Close to Home

by Janet Gover

  ‘But you will be leaving.’

  Her whispered words brought reality back with a crash. Yes. They would. Their break would end soon and the circus would go on the road. That was his life and he loved it. He couldn’t imagine doing anything else. But then again, he couldn’t imagine leaving Jenny behind.

  ‘Not for ages yet.’ He didn’t really believe that. ‘No-one has said anything yet, but it won’t be until after Christmas. We can have Christmas together.’

  ‘But then you’ll leave.’

  ‘When that time comes, we’ll figure out how to deal with it. And I’ll come back next year.’

  ‘It won’t be the same.’

  She was right. By next year she might have forgotten all about him and found someone else, someone more deserving of her than some circus drifter. That thought was like a knife in his heart. He pulled her to his chest, wanting to hold her there and never let her go, afraid that in the end, he would have no choice and it would break not just her heart, but his too.

  ‘Come on.’ He grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet. ‘Let’s get out of here.’

  ‘Where are we going?’

  Not to the camp. He didn’t want to go anywhere near the circus. It would only serve to remind them of the inevitable breakup ahead. ‘I don’t know. I just want to feel free.’

  ‘Me too.’

  Finn handed Jenny the spare helmet he now thought of as hers, then pulled on his own. He swung his leg over the bike and hit the starter. He felt Jenny slip into place behind him. Her arms went around his waist and her body moved close to his. He couldn’t hear her voice, but he could feel her. Feel her eagerness and her joy and her—dare he say her love for him?

  He twisted his wrist. The bike engine roared and they were away, leaving Nyringa and the circus lot and everyone they knew behind. Finn wanted to ride forever, away from a world that would separate him and Jenny and find someplace that could be theirs … together. But after a while, common sense came sneaking into his brain. He looked at his fuel gauge. He thought about his lack of licence. And he thought about the precious girl on the bike behind him. He slowed and pulled over to the side of the road.

  ‘We have to go back.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Don’t be.’ She laid her hand gently on his shoulder.

  He turned around and set off back the way they had come. When he reached the old Connelly place, he turned in the gate and drove past the circle of camper vans without pausing. His father had been away from the camp all day. Finn didn’t know where and he didn’t care. He just wanted to take advantage of this time to be with Jenny. He took her to his training area.

  ‘I’ve got an idea,’ he said in the silence that seemed very quiet after the roar of the engine. ‘Do you want to learn to ride the bike?’

  ‘Yes. Of course. But that’s not going to change anything.’

  He held up a hand. ‘One step at a time. Leave your helmet on.’

  This time he got on behind her and, after explaining how everything worked, he reached around her and placed his hands over hers on the handlebar.

  ‘Ready?’

  She nodded and he gently turned the accelerator. Jenny tensed as the bike moved steadily forward, then stopped.

  ‘Like that.’

  Jenny nodded.

  ‘Let’s do it again.’ Finn steered a straight line to the other end of the track. They did that twice, then Finn decided Jenny could do it alone. He stepped off the pillion seat. He held his breath as the bike began to move. Jenny wobbled a little, but stayed upright. Then she turned and came back, more confident and stable this time. She pulled up next to him.

  ‘Yes!’ He put his arms on her shoulders, literally jumping up and down. ‘That was great. You’re a natural. Now we need to get you doing the circle.’

  Jenny’s face was glowing with pleasure and pride. ‘This is fun, but why …?’

  ‘It’s just an idea I’ve got. Come on. Circle. Now remember, don’t get tense. You’ll only be going slowly, so don’t lean too far into the curve. You went with me when I did it so I know you can do it.’

  And she did. After a couple of wobbles, she had the bike moving smoothly around the circle track created by the past few weeks of rehearsals. Finn applauded and signalled her to pull over next to him. Then he put his helmet on.

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘I’m going to ride behind you. And then I’m going to stand up.’

  ‘No, Finn. I’m not good enough. I’ll wobble or something and you’ll fall and get hurt and it will all be my fault.’

