Close to Home

by Janet Gover

  ‘Logic tells me no. But there’s no real place for logic when I think about this.’

  ‘I am so, so sorry.’

  She glanced at his face and realised that, for the first time, she had told her story to someone who really understood. Perhaps not the attack itself, but the emotional struggle that had followed it.

  Simon let go of the steering wheel with one hand and reached out to touch her arm. Just briefly. An offer of comfort. For the first time since that day, Meg didn’t flinch. Simon’s hand on her arm, lying over the scar, took some of the ugliness away.

  ‘You know, people said all the right things. Told me it wasn’t my fault. Told me I had done the right thing trying to help my student. Intellectually, I know all that. Hearing people say them didn’t help.’ She took a deep breath. ‘That’s more than I ever told anyone—not my parents, not even my therapist. How is it that you understand when no-one else did?’

  ‘Because I’ve been to that same place.’ His voice was soft, and dripped with anguish.

  ‘Your sister?’

  In the darkness, she felt him nod.

  ‘I’m so, so sorry.’ She echoed his words.

  ‘Thank you.’

  Silence settled over the vehicle again. This time, it was a good silence. The ghosts were still there. They always would be. But they were no longer an impossible burden.

  CHAPTER

  33

  Lucienne had developed a deep hatred for the clock on Alice’s sideboard. It was an ugly thing, its fake gold exterior made dull by age. For several hours now the machine’s ticking had punctuated the silence in the room, as if to remind them of why they were waiting.

  Tick. Tock.

  The cat was curled up on the sofa beside Lucienne, so deeply asleep it wasn’t purring. Aunt Alice was in her armchair, eyes closed and head back. The small snores that occasionally escaped her lips told Lucienne that Alice was asleep. Lucienne envied her. The remains of yet another pot of tea sat on the table between them. The cups had not been emptied. There was a limit to how much tea anyone could drink in one evening, and Lucienne suspected they had passed that quite some time ago. But making tea was the only thing they had to do. Make tea and listen to the clock.

  Tick. Tock.

  Although it was still dark outside, dawn would be making an appearance soon. Lucienne so wanted to see the sun peep above the horizon. She was worried. Not just for Finn and the girl, but also for Simon. He would have been driving all night. She did not even wish to think of all the things that could have happened—dozing off at the wheel, a kangaroo or livestock on the road … And it might all be for nothing. They could be wrong and when Simon and Meg finally caught up with Cartwright’s Circus, the runaways might not even be there. As was the way among circus folk, Lucienne knew the eponymous Mack Cartwright well enough to be sure he would certainly give two runaway kids a safe bed for the night. If Finn and Jenny weren’t there, Lucienne had no idea what to do next. She probably should call the police but this was a family matter, and should be settled within the family. To spare the kids, if nothing else.

  Tick …

  ‘I hate that clock.’ Alice opened her eyes and glared at the offending item. ‘I always have. It was a wedding gift.’ She pulled herself slowly to her feet and walked across to the sideboard. ‘My husband liked it. I don’t know why I’ve kept it all these years. But enough is enough.’ She picked the clock up and fiddled with something at the back. The steady beat stopped and the room was blissfully silent.

  ‘Thank you,’ Lucienne said. ‘I have wanted to do that since around midnight.’

  ‘And I’ve been wanting to do it for years. Do you want more tea?’

  Lucienne shook her head. ‘I am swimming in tea.’

  ‘Me too.’ Alice settled in her seat. ‘So, to pass the time, tell me about your circus. And this poor boy, Finn.’

  Lucienne nodded. ‘Poor, poor Finn. I should have known. It is my cirque. I am responsible. But these months, I have not done my duty. I have been grieving my loss, and I have seen only Simon’s pain.’

  ‘How did that Ron become circus boss? Has he been with you long?’

  ‘He has been with us for several years—since Finn was a young boy. His mother was still with them when they joined. She was a quiet woman. I always felt she was trying to make herself small and harder to notice. Perhaps now I know why. Ron was a good performer, professional and popular. He trained Finn to follow him. We had another ringmaster then. A good man and a good friend to my troupe. After the accident … When my Michelle fell, that man left.’

