Complete Works of Laurence Sterne

by Laurence Sterne

  I protest, says a Gentleman who sat next but one to the President, and who, it seems, was the Parson of the Parish, a Member not only of the Political, but also of a Musical Club in the next Street; — I protest, says he, if this Explanation is right, which I think it is, That the whole makes a very fine Symbol. — You have always some Musical Instrument or other in your Head, I think, says the Alderman. — Musical instrument! replies the Parson, in Astonishment, — Mr. Alderman, I mean an Allegory; and I think the greedy Disposition of Trim and his Wife, in ripping the Great Watch-Coat to Pieces, in order to convert it into a Petticoat for the one, and a Jerkin for the other, is one of the most beautiful of the Kind I ever met with; and will shew all the World what have been the true Views and Intentions of the Houses of Bourbon and Austria in this abominable Coalition, — I might have called it Whoredom: — Nay, says the Alderman, ’tis downright Adulterydom, or nothing.

  This Hypothesis of the President’s explain’d every Thing in the Romance extreamly well; and, withall, was delivered with so much Readiness and Air of Certainty, as begot an Opinion in two Thirds of the Club, that Mr. President was actually the Author of the Romance himself: But a Gentleman who sat on the opposite Side of the Table, who had come piping-hot from reading the History of King William’s and Queen Anne’s Wars, and who was thought, at the Bottom, to envy the President the Honour both of the Romance and Explanation too, gave an entire new Turn to it all. He acquainted the Club, That Mr. President was altogether wrong in every Supposition he had made, except that one, where the Great Watch-Coat was said by him to represent Europe, or at least a great Part of it: — So far he acknowledged he was pretty right; but that he had not gone far enough backwards into our History to come at the Truth. He then acquainted them, that the dividing the Great Watch-Coat did, and could, allude to nothing else in the World but the Partition-Treaty; which, by the Bye, he told them, was the most unhappy and scandalous Transaction in all King William’s Life: It was that false Step, and that only, says he, rising from his Chair, and striking his Hand upon the Table with great Violence; it was that false Step, says he, knitting his Brows and throwing his Pipe down upon the Ground, that has laid the Foundation of all the Disturbances and Sorrows we feel and lament at this very Hour; and as for Trim’s giving up the Breeches, look ye, it is almost Word for Word copied from the French King and Dauphin’s Renunciation of Spain and the West-Indies, which all the World knew (as was the very Case of the Breeches) were renounced by them on purpose to be reclaim’d when Time should serve.

  This Explanation had too much Ingenuity in it to be altogether slighted; and, in Truth, the worst Fault it had, seem’d to be the prodigious Heat of it; which (as an Apothecary, who sat next the Fire, observ’d, in a very low Whisper to his next Neighbour) was so much incorporated into every Particle of it, that it was impossible, under such Fermentation, it should work its defined Effect.

  This, however, no way intimidated a little valiant Gentleman, though he sat the very next Man, from giving an Opinion as diametrically opposite as East is from West.

  This Gentleman, who was by much the best Geographer in the whole Club, and, moreover, second Cousin to an Engineer, was positive the Breeches meant Gibraltar; for, if you remember, Gentlemen, says he, tho’ possibly you don’t, the Ichnography and Plan of that Town and Fortress, it exactly resembles a Pair of Trunk-Hose, the two Promontories forming the two Slops, &c. &c. — Now we all know, continued he, that King George the First made a Promise of that important Pass to the King of Spain: — So that the whole Drift of the Romance, according to my Sense of Things, is merely to vindicate the King and the Parliament in that Transaction, which made so much Noise in the World.

  A Wholesale Taylor, who from the Beginning had resolved not to speak at all in the Debate, — was at last drawn into it, by something very unexpected in the last Person’s Argument.

  He told the Company, frankly, he did not understand what Ichnography meant: — But as for the Shape of a Pair of Breeches, as he had had the Advantage of cutting out so many hundred Pairs in his Life-Time, he hoped he might be allowed to know as much of the Matter as another Man.

