Jay's Gay Agenda

by Jason June

  “Understood.” Honestly, if I ever hurt Albert again, I’d deserve to be sent into the biggest of black holes or have a wisdom tooth removal with no Novocain.

  Our chairs finally slowed as we neared the Civics room. My padded butt gently bumped against the door while Max smacked into me. Apparently Regina wasn’t as practiced a driver as Shruti. Thankfully with all the material around us, Max bounced off me like we were two Michelin men playing bumper cars.

  I could hear Mrs. Gakstetter’s muffled talking on the other side of the door.

  “You ready?” I whispered.

  Max nodded. “This will probably get us detention.”

  “Albert’s worth a teacher or two thinking I’m a delinquent.”

  “Then let’s do it.” Max grabbed hold of the door handle and pulled. As soon as it opened, our chairs zoomed forward. I grabbed the edge of Max’s seat so that we’d be side by side, the Great Behind taking the spotlight from Mrs. Gakstetter’s lesson on huge asses in politics.

  The class burst into laughter as Mrs. G hollered, “What is this? What’s going on?”

  Albert sat in the second row back, two from the left, like he did in every class. I had to yell over the laughter to make sure he heard me. “I was a giant ass, Albert. You were never just an item to mark off my checklist.”

  Albert’s jaw clenched as all eyes in the room zeroed in on him. Then he opened his mouth wordlessly over and over, still a VSB even when he looked like a fish.

  Mrs. Gakstetter stomped in my direction. “You have a really bad habit of disrupting my class, Jay.”

  Shruti steered me closer to Albert, my big butt cheek knocking into the desks as I wheeled in between rows. I motioned toward Mrs. G. “I don’t have much time,” I said. “If you can’t forgive me, I totally understand. And you can make me the butt of every joke from here on out. I just wanted you to know I was sorry.”

  I placed a note on Albert’s desk. I wasn’t the best with words; I never had been. That was Lu, in her newspaper articles, or Max, always able to entertain an audience. For me, the only place that I could ever fully express my thoughts was in my lists. I’d ripped my favorite one out of my journal soon after decimating the Gay Agenda. I hoped that Albert saw in each item not a quality that I wanted to check off and move on from, but a list of things I wanted to be around each and every day.

  “I made this over the past few weeks,” I told him. “The most important list I’ve made to date. You’re unlike anybody else I’ve ever met, Albert, and I made this because I couldn’t stop thinking about how singular and amazing you are.”

  ALBERT ADJECTIVES

  1.Sexy (I mean he is a V, V, V VSB.)

  2.Sweet (Who else would help pick up all my crap even though I had gum on my face and my hand was soaked in blood?)

  3.Adorable (I’m talking puppy-dog-eyes adorable.)

  4.Smart (Where do you even get started on building a robot?)

  5.Unabashedly Albert (As evidenced by the prevalence of Digihips with no mind for who’s watching.)

  6.Accepting (Nobody else made me feel this safe to be me, exactly as I am.)

  7.Honest and Accountable (Okay, I know that’s two, but these get linked because they’re the two things I can learn from the most. I’m so sorry I hurt you, Albert. I got carried away in my excitement to be around other gay guys for the first time, and I should have just been open with you about where I was at. I was worried I’d look like an idiot, or scare you away with my inexperience with other guys, or come on too strong once I started getting experience. These aren’t excuses. I know I messed up, and the worst part is that my epic screw-ups hurt you. Know that I don’t expect you to just forgive me. You don’t ever have to see me again if you don’t want to. But I hope we can move forward. There are still so many firsts I’d like to have with you. And seconds. And thirds. And four—well, you get the idea.)

  I wanted to give Albert space to read the list and process everything I was throwing at him, so I started scooting out of the classroom. But I was stopped before I could reach the door.

  “Not so fast, Jay,” Mrs. Gakstetter said. She pulled a pink pad of detention slips from her desk and scribbled out two notes: one for me and one for Max. “You can’t just barge into my class whenever you feel like it.”

