take her hand in both of mine, holding it tightly.
“We’re not.” I say, putting every ounce of determination into my voice. “I’m not going to let that happen, Mom. I won’t. I don’t care what Stephanie tries to claim or just how many resources she’s got to throw at this thing—we’re going to win this. Emma isn’t going anywhere.”
Mom looks at me and I can still see the anxiety in her gaze, but she draws herself up, her expression becoming resolved as she nods. She knows as well as I do that no good can come of thinking any other way.
“Okay. Okay, you’re right. We’ll beat this thing, Nathan. Whatever it takes.”
I nod firmly too, my jaw set with determination.
Stephanie screwed up my life once. I’m not going to let her do it again.
* * *
I see my lawyer immediately the following day.
He’s someone I approached after Stephanie dropped her bombshell on me and he agreed to take the case if it was needed - even seemed to hope alongside me that it wouldn’t be necessary - and I actually like him, which I can’t say for every lawyer I’ve had dealings with in the past.
Unfortunately, he echoes the same thoughts that Stephanie and Mom have already voiced, and my initially optimistic mood sours within the first few minutes of the meeting.
“It’s going to be tricky, Nathan. The courts tend to prefer mothers, especially when we’re talking about a little girl—”
“But she abandoned us.” I repeat, for what feels like the dozenth time. Why does that seem to make such little difference?
“I know, I’ve looked over all the information you’ve already sent me - and the details she’s given in her petition.” George states, remaining calm and collected easily. I guess he’s used to all the emotions involved in these things. “But it says here that she had postpartum depression and general anxiety, and she’s included full medical reports of her recovery. A change like that is a reason for the courts to reconsider the case, as is your ex wife moving back into the area. It doesn’t help that the current arrangement - full custody with no rights given to the non-custodial parent - isn’t something that courts prefer, especially not here in Connecticut.”
“I never even insisted on that - she just gave those rights up. She didn’t want them.” I emphasize that, but it quickly becomes apparent that George isn’t the right audience for it. I sigh. “I don’t mind coming to an arrangement where we work up - slowly - to extended visitation rights, or any of that. I’m not opposed to Emma seeing her mother, so long as it’s introduced in a way that it doesn’t confuse or upset her, but she lives with me. I’ve raised her since she was a baby—I’ve been there for her the whole time. I’m not going to give up that.”
“I understand your feelings on the matter - and your willingness to compromise should stand you in good stead - but I want you to know that custody battles are hard. This isn’t going to be pleasant or easy. Unfortunately, as a single father - especially without a female partner - we’re fighting an uphill battle here. It’s not fair or right, but that’s just the way it is.”
I let out a long breath as he say
s it, dropping my head into my hands and running them through my hair.
“I’ll do everything I can to make your case - and it’s not all bad. Your history of care will help you, as will your willingness to compromise and general civility thus far.” George continues, unperturbed by my response to what he’s saying. “I’d encourage you to keep those up. We’ll hire a private investigator to see whether we can find out anything that might benefit us—”
“A private investigator? Really?”
“It’s common practice. I wouldn’t be surprised if your ex wife did so as well.”
“Ugh. Fine. It’s not like I’ve got anything to hide anyway. Let them see just how much I love my daughter.”
I massage my temple with a couple of fingers, trying to ease the discomfort there. I think the idea of all the screwed up tactics a custody battle involves is giving me a headache.
George nods. “I’ll be honest though - all that aside, if you want to know what I think would benefit your case the most, it would be getting into a relationship. Having a partner to show that Emma is getting all the unique things a woman can give a child’s upbringing would address a lot of the concerns they’re going to have.”
I stare at him. “You want me to get a girlfriend?”
Sure, everyone might keep mentioning that - but that’s not a strategy! My relationship status is just…an unfortunate circumstance we have to deal with, or work around somehow. Not something to change.
“I’m just saying that it would help.”
“That’s ridiculous.” I say, shaking my head immediately. “I can’t get into a relationship just to bolster my chances of a winning this case, that’s—”
“You wouldn’t be the first.” He says, with the kind of serious, professional tone that lends a weight to this discussion it doesn’t deserve. I feel like I’ve fallen through into some crazy, parallel universe where legal strategies somehow have nothing to do with the law anymore.
“Even apart from everything else, that sounds like an awful strategy.” I finally manage. I don’t even know why I’m arguing this point, but I can’t help myself. “I don’t date for years and then as soon as this case comes along, I get a girlfriend? That’s got to look suspicious.”
“You’re right. It would be better if you could find a wife—”
“A wife?!” I think my mouth drops open. Somehow, this just got more impossible. “That would be even more absurd.”
“Not necessarily. It’s a sign of commitment - that you’re not just suddenly in a relationship to support your case, but you have real intentions to be with the woman. It’s something they can rely on being there in the future—”
“But I would be doing it for the case.” I interrupt. “That’s what you’re telling me to do.”
“Well, yes. But that’s what these things are like.”
“I’m sorry.” I shake my head, finally suspending my disbelief enough to cut this discussion off completely. “This is a ridiculous discussion. I’m not about to go out looking for a woman - for a girlfriend, a wife, anything - to trick her into supporting this case. It’s insane. I can’t imagine anything that would do more to shake the stability I’ve been able to provide for my daughter up until now. I was married once, and that’s more than enough for me. So…we’re dropping this. Okay?”
George looks at me for a long moment, before finally nodding. “Okay.”
I sigh, moving some of the documents in front of me around just to have something to do.
“Let’s just…focus on the things we can do here. For the case.”
