Touch-Starved

by Celia Crown

  The limit of my range away from her has gotten better. It’s about seven feet now. Before it was a definitive five feet of space before I would feel the tug on my body and I would have to return to her. It’s not involuntary, but it’s the surge of panic in me that forces me to go back as if I am feeling some type of danger about her being unguarded.

  There are no books in the world to describe what I would feel at those times.

  Slowly, I have been trying to test the boundaries that had been set in place. Each night gets me one footstep further away, but I do know that she isn’t ever in pain when I rush back after pushing pass the eerier thumps of my heart.

  The hollowness gets wider and deeper the further I go, but I can’t stand there and do nothing any longer. I’m wasting time by sticking to her. I need to put myself in a position where I’m not comfortable to see what happens when I do break pass that boundary.

  For so long, I thought I would hurt her physically if I trespass that five feet mark.

  Not anymore, she has no pain in her body when she wakes up. I would, however, get these dull squeezes in my heart when I go far while it only recedes when I’m with her again.

  She is the foundation that I need, and she will always be there to make this dull ache better once I have indulged in my selfish whims.

  I tested it and I can get to the front door, but I don’t leave the apartment. I didn’t have the balls to, and I’m going to ignore the limits and the aches I would feel tonight.

  After feeling a connection with the name Pierre Stanton, I have a burst of courage to do it and I want to do everything I can to figure out which direction would best benefit Jackie.

  I do care about what happens to me, but I will happily remain a ghost if it means to stay with her. I can’t imagine what she would feel if I were to disappear. She needs me just as much as I need her.

  The ache starts to bloom in my chest when I get to the five feet mark, but I push through and stand in front of the door. It’s dark and quiet, but I hear the rustles of the wind from outside as I mentally prep myself with an imitation of taking a deep breath even when I don’t need air.

  I take one step forward and the door phases through me. The darkness of the world comes down even harder as the dead of the night echoes with the hollowness in my chest. I don’t like this, but I have to find out where the end leads to.

  Starting with small steps, the tightness in my chest is still bearable as I don’t make turns or cut corners. I go straight from the stairs of the apartment to the house in my path. I cut through the yard with no problem as everyone is already asleep.

  The more houses I go through, the more I see things that I do not wish to see. Some are alright, nothing too big of a deal; in one, children’s toys lay on the ground as a makeshift daycare for in-house employment of the owners, and one house has newspapers stacked up to the ceiling.

  It’s a hoarder’s apartment with an addiction to newspapers.

  Then it gets weird; one house has a collection of used Q-tips stored in glass display boxes in one apartment. Another house has a couple having sex where the man is dressed like a superhero while being whipped by a woman disguised as a dominatrix.

  They use codenames, and that is something I cannot un-hear or make unseen.

  It’s even worse when the man attempts to mimic Batman’s deep voice.

  “Ah, yes, woman! Hit me harder; build up my tolerance to fight Joker!”

  I will delete this man out of existence if I can.

  Once I got towards the center of downtown again, my ears pick up the same beep again. It happened once, and I don’t hear it again. Something in my life must be tied to this place or I wouldn’t be able to hear that same beep as before.

  The streets are empty, but the streetlights continue to change colors on a slower timetable.

  My eyes shift through the buildings. All the lights are off other than the streetlights and maybe a car would drive by in a distance. I travel on a path that is the exact opposite of the pull that would bring me back to Jackie, finding out which way makes my body ache the most is easy because it’s not the way back to home.

  Moving pass the same distance where it would be at the distribution company, I continue on and the ache gets worse in ways that I can’t describe with words. It’s tearing me apart and it’s hard to breathe even though I don’t physically need it.

  Constricted and painful, my chest burns as the beeping comes back. It’s louder, steady, and in a defined pattern that it isn’t the sound of my heart. It’s a machine of some sort given the mechanical tone of it, and a sharp nick pinches my right arm.

  I glance down to the middle of the street; the streetlights illuminate the swirl of tattoos etched on my skin as it blends into the black asphalt. The transparency of my physique turns more hauntingly invisible as I search for the point where the pain is exuding from.

  I pinpoint it to the vein that runs from my wrist to my arm. Bending my elbow, the pain spikes again, and this is the first time I have felt pain.

  It’s new and I welcome the sensation.

  Time passes as I count the beeps; it’s comforting to hear for a reason that I have no explanation for. I like hearing it, and it makes me feel alive in ways that aren’t possible for a ghost.

  Unless I’m not one.

  My shoulders tense, straightening up my spine at the thought as I stare at the construction zone sign in front of me. The orange cannot outshine the crimson fire running through my body as the beeps quicken in response to the raging thoughts in my head.

  I might not be dead.

  Crippling panic seizes in my chest. A burst of terror runs through my thoughts as the voice in my head tells me to run back to Jackie and run away from this new discovery. Dread twists in my gut, and I can’t be here anymore.

  Jackie needs me.

  Spinning around, my legs carry me through buildings and the streets of desolation. I sprint through the wind, through the same houses that I took the path of leaving.

