Lost & Found Innocence

by Agnes Musa

  Chapter 3

  In case you’re wondering, what I’m holding, it’s a picture of a young boy.

  The eyes are listless, unhappy - troubled.

  Gone is the spontaneity and liveliness.

  Could it be I’m concentrating too much on little things, like giving you this time and attention and feeling great for doing it, same as David is probably doing with Lord knows who, at the expense of our son?

  Let’s face it. You’re a stranger. I don’t know anything about you.

  Same as the person you’re spending the best of the time of your life with right now. A stranger they once were as they will soon be again, when one of you decides David is smart and you emulate him.

  Hugh is the name of the child whose photograph I hold, the child David and I made.

  Maybe I should be spending time with him instead of writing this book?

  Have I, heavens forbid, already become an emotionally unavailable parent like my mother?

  Now there’s something. My mother is married to my father, yet she gets away with being emotionally unavailable.

  Some people sure have the knack.

  I love Hugh. We didn’t get everything right but the few minutes I see Hugh behave as a balanced, reasonable and reasoning human being, I feel the worthiness and joy of parenting.

  23 April

  Mr. Muller,

  Thank you for your note.

  We respect and thank the school for the decision taken to remove Hugh from the Labor list. Please convey our apologies and thanks to the Head and teacher who were inconvenienced.

  Kindly let them know that we had a long, happy and fruitful discussion with Hugh. He assured us there will not be a repeat of what happened. Hugh promised to promptly apologize to the people concerned at school.

  God bless you richly!

  Hugh’s parents.

  24 May

  Mr. Muller,

  We know about Hugh almost getting lashed by the Head. While the incident is unfortunate, we thank you for helping make our son a worthwhile human being.

  Hugh’s parents.

  Of course the use of plural for us should not now be the case. But, why should the whole world know that we divorced, David and I?

  It doesn’t matter that David - whose car dropped Hugh three times a week will no longer do so. Fathers go for long business trips.

  The trick, I learnt, is to keep communication open between the school and the parents, or parent as the case may be.

  I’m feeling a little worked up and tired. It’s because of my unexpected visitor, Gerald.

  He has grown fat, really, really fat. Not good. Fat sits better on females.

  And Gerald is wearing a suit.

  The man doesn’t look good in a suit, not at all. I knew Gerald when he was thinner. Now, he says he will feed me because David is not around to do it anymore, or to mind!

  Pompous man.

  You see what a man leaving does? Scavengers land!

  Hope is the one who says things like that. I repeat them to let you evaluate how far we’ve gone, Hope and me.

  She’s trying to shape my perception of what is classy and what is not. That includes dressing, cars, houses, furniture, and children.

  One thing she still has to show me, a classy phallus. I wonder what one of those looks like.

  Hugh goes to a religious school, attends different church groupings, sermons, gatherings and services.

  I’m not sure which but one has immersed their tentacles into his uncharted spiritual waters and, they intend to stake a claim.

  The group believes themselves capable of providing Hugh with better parental, emotive and physical care, which to me is merely their own opinion and since it’s a free country, they remain entitled to it.

  From an objective perspective, however, the assertions could be true. Divorce catapults parenting into a different realm.

  A child now has choice in terms of friends, parents and relatives i.e. stepsisters, stepbrothers, step aunties, step uncles, step grandparents, step mothers, step fathers and the like.

  The abandoned spouse, (most often also the one left with children and who bears responsibility because they’re too slow or daft to have acted first, and judging by the law of averages and probability, which law I personally know nothing about), becomes the one seen, assessed, judged, loved or despised as the case may be.

  Children hold the irrefutable prerogative of making a villain or a hero out of you. Pretty scary when you think about it, which, thank heavens, I don’t.

  I keep an open mind about developments in the environment around Hugh. I don’t do so out of choice.

  Truthfully speaking, I’m afraid of exposing myself to the child. I promise you I did attend school - and pass. My fear of exposure stems from losing Hugh earlier because of communication break down.

  The books he reads for example. I started off with Little Red Riding in the Hood, moved on to Jack who had his Beanstalk, Alice, the girl in Wonderland, Hardy Boys, Dickens and Shakespeare.