  The material in our butts rustled as we reached for the pink paper. “Sorry for the interruption,” I said.

  Mrs. G frowned at our costumes. “I have to ask you to take those off. It’s a distraction to the learning environment.”

  “Sorry, Mrs. G, but I can’t,” I said. “I’ve been a real ass, and I’m not going to take this thing off until I deserve to be forgiven.”

  “No cussing,” Mrs. Gakstetter said through gritted teeth, waving the detention slip pad. “Or you’re getting another one of these.”

  “You can give me another one if you want.” I looked at Albert. “He’s totally worth it.”

  Mrs. Gakstetter started writing my name on another slip, giving me a tsk-tsk before she said, “Suit yourself.”

  But Albert shot up from his desk, grabbing everyone’s attention. “Wait.” Our eyes locked, and I felt a tiny glimmer of hope.

  “I forgive you,” he said. “You still have a lot of explaining to do, but—” The tiniest smile played at the corners of his lips. “If you don’t take that off, Mrs. G might . . . crack.”

  I laughed, then quickly face-palmed as Max started chanting, “Kiss him. Kiss him. Kiss him.”

  “Max,” I moaned.

  “What?” he said with a shrug. “It was really great kissing Reese after my apology. I thought you might want that rom-com moment. I’m your Gay Guide, remember? I’m supposed to help these things along.”

  “That’s enough of that,” Mrs. Gakstetter said, pointing at Max. “We are not turning Civics into a make-out session. Now, I think it’s time to get out of this classroom and take off that outfit before I call the principal’s office.” She motioned to our robot chairs. “And walk those things out of here before you run somebody over.”

  I stood up from my chair, and it took off on its own. Apparently Shruti didn’t have audio to hear Mrs. G’s instruction to walk it away. I had to hustle out of there or the Apology Agenda would need to be renamed “Steps for Suspension.”

  “I’ll call you after detention,” I said to Albert just before Mrs. Gakstetter shut the door in my face.

  Guilt bubbles took over my stomach. The last time I told Albert I’d do something, I’d completely blown him off. But I would never let that happen again, and he had to know that. I decided to risk Mrs. G coming at me with her detention pad and yelled one last thing through the door.

  “I promise.”

  26.

  Kiss and Make Up

  My stomach was full of flutters during detention. Not because my parents might be mad (they wouldn’t, when I explained this was for love. Well, Dad might have something to say about it, but I knew he was a softie at the core). I was nervous about seeing Albert. Or rather, not seeing Albert. He’d said he forgave me, but that didn’t mean he’d want to see me anymore. This could be an I forgive you so I can move on kind of thing, with a nice flourish of But get the frack away from me. And I wouldn’t blame him if that was the case.

  “He’ll pick up when you call him,” Max said. “I know it in my soul. He’s a Pisces.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Pisces are very forgiving.”

  “No talking,” Mr. Henderson barked.

  It was just silent, anxious anticipation from there.

  But when the two hours were up and we were allowed to leave, Albert didn’t answer my call. He did me one better. He was already waiting outside, ready to face this problem head-on like I should have done from the start.

  “You didn’t have to wait for me,” I said.

  Albert shrugged. “Yeah, I know, but at the rate you’re getting detentions, I didn’t think I’d have another chance to talk to you before you got expelled.”

&nb
sp; “Are you sure you want to be seen talking with such a troubled youth?” I asked.

  “I don’t care how troubled you get at school. I just don’t want you to ditch me ever again.” Assertive needed to be added to the list of Albert Adjectives too.

  “I’m so sorry, I—”

  “I need to say this,” Albert said. “Let me finish.”

  I pressed my lips tight and my heart clenched with nerves. I needed to let him vent, but gawd, it was never fun to hear about what a piece of shit you are.

  “You lied to me, Jay. By omission. You never shared with me that you were having sex. Or are having sex, if there’s anyone else out there you’re hooking up with. And I would never have known that if Reese hadn’t told me. Were you ever going to mention anything about Tony, or were you just going to lie to me forever?”