  ‘Was it his fault?’

  ‘Non. There was no blame. But he felt it anyway and he left us. Simon would have taken care of le cirque, but he was in hospital—his leg. It took many weeks to heal. I was with him and so I gave le cirque to Ron. I see now that was a mistake. I did not know what was happening. Simon and I did not go back for long. We visited once or twice, but then we came here. I failed my family. Both Simon and the family cirque.’

  ‘You were grieving. That was understandable.’

  Lucienne shook her head. ‘No. I had a duty. And I failed. I am too old now. Too frail. The accident—it took more from us than our beloved Michelle. It wasn’t just Simon’s leg that was broken. Bones heal easily when you are young and healthy. The heart and the soul, they do not heal so well.’

  ‘The young are strong.’

  ‘Yes. But not so much the old. Simon is healing. I see it in him. He will find his way. But to me, Michelle was more my daughter than her mother was. For an old woman, who has seen too many years and too much grief, strength is not so easy to find.’

  ‘I think you are stronger than you know, Madame.’

  Lucienne smiled at the use of her title. ‘Perhaps. We will see.’

  ‘You will leave and go on the road with the circus?’

  ‘No. I do not think so. I think this will be a good place to live.’ Lucienne glanced over at Alice. The woman nodded and smiled gently. For the first time, Lucienne began to think that perhaps Alice no longer wished her gone. ‘I will stay here. It is time that Simon put aside his grief. He should now take le cirque.’

  ‘That might not please our new teacher.’

  ‘She too is young and I think she too has known grief and dark days. I believe they will manage.’

  ‘Listen to us,’ Alice said, ‘two old women trying to organise the lives of others, and that’s what got us here in the first place.’

  ‘C’est vrai. But it is hard not to want the best for those you love. You did not have children?’

  ‘Charles and I … well, ours was not a great passion. We did hope for children, but it never happened. It’s my biggest regret.’

  ‘This is more important than the boy who left?’

  Alice started to reply, then stopped. Was it? After all these years, where did her love belong? The answer was simple, yet she had ignored it for far too long.

  ‘I have a large family. I love them and they love me. That is enough. It is all I ever wanted.’

  ‘It is all any of us ever wants.’

  They stopped talking, and the silence that settled was comfortable. The kitten by Lucienne’s side stirred, and she stroked it absently. The purring was a far more pleasant sound than the ticking of the clock.

  CHAPTER

  34

  Finn was still awake when the light of dawn began to show through the trailer window. Jenny was asleep. She had cried a little during the night, and he’d held her tightly. Now he looked at her sleeping face and realised that when she woke, he was going to take her home. This wasn’t her life. She would try to make a life here, just to be with him, but she wouldn’t be happy. If he didn’t take her back, she would lose herself. He would take her home and then he would leave her, because this was his life.

  He gently lifted a few stray strands of hair from her face. She was so beautiful, and she had taught him something very important. She’d taught him what family was supposed to be, or perh
aps more importantly, what family was not supposed to be. Family could be dull and predictable. Parents could be annoying and restrictive and sometimes accidentally hurtful. But the one thing they were, above all else, was safe. Or at least they should be. They should be the people you could always rely on to look after you, and never ever deliberately hurt you.

  And the only family he had—his father—wasn’t that.

  Carefully, Finn eased himself out of bed. Jenny slept on, no doubt exhausted and not just by the long night’s journey. Finn should be exhausted too, but he really wasn’t. He slipped out of the trailer, closing the door quietly behind him. This was the time of day he loved the best. It was warm and the morning breeze was lifting the brightly coloured flags flying above the big top. All around him the circus was beginning to awake. Some people had flung open the doors of their trailers, and their breakfast smells were mingling with those coming from the catering tent. People were greeting each other like the friends and colleagues—extended family, really—that they were. This was the camaraderie that had kept him going over the past few years, after his mother left and his father started using his fists. He would find it again here, in this circus, where he was safe. On his first pay day, he’d get himself a mobile phone so he and Jenny could stay in touch. He’d visit her whenever he could and maybe one day, if his father left Le Cirque Chevalier, he’d rejoin Madame’s troupe, the best family he’d ever known.