  The sky has turned the color of blue. It’s no longer black with grey clouds. It’s a light wash of blue, but it’s enough to know that I have been here too long. I hadn’t planned on being away from Jackie for more than two hours at the most, but I was gone all night and if I’m right, the morning clock would soon tick to four o’clock.

  Cars care to become a common theme as people are coming to clock into work early, or some are off from their nightshifts at work. There aren’t any people just yet but give another hour of time and they will start coming out of their homes.

  Jackie’s apartment comes to view; it’s just the same as any other ones that I have come across. This one has the signature decorated eyehole and I have told her many times to take it off because it is a clear message to criminals that it is a place to be burglarized.

  The colorful sticker around the eyehole is a message saying the apartment is a target, and I’m surprised that no crimes have been committed yet.

  I can’t rule out that someone is planning it at this moment.

  I go through the door and into the living room where it’s still quiet and dead to the world. My feet carry me to the familiar route of her bedroom, and I fully expect her to be tangled in her sheets, hair in her face and pillow kicked to the wall.

  She isn’t there. The blanket is ruffled, and pillows are a mess on the bed as herself is missing from the equation. I glance around the room and nothing is out of place since I last saw it, then I leave to search the bathroom.

  It’s open and I step in. There is no one there and it hasn’t been used.

  The only other place she could be is in Danni’s room. I would have hesitated to breach the privacy of her friend, but nothing means much to me until I find Jackie and see her with my own eyes.

  I walk through the door and there she is, curled up at the side of Danni as they cuddle deep into the blankets.

  The tightness in my chest lightens as a shuddering sensation rolls through my stomach.

  She’
s safe.

  The rustling from the covers means one of them is moving, and it’s Danni that wakes up first. Her multicolored skin peaks out of the blanket when she extends her arm out to the air, but she doesn’t get up just yet as she’s questioning why there is a mop of brown hair in her face.

  Jackie is lucky that Danni’s boyfriend isn’t here, but I doubt he would be in this apartment soon. Danni can’t decide where Scott stands and truthfully speaking, I don’t want him near my Jackie even if his interest is in Danni.

  I do not want any men that could potentially take my place in Jackie’s life because I can’t give her an answer to what the future holds. Telling her that I can be with her is one thing, but I have to prove it and I can’t do that without a physical body.

  “What the hell…” Danni groans, flipping on her back and shielding her eyes from the sunlight that peaks through the gap of her curtain.

  “Wite-out… gross.”

  Danni lifts Jackie’s hand up, and her little fingers are coated with a layer of correction liquid that dried on the surface. The smell should have been washed out by now, but the brand she buys just has the strongest scent that lingers for too long.

  She drops the hand and stretches her arm over her head to the wall, then she sinks into the bed and sighs while blinking the moisture away.

  My question is why had Jackie moved from her bedroom to Danni’s?

  What happened during the hours when I wasn’t with her?

  I knew I shouldn’t have done this, but I also needed to do it. Either choice would make me regret not taking the other side, and they’re decisions that I don’t like making without knowing the outcome.

  It’s no use questioning my choices in the past. I can ask her when she wakes up. That is going to take some time. Jackie doesn’t wake up before ten and that is pushing it with a cup of coffee in her stomach.

  Before, she would be sleeping late in the night and wake up when the sun is shining on her ass. Now that her bad habits have changed to decent bedtime and a good hour to wake up at, she has more motivation to draw and get creative with the sunlight giving her natural energy.

  I don’t pay attention to Danni when she gets out of bed to get ready for her morning shift at the hospital. From what I can gather from the schedule when she comes home, her shift changes a lot depending on what is happening at the hospital.

  She would make sure to send messages to Jackie when she has time and to warn Jackie not to make dinner if she’s having dinner with Scott or she’s bringing back dinner from their favorite restaurant.

  I like their routine and their easy relationship. They rarely get into arguments, and they get resolved after both of them gets fresh air. They never let it get explosive, but they do speak their disapprovals on things from their point of view and they find a middle ground to compromise.

  Jackie may have childish tendencies, but she is mature in her own ways.

  I’m glad that all the other men didn’t have the patience to get to know Jackie, and if one of them managed to stay, I will not feel guilty haunting them to the depth of hell.

  Five o’clock passes with the hands ticking on the wall. Jackie has not turned once on the bed where she has snuggled down to preserve the warmth.

  The apartment does not have the air conditioning turned on for the summer, and it’s rarely on during the winter because the landlord is too cheap to fix the temperatures. It would be air coming out of the air conditioning and warm air at best for winter.

  They still have it on; it’s better than nothing, and they’re already paying rent with the amenities so they might as well use it.

  Two hours tick by and Danni is finished with making breakfast to start her day. The kitchen reverberates with small noises of pans and other appliances that she is putting away after cleaning up, but they don’t wake Jackie as she slumbers away the morning.

  Danni comes in with her face wet and the collar of her shirt is dark from the water. She treads quietly towards the place where she follows her skincare routine and does her makeup and hair.

  Jackie only stirs awake when Danni shakes her shoulder. Her unfocused and disorientated brown eyes peek out from cover and she hums softly. Her voice fails her so she communicates with a curl of her eyebrows as she squints up at Danni who runs her hand through her brown hair.