  ‘No. I won’t fall. I’m an acrobat, remember. We can do this. Come on. Don’t you want to be part of my act?’

  That made her pause. ‘A part of your act?’

  ‘Yes. That’s my idea. I’ll tell you all about it in a minute. First we have to do this.’

  Finn swung onto the bike behind her and lifted his feet onto the footrests. Jenny wobbled as the bike began to move, but he knew it was just nerves.

  ‘You’re doing just fine,’ he said into her ear, hoping she could hear him. Then he placed his hands on her shoulders and slowly raised himself until he was standing on the footrests. There was nothing to it. Jenny kept the bike moving steadily. He lifted one foot then the other onto the leather bike seat, crouching behind Jenny. One more circuit of the ring, then he gently squeezed her shoulders before rising to his feet. He lifted his arms and spread them wide.

  It was the most wonderful feeling.

  They completed a circuit of the track. Once, twice, without a missed beat or a wobble. Then a figure appeared from the direction of the sheds and Jenny stiffened, the bike wobbled, and Finn felt himself falling. Instinctively he tucked in his arms and legs and rounded his back. He heard a crash as the bike toppled over and was almost on his feet when Jenny flung herself at him.

  ‘Finn! Are you all right?’

  ‘I’m fine.’ He pushed her away to hold her at arm’s length while he looked her up and down. ‘What about you? Are you hurt?’

  She shook her head and as she did, she looked past him and her eyes widened.

  ‘What the fuck do you two think you’re doing?’

  Finn spun to face his furious father, trying to push Jenny behind him. ‘We were just—’

  ‘No. Don’t even attempt to explain. What is wrong with you, boy? If it’s not one thing it’s another. Are you all right?’ The question was asked of Jenny, not Finn.

  She nodded, but stayed close to Finn’s side. He caught her hand and squeezed it, not sure if he was giving her courage or drawing courage from her.

  ‘Well, thank God for that. You’re an idiot, boy. If this girl had been hurt, think of the trouble that would have caused the circus. Caused me.’

  ‘We were being careful.’

  ‘Yeah? That’s what you call careful?’ Finn flinched as his father waved a hand at the bike, lying on its side in the dirt. ‘At least you were wearing helmets. I suppose I should be grateful for that.’

  ‘But …’

  ‘No. I don’t want to hear it. Pick up that bike and take it back to the Mancini brothers. Madame wants a full dress rehearsal before we go on the road and that does not include any stupid motorcycle stunts from you. Now get to it while I take this girl home where she belongs. And you, girl—stay away from my son. You are not one of us.’

  Finn’s heart was thumping and it had nothing to do with the accident. His plan was crumbling around him. They were going back on the road. He never thought he’d hate that idea, but at this moment, they were the last words he wanted to hear. He tried to catch Jenny’s eyes as his father led her away. He caught a glimpse of her pale face, then all he could see was her back moving through the trees towards the distant buildings. He was half-tempted to ride into town and wait for Jenny, but that would only make things worse.

  He walked slowly to where the motorcycle lay. He pulled it upright and wiped off some of the dust. He followed his
father and Jenny towards the lot, pushing the dusty bike as he went.

  Simon saw Ron Whelan approaching from the bush behind the lot and recognised Jenny walking beside him. Finn followed, pushing the borrowed motorcycle. So, the kids had been found out, and from the look on Ron’s face, he wasn’t too pleased. Simon changed his mind about his destination and approached them. Ron would never hurt Jenny, but he did have a bit of a temper, and judging from the look on the girl’s face, she would probably be better off without his anger directed at her.

  ‘Hey, Ron.’

  ‘Simon. Those bloody kids. No common sense. No thought for safety. They’re lucky no-one was hurt.’

  Simon’s heart contracted at the mere thought of an accident. ‘Are you all right, Jenny?’

  The girl nodded, although to Simon it looked like she was about to burst into tears.

  ‘That fool of a son of mine had her riding one of the Mancini brothers’ motorcycles.’