  In the meantime, he would find some breakfast for himself and Jenny. And then take her home.

  The first person he saw in the food tent was Mack Cartwright. Mack was the one Finn had spoken to last night. The one who’d given him and Jenny a place to sleep.

  ‘Good morning, Mr Cartwright,’ Finn said as he approached.

  ‘Ah. Young Finn.’

  The circus community was a small one and most of the troupes knew each other. Finn had seen Cartwright and his father talking when they had crossed paths in the past. They had not been friends, which was one of the reasons Finn had chosen this circus. He still hoped Cartwright wouldn’t tell his father he was here.

  ‘Thanks for putting us up last night. I really appreciate it.’

  ‘No problems, but our head clown is going to want his trailer back.’

  ‘Of course. I—I’m going to take Jenny home today.’

  ‘That’s a wise decision, Finn. She needs to phone her family and let them know she’s all right.’

  ‘Yes, sir. I’ll make sure she does. As soon as she wakes up. But if it’s all right with you, I’ll catch up with you again tomorrow and start work … if you’re still willing to have me.’

  ‘I’m willing to have you, Finn. But I need to be sure this is not going to cause me a problem with your father.’

  ‘It won’t. I guarantee it.’ He tried to sound confident, even though he really wasn’t so sure.

  A voice hailed Cartwright from the direction of the big top. ‘Right. I’ve got stuff to do. You take your girl some breakfast, and make sure you see me before you leave.’

  ‘All right. Thanks, Mr Cartwright.’

  Finn was almost at the trailer, his arms laden with juice and pastries, when he saw the big ute pull off the road into the circus encampment. He knew instantly who it was and caught his breath. Surely they wouldn’t have brought his father … would they?

  He heaved a sigh of relief when only Simon and Meg got out of the car. They saw him almost immediately and hurried over. He braced himself for what was coming. After all, he deserved it.

  ‘Are you all right? Is Jenny with you?’ Simon dropped a hand on his shoulder, but it was friendly rather than threatening.

  ‘Yeah. We’re both here and we’re both fine.’

  ‘Where is Jenny?’ This from the teacher.

  ‘She’s still asleep. I’m just taking her breakfast.’

  Nothing more was said as Finn led them back to the trailer.

  Jenny sat up, blinking in the sunlight that filled the tiny trailer when they opened the door. Her eyes widened when she saw her teacher, then tears came. Miss Walker enveloped Jenny in a hug and, for a moment, all Finn could hear was her sobs.

  ‘I think we’re going to need coffee.’ Simon led him out of the van.

  Neither spoke as they fetched coffee from the food tent. A few of the troupe greeted Simon with a word or a raised hand. With mugs of steaming black liquid in their hands, they made their way to a quiet corner and perched on the bed of an empty trailer.

  Finn knew what was coming and he deserved it. He’d done the wrong thing in bringing Jenny with him. It had been selfish and stupid. He’d wear that and take her home. But he was not going back to his father. He was sixteen and no-one was going to force him to do that.

  Simon put his empty mug on the trailer next to him and drew himself up to speak. ‘I’m sorry, Finn.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m sorry. I let you down.’

  Finn shook his head. This wasn’t what he had expected. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

  ‘I know about your father. Jenny told Meg. I should have stopped him, and I’m sorry for that.’

  ‘You’re not to blame. It’s him. He’s just a cruel bastard who likes to use his fists. That’s why Mum left. I’m sure of it. She tried to hide it, but I can see it all now. All the things I pretended not to notice. I only wish I’d been braver. I would have begged her to take me with her.’

  ‘She was probably too afraid.’

  ‘I understand that now.’

  ‘My grandmother and I should have known what was going on, then and now. You are part of our troupe. You’re our responsibility. And I’m sorry.’