  My stomach turned with those ever-present guilt bubbles. “To be totally honest, there’s nobody else, but I wasn’t going to say anything about Tony.”

  Albert deflated. His glasses even slipped down his nose a bit. It wasn’t the answer he’d wanted to hear.

  “But only because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings,” I blurted. “Whenever you said you were ready to have sex with me, I was going to say I was ready too. I didn’t want you to feel rushed or forced into anything you didn’t want to do.”

  Albert scowled. “I’m a big boy. I can handle hard stuff.” He face-palmed—like, actual Jay-Collier-move face-palmed. “What is it with me and making unintentional penis puns when I’m upset? I can handle hard stuff?”

  “And you also dropped that you’re a big boy,” I said, looking up at him sheepishly.

  Albert rolled his eyes.

  “What? I’m just trying to be honest with you!” I said.

  Albert’s chuckle faded into thoughtful silence. I could only imagine what shitty things he was thinking of me. And he had every right to think them. But then, against all odds—and giving me much more than I deserved—he slowly reached forward and held my fingers in his.

  “What I’m trying to say is, you should have been honest from the start,” Albert said. “I mean, it’s not like you had to tell me every single thing you wanted to do. And I appreciate you not wanting to rush me into anything. But you should have told me about Tony. It’s not the fact that you had sex; we were never exclusive. But when Reese told me about Tony and the Gay Agenda, and how you never mentioned either of those things, it made me feel used. Like a means to an end, but not the end goal. If we’re going to see where this goes”—he motioned between us—“you’ve got to be honest with me about where you’re at. Where we’re at. Where you’re at with other people. Just be you, Jay. I like you.” He used his free hand to punch my shoulder, hard enough to just barely classify as playful. “Well, I’m still a bit pissed at you right now, but I liked who you were before all this went down.”

  “I’m still that same guy. I messed up big-time”—I squeezed his hand for emphasis—“and I don’t want you to think I’m making excuses for that. I was being who I thought other people wanted me to be, instead of just being true to myself. And honest with you.”

  Albert looked at our hands. They were back in that linked position we’d had on our dates that felt like second nature. “Honestly, I wasn’t ready to lose you to another guy. Learning I had competition all of a sudden really hurt.”

  His pained expression sent knives into my gut. “I’m so sorry for that, Albert. Really, I am. It’s always been you.” From that first moment when he bashed into me with PrinterBot. Albert was the person who was always in my heart. But I stopped thinking with my heart when faced with a guy who was so up-front about wanting to have sex. “I got too carried away by the Gay Agenda. You can’t imagine how lonely it’s been my whole life. I was the only gay guy, not a single person to even kiss while all my straight friends were hooking up and pairing off. I didn’t think about how having those physical milestones while we were dating might affect you. And that wasn’t right.”

  “Okay,” Albert said. He unconsciously licked his lips, drawing my attention to his mouth.

  “In the spirit of honesty, can I tell you what I’m thinking right now?” I asked.

  Albert nodded.

  I took a step closer, leaving only an inch between us. “I really want to kiss you.” Not in a weird let’s hook up way, but in that way Reese and Max did. Kissing to say sorry, kissing to share how hurt they were, kissing to take the first step toward making it better.

  Albert looked down at my lips. He nodded again.

  I closed the distance, tingles shooting up and down my spine as our lips touched. His were perfectly wet from licking them. It made me want to lick his lips, too, my tongue moving forward to gently brush against his bottom lip. Albert sucked in a breath, and I could feel the tension in his shoulders relax.

  “Was that okay?” I asked.

  “Honestly,” Albert said. “I liked that.”

  “Me too.”

  Albert squeezed my fingers as I smiled into his lips. I moved to pull away, but he tugged me closer. Albert was saying everything with his mouth without uttering a word. I could feel his hurt, his relief, his uncertainty, his hope. It was so much more personal, so much more special than any kiss we’d had yet.

  Albert slowly pulled away. “You’re gonna owe me quite a few of those to make up for being a dick.” Albert’s eyes went wide. “I did it again! To make up for being a jerk.”