  That didn’t come as a surprise to Simon. Not much went on within the troupe that he didn’t know about. And what he didn’t know, his grandmother did. In fact, now he thought about it, Finn’s desire to grow and explore his talent was just the sort of thing his grandmother would encourage. Or would have once. She too had become more cautious since the accident.

  ‘I’m just going to drive her into town. I’ll speak to her parents about this. They need to keep her under control.’

  The look on Ron’s face suggested it would not be an easy conversation. Simon was sure it would be better for everyone if Ron stayed well away from Jenny’s parents.

  ‘Actually, I have to run into town now for some supplies,’ Simon lied. ‘I’ll drop her off and have a word with her parents, if you like. I imagine you’re pretty busy with setting up the big top and getting ready for the rehearsals.’

  ‘Yeah, but Finn is my responsibility so I should explain.’

  ‘Let me do it, Ron. I know Grand-mère wants to keep a good relationship with the townspeople, so it’s probably better if you’re not there. Her parents are less likely to get angry at me.’

  ‘Maybe …’

  ‘Jenny, go and get in my car,’ Simon told the girl before Ron could change his mind. ‘I’ll be with you in a minute.’

  Jenny looked very pleased to escape.

  Simon ducked back inside the house to get his phone and wallet. ‘I’m just going into town, Grand-mère,’ he called and left before she could ask any questions. Later, they would need to discuss Ron. Simon was feeling more and more uncertain about the man every time they spoke.

  Jenny didn’t say anything as they drove down the gravel track and onto the main road.

  ‘Do you want to tell me what happened?’

  ‘Are you really leaving?’ She looked at him with blue eyes swimming with tears.

  ‘Well, that depends what you mean. This is my grandmother’s home. I’m staying here with her. But if you mean is the circus leaving? Yes—it’s a travelling circus. That’s what they have to do.’ To his consternation, she started sobbing as if her heart had been ripped apart. ‘Jenny. Don’t cry. Please tell me what this is all about. Are you all right? Are you sure you didn’t hurt yourself in the accident?’

  She shook her head which he took to mean she wasn’t hurt.

  ‘We’ll be at your home in a few minutes, all right?’

  ‘No.’

  The vehemence of her reply startled him. Just moments ago she had been in a flood of tears.

  ‘I don’t want to go home. I don’t want Mum and Dad to see me like this.’ She wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

  ‘All right. Where shall I take you? How about your Aunt Alice?’

  ‘Oh God, no! That would be even worse.’

  Simon hid a chuckle of agreement as the girl thought quickly.

  ‘Can you drop me at school?’

  ‘There won’t be anyone there.’

  ‘Miss Walker will be there. I like her.’

  ‘But it’s Sunday. She might be busy.’

  ‘No, she’s not.’ Jenny seemed very sure. ‘She doesn’t go out at all other than when she goes to see you. I think she likes you.’

  ‘Well, I like her too. She’s a very nice person and I’m sure she’s a good teacher.’

  ‘Not like that. She likes you.’

  Simon suddenly felt about fifteen years old. He wasn’t entirely sure that he wasn’t blushing. He should say something. Deny the girl’s suggestion, or tell her it was wrong to talk about her teacher like that. But he was too busy listening to the happy beating of his own heart. Jenny cast a sideways glance in his direction, and suddenly her tears were gone and she was giggling. He wasn’t quite sure how the conversation had ended up about him and Meg, but at least Jenny had stopped crying.

  Still a bit uncertain if he was doing the right thing, he pulled up outside the teacher’s house.

  ‘Thanks.’ Jenny got out and darted up the stairs to knock on the door.

  Simon told himself he was waiting just to make sure Jenny was okay. But when Meg opened the door, he understood the real reason why he had waited. The teacher spoke briefly to Jenny, then glanced at Simon. She smiled and gave him a half-wave to indicate everything was all right.

  Reluctantly, Simon started the engine and backed out into the street.

