25 Reasons to Hate Christmas and Cowboys

by Elle Thorpe

  I shook my head. “You have a way with words, you know.”

  “Thank you.” She grinned. “Quit changing the subject though. Spill.”

  “Okay. I think I need to prewarn you about my mama.” I glanced over at her and took in the surprise on her face. “My mama…”

  “Doesn’t ever like the girls you bring home?”

  I blew out a breath. “Yeah. I’m sorry. I don’t know why. I didn’t even notice at first, when I was young and dumb and too wrapped up in the girl. But it’s become a bit of a thing. She’s really tough on anyone I bring home.”

  “No one is good enough for her baby boy, huh?”

  I cringed, but Isabel’s smile didn’t waver. In fact, it only grew. “You worry too much. I’m a big girl, Johnny. I can handle your mother.”

  She smiled reassuringly, and the tension seeped out of my shoulders. I pressed the accelerator a little harder.

  We passed under the huge wooden signpost with West’s Ranch swinging from it in the brisk breeze. Trees lined the drive, and snow-capped mountains rose in the distance.

  “Wow,” Isabel whispered, her nose practically pressed to the window. “It looks so different in the daytime. It’s beautiful.”

  Sprawling acres of the property that had been in our family for generations spread out as far as the eye could see. It was a view I regularly took for granted, but watching Isabel take it all in reminded me how lucky I was to grow up here. And one day, as an only child, it would all be mine.

  I snuck little looks at Isabel as we trundled slowly through the property. Questions too big and too intense burned my tongue. I wanted to ask if she’d ever considered leaving the city. If she could be happy without a beach at her door. But I was terrified of scaring her off. Just because I’d developed a whole load of feelings the minute I’d laid eyes on her didn’t mean she had. I knew not everyone was like me.

  My heart was huge and open.

  My mama had told me that many a time, and though people liked to think of me as a heartbreaker, it wasn’t accurate. It was me who’d had my heart broken more than once. But it was just easier to let people think that it was me who didn’t want to commit.

  I didn’t want to make the same mistakes with Isabel. I hadn’t dated anyone in almost a year, since my last breakup, determined to get it right next time. I could wait and win her over. I refused to think about the fact she’d only be here for three more weeks. If that was all I got, then I’d take it.

  The alternative was walking away and getting no time at all.

  Not an option.

  I followed the track that passed the main house, since that was the only one that led to the barn in the back, but Isabel tapped me on the arm and frowned at me. “Is your mama inside?”

  I shrugged. “It’s snowing, so she’s probably baking.”

  “Can I meet her?”

  I gawked at her. “I just told you how my mother doesn’t like anyone I bring home, and you’re actually asking to meet her?”

  “Seems rude to pass by and not at least say hello.”

  I pulled up, and Isabel grabbed Toto from the floor. She wrapped her scarf around the kitten and we hurried through the snow and into the warmth of the house. “Mama!” I yelled, taking Isabel’s jacket. Mama’s house was always extra warm, what with the fireplaces and her oven always running.

  “Kitchen!”

  “Oh wow, it smells amazing in here,” Isabel said as she followed me in.

  At the sound of Isabel’s voice, Mama lifted her head.

  “Mama, this is—”

  “Isabel.” Mama wiped her hands on a kitchen towel and, to my surprise, gave Isabel a warm smile. “It’s lovely to meet you, honey. You hungry? I’ve got snickerdoodles coming out my ears. You want one?”

  “Sorry. Snicker-what?” Isabel laughed.

  Mama frowned. “You haven’t ever had a snickerdoodle?”

  Isabel peered around at the table full of cookies in various stages of completion, then shook her head. “No, not that I’m aware of. If that’s what I can smell though, I’d love one.”

  Mama scooped up a handful of cookies and pressed them into Isabel’s free hand. Toto poked her head out from Isabel’s scarf and meowed loudly.

  Mama jumped back. “Oh my. It’s a cat. I didn’t even see it all bundled up there.” She stepped forward again. “May I?”

  “Please. Her name is Toto the Second.”

