Love Me Still

by E. L. Todd

  I gripped her and held her to my chest, making the kiss last much longer. Our mouths moved together and I got a bit of her tongue. “You look fine as hell in that dress.”

  She pulled away, a smile on her lips. “You look fine in that suit—and in nothing at all.”

  My lips stretched into a smile. “Why, thank you.” I snatched the bottom of her dress and yanked it up so I could see the black thong underneath. “Ooh…I can’t wait to get a better look at that later.”

  She yanked it down and gave me a playful glare. “Slow down, buddy. No hanky panky until I get dinner.”

  “One dinner for that?” I asked. “That’s more than fair.” I smacked her ass playfully. “Ready to go?”

  “Yes.” She grabbed her clutch then walked out the door.

  My arm immediately circled her waist and I pulled her close to me. Her waist was tiny. I could wrap my arm around it twice if my limb could bend that way. “How was your day?” My lips were against her ear.

  “Good. Yours?”

  My day was full of people staring at me. Everyone knew what was going to happen tonight, so that’s all anyone thought about. Not much work was done. Going to work was just a waste of time. “Pretty uneventful.”

  “No meetings?” She gave me a mischievous look.

  “Like I’d tell you. I’d get a picture of your ass in a thong.”

  “You wouldn’t like that?” she challenged.

  “I would—if I were alone in my office with a bottle of Vaseline.”

  “Dirty…” She shook her head like she disapproved.

  “You’re dirtier.” I nudged her in the side.

  “With you, at least.”

  “Good answer.” I brushed my lips against her temple and kissed her. She smelled like flowers.

  “What did you do for lunch?”

  “Dad and I got Thai.”

  “Ooh…yummy.”

  “What about you?”

  “PB&J.”

  “A classic.”

  We left the building then took a cab to the restaurant. We would normally walk but I didn’t want Lexie to hurt her feet in the sky-high heels she wore. I couldn’t afford to make her even a little bit uncomfortable.

  We entered the restaurant and I gave the waiter my name. He knew what I planned to do that night but he didn’t react in any way. He escorted us to a table by the window. There was no one else around us because I paid for that luxury.

  Lexie sat down then pulled her hair over one shoulder.

  I liked it when she did that because it exposed her slender neck. I wanted to run my tongue across it then down her perky tits. Whenever I sat across from her at a restaurant that’s all I thought about. When I was forced to face her head on, I couldn’t ignore her beauty.

  Lexie looked at the menu.

  My hand automatically moved to my thigh where I felt the box in my fingertips. I breathed a sigh of relief when I made sure it was there. Earlier I checked the other pocket and freaked out when I couldn’t find it.

  The distant sound of flutes clanking together and people talking filled my ears. A piano in the rear played a quiet tune. The dim lighting gave the restaurant a romantic feel. There was a line of people standing outside hoping to land a table when someone didn’t show up for a reservation.

  Lexie continued to stare at the menu. “Ugh, there are too many good things on here.”

  “Order them all.”

  “Like I could eat all of that.”

  “We could take it to go.”

  “No…I should just decide.”

  I wasn’t hungry. The nerves were starting to get to me. I glanced at the menu and didn’t see anything appetizing. I’d probably just order a steak since it had so much protein in it. I tried to eat as much as I could to keep my muscle mass.

  Lexie was still indecisive. “What to order…what to order.”

  “First world problems.”

  She sighed then set the menu down. “Okay, I think I know what I want.”

  “Phew,” I teased. “The world can keep spinning now.”

  She kicked me playfully under the table.

  I chuckled then rested my hand on hers. “You know I’m kidding, baby.”

  Her irritation disappeared like a burnt out candle. “Can we order some wine?”

  “We can order whatever you want.” I’d buy her the damn restaurant if that were what she wanted.

  She checked the wine list. “I want something dry. How about you?”

  “Sounds fine to me.” I’d drink anything at this point. Honestly, I’d rather have a scotch right now but that wasn’t very romantic.