  I shook my head and looked as solemn as I could. “Punishment is the worst.”

  Albert laughed and started walking down the hall, pulling me along with him. “And you still owe me a few dances at homecoming. You better get ready for these Digihips.”

  I stopped. Albert turned around, concern covering him like those ever-present Seattle clouds. “What is it?”

  “I can’t,” I said, sending a prayer to every Gay God that he would understand. “I’m not going.”

  “But I thought you were going with Max.”

  “I was. But you’re not the only person I’ve hurt.” The hope I’d felt from Albert’s kiss was washed away thinking of Lu, alone, living in the salon office until that roof was ripped away from her too. “I was an ass to just about everyone I care about, and there’s still one more person I have to apologize to. Please don’t think this means I don’t want to be with you, or make it up to you for being such a douche. It’s just if I don’t do this, I think I’ll lose my best friend forever.”

  JAY’S APOLOGY AGENDA

  1.Give Max a chance to redeem himself.

  2.Show Reese I actually have a heart.

  3.Let Albert know he’s more than a list.

  4.Have Lu’s back again.

  Albert stood there, that worried look still on his face.

  “Albert, I’m so sorry, I—”

  He stepped forward and grabbed my face in his hands, kissing me deeper than before, the heart behind it even more present. Despite all the things Tony and I had done together, he’d never touched me like this. Loving and safe and like I was the only thing that mattered.

  Albert pulled away, but still held my cheeks, and his expression changed to that smoldering look I loved so much. “That’s the best reason for having to bail.”

  “It is?”

  “Yeah,” Albert said. He laced his fingers in mine again and pulled me outside. “Owning up to your mistakes is a big turn-on.”

  27.

  Come Home

  I’d barely been gone for a month, but driving back through Spokane and into Riverton felt like going to a different country. Everything seemed so small and isolated compared to the hustle and bustle of Seattle that had become my new normal. I was surprised that I didn’t feel anything as I drove past Riverton High and the gas station / garage where Dad used to work. I didn’t miss it here, this physical space, despite it being all I had ever known up until very recently.

  Pulling up to Tough as Nails, however, was a different story. My stomach tightened and my heart clenched seeing movement
behind the glammed Rosie the Riveter window decal. It was Lu. The physical space of evergreen trees and lonely run-down strip mall might not feel like home, but Lu absolutely did. I had forgotten that in all the distraction and drama of being around boys who like boys for the first time in my life. But one glimpse of Lu doing her nails at the sad manicure table, and I knew how much I needed her.

  I hopped out of Dad’s pickup and shut the door. The noise made Lu look up. When she saw me, the nail polish in her hand fell to the floor.

  I gave her a weak wave, causing the massive boob I wore from my solo portion of the Great Behind to wobble back and forth.

  “Hi, Lu,” I called through the window.

  She didn’t respond. Instead, she whipped around and marched right into the back office. I could hear her slam the door, even from outside.

  “Lu!” I yelled. “I’m so sorry!”

  Someone stepped out into the hallway. At first, I thought it had worked and Lu was going to come back out, but it was Aunt Carol. She came to the front door and swung it open, bells tinkling as it moved. Hearing them ting sent another stab of homesickness through my heart. Lu and I had spent so much time in that salon. We belonged together. This couldn’t be the end of our friendship.

  Aunt Carol frowned at the beige fabric bulging from my torso. “What in the hell are you wearing?”

  I laughed at the look on her face: her eyes all bugged out, her focus so drawn to the padding that she didn’t notice her blond-streaked red hair sticking to her lip gloss.

  “I’ve been a total boob, Aunt Carol. I came to apologize.”

  “You came all this way from Seattle?”

  I nodded, and Aunt Carol smiled, her eyes welling up.

  “I don’t know that Lu wants to talk,” she said, looking over her shoulder to the closed office. She sighed, and I knew we were both thinking about how stubborn Lu could be when she was upset. Even though Lu was rightfully angry, I needed her to hear me out. “But you might as well give it a try.”