Scottlander

by Samantha Liddell

  “Shit, crap, oh my God, I just swore. Sorry,” he said.

  Alistair laughed and said, “Aye, no worries Nick. Stay calm and wear a kilt.” That was Alistair’s piece of advice for young Nick.

  As we drove off, Nick repeated, “Stay calm and wear a kilt. What do you think he meant by that?” he asked Scott and I.

  “Aye, I think he meant if you want to get the ladies, go get yourself a kilt.”

  Nick laughed and said, “And maybe some acting lessons!”

  The next day was the day before the day we were due to fly home.

  I felt fine the next morning after my ‘see ya later’ party, just a bit tired, that was all.

  Sophie and James had organised their own little farewell party for the kids. Archie and Bella were not taking the whole Polly and Leah leaving thing so well, so they had a full day of fun planned which did not include me, apparently. Luckily, I was far too tired to feel offended and to stand at the door crying again. I planned to sleep the whole morning.

  No sooner had my lot left for the day than I was straight back into my bed. Just as my head hit the pillow, I got a text from Scott.

  Hey Sassenach, meet me at the New Chapter Restaurant at 12pm today.

  I looked at the time: it was 9am. I could still squeeze in two and a half hours sleep before I would have to leave for lunch. I set the alarm on my phone and drifted off to sleep.

  The next thing I knew, I was making my way to the New Chapter Restaurant on Eyre Place, Edinburgh. A sprinkle of snow lined the sides of the road as I walked down Princes Street. A man was playing bagpipes on the street corner, I flung him a few coins into the hat that was lying on the ground for that purpose. I glided along, feeling as light as a feather, feeling like a new me. I may not be returning home with my Jamie but I was returning home with the newfound Letticia Little.

  I heard a familiar voice calling out my name from across the street. I looked over to see Scott standing there in front of the restaurant, wearing shorts and a singlet. In fact, the exact same outfit that Paul has back in Australia. Why on earth is he wearing Paul’s clothes? He must be freezing! I started to run to him. It felt like my feet were going extra fast, I could have almost tumbled forward, for my body couldn’t keep up with the speed of my feet. I just needed to get to Scott, and into his arms.

  As I reached him he scooped me up and swung me around in a 360degree circle, then placed me back safely on the ground. I felt dizzy. Once I got my balance back I noticed him on one knee, I noticed the sign of the restaurant behind him that said ‘New Chapter,’ I noticed a ring he was holding in his hand. He looked up at me but this time his face resembled Paul, not Scott, I was confused.

  The bagpipe man was now playing the Outlander wedding song behind me. It was all getting too much, I felt trapped and didn’t know how to get out of this situation. I couldn’t marry Scott – I was still married to Paul, I can’t love two men at the same time.

  I turned around and yelled at the bagpipe man to shut the hell up, and at that very moment I found myself sitting upright in bed, dripping in sweat and my bagpipe phone alarm going off. I pulled my hands up to my open mouth, I was in shock and confused. What just happened? What did that dream mean?

  I looked at the time on my phone: it was 11.30am. I had to get up and get ready to go and meet Scott. It would have been easier to just text him and cancel, but I couldn’t do that to him, not if I’m leaving the next day.

  Now that I was back in reality and walking to the New Chapter Restaurant, I noticed a few similarities in my surroundings to those in my dream – snow lined the sidewalk and there was also a bagpiper busking on the street corner. I decided to drop some coins into his hat for good measure, plus, I needed to use up all my loose change before tomorrow.

  I arrived at the restaurant, and stood looking through the window at Scott, he was sitting at a table waiting for me and yet to see that I had arrived. I took this moment to gather my thoughts and to remind myself to be strong, and no matter what happens, do not give in to this man that could potentially be my soul mate – If it wasn’t for the slight issue of the fact that we lived on the other side of the world from each other. He was looking extra handsome today, I have no idea how that is even possible after the night out we had last night at my ‘see ya later’ party. He had told me earlier that morning, by text, how he was feeling rather seedy and felt like he had not got much sleep. I was expecting to see him looking not so good but it was the complete opposite. I, on the other hand, was looking like a washed-up sack of potatoes with big black bags under my eyes.