  “Great.”

  When the waiter came over, I ordered a bottle. He returned a moment later and poured the glasses before he set the bottle on the table.

  Lexie immediately grabbed it and took a drink. “That’s crisp.”

  I smelled it before I took a sip. “It’s good.”

  “I don’t know a lot about wine, and I’ll pretty much drink anything.”

  “You’re a low-maintenance girlfriend. Why do you think I keep you around?”

  She smiled when she knew I was teasing. “Maybe it’s because of the colorful panties I wear…you have a collection in your drawer.”

  I had a weird fetish with her thongs. I kept a few of them for my own fun when she was too busy to see me. “They’re there just in case you need an extra pair.”

  She smiled involuntarily. “Whatever you say…pervert.”

  “I’m a pervert?” I asked incredulously.

  “Such a pervert.”

  “No, I just can’t get enough of you. Big difference.”

  Her eyes softened.

  “I assure you, no one else’s panties are in my drawer.”

  “Better not be. And after the things you’ve done with them, I never want them back.”

  “Don’t act like it doesn’t turn you on.” I gave her a confident look.

  She sipped her wine and kept her silence.

  “That’s what I thought.”

  After we ordered dinner, we talked about Slade and Trinity.

  “Still trying to have a baby?” she asked.

  “As far as I know.”

  “That’s cute. You’ll have two nieces and nephews running around soon.”

  “Skye is my cousin, so her kids will be my second cousins.”

  “Same thing,” she said with a shrug. “It’s still exciting.”

  “Yeah, it is. I’ll be the best uncle ever.”

  “You’re going to turn them against your sister?” she asked with a laugh.

  “You know me so well, baby.”

  “I’m not sure if I’ll ever be an aunt with the way my sister runs her life.”

  You’ll be one when Trinity has her baby. “You guys have been getting along?”

  “She apologized to me and she seemed sincere…but we aren’t best friends.”

  “Things like that take time.” Macy seemed harmless now. When I told her I was proposing she got teary-eyed. Her mom actually cried. They seemed genuinely happy for Lexie. I didn’t involve her dad because it didn’t seem like Lexie cared about his opinion anyway.

  The dinner arrived and we ate quietly.

  Lexie usually didn’t eat much, but tonight she devoured her food. “I didn’t eat anything all day since I knew we were coming here.”

  “Except a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”

  “Well, if I didn’t eat that I was going to faint. Doesn’t count.”

  I cut into my steak and started to feel nervous. After dinner, I would get down on one knee and ask her to be my wife. Prior to this I wasn’t nervous. But now anxiety was creeping into my veins.

  “How’s your feed?” she asked.

  Her words snapped me out of my thoughts. “Good. Want some?”

  “Always.”

  I cut her a piece and set it on her plate.

  She took a bite. “Man, that’s good.”

  “You can have all of it if you
want.”

  “No, I’ll focus on my plate.”

  I looked down again when I felt the anxiety come in full force. I didn’t have a speech prepared. I was just going to tell her how I felt about her and ask her to spend her life with me. I wasn’t afraid she would say no. But I wanted the moment to be perfect. It was only going to happen one time. I didn’t have any do-overs. This would be the story she would tell all her friends and family. It couldn’t be anything less than flawless.

  And that’s what made me nervous.

  What if I knocked over the wine as I moved to my knee? What if I reached for the wrong pocket to get the ring? What if I dropped the ring on the floor and couldn’t find it in the dark?

  Fuck, so many things could go wrong.

  “Conrad?”

  I looked up and met her gaze. “Baby?”

  “Everything alright…?”

  “Yeah. Why?” I said it a little too quickly.

  “I asked how your dad was doing and you didn’t say anything…”

  “Oh.” I acted like a million things weren’t going through my mind. “He’s annoying—like usual.”

  Lexie wasn’t buying it.