George nods again, taking my lead, and I’m left just trying to ground myself back into some semblance of reality.
It doesn’t help the feeling of creeping dread coming over me - the slow awareness that I might be totally screwed.
Chapter Three
Jessica
I knock on the open door to Nathan’s office as I walk in, then pause when I see the way he’s sitting behind his desk. He’s got his head in his hands and he’s staring off into the distance with the most despondent expression that for a moment, I can’t move. I’d feel like I was intruding on something private, but if I’m honest it’s been like this for the last week. He’s been better at hiding it sometimes - particularly around patients or in company - but I’ve caught him like this more than once recently.
There’s been something off with him for a while now - a slight edge or distraction that I probably only noticed because I’m far too aware of him - but this is on a different level.
He looks up, seeming almost surprised to see me there and blinks slightly, barely coming back to himself.
“Jessica.” He says, folding his hands in front of him on the desk. “Sorry. Did you need something?”
“I just came by to give you a copy of the latest accounts. I’ve updated them through to the end of last month and sent them over to our accountants for the meeting next week - they’re the system, of course, but I know you prefer to review them in hard copy.”
I walk forward, handing the folder over, and he looks at it for a moment too long before putting it down. There really is something not right with him, and it’s almost painful to see. Within the space of a week, the compassionate, charming doctor I know has faded into a distracted shadow of himself.
“Oh. Thanks, Jess. Damn, I’d…meant to get around to that.” He shakes his head, letting out a breath through his cheeks. “You shouldn’t have to deal with all this business crap.”
“I quite like all the business crap, actually.” I say, one corner of my mouth tugging up at the phrase. That kind of attitude is new for him, too. “I don’t mind. I had the time.”
“Still…” He looks at it, still seeming out of place. “Well, thank you. I can’t deny I need all the help I can get right now.”
“Don’t worry about it.” I say, but then hesitate before leaving. I doubt I’m going to get a better opening than that. “Will you tell me what’s going on, Nathan? What’s wrong? It’s pretty obvious that something isn’t right.”
“It’s that noticeable, is it?” He says with a grimace.
“To me, anyway.” I say, shrugging slightly to try to lighten the comment. “I see quite a lot of you. I’m not sure if the others have noticed - Louise isn’t around half the week, and Aaron is fairly oblivious.”
He smiles slightly at that. All four of us have a great working relationship - mostly because we understand each other so well. I like and respect Louise and Aaron very much, but they were honest from the start - the whole reason they wanted to join Nathan’s practice was because he wanted doctors interested in the doctoring. Doing the job they were paid for and getting paid decently for it. He promised to take care of all the admin and ‘business crap’ as he just called it if they weren’t going to start looking for promotions or partnership in the practice.
It’s also why the dynamic between us here is a little bit…complicated. By the time he hired me, he was desperately looking for someone who was willing to help out with some of those things - and even more so later on when Stephanie left him - and I was eager to learn. I think he’s still waiting for the moment I come knocking on his door asking for a more prominent role in the practice, one that fits the extra responsibilities I often take on, but I don’t see it like that. I’m just happy to be learning and developing, and I know I’m not in a position to become a junior partner, even in a small practice like this. Financially or otherwise. I’d be out of my depth, and there’s no way I could find the kind of initial investment it would require - not with my student loans to pay back and Lori’s therapy costs.
Of course, that situation isn’t exactly something I want to share with Nathan, so I just haven’t said anything about it at all. He hasn’t either, but I do catch the considering looks every now and then. I hope he doesn’t push it, either. I don’t want to have to explain any of that. It would just make things awkward.
Nathan looks at me for a long moment. I don’t think he’s actual
ly going to answer me, but then he lets the folder I handed him drop onto the desk and glances off to the side.
“Stephanie is filing for custody of Emma. Full custody.”
The simple statement hits me like a ton of bricks. For a moment, all I can do is stare at him, grasping for the wooden back of the chair in front of his desk for support.
“What?” I say, the disbelief slipping out. “She’s back?”
“Yeah.” He answers grimly. “Or she will be, anyway.”
“Shit.” I mutter, stepping around to take a seat in the chair instead. “God, Nathan…”
“Yeah. Shit indeed.”
“But that’s nonsense, surely?” I frown, as my mind starts working again. “She left. You got all this sorted in the divorce, didn’t you? You’ve got custody. You’ve raised Emma all this time. She can’t just…”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell everyone.” He says with a grimace. “Turns out, it doesn’t count for much. I guess I’m more naive than I thought.”
“But…” I start, then hesitate. I can tell by the look on his face that this isn’t helping. I guess he’s had this conversation more times than he wants to already - he doesn’t need to have to explain it all again. I know him and there’s no way he isn’t doing everything he can, pursuing every avenue available. If he says this has real weight to it, then it has.
“I’m sorry, Nathan.” I say instead, my heart going out to him. I can see just how distraught and torn up he is - and I can’t blame him. I can’t even imagine what he’s going through right now - or what I can possibly say to make it better. I’m not even sure that saying anything at all is helpful.
He’s silent for a while and I start getting the uncomfortable feeling that maybe I’m intruding. I’m torn between desperately wanting to be here for him if he needs someone to vent to or just to keep him company so that he’s not alone with it all, but not sure whether what he really wants is space and privacy.
We’re friends, but it’s in that easy, work-colleague kind of way. I was there for him as best I could be when Stephanie left, but while we’re probably closer than any of the other doctors here, we’re not close. Not in an emotional touchy-feely kind of way. There are too many barriers up around him for that.