  As I walked in and approached his table he must have sensed my presence, as he turned around before I had even got there. He stood up to greet me and kissed both my cheeks.

  “Long time no see,” he said, as he pulled out my seat for me to sit down.

  “Yes, I feel like I’ve had no sleep at all, which is the reason for my appearance, I’m sorry.”

  “Aye, it happens to the best of us,” Scott replied.

  Wow, he must agree that I do look like a sack of potatoes then. He didn’t put me at ease by saying, ‘Oh, don’t be silly Letticia, you look like you have just stepped out of a beauty salon, you are glowing, you are a sight to behold!’

  Two coffees appeared in front of us as soon as my bottom had touched the chair.

  “Sorry, I went ahead and ordered two double shot lattes to get us started,” Scott said.

  “Oh, you are my hero,” I replied.

  “Well, this hero also has something he must ask you, which is the reason I have brought you here today. I want you to consider starting a new chapter of your life with me,” Scott said with such ease and confidence.

  I, on the other hand, had just swallowed my first sip of hot coffee, which ended up going down the wrong way, causing me to cough and splutter it back up. ‘Not a good look for a sack of potatoes,’ I thought.

  Once I had recovered and was able to speak again, I quickly gathered my thoughts. I decided to speak from my head and not let my heart have a single word, because if I did there was no getting on that plane tomorrow, and getting on that plane was the responsible thing to do.

  “Oh Scott, you know if this was a real possibility, then of course I would stay. I would want nothing more than to stay here with you and start this new ‘Scottlander’ chapter. But I’m still married and I really need to go back and sort out my marriage, whether that be getting a divorce or trying to keep our family together.”

  “But we can be a family too. You, me, Polly and Leah. Family is not always blood you know, family is people who will love and support you, no matter what,” Scott replied, determined to persuade me.

  “There is no question about it. I have to go back tomorrow, even though every part of me wants to stay here with you Scott. I have to get on that plane.”

  “No you don’t Letticia,” Scott said, a little less confident and determined than he had started out. I could see we were both getting to a point of anger and frustration and I didn’t want to leave on an argument, so decided to get up and leave before it got to that point. “I have to go.” I said, and grabbed my handbag and stood up from the table.

  Scott grabbed my arm but I pulled it away before he had enough grip to stop me from leaving.

  “I will always love you,” I said as tears started to flow down my face, causing my bags to become even bigger.

  “Letticia don’t do this!” I heard him call as I made my exit out of the new chapter that could have been written, and it would have been an extraordinary chapter, but now will never see the light of day.

  I ran all the way back to Old Bark Cottage, a place that had been home for me and the girls and Sophie for the last six months. A place that was only meant to be temporary, for no more than a week when we had first arrived. I will miss everything about it, the smell of Mrs. Wilson’s Sunday roasts creeping down the stairs, the log fire burning away all night long, my overthinking path with Scott waiting for me at the top – most of the time read
y to take me off to work. I will miss our newly formed family of Sophie and James and all the kids. Scott was right when he said family is not always blood, my Scottish clan was proof of that. I will miss all the friendships I had made while in Scotland, including Alistair and Tammy, and ‘Jamie’ of course. I still couldn’t believe that I was now friends with my idols, but it was because I made the decision to take a leap of faith and move to a faraway land and let life guide me for a while. I let go of control and decided to just live. But most of all, I would miss Scott, the man of my dreams who I may never see again.

  I decided to start the packing process before the girls got home and get everything sorted. As our flight was leaving mid-morning the next day, we would have to be up and heading to the airport in the early hours of the morning. James and Sophie had already offered to drop us off. Sophie was staying on in Scotland for an extra week to be with James before heading back to London. I didn’t know how she was going to be able to separate herself from James, and I had doubts in my head that she would actually be able to leave him, but time will tell.