  I had to think of something quickly. “I just got our quarterly reports back and we didn’t do as good this period as we did during the previous one. I’m just afraid Dad and Sean are going to blame Skye and I.”

  She took the bait. “That’s nonsense. They wouldn’t blame it on you. That’s a whole company. There are so many other factors that affect the well being of a company.”

  I shrugged. “I guess I’m being paranoid.” I gave myself a mental pat on the back for getting out of the situation.

  “Totally paranoid,” she said. “You do amazing work, Conrad.”

  “How would you know? I look at racy photos of you when I’m in meetings. Honestly, I should be fired.”

  She looked amused. “Well, you have a point.” She took a few more bites before she put her silverware down.

  Fuck, this was it.

  I tried to act calm and collected. The second she suspected something was wrong my plan would be destroyed. Acting like everything was totally normal was the only way I would get through this.

  The waiter approached the table then cleared the plates. He was supposed to return with the champagne after I proposed but he didn’t make a comment about it in front of Lexie. He was doing a good job of acting like our dinner was nothing special.

  Once he was gone, we were alone again.

  The time has come.

  Lexie stared at me across the table.

  “Dessert?” I blurted that out without thinking. Now I was just stalling.

  “No, thank you.” Her hand automatically went to her stomach. “I couldn’t eat another bite.”

  Now there was nothing stopping me.

  I’d practiced this sequence several times. I was supposed to stand, pull the ring out, and then kneel. I couldn’t pull the ring out before I stood up before it was too difficult. I had it down so now I just needed to do it.

  Lexie stared at me, her thoughts unreadable.

  Did she know?

  No, there was no way. She stared at me all the time. That wasn’t unusual. “What?” I asked.

  “You’re pretty.” She batted her eyelashes and smiled.

  I was in the clear.

  Fuck, I was really doing this. I was about to ask someone to marry me. I was excited and happy but I was also nervous as hell. It had to be perfect.

  I cleared my throat then rose to my feet. In a fluid motion, I pulled the box out of my pocket then kneeled in front of her. Right on cue, I opened the box and presented the gorgeous diamond ring I bought just for her.

  Everyone in the restaurant turned my way. They were dead silent but their eyes drilled into my skin.

  Lexie’s eyes widened when she realized what was happening. One hand immediately flew to her mouth as she gasped in surprise.

  And then I spoke. “I’d given up on love, on everything before you came along. When we first met, we weren’t looking for anything but fun. I was emotionally unavailable and so were you. But somewhere down the road…you became my best friend. And I know I became yours.

  “I want to come home every day and see you there. I want to share my bed with you, my entire life. I want to take care of you, to give you everything you could possibly want.”

  Lexie stared at me, still in shock.

  “Lexie, will you marry me?” The words left my lips and my speech ended. I said everything I wanted to say and now the ring was ready for her to take. The greatest moment of my life was happening. I was living in the moment, feeling my heart pound harder than it ever had. This was the story I would tell my children and grandchildren. This was the story I’d tell my mom and watch her cry.

  Lexie stared at the ring and her eyes watered. She blinked her eyes several times, trying to dispel the moisture that had built up because of all the emotion I elicited in her. I knew I did this right. I gave her the proposal that would bring her to tears. I achieved everything I dreamed of.

  Lexie continued to stare at the ring, saying nothing.

  I gave her a moment to compose herself so she would realize this wasn’t a dream. This was real. And I wanted her for the rest of my life.

  More tears fell, but they didn’t seem like happy ones.

  Actually, she seemed sad.

  Lexie sniffed. “No…”

  What?

  “I’m sorry, Conrad…” More tears fell and her cheeks were red.

  Wait…what?

  She grabbed her clutch and wouldn’t look at me again. “I’m sorry. I can’t marry you.” She left her chair then exited the restaurant.

  She actually left.

  I remained in place, lacking the ability to rise to my feet. The silence of the restaurant was interrupted by the whispers of the other customers.

