by Lara Swann
“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Jess.” He finally says, the words bursting out of him in a despairing tone. The pain in his voice goes right through me, but I can’t help the slight relief that just giving him time was enough. “This case seems to look worse with every conversation I have with my lawyer. I don’t know if he’s just trying to prepare me in case it goes badly, or if it really is that bad, but either way…I feel so trapped. I’m trying not to let it affect me. I don’t want it to affect my work, or my time with Emma, and I definitely don’t want her to know anything is up. She doesn’t understand why her Grandma and I are so on edge at the moment. I don’t even want Mom to know how bad it is and I’m trying to act like it’s all going to be okay, but I’m not sure it is and…oh fuck, sorry. I’m just unloading on you.”
He runs a hand through his hair, leaning back in the chair and staring up at the ceiling, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so miserable about anything. Not even when Stephanie left.
“That’s what I’m here for.” I say, meaning every word. “That’s why I asked, Nathan. God knows, I can’t do much to help - but at least I can listen.”
He gives me a half-hearted smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes and make them sparkle in the way that’s filled my imagination far too often.
“Thanks, Jess. Though listening to me vent definitely isn’t in your job description.”
“Yeah, because my job description is the only reason I’m here.” I say, leaving in the sarcasm he deserves for thinking that way, even as the comment reminds me uncomfortably of some of the less-than-appropriate reasons I’m sticking around.
His smile flashes briefly again and at least his gaze seems a little bit warmer as he looks at me.
“Why does she even want full custody?” I ask, shaking my head. “That doesn’t seem…like her. Does it?”
Not that I know much about her, except that she walked out on them in the first place. I don’t understand how anyone could do that to their family - let alone their child - but if you can, suddenly wanting them again seems…erratic, at least. It’s a horrible, cynical thought, but there’s an uncomfortable feeling in my gut that hopes it’s not about the money she could get from Nathan if she had custody.
“Who the hell knows.” He lets out an exasperated breath. “Apparently she was depressed and unable to cope before - and I can well believe that - but now that she’s been away for years and is feeling better, she wants to be a proper Mom to Emma again.”
My expression must convey some of my doubt, because he shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair again. It’s fully disheveled at this point, but that doesn’t do anything to take away from his appeal - though the black shadows under his eyes and gaunt-looking appearance does.
“I guess it’s the truth, too. She has no reason to lie. She sure as hell doesn’t need the money - with her parents’ fortune, she could spend the rest of her life sailing around the Caribbean if she wanted to - so I guess some maternal instinct has finally kicked in. I might even be glad for it if she was going to be reasonable about it, no matter how hard it would be to see her regularly again. I wouldn’t have minded if she just wanted to see Emma - to start being part of her life again - but coming back and demanding I give up the girl I’ve raised for the last three years? It’s a joke. And so fucking selfish. It would be awful for Emma to go through that kind of upheaval right now…and there’s no telling what Stephanie might do after that.”
“What she might do?” I repeat, frowning.
“Stephanie…doesn’t like being tied down.” His mouth tightens into a grim line. “I’ve been trying not to think about it too much, but if she got custody, I’ve got a bad feeling about what would happen. I wouldn’t put it past her to take Emma off wherever she felt like, whenever she felt like it - no concerns for visitation or stability or anything a kid needs growing up. It’s what her parents did to her when she was little, so I doubt she’d think anything of it - but I don’t want Emma to have to deal with that. I want a normal life for her.”
His hands tighten into fists and he glares daggers into the wall.
“I can’t let Stephanie win this thing. I can’t.” His voice is strained and hard, the words coming out almost too low for me to catch them.
“You won’t.” I respond immediately, feeling it with everything in me. “I know you Nathan - you’ve never not succeeded at something you set out to do.”
He blinks, then seems to come back to himself a little, some of the tension relaxing as he looks over at me. “Yeah. That’s what everyone keeps telling me. That’s what everyone is expecting, but…who the hell really knows. Apparently little girls need their mothers, and it looks like the courts are going to be against me just because I’m single and unable to provide a mother-figure. Forget all the actual care I’ve provided so far.”
“That’s bullshit.” I say, the words spilling out in surprised outrage. “We’re in the twenty-first century here—people can’t seriously still be thinking that way.”
“Tell me about it.” He grunts. “Seems like fathers’ rights haven’t advanced with the rest of the world.”
“Fucking hell.” I mutter.
It just seems so unfair. Nathan deserves so much better. But pointing that out isn’t going to help, so I stop myself from railing against it the way I want to. He’s probably gone through enough of that already.
Instead, I let myself lapse into silence and we just sit there together for a while. Unlike before, it feels comfortable and more natural this time, as we both drift into our own thoughts about it all. I’m glad Nathan got the chance to talk, at least, even though that feels like such an insignificant thing to be able to offer him.
Eventually, Nathan straightens slightly, glancing at the papers on his desk with a sigh.
“I should really get back to work.” He says. “I’ve been lost in all of this for too long already.”