  In the middle of packing, I got a text from Scott.

  Say goodbye to the girls for me. I will miss you all. Thank you for the last 6 months. The new chapter will always be here waiting to be written. Love Scott oxox.

  I stopped packing and found the nearest wall to support my collapsing body. Once my body was up against the wall, it gave way and I fell to the floor, sliding all the way down the wall and ending up on the floor like that sack of wet potatoes I continue to impersonate.

  ‘I will miss you too,’ I whispered to myself, while holding my tartan beanie in my hand and using it to wipe away my tears.

  Once I gathered myself together, I texted him back.

  We will miss you too Scott. Please leave this chapter blank for me. It needs to be written but just not now. Love Letticia oxox.

  He replied, Don’t go!

  I left it at that and continued to pack.

  The girls and Sophie arrived home just in time for our last dinner.

  Mrs. Wilson had invited us up to her place for our last roast dinner together. It was a lovely evening, full of laughter and memories from the last six months. We took a group photo and Mrs. Wilson said, “Aye, this will be framed and put on my book shelf as a memory of my favourite guests that have stayed at Old Bark Cottage.”

  “You are just too kind Mrs. Wilson,” I said, as tears started to form once again in my eyes.

  Mrs. Wilson pulled out four little wrapped presents with each of our names on them, and said, “Now, no one is to open these until you have reached your home destinations, you hear me?” We all agreed and gave her one big hug.

  ‘Intriguing,’ I thought. ‘What could they be? Only time will tell.’

  Chapter Ten

  Heading Home After Six Months And Four Days

  I awoke to my trusty bagpipes at 4.30am. It took me a few moments to realise today was the day, but when it hit me, a rush of nerves flowed through my body. I could not define how I felt: was I sad, excited or nervous? What would be waiting for us on our return? Had Paul used his free six-month pass of freedom? Has he decided to move on? Had I decided to move on? I was in limbo. I had no idea myself.

  As we all piled in to James’s car at 5am on a cold, wintry, Scottish morning, I now knew how I felt. When we pulled away from Old Bark Cottage, I felt sad – not excited, nor nervous – but outright sad. I was leaving behind a life that I had dreamt of for years and one that I had created for myself because of it. I had worked so hard to achieve where I found myself today, but am now about to give it all up again. If I was being honest with myself, I was also feeling a little bit happy to see Paul again. I wasn’t sure why, maybe it was the familiar, secure, easy life he provided; unlike the adventurous and exciting life I had shared with Scott for the last six months. I was feeling torn and felt like I was wearing two rings – one on each hand, one belonging to Paul and the other belonging to Scott.

  The journey to the airport went by in a flash. Leah and Polly had both fallen asleep, and I had been so caught up in my own thoughts that I had hardly said a word to either Sophie or James. James pulled up to the five-minute car drop-off point just outside the airport departure doors. I jumped out and grabbed a trolley and James helped me load it up with the bags.

  Sophie picked up the sleeping girls and loaded them on top of the bags on the trolley, then kissed them and said, “See you my darlings. Thanks for a fun six months.” They stirred a bit then continued to sleep.

  James and Sophie came in for a group hug which started up the waterworks with myself and Sophie. Sophie thanked me for giving her this opportunity and said again that if it wasn’t for me she would never have met James.

  I cried just as hard as I said, “No. No, thank you Sophie. If it wasn’t for you I would never have been able to make this trip happen and I would never have met Alistair or Jamie.”

  James joked and said, “Which Jamie are we talking about?” I knew all too well what he was implying: Jamie the fictional character or that Scott was my Jamie.

  I laughed in between my tears and said, “Oh James, I’m going to miss your witty sense of humour the most!”

  “Aye, that you will,” he replied.