  A frown wrinkled Mama’s forehead and I braced myself. The nice-guy act had to falter soon. Most of our animals—the ones who had names, that is—had sensible, sturdy names, like Hank the old tabby cat, who could no longer be bothered catching the mice. Or Fred, our basset hound. Or me. Johnny was hardly a creative name.

  “Did you name her?” she asked, and Isabel nodded.

  “That’s very cute.” She focused back on the kitten. “Hey there, Toto the Second. Let’s see if we can find you something to eat.”

  My jaw dropped open. Isabel shot me a look that plainly said, What are you talking about? Your mother is a sweet little lady! But I couldn’t give her anything because I was still trying to work out what was going on myself.

  “Can I use the bathroom please, Mrs. West?” Isabel asked politely after she’d eaten two of Mama’s snickerdoodles.

  Mama waved down the hallway. “Of course. Second door on the left. And call me Anna. No need to be so formal.”

  Isabel shot me a triumphant grin, and I watched her walk away. The second she was out of earshot, I sidled up to my mother’s side. “What are you playing at?”

  She put the cat down with a saucer of milk and crossed her arms over her chest. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “You are never this nice when I bring women home.”

  “You don’t normally bring women home. You bring girls.”

  I shook my head. “You’ve known Isabel for five minutes, how would you know?”

  She narrowed her eyes at me. “Same way you knew. I read that list. She’s gone through some stuff. And now she’s on the other side of the world, at Christmas time, all alone. You think Hannah Borland would have had the guts to even drive to the next town by herself?”

  I frowned at the mention of my last girlfriend. Though she had a point.

  “You don’t go through what Isabel’s been through without coming out the other side a grown woman. I should know. And you know it too. She’s different. I don’t need to know her long to see it. Just like you didn’t.”

  I blinked at my mother. I felt like I’d stepped into a parallel universe. She chuckled, patted my cheek, and turned back to where Toto was curling herself around her legs.

  Isabel reappeared in the doorway and smiled brightly at the three of us. “What did I miss?”

  “Do you want to come for Christmas lunch?” I blurted out.

  Isabel’s eyes widened, and she shot a glance at my mother. I did the same. Before that moment, I hadn’t really thought about Christmas Day. In fact, I’d been actively trying to avoid thinking about it because I knew Isabel was leaving on the twenty-sixth. But Mama’s words had startled something loose inside me. She was right when she’d said Isabel was different. And I had known it the first time I’d seen her. The fact Mama saw it too, though, that was new.

  Mama looked between the two of us thoughtfully.

  “Oh no,” Isabel stuttered, looking directly at Mama. “I couldn’t impose like that.”

  “You wouldn’t be,” Mama interrupted. “We don’t do nothin’ fancy. Just me, Johnny, his father Harry, and a roast dinner. I’d quite like another woman for some company. And no one should spend Christmas alone.”

  I breathed out a sigh of relief. Until she’d said that, I hadn’t really been sure if Mama was serious or not with her “I heart Isabel” act. The oven beeped and Mama bustled away to check her baking.

  “Please come,” I said quietly, moving to stand beside Isabel again. “I really want you to.”

  She looked up at me, her eyes searching mine. “Why wou
ld you want a stranger at your table?”

  I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “You don’t feel like a stranger. I feel like I’ve known you all my life.”

  She bit her bottom lip, and my heart stuttered. Shit! I was being too intense. I’d known this woman a week, for Christ’s sake. I was going to terrify her and she’d go running back to Australia, telling her friends of the crazy country guy who’d stalked her. I ran my hand through my hair. “Damn, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

  “No!” Isabel grasped my arm. “You should have. It was very sweet. I don’t mind spending Christmas alone, but dinner sounds lovely too.”

  “You sure? You’re kind of locking yourself into hanging out with me for the next two and a bit weeks by saying yes to Christmas Day this early in the month.”