  Now, to my Mind, says he, there is nothing in all the Terraqueous Globe (a Map of which, it seems, hung up in his Work-Shop) so like a Pair of Breeches unmade up, as the Island of Sicily: — Nor is there any thing, if you go to that, quoth an honest Shoe-maker, who had the Honour to be a Member of the Club, so much like a Jack-Boot, to my Fancy, as the Kingdom of Italy. — What the Duce has either Italy or Sicily to do in the Affair? cries the President, who, by this Time, began to tremble for his Hypothesis, — What have they to do? — Why, answered the Partition-Treaty Gentleman, with great Spirit and Joy sparkling in his Eyes, — They have just so much, Sir, to do in the Debate as to overthrow your Suppositions, and to establish the Certainty of mine beyond the Possibility of a Doubt: For, says he, (with an Air of Sovereign Triumph over the President’s Politicks) — By the Partition-Treaty, Sir, both Naples and Sicily were the very Kingdoms made to devolve upon the Dauphin; — and Trim’s greasing the Parson’s Boots, is a Devilish Satyrical Stroke; — for it exposes the Corruption, and Bribery made Use of at that Juncture, in bringing over the several States and Princes of Italy to use their Interests at Rome, to stop the Pope from giving the Investitures of those Kingdoms to any Body else. — The Pope has not the Investiture of Sicily, cries another Gentleman. — I care not, says he, for that.

  Almost every one apprehended the Debate to be now ended, and that no one Member would venture any new Conjecture upon the Romance, after so many clear and decisive Interpretations had been given. But, hold, — Close to the Fire, and opposite to where the Apothecary sat, there sat also a Gentleman of the Law, who, from the Beginning to the End of the Hearing of this Case, seem’d no way satisfied in his Conscience with any one Proceeding in it. This Gentleman had not yet opened his Mouth, but had waited patiently till they had all gone thro’ their several Evidences on the other Side; — reserving himself, like an expert Practitioner, for the last Word in the Debate. When the Partition-Treaty-Gentleman had finish’d what he had to say, — He got up, — and, advancing towards the Table, told them, That the Error they had all gone upon thus far, in making out the several Facts in the Romance, — was in looking too high; which, with great Candor, he said, was a very natural Thing, and very excusable withall, in such a Political Club as theirs: For Instance, continues he, you have been searching the Registers, and looking into the Deeds of Kings and Emperors, — as if Nobody had any Deeds to shew or compare the Romance to but themselves. — This, continued the Attorney, is just as much out of the Way of good Practice, as if I should carry a Thing slap-dash into the House of Lords, which was under forty Shillings, and might be decided in the next County-Court for six Shillings and Eight-pence. — He then took the Romance in his Left Hand, and pointing with the Fore-Finger of his Right towards the second Page, he humbly begg’d Leave to observe, (and, to do him Justice, he did it in somewhat of a forensic Air) That the Parson, John, and Sexton, shewed incontestably the Thing to be Tripartite; now, if you will take Notice, Gentlemen, says he, these several Persons, who are Parties to this Instrument, are merely Ecclesiastical; that the Reading-Desk, Pulpit- Cloth, and Velvet Cushion, are tripartite too; and are, by Intendment of Law, Goods and Chattles merely of an Ecclesiastick Nature, belonging and appertaining ‘only unto them,’ and to them only. — So that it appears very plain to me, That the Romance, neither directly nor indirectly, goes upon Temporal, but altogether upon Church-Matters. — And do not you think, says he, softening his Voice a little, and addressing himself to the Parson with a forced Smile, — Do not you think Doctor, says he, That the Dispute in the Romance, between the Parson of the Parish and John, about the Height of John’s Desk, is a very fine Panegyrick upon the Humility of Church-Men? — I think, says the Parson, it is much of the same Fineness with that which your Profession is complimented with, in the pimping, dirty, pettyfogging Character of Trim, — which, in my Opinion, Sir
, is just such another Panegyrick upon the Honestly of Attornies.