  I’m envious of Danni. She is able to touch Jackie whenever and however she likes. I want to let my hand caress through her hair too. The need to cup her cheek and kiss those plump pink lips almost taunts me with the impossibility of it.

  The more I want it, the more I realize the situation that I am in. I am in a limbo, and this is one of those times that prompts me to get out of the boundaries that have been set on me by god knows what.

  “I’m off to work,” Danni whispers, keeping her voice quiet to not disturb the peacefulness.

  That didn’t work when a honking outside breaks the relaxing morning. The girls don’t pay attention to it as Danni pets Jackie’s hair like a mother would do to a child.

  “Text me when you get there,” Jackie rasps from the lack of moisture in her throat.

  “I will,” Danni smiles and presses a kiss to Jackie’s forehead. “It’s too early for you. Keep on hibernating, little cub. You get cranky when you don’t get your sleep.”

  Jackie closes her eyes and mumbles, “I don’t.”

  Danni lets the comment go, “Alright, I’ll see you tonight.”

  Jackie hums her goodbye, and Danni leaves a moment later after she gathers all her things. She closes the door to her bedroom, and my ears pick up some sounds to indicate she’s leaving out the front door.

  My eyes swing back to the lump under the blanket. Jackie is not sleeping anymore but she’s still trying to grasp the thin string of her tiredness. Jackie moves a lot in her sleep, but once she settles down, she’s a dead weight without a care to the world if it’s the middle of an apocalypse.

  Her arms shoot out from under the blanket and a whine gets muffled. She rolls over and tugs the blanket over her head as the honking in front of the apartment grows louder.

  She flips the cover over and her head comes out to peer around the bedroom while she doesn’t register me at first, but when she does, Jackie throws the cover over her head as a shield.

  “Jackie,” I like saying her name, but she doesn’t answer me this time.

  Her tiny fingers tighten the blanket around her as she curls herself into a ball; she’s smaller and more fragile in this sense.

  “What happened?” I concentrate on slowly sitting on the bed, careful as to not fall through the mattress.

  Her body is too stiff and her attempts to pretend to not hear me will not fly pass me, “Jackie.”

  She takes the blanket down just a bit for me to see her bright brown eyes; they’re too expressive, and I wish I can take away this protective shield she has on her face.

  “I had a nightmare.”

  Nightmares are a common thing when people sleep. It’s not a thing to worry about if it’s harmless. If Jackie had a nightmare and it takes her to the arms of Danni, then it must be a dream that she truly didn’t want.

  “What was it about?” I ask, cocking my head to meet her eyes.

  The gesture of me running my knuckles down her cheek always calms her and even if I can’t touch her, I can see that she’s opening up again. When I attempt to touch her, the temperature around the bare surface of my finger is warm.

  “I don’t remember, but it was really bad,” she mutters, dodging my gaze after she says that.

  Guilt consumes me. I should have been here for her, and I failed at being her support.

  “Where were you?” she asks, upset and meek.

  I can’t lie to her and I don’t want to either. I have been keeping things from her and it’s eating me up inside.

  Maybe the nightmare was caused by me or maybe it’s not. There is no way to tell if anything that happens to her is related to any action I take.

  “I left.”
<
br />   Her body bolts from the bed, eyes wide and accusing with such betrayal that my gut twists uncomfortably.

  “You left?” she repeats what I say, incredulous and scared that I’ll affirm what she said.

  “Yes,” I say, my resolve gets firmer as I square my shoulder, “It was something I had to do.”

  “But— you left…”

  “I’m sorry,” I lean into her and catch her shifty eyes, “I have asked you to allow me to dive into my selfish whims and you agreed. I thank you for that.”

  “What whims?”

  “Testing the boundaries of our restrains.”

  Her gasp is loud, and the paleness of her cheeks stays, “What?”

  “I waited until you went to sleep, then I tested out how far and how long I can be gone.”

  “Ah—no! Eli, don’t do that,” Jackie bites her lips, fingers tearing through the creases of the blanket on her lap.

  “Jackie, I can’t sit back and do nothing.”

  I wish I don’t have to. Being away from her hurts me more than I can possibly imagine. I’m always scared that harm would come to her if I’m not there to manage her bad habit of not thinking things through.

  “What if you—you’re going to get lost…” her voice tapers off with uncertainty.

  “I will come back to you.”

  She is home. Nothing from my past life will change that and if my gut is right, we can be together if she gives me the time to get out of this limbo.

  “Promise?” Jackie’s lashes flutters, frail and hypnotizingly beautiful.

  “On my soul.”

  Chapter Nine

  Jacqueline

  If I had known that Eli would be coming and going at odd hours, I would have said something before he comes back to check up on me just to disappear again.

  The first time that I’m coherent to watch him slip through the walls of my bedroom, there was this unexplainable fear that soared through my blood and I was too scared to move on inch.

  My thoughts ranged from glowering at myself for being dramatic to Eli leaving me forever. Those were the thoughts that ate at the self-consciousness that sat with his name on my tongue.