“Nathan…” I hesitate, looking at him with concern. “You know no one here would mind if you needed some time off right now, to deal with everything else. I’d be happy to cover—”
“No.” He shakes his head before I can finish. “Right now, I need all the distraction I can get. There’s nothing more I can do for the case right now anyway - most of it is a waiting game. That’s the worst part about it all.”
I just nod. There’s nothing else I can do, or offer him. I wish I didn’t feel so damn useless.
“Okay then.” I say, taking the cue and finally standing up.
My legs are a little unsteady, even though I haven’t been sitting down for all that long. I feel like I’ve been through an emotional wringer myself, even though none of this is about me at all. Except that Nathan is someone I respect and care about - and I love seeing little Emma too. Nathan brings her in with him from time to time and I’ve helped watch her occasionally. I’ve always admired what a lovely little family they seem to make, despite everything they’ve been through. Or maybe because of it. The idea of them being torn apart…
“Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” I say. I can’t help it, even though I know there’s nothing I can possibly do. “I’m here if you need…anything.”
I trail off lamely, but he gives me an appreciative look anyway.
“Thanks, Jess.”
I leave feeling totally useless, and miserable on his behalf. He’s had such a tough time and it’s so unfair that just as he seems to be getting back on track, he gets hit with this. His ex-wife has a lot to answer for.
I just don’t understand how some people—ugh, don’t go there.
I know myself. If I let myself get worked up about her attitude, I won’t be able to let the simmering annoyance go for days.
Instead, I finish up my lunch break with some lingering patient admin and try not to think too hard about Nathan over in his office, looking more desolate than I’ve ever seen him.
The rest of my appointments pass in a blur, my head still swimming with everything Nathan said and t
he messed up situation he’s in.
I’m just finishing up for the day and writing up the notes for my last appointment when there’s a knock at my open office door. I look up to see Nathan already striding in with an energy that was totally missing just a few hours earlier. He looks almost completely transformed, with a grin back on his face and light dancing in his eyes as he looks at me.
I blink, my hands dropping away from the computer as I look at him in confusion.
“Nathan…?”
“Jess! I’ve had an idea.” He says, full of enthusiasm as he comes to stand behind the chair in front of my desk. He rests his hands on it, obviously having too much energy to sit, as he almost bounces up and down on his toes.
I get a strange buzzing feeling in my stomach, like some kind of premonition…
I’ve seen that look before.
“Ohh, no. I know that glint in your eye. This is exactly how you looked when you suggested we turn Friday into a free clinic day.” I say, smirking at him. Even if I’m pretty sure he’s about to turn everything upside down all over again, I can’t help the relief that surges through me at seeing him this way again. “Don’t tell me this is one of those ideas?”
“Hey, you loved that idea!” His grin only gets wider, which just serves to make me even more wary.
Yep, definitely dangerous territory.
“I did. I do. But you can’t claim it didn’t drive us all crazy for a while, with the weeks it took to work through all the legal and practical implications and the way it challenged everything we’ve always assumed about running a medical practice…” I shake my head, my smile turning slightly bemused as I remember that time.
Nathan’s suggestion that we start running Fridays as a walk-in free clinic day took us all by surprise, but now that the initial chaos it created has settled down, it’s proved to be one of our biggest successes yet. He initially intended it as a way for our registered patients to ask questions about small issues or minor health concerns that they would usually be more inclined to ignore. Those kind of things rarely seem worth paying the insurance deductible for - particularly for our patients on more basic schemes - but they’re often the difference between whether we can catch a much more significant health issue early or not.
Most of the time, all it provides is peace of mind for our patients - which given the grateful response we’ve had, would be worth it anyway - but for those few cases where it’s made a real difference, I’ve been so thankful we started doing it.
Of course, like anything free and widely beneficial, it’s scope has steadily increased from there. Patients were quick to start asking if they could bring their uninsured relatives - sometimes friends or neighbors - along too, and eventually we bowed to the pressure and split the day to accommodate it. Now, we offer a free clinic to our patients on Friday mornings, and one that’s open to everyone - though so far only spread through word of mouth - in the afternoons. It feels like a crazy endeavor sometimes, and the demand is getting a little hard to manage, but I can’t deny it’s been worth every bit of effort we’ve put into it.
Nathan was even right about the financial benefits too. Between the initial diagnoses that need further paid investigation and the number of new patients we’ve attracted simply because of the scheme, the practice is definitely not losing money on it. He’s quick to point that out whenever any of us looks too skeptical about the latest expansion he has planned for it, but I know that’s not the part that matters to him at all. He’s always wanted this practice to be a real part of the community here in Manchester and to benefit it as such - and from the moment I started working here, it was clear how much it bothered him when we diagnosed a disease in its later stages, simply because someone had been unwilling to come in earlier.
“So which of our tried-and-tested working practices are you going to screw up now?” I ask, my voice light.
“None of them.” He says, looking amused. “This isn’t exactly like those ideas, no.”