  Intelligent progression.

  Hugh weaned on Batman, through Horrible Histories, Horrible Science, Goosebumps and Harry Potter.

  Can you see similarities or parallels here?

  When I recommended Fables of Aesop to him, the boy took the book, quietly gave it to a friend to read on his behalf then returned the book. It’s a much older ‘friend’.

  I’m trying to prolong the moment when Hugh surpasses the sum of my knowledge.

  We know when they get to that point, it’s then that we really lose them.

  Hopefully when Hugh contains the loathing he will one day feel for the little my mind has been capable of achieving, when he has accomplished better, he will find in him respect for the self that I’m, accepting me as I’m and once more, I will be a parent to him, just as I’m now.

  Should he fail to get over the feeling of loathing, which feeling turns to revulsion and dread to see a parent, then that’s alright too.

  I will consult my mother for advice.

  She has dealt with just that situation from my brothers, sisters and me for countless years, so she knows what to do and how to cope.

  The lot who say they can do a better job of parenting Hugh than yours truly? I’ve agreed to meet with Craig, one of the group.

  All I’m trying to do is weigh then consider the validity of their assertion. Sounds to me its Hugh’s whole life rather than just the spiritual aspect of it they want.

  Faced as I’m with such a situation, there are issues a parent must address.

  One has to gauge the fanatical devotion some of these people pass for faith. Assess their failure or otherwise to earn a responsible, sweat-earned living in life’s normal arenas, emotional stability, aspects of character - then empathize, understand, appreciate and evaluate their situation.

  These people have dedicated their livelihood to serve others’ offspring, products of parents.

  Or to be more precise, the other parent, that’s David, who has neither time nor desire to see, care for, tend or nurture his offspring.

  I tell you it can be tricky, this parenting business. After this, you make a decision and communicate it to Hugh.

  Me: “Welcome to our home. I’m Lisa, Hugh’s mom. ”

  Craig: “Craig. This is my wife Penelope. Thank you for making time to see us.”

  I’m listening to this man. I’ve a feeling I know him well, very well indeed. He’s looking at me like he knows me.

  I will myself to concentrate but there’s something trying to come from the back of my mind. I’m absolutely sure I met this man before. Somewhere, yes, but where?

  Craig: “Penelope will discuss with you ….”

  I’m definite I know the man. It has to be a place. They’re looking at me expectantly, what did I miss?

  Craig: “Penelope suggested an appointment for Thursday to discuss what I plan to go through with Hugh.”

  The man Craig, he
knows my mind is roaming.

  I got it.

  Middle of the night and gushing buckets, for Graham as usual. My eyes were seriously puffed for a concern-raising number of times.

  To Hugh’s enquiries, my standard answer was allergy - to Jacarandas, even then, when the flowers that normally cause the allergy were out of season.

  I wore sunglasses to go out of doors, irrespective of weather. No one said sunglasses were specifically made to shield eyes against the sun.

  They shield against rain, wind, fire, or snow. Same principle as one’s given name. It works, in and out of season, from birth, through childhood, school, your first date, the marriage certificate, the resultant failure of that marriage and after.

  So there I was with buckets gushing from my eyes. I fell into an exhausted sleep and had this dream.

  There was a man who came from behind and put his arms around my waist. The man hoisted me up and turned me to face him in one fluid motion, then kissed me, on the lips.

  A lovers’ sweet and innocent kiss.

  We laughed, the man and I. Joy, my sister, was in that dream. She was laughing and pointing at something the man was trying to show me.

  I woke up with a smile, promptly forgot the dream. Only the face of the man in that dream was here now, with a wife to boot.

  Craig. Now you see why they’re called dreams?

  Hugh would wait until Thursday for my decision. I too would have to do the same, wait, watch, exasperate and experience the result of a decision imparted to my offspring.

  It’s never predictable, the reaction.

  If it’s sulking and doors banging, the decision is bad. If the request didn’t really matter, the door banging is for show.

  Should Hugh approach you to renegotiate, he’s not sure about what he’s doing or wants to do.