  Finn shrugged. ‘It only started getting really bad for me after Connor left and then he got the ringmaster job. That went to his head. I thought about talking to you, but after the accident, it didn’t seem right. I mean, you had your own problems. And your sister …’

  Beside him, Simon was silent. Finn cast a glance in his direction. Simon was rubbing his leg, staring blindly into the distance as if seeing something that wasn’t there. When at last he spoke, his voice was low and sad, laden with regret.

  ‘It wasn’t just that we lost Michelle. It was more than grief. I felt responsible for what happened.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘It wasn’t my fault? It was a terrible accident? When we choose this life, we must take responsibility. Sometimes it costs us dearly, but that’s the price we pay for the life we love.’

  Finn understood.

  ‘But—’ Simon turned to him, ‘—we don’t take risks. We don’t do things we are not trained and ready for. You know that, don’t you?’

  ‘I’m sorry. I should have talked to you or Madame about wanting the new acts and … everything.’

  ‘Yes, you should have. Putting Jenny on that bike in the ring so soon was dangerous—for both of you.’

  ‘I know. And I know I shouldn’t be riding with her up behind on the open road. Because I don’t have a licence.’

  ‘That’s not the only reason. You put her in danger, Finn. That’s something we never, ever do to the ones we love.’

  ‘I’ve already decided to take her home. This isn’t right for her.’

  ‘I’m pleased to hear you say that.’

  ‘But I’m not going to live with my father. I won’t do it.’

  ‘No. You won’t. We’ll find a solution, Finn. Do you trust me to help with that?’

  Finn nodded.

  ‘Good. So, let’s get that bike of yours loaded into the back of the ute and then we can all go home.’

  ‘I have to tell Jenny.’

  Simon dropped a hand on his shoulder again. ‘Yes, you do.’

  They were loading the bike onto the ute with help from one of the circus hands when Simon’s phone rang. Finn watched his face as he took the call. Simon’s mouth had settled into a grim line by the time he hung up.

  ‘That was Dino,’ Simon told him. ‘You father left the circus sometime overnight. Dino thinks
he figured out you were here.’

  Finn’s heart clenched. ‘I don’t want him to come here. I don’t want him around Jenny.’

  ‘I agree. Let’s get on the road. Once we’re nearly back at Nyringa, we can call him and tell him to come there.’

  Finn nodded. Jenny needed her family around her. As for himself, at some point he would have to face his father. He’d feel much safer doing it surrounded by people who … cared. That was the right word. Simon and Madame and Jenny all cared about him. That was something he hadn’t felt in a long time. He took strength from the knowledge.

  When he and Simon returned to the trailer, they opened the door to find Jenny and Meg chuckling.

  ‘Care to share the joke?’ Simon asked.

  Meg grinned. ‘Nope. No way.’

  Finn’s attention was on Jenny. Her eyes were red from crying, but to him she was still the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She came over to hug him and he held her fiercely.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered in her ear.

  She shook her head. ‘There’s nothing to be sorry about. Let’s go home.’

  CHAPTER

  35

  Alice watched Lucienne’s face as she ended her call and put the phone down. ‘They’ve found them?’

  ‘Oui. Both of them. They are safe and well. It was as Simon suspected. They were with Cartwright’s Circus.’

  ‘They’re bringing Jenny home?’

  ‘They’re bringing both of them home.’

  Alice nodded. ‘What will you do about Finn and his father?’

  ‘Nothing just yet. Simon thinks Ron Whelan is chasing them, and he wants to keep Jenny and Finn away from him. When he feels they are safe, Simon will ring Ron and tell him to come. He is Finn’s father and he needs to know that the boy is all right. But I will not force Finn to go with him. I will give the boy a choice, but if he chooses to leave his father, I will help him.’

  ‘Of course.’ On this they could agree. ‘I’m just going to ring Jenny’s parents and tell them. They’ll be relieved.’

  ‘Could you also ask if perhaps someone would drive me back to Three Rings? I must care for my horse, and refresh myself.’