The way he’s looking at me makes me pause, and…oh. Of course. This isn’t about work at all. There’s no way an innovative new working practice could have broken through the despair I’d seen earlier, which means—
“Wait, you’ve thought of something to help with the custody case?” I ask, sitting up a little straighter as my interest sharpens, my own expression breaking into a smile. That really would be good news.
“Yeah.” He says. He’s still looking at me oddly, and it’s starting to set my nerves jangling a bit. “Maybe. I’ve got a proposition for you.”
I blink. “For me?”
“Yeahh…okay, this is going to sound crazy, but just hear me out.” He starts, not setting me at ease at all. “What I really need right now for this case - what everyone, particularly my lawyer, keeps telling me I should do - is to find a wife and get married. That’s absurd, obviously, but earlier I started thinking…what if it was just some kind of business arrangement? If I found someone to agree to marry me and stay married for the duration of the case - just until I get custody - and then we could divorce amicably and that would be that.”
My stomach somersaults and my mouth drops open as my mind jumps ahead to what he’s really trying to say.
“I know, I know.” He continues quickly, while I’m still deep in shock. “It’s crazy - and probably all sorts of unprofessional for me to be asking you this, so I really hope you don’t sue for harassment - but I’ll be honest here. I don’t know anyone else to ask. I don’t exactly get out much. We’re already colleagues - we know how to work together and how to keep things professional - I’d trust any arrangement I came to with you, which I can’t say for anyone else, and—”
“Nathan. Nathan, stop.” I finally manage to get out. It feels like I’ve fallen through into some parallel universe, everything spinning into total chaos. “This is—I can’t—”
All those fantasies…and now you get this kind of “proposal”. Serves you right, I guess.
“It would benefit you too, I promise.” He continues quickly, and I can sense the desperation lying under his almost manic energy. “That’s part of the reason I thought of you in the first place. You’ve worked non-stop for this place ever since you joined - doing far more than I’ve had any right to ask you - and you deserve more recognition for that than your role as a doctor here gives you. It’s bothered me for a long time that you’ve never asked about becoming a partner - and even more that I’ve never suggested it, either - and while I don’t know the reason for your hesitation I’d guess it’s financial in nature. If you agree to this and we married, I’ll split the practice with you. Fifty-fifty, as it would be if we were marrying for good, no further investment required. You could be a full partner here with me - and you’d keep that when we eventually divorce too.”
I stare at him, all the objections hovering on my lips evaporating in disbelief as I sit there totally stunned.
Full partnership. At the practice I love like it’s part of me.
In my wildest dreams, I was only ever hoping that one day I’d be a junior partner here. But a genuine, equal split…fuck.
I shouldn’t be surprised. Not really. It sounds impossible to me that he’d give up half of the practice that he built from the ground up, but when I think about it…this is his daughter. I doubt there’s anything he wouldn’t offer. That only makes my heart jackhammer in my chest as I look back at him.
He’s finally stopped talking, obviously trying to give me a chance to process it, but it’s almost painful to see the hope in his expression.
“Shit.” I mutter.
It’s all I can say.
The corner of his mouth tugs up a little bit, the start of a smile that I can’t bear to see, because it sends that hot-electric current through me and it suddenly hits me that I can’t possibly marry this man. The man I’ve had a secret crush on for years. It would be so fucking dangerous…and impossible…and crazy-making.
I want what he’s offering so much I can taste it. So much tha
t I’m surprised by the force of it, and surprised I never realized how much a partnership meant to me before. Maybe I just didn’t let myself think about it, since it simply wasn’t possible. But now…now…
Now…I still can’t have it.
I don’t think my heart would survive it.
The realization hits me like a ton of bricks, and the disappointment that follows it is almost physically painful. The idea of being so close to a partnership - so close to really making a difference for Nathan with this case - so close to…living with the guy I’ve had a crush on forever. Marrying him. Getting as much as I’m ever likely to see of a non-work non-friend relationship.
Fucking hell.
I can barely bring myself to look back at Nathan, to see the hope and encouragement there…I don’t want to disappoint him either, the idea of screwing up his chance with this case makes me feel sick to my stomach, but I don’t have a choice. It’s a bad idea. It’s a fucking terrible idea, and he doesn’t even know why.
“Nathan, I…I don’t think…”
His face changes in an instant, falling dramatically as he hears the answer in my voice before I ever say it. Then he catches himself.
“Don’t answer right now.” He says, then his tone softens, becoming almost too understanding. “I know this is more than I should ever be asking of you. It’s not what you meant by ‘if there’s anything I can do to help’, I know that. And it’s…it’s too much to possibly process right now anyway. You don’t need to answer right away - just…just think about it, okay?”
“Nathan…”
“Please, Jess, just take some time to think it over. If your answer is still no, I’ll understand, but…it’s a lot to take in all at once. Give yourself some time, okay?”
I’m pretty sure he can see the answer - and how resigned I am to it - in my expression, but I can’t bring myself to deny him again.