  “That poor man…”

  “She actually said no? He’s gorgeous.”

  “I feel so bad for him.”

  “What a bitch.”

  My breathing was heavy and I felt a little light-headed. I stared at the ring in my hands and watched the diamond sparkle even though there was no light. My fingers were cramped but I managed to shut the box. It made a loud popping noise.

  I moved back to the chair because I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t process what just happened.

  She said no?

  I shoved the box back into my pocket, aware of all the stares directed my way.

  She said no.

  I loved her—so much. And I thought she loved me. We were happy together. We’d been together for nearly two years. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that she was the one.

  But she said no.

  Slowly, I pulled out my wallet and left the cash on the table. I couldn’t feel the bills in my fingertips because my skin felt so numb. I’m pretty sure I left too much cash but I was too distraught to count.

  Since there was nothing left for me there, I walked out.

  It was the longest walk of my life. Everyone stared at me as I passed. It was so quiet I could hear my feet fall on the carpet. I moved passed everyone in the entryway then finally reached the sidewalk.

  The cars passed on the street, honking when someone cut them off. I didn’t bother looking for Lexie, wondering if she was walking to her apartment or somewhere else.

  She really said no.

  What did I do wrong? Was I missing something? I thought she would never hurt me. But she somehow ripped my heart out and torched it in fire. Why did the only two women I’ve loved in my life rip me apart like this?

  Why did she say no?

  I no longer had a purpose. I didn’t know who I was anymore. She and I were supposed to be drinking champagne and staring into each other’s eyes like fools madly in love. We were supposed to head to the engagement party at my parents’ house.

  But I was standing here alone.

  The ring was still in my pocket but I didn’t care if I lo
st it. She was supposed to walk out wearing it and never take it off again. But that wasn’t going to happen. She didn’t want any of the things I offered her.

  She didn’t want me.

  In a daze, I slowly walked to my apartment. If someone jumped out of an alleyway and mugged me, I wouldn’t care. If someone made an attempt on my life I wouldn’t fight back.

  That’s how wounded I was.

  Somehow, I made it to my apartment. The second I walked inside I knew I couldn’t live there anymore. The place reeked of Lexie, and it hit me then that she would never come back.

  It hit me hard.

  I went out tonight thinking she would be my fiancé. But instead, we broke up. The rejection stung more than anything else I’d ever experienced. I’d experienced so much pain in the last five years but this had to be the worst.

  I moved through the living room then made it to my bedroom. I stared at the bed, remembering the last time I made love to Lexie on the sheets. They were still rumpled and messy from our bodies rolling around.

  I looked at the mattress and didn’t dare touch it. Everything in this apartment was tainted with the love I thought we had. Her towel was still on the hook, her make up was on the bathroom counter, and her hair was still on her pillow.

  I couldn’t stay here.

  I grabbed my suitcase and shoved all my necessities inside. I packed everything I might possibly need on my trip. I didn’t know where I was going but I knew I couldn’t stay here.

  I left the apartment with my bag over my shoulder then got into a cab. “JFK.” That was all I said.

  “Yes, sir.” The driver took off.

  I stared out the window as I watched the lights from the buildings pass. Everything burned and shined in my eyes. Where did Lexie go? Did she go home? Or did she go to some other guy’s apartment? Was she cheating on me the whole time? Was that why she said no?

  She said no.

  What would I say to everyone? How would I explain what happened? I wasn’t even sure what happened. All I knew was I’d just fallen to a very dark place. It was foreign but familiar at the same time. I’d already sunk low when Lexie came into my life. Despite the depth and the darkness, she pulled me out. But now I fell to a new level. I was at the bottom of the deepest cave anyone could possibly imagine.

  When I arrived at the airport, I approached the front desk and looked at the screen. There were hundreds of different flights, all leaving in the next twelve hours. Their destinations were all over the world. I wanted to get out of here as fast as possible and I didn’t care where I went.