  If there’s no reaction, his mind was already made up one way or the other before he approached you.

  A thank you and a polite smile, he thinks you’re a bit muddled upstairs and will be very selective about the issues he brings for your sanction or say to you from now on.

  Should you concede to what he asked for promptly, he goes and does exactly the opposite of what he asked of you.

  Me: “Good to see you again.”

  Penelope: “Craig and I were talking about Hugh. He seems to be a decent lad.”

  Me: “I don’t have complaints. Hugh is a decent boy.”

  Penelope: “More is the pity about your divorce. Children need both parents as they grow. It’s sad nowadays that a whole lot of parents lack basic parenting qualities.”

  Me: “I’m sure most parents do their best.”

  Penelope: “Not if we use events happening the world over as a yardstick. Children of this day and age need all the help they can get if they’re to make their own way in life. ”

  Me: “Has that not been the way for children across centuries?”

  Penelope: “Never like now. Just look around you, the diseases, the turmoil, the hardships, the wars, disasters and divorce – all issues directly affecting children. Don’t you think it sad Hugh has to grow up in such an environment?”

  Me: “May I call you Penelope, yes? Thank you. All of us have very little control over the environment we are born in, so how exactly do you intend to help Hugh?”

  Penelope: “We believe Hugh deserves to be the best that he can be.”

  Me: “I totally agree with you.”

  Penelope: “We can offer Hugh a chance to develop into exactly that.”

  Me: “How exactly, if I may ask?”

  “Penelope: “We want to offer Hugh a chance to join a Christian group. Live and study in a nurturing environment.”

  Me: “Home is one of the best nurturing environments.”

  Penelope: “Only when it has people who love and care. When it has people who have time and are willing to guide children through turbulent and trying periods.

  What’s needed is for you to allow Hugh to join us. ”

  Me: “Penelope, from the way you speak, I think you’ve gained Hugh’s confidence. What exactly did he tell you?”

  Penelope: “That his home is broken, that Hugh’s father doesn’t spend time with him and you’re either busy writing your book or engrossed with eh, I believe several men?”

  Me: “Hugh said that?”

  I see Hugh hanging on a tree, nailed by his little fingers, dripping blood slowly. In the meantime, I consider it graceless to be rude to one’s guests.

  Penelope: “You’ve to understand that we encourage the boys to say the truth and nothing but the absolute truth so that God can help them.”

  Me: “I see. Yes, yes of course.”

  Funny how when you don’t see anything at all, that word is the only word that comes to your head.

  I didn’t see, I didn’t see at all. Penelope is still talking.

  Penelope: “…. and you will be happy to have made the right decision, for you and your son.

  Of course there are the initial lessons and then they move onto the more intensive phase.

  Usually, it’s recommended that the boy move in with the others as soon as he has gone through the groundwork so as to optimize on the time for his academic, emotional and spiritual assimilation.

  From previous experience, it’s recommended that all three start simultaneously.”

  Where is Ruth when you need her?

  Me: “I think I missed out a whole lot of what you said right now.”

  Penelope: “That’s perfectly understandable considering the emotional upheavals you must be currently facing.”

  Me: “Divorce is a different ball game.”

  Penelope: “It must be. That’s why, to me, it makes sense that you only have time for yourself. But, from a child’s perspective, it might appear selfish.”

  You never really think about all the Grahams and the Ryans in terms of the effect they have on your children.

  Penelope: “… but children don’t understand the demands on an adult’s life and they tend to believe what they see. With our program, all that’s taken into account.

  Children are removed from the everyday anxieties which bedevil most homes and placed in an environment where they’re brought up to be stable, healthy, useful and contributing members of society.”

  I still hear Penelope, with her even, soft and unhurried voice, the voice I’ve heard doctors use on very, very, very, very sick patients.

  Me: “May I ask a personal question?”

  Penelope: “Go right ahead”.

  Me: “How many children do you’ve?”

  Penelope: “Craig and I decided that we would not bring children into this current world environment. We are waiting for a new and better environment the Scriptures promise us.”

  Me: “If I may ask, where exactly will that be?”