  We all gave each other a final hug, and the girls and I left the love birds arm in arm as they watched us head towards the departure doors. As I walked I found it hard to lift my feet, they felt as they did in the dream I had had back in Australia, where my feet felt like they were made of concrete. It took all my strength, but I continued to move towards those sliding doors, which started to resemble stones. I could hear myself yelling Paul’s name in my head, just as Claire had called out Frank’s name as she approached the stones, trying to get back to him.

  As I continued to walk to the doors, I recalled what Claire had said as she headed to the stones, but I am Letticia Little and Letticia Little had become a very different person since living in Scotland, and the question now was, who did I want to be? The old Letticia Little or the new Letticia Little?

  As I pushed the trolley through the doors, I felt myself yell out

  Paul’s name again to myself. Paullllll! However, once I was fully inside, I turned around and looked out the glass sliding doors to see the sight of James and Sophie pulling away in their car, and seeing Scotland through the glass doors felt like I had already left so I found myself calling out Scott’s name in my head. Scotttttt! I now know just how Claire must have felt living in two completely different worlds and in love with two completely different men, for two completely different reasons. Scotland and Australia felt like completely different worlds and I was feeling the tug between them both.

  Once I had checked all our bags in and the girls were now fully awake and eating some McDonald’s hot cakes for breakfast, I decided to call Scott one last time. I felt that we had left on a bad note. I dialled his number and waited for the phone to ring, but instead heard an out of service tone. ‘That’s strange,’ I thought, ‘where could he be?’ Half of me was hoping he would be at the departure gates farewelling us and we could say a proper goodbye on good terms, but he never turned up.

  The flight back was long so the girls were back on their screens as the unlimited screen-time was now back in action. Our one day stopover in Dubai was a great way to break up the trip, and the girls and I even got a chance to take a safari trip over the sand dunes.

  It had been fifty-eight hours since leaving Scotland and we were now finally touching down in Australia. As the plane’s wheels hit the run way, I felt a sudden sense of nerves. What was waiting for me on my return? A husband or an ex-husband? I wouldn’t know myself until I saw him and knew how each one of us felt. I was still pining for Scott, he was the one for me, I knew that with all my heart but Paul was the kids’ dad and he made up our family.

  As we disembarked from the plane and headed to the bag collection area, then on to customs, Leah had decided she had had enough and was now throwing a tantrum. She wa
s not cooperating at all and was making the whole customs experience even more stressful than it already was. A kind officer allowed us to not put our bags through the final x-ray machine and escorted us out a side door, avoiding the big sliding doors that opened to a hundred warm welcomes from people waiting to pick up their loved ones. Instead we bypassed all that and walked around them.

  We had nobody waiting to pick us up apart from an Uber, which as seen on my App, looked like was still six minutes away – I could see the car moving closer to the airport on my screen. I was very prepared and had booked the Uber as we waited in line at customs, even with a screaming child at my feet. I had promised the girls their screens back once we were cleared from customs, which had now quietened them both down. Unlimited screen time was still available.

  As I stopped the trolley and bent down to pull the iPads out of their back-packs, something caught my eye – a familiar man’s back. My eyes moved across to the right and saw another familiar man’s back, then my eyes continued to move right to find yet another familiar man’s back.

  “Jesus H. Christ!” I started to say, but stopped in case they heard me. It was Paul, Alistair and Scott! ‘What on earth are they doing here? And how did they get here so fast?’ Alistair wore a baseball cap to disguise his face but I knew it was him. ‘I need to get away before they see me.’ I was in no state to deal with these three wise men and not in front of my children either.

  I stayed calm so as not to let the kids recognise my concern, plus I didn’t want them to see the men either, as they would blow my cover and go running over to them. As I pushed the trolley forward to continue to the exit as fast as I possibly could, I forgot to look up and drove the trolley right in to an elderly man’s ankle. By the time I looked up to say sorry, Polly had already recognised him. “Santa!” she said. “It’s Santa from the Scotland airport!” she continued. And it was! ‘Santa’ was holding up a ‘Welcome to Australia My Love’ sign.