  A smile lifted the corner of her mouth, her voice soft. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

  Mama cleared her throat, and both Isabel and I jumped. She raised an eyebrow and Isabel’s cheeks went pink. I shot the older woman a dirty look, though it was probably for the best that she had interrupted us. I’d been feeling the urge to kiss Isabel again, and I certainly didn’t want our first kiss being in front of my mother. But if it didn’t happen soon…

  Mama clapped her hands together. “It’s settled then. Isabel will come for Christmas.”

  I just hoped I’d managed to kiss her before then.

  7

  Isabel

  The bed in my room at the B & B squeaked beneath my weight as I flopped on the mattress. Opening my laptop, I brought up the Skype app and checked the time. It was 6:47 p.m. in Wyoming, which meant it was midmorning the next day in Sydney. Perfect time to call Lila. Any earlier and she probably would have been sleeping off her Saturday night hangover.

  I tugged off my boots while I waited and rubbed my cold feet. I made a mental note to remember not to wear suede boots next time I went out to Johnny’s place. I wasn’t sure my toes would ever recover.

  “Hey!” Lila’s smiling face filled my laptop screen, but as I’d expected, her hair was a ratty nest around her head, and she had last night’s mascara still smeared beneath her bleary-looking eyes.

  “Big night?”

  She held up a mug of something steaming. Knowing Lila, it was an extra-strength coffee. “I’ll be good as soon as this kicks in. But who cares about me! How’s the Wild West?”

  I giggled, remembering the wooden signpost at Johnny’s place. “Funny you should mention west. I met a guy.”

  “What? You did not!”

  “I did.”

  “Name. Age. Cock size. Tell me immediately.”

  I laughed and shook my head. “Johnny West. He’s…I don’t know actually. Early twenties? I think maybe a little younger than me. I should ask that.”

  “Aaaaand?” Lila prompted.

  I snorted. “I have no idea how big his dick is, Lila. I haven’t even kissed the guy yet.”

  Lila pouted her disappointment. So I threw her a bone. “He’s big everywhere else though so…”

  Lila squealed, and I shushed her. “Be quiet! The walls here are thin, and I don’t want to scare the people in the next room with our hypothesizing of Johnny’s penis size.”

  “When did you meet this guy anyway? Today?”

  “No, no. Last week. We’ve been out a couple of times now.”

  Lila raised an eyebrow. “And you haven’t even kissed yet?”

  “No? Is that bad?”

  Lila shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, it’s a hell of a lot slower than I’ve moved since about the sixth grade. Pretty sure Andrew Lincoln kissed me on the first date when we were twelve.”

  I groaned.

  Lila gave me a sympathetic look. “Do you think you’ve been friend-zoned?”

  I buried my face in a pillow. “I hope not! I really want to kiss him, Li. He’s so big and he’s got these broad shoulders and brown eyes I could just drown in.”

  “So why hasn’t there been any tongue tangling already?”

  I shrugged.

  Lila sipped her coffee. “You haven’t dated much since Lach—”

  I groaned even louder. “Don’t make me hang up on you. I don’t want to talk about that douchebag. And I have dated since him.”

  “Yeah, but it’s December and the twenty-fourth—”

  “I’m fine. He has nothing to do with why I haven’t kissed Johnny yet. I almost kissed him when we went out today. Twice actually. It’ll happen.”

  Lila nodded. “Good. Call me immediately when it does. Bonus points if he’s still with you so I can meet him.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Okay, Mum. So anyway. Tell me what’s going on in Sydney? I miss the beach. And you.”

  “Yeah, the weather has been crackin’ this week. I’m going to have the worst tan lines. I have news though! You remember that killer apartment the real estate guy told us about—”

  “The apartment overlooking the beach? With the balcony and to-die-for kitchen?”

  “That’s the one. It just came on the market.”

  “Oh, what? The real estate agent said it wasn’t going to be available until after I got home!” There was a distinct wail in my voice. “Dammit. I really wanted that place. It would have been perfect for us.”

  Lila cleared her throat. “Well good. Because I sort of already put in an application. I might have forged your signature.”

  A thrill of excitement raced through me. “You did? Eeee! I mean, I should probably care that I haven’t even seen the place in person.”