  Penelope: “The new world will be right here on earth. Then, we will not worry about theft, rape, killing, or war.”

  I look at Penelope. She talks on.

  Penelope: “People think and live lives as if there’s no tomorrow. They want to do it all in one day. They’re not concerned about their other life.”

  I continue looking at Penelope.

  Penelope: “It probably looks like we are giving up much now but soon it will all be right for us. We will be ready for the new day and then we will have our children.”

  Me: “Do you’ve any close family now Penelope?”

  Penelope: “Parents, brothers, sisters and various nephews and nieces.”

  Me: “What were you doing, before you started ministering for your church?”

  Penelope: “Part time pastors in our communities.”

  Me: “How did you make your living?”

  Penelope: “Did anything that worked.”

  Anything that worked. In other words, scrounged.

  Me: “What is it that you’re trying to accomplish now?”

  Penelope: “To get people to be knowledgeable about the b
ible. We believe that from knowledge comes faith.”

  Me: “What happens when you meet someone who already has faith?”

  Penelope: “A lot of people say they have faith but they really don’t know. For example, some holidays have heathen origins. People celebrate without finding out for themselves what the holidays are and what they signify in Christian terms.”

  Me: “Which holidays are you talking about?”

  Penelope: “Christmas and Easter. It’s a known fact that Jesus was not born in December. He was in fact born in October! And, Easter bunnies are a fertility symbol from a heathen god.”

  Okay, all this is just another reality for me, but its not my welfare under discussion here.

  Hugh seems to think these people will help him. I think they’re decent crooks but what the …..

  Me: “Would you please excuse me for a minute?”

  Penelope: “Yes, yes certainly”.

  I need help to make a decision so I look in on Craig and Hugh doing a lesson in the other lounge.

  They sit sharing the sofa, their two heads bent in concentration. Hugh is reading and Craig is correcting and teaching. I stand and look at them unnoticed for all of two minutes, then go back to Penelope.

  Me: “How many children are there in your current program?”

  Penelope: “Just the one. Craig made an exception with Hugh. He normally teaches adults. The program is really geared towards adults who …”

  I thank Penelope for making the time to see me. I must say I enjoyed our talk.

  David had the right idea, about more than two lounges. They have their uses.

  Hugh will not hang, neither will he be tried.

  It’s hard to bring up a child to say the truth, have him say it, then you try the child for saying that truth.

  Want to know something else, Penelope believes what she was saying, every single word of it.

  I agree with Penelope’s statement that most people become parents before they consider why, and if they should be parents.

  My mother is a classic example.

  I’m Hugh’s parent. However, it doesn’t mean that I own him. I’ve the right to point out directions but no reason to refuse him the freedom to quest for his salvation.

  The most I can do is be a diligent parent.

  Either a child does the book religion, the spirit and powder religion or the flesh religion.

  He will come across all those soon enough but for now, maybe this will lay a stable foundation for the others to follow.

  Some of these things, you borrow from your own upbringing.

  For now they can have him, minus tentacles. It’s tempting to abdicate parenting but the truth is I enjoy parenting Hugh. I had him when I wanted to.

  I knew what I was doing when Hugh was conceived. Ask David. It was him who had trouble with directions.

  Those hormones are playing up again.

  I miss me. I miss the things I want to live and make true.

  I love Graham. I miss him and I want him for me. Now, now, should not let myself get into the dumps. Get busy. Keep motivated.

  We adopted a motivation creed, Hope, Ruth, Trish and I. It goes something like this and I quote:

  “You’re not doing it to be successful and you’re not doing it to make money. You’re doing it because it’s what you love.

  It gets you up early and keeps you up late. You notice things. You’ve an impact. You’ve a sense of contribution and life becomes joyous.

  Most people never experience that because they don’t find their real drive. They’re caught up in making a living instead of designing a life.

  They don’t know what they want so they don’t tap into their drive and they don’t discover what they’re capable of.

  You take little steps and as you build one step on the day before, another on top of the next day, at the end of thirty days you’ve made a huge change.”

  Want to know where we got that? A movie! Of course we had to buy the DVD and spend hours squabbling, writing that out.

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