  CHAPTER

  21

  Meg knew where to find Simon. She parked her car near the big shed. A couple of the circus troupe waved to her as she approached the shed’s door, where the smell of fresh paint greeted her. Simon was perched on a low stool, painting bright green scales on a dragon. She paused to watch him. He was totally focused on what he was doing, bent close to his work under two bright lights that made the wet paint gleam. His feet were surrounded by pots and jars containing brushes and evil-smelling liquids. Meg knew that, had she been the one sitting there, at least one of those pots would have been knocked over in an instant. But not Simon. His awareness of his own body and everything around him made him the least clumsy person she had ever met. Even his leg injury was not enough to make him awkward. Or at least, his physical injury wasn’t. She didn’t know much about the accident, but what she did know was enough to make her think Simon carried internal scars, as she did. He hid his well, perhaps even better than her.

  Perhaps it was time they both stopped hiding them.

  ‘Are you going to watch, or are you going to help?’ Simon turned a grin in her direction.

  What had she been thinking about his awareness of everything around him? ‘I guess I could finish checking those bearings I was looking at the other day.’

  ‘Good. Because I’m not entirely sure I know what a bearing is.’

  ‘How could any male grow up in this environment and know so little about mechanics? You are surrounded by cars and trucks and generators, not to mention all the engines driving the circus apparatus. How did you manage to keep your hands free from grease when you were a boy?’

  ‘I was raised by Lucienne Chevalier. My grandmother sees mechanics as necessary, but lacking in art. She encouraged me in other directions.’

  The affection in his voice was touching.

  ‘Tell me what it was like growing up in a circus.’ Meg settled herself on an upturned wooden crate. Ignoring the oil, gears and bearings, she lifted a piece of wood carved with an elaborate pattern onto her lap. The colourful paint that had once covered it was faded and peeling. Taking a piece of light sandpaper, she began a task so simple her hands were soon moving automatically as she listened to Simon talk.

  ‘Lucienne’s father, my great-grandfather, was one of Europe’s most famous circus men. Before the Second World War, the circus travelled all across Europe. They performed in all the great cities, in front of all the crowned heads of Europe. Circus was honoured as an art. But like so many other things, that all changed with the rise of the Nazis. Many circus performers were classified as Gypsies. And many were Jews. The war …’ He paused and his face took on a distant look. ‘Well, many were lost. A
fter the war, everything was different and then, with the rise of Neo-Nazis in the sixties, my great-grandfather decided it was time to leave. He had seen too much hate and did not want to live with more. And he especially did not want his beloved daughter to experience what he had. So the family and some of the performers came to Australia to live. Grand-mère was about twenty at the time.’

  ‘She must have been quite something then. I mean, she’s quite something even now.’

  ‘Yes. Yes, she is. It was rumoured that a certain prince fell in love with her. The story goes that he offered to make her a queen, but my grandmother would never tell. She fell in love with another performer. My grandfather Jean-Luc. Lucienne worked with horses. She was—I guess “horse dancer” is the best description. She had liberty horses and performed elaborate acrobatics on them. It was as if both she and the horses were dancing. Coco, the mare out there in the stable, is the last of them. Grand-mère was marvellous to watch. Everyone loved her. But she loved only Jean-Luc. He was an aerialist. They did not have long enough together.’

  Meg felt sadness heavy in the air as Simon’s voice trailed off. She wanted to reach out to comfort him, but such a thing was still beyond her.

  ‘He was killed in a trapeze accident, leaving her with one child. My mother.’

  ‘Oh, how awful. To lose the man she loved like that.’ As she spoke, Meg saw a shaft of pain cross Simon’s face. He too had lost someone he loved to the circus. She groped for some way to change the subject, but before she found anything, Simon slowly smiled.

  ‘That’s circus life. It’s one of the things we accept, because we can live no other way.’

  ‘Your mother?’

  ‘My mother lives in Adelaide. She’s a librarian. My dad is an accountant. Grand-mère used to tease her that she married the most boring man she could find just to annoy her.’

  Meg suppressed a giggle. ‘Is he?’

  ‘No. He’s a good man and they are really happy together. My mother just didn’t like the circus. In fact, she hated it. She left as soon as she was old enough and never came back. Of course, my twin sister Michelle and I were different. We wanted nothing else but to be performers.’