  Lila shook her head. “You don’t even need to. I swear, it’s the most perfect apartment two single girls could ask for. We’re going to have so much fun.”

  I’d been staying with Lila in her one-bedroom apartment ever since things had ended with Lachlan. I was grateful for the roof over my head, but two women trying to share a single bathroom in the mornings was a nightmare. And it was too far from the beach for my liking. We’d been looking for a new place for months, but real estate in Sydney was a joke. Anything good was way above our price range or snapped up immediately. This apartment was my dream place. It was at the very top of our price bracket, but I’d work overtime every night if it meant getting to fall asleep listening to the waves crash outside my window. The salt air breeze would surround me day in and day out. A sense of peace and calm washed over me at the thought. I needed some of that. The last year after Lachlan and I had called it quits had been the worst of my life. I needed a new beginning. A fresh start. And an amazing new apartment was the beginning of all that.

  A knock at my door interrupted my beach apartment daydreaming. “Li, I gotta go. I think the owner is at my door. But you call me the minute you hear about our application, okay?”

  “Of course. Talk later. Enjoy finding out how big Johnny West’s cock is!” she practically singsonged.

  I waved at the screen. “Love ya.”

  I shut my laptop with flourish and bounded off the bed to open the door, grinning from ear to ear. Johnny stood on the other side, holding shopping bags and wearing a smile almost as big as mine.

  I tilted my head to look up at him. “What are you doing here?”

  “I heard you needed to find out how big Johnny West’s cock is, so I brought it over for you to inspect.”

  I slapped a hand over my face and peeked out at him from between my fingers. “Oh my God. You heard that?”

  “I heard that. Pretty sure Eric downstairs at the desk heard it. Are you Aussie girls always that loud?”

  “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

  He smirked.

  I held the door open wider, motioning for him to come in. “What’s in the bags?”

  He handed them to me, and my skin sparked when it brushed his. God, that physical connection between us was overwhelming sometimes. He was so big, he made the spacious bedroom feel small. His presence alone crowded in on me, but not in a way that was stifling. Only in a way that made me want to get even closer. I wanted to be wrapped a
nd cocooned in it, until all I could see, think, and hear was Johnny West. Lila was right. It was weird that we hadn’t even kissed yet. After our near lip-lock that morning, I couldn’t stop thinking about what his kisses would be like. Mind-blowing, no doubt. I hoped so anyway. I’d waited over a week to kiss this man. He’d better live up to the expectation.

  I opened the first bag and choked on a laugh. I reached in, grabbed the contents, and shook the packet of sanitary pads at Johnny. “What the hell, West? You’re about a week too late, if I’m being honest.” I peered back inside the bag. There were several more packets. “Do you own stock in this company or something?”

  I tossed the packet at his head and he caught it easily. “Good catch for a second string.”

  He frowned at me, but I could see the amusement in his eyes.

  The mystery deepened when I opened the other bag and pulled out a hot glue gun, glitter, and various other craft supplies. I dropped it all on my bed and then looked at Johnny helplessly. “Okay, you’re really going to have to explain, because none of this makes any sense. Did you rob a kindergarten, then stop at a gas station on your way back? What is all this?”

  He flopped down on my bed. “Arts and crafts night.”

  “Say what?”

  “Christmas disaster number three. Your Christmas Day centerpiece that you made when you were a kid caught fire in the middle of dinner.”

  I wrinkled my nose. “Yeah, a candle got knocked over and the whole thing went up in a fireball. I blame the apparently nontoxic glue I used. Didn’t smell that nontoxic when it was on fire, I tell you that much. What’s the sanitary pads got to do with anything though?”

  “Christmas disaster number twenty-one. The year your Secret Santa at work brought you ah…girly items from the bathroom vending machine.”

  I folded my arms across my chest. “Yeah. That was super fun to open in front of all my male co-workers.”

  Johnny snorted. “So we’re combining the two. Apparently pad art is a thing. And since you’re coming to Christmas lunch at our place, and I gave up making the centerpieces when I was eleven, we are in dire need of a Christmas Day masterpiece.”