  Nothing whets the Spirits like an Insult: — Therefore the Parson went on with a visible Superiority and an uncommon Acuteness. — As you are so happy, Sir, continues he, in making Applications, — pray turn over a Page or two to the black Law-Letters in the Romance. — What do you think of them, Sir? — Nay, — pray read the Grant of the Great Watch-Coat and Trim’s Renunciation of the Breeches. — Why, there is downright Lease and Release for you,— ’tis the very Thing, Man; — only with this small Difference, — and in which consists the whole Strength of the Panegyric, That the Author of the Romance has convey’d and re-convey’d, in about ten Lines, — what you, with the glorious Prolixity of the Law, could not have crowded into as many Skins of Parchment.

  The Apothecary, who had paid the Attorney, the same Afternoon, a Demand of Three Pounds Six Shillings and Eight-Pence, for much such another Jobb, — was so highly tickled with the Parson’s Repartee in that particular Point, — that he rubb’d his Hands together most fervently, — and laugh’d most triumphantly thereupon.

  This could not escape the Attorney’s Notice, any more than the Cause of it did escape his Penetration.

  I think, Sir, says he, (dropping his Voice a Third) you might well have spared this immoderate Mirth, since you and your Profession have the least Reason to triumph here of any of us. — I beg, quoth he, that you would reflect a Moment upon the Cob-Web which Trim went so far for, and brought back with an Air of so much Importance, in his Breeches Pocket, to lay upon the Parson’s cut Finger. — This said Cob-Web, Sir, is a fine- spun Satyre, upon the flimsy Nature of one Half of the Shop-Medicines, with which you make a Property of the Sick, the Ignorant, and the Unsuspecting. — And as for the Moral of the Close-Stool-Pan, Sir, ’tis too plain, Does not nine Parts in ten of the whole Practice, and of all you vend under its Colours, pass into and concenter in that one nasty Utensil? — And let me tell you, Sir, says he, raising his Voice, — had not your unseasonable Mirth blinded you, you might have seen that Trim’s carrying the Close-Stool-Pan upon his Head the whole Length of the Town, without blushing, is a pointed Raillery, — and one of the sharpest Sarcasms, Sir, that ever was thrown out upon you; — for it unveils the solemn Impudence of the whole Profession, who, I see, are ashamed of nothing which brings in Money.

  There were two Apothecaries in the Club, besides the Surgeon mentioned before, with a Chemist and an Undertaker, who all felt themselves equally hurt and aggrieved by this discourteous Retort: — And they were all five rising up together from their Chairs, with full Intent of Heart, as it was thought, to return the Reproof Valiant thereupon. — But the President, fearing it would end in a general Engagement, he instantly call’d out, To Order; — and gave Notice, That if there was any Member in the Club, who had not yet spoke, and yet did desire to speak upon the main Subject of the Debate, — that he should immediately be heard.

  This was a happy Invitation for a stammering Member, who, it seems, had

  but a weak Voice at the best; and having often attempted to speak in the

  Debate, but to no Purpose, had sat down in utter Despair of an

  Opportunity.

  This Member, you must know, had got a sad Crush upon his Hip, in the late Election, which gave him intolerable Anguish; — so that, in short, he could think of nothing else: — For which Cause, and others, he was strongly of Opinion, That the whole Romance was a just Gird at the late York Election; and I think, says he, that the Promise of the Breeches broke, may well and truly signify Somebody’s else Promise, which was broke, and occasion’d to much Disturbance amongst us.

  Thus every Man turn’d the Story to what was swimming uppermost in his

  own Brain; — so that, before all was over, there were full as many

  Satyres spun out of it, — and as great a Variety of Personages, Opinions,

  Transactions, and Truths, found to lay hid under the dark Veil of its

  Allegory, as ever were discovered in the thrice-renowned History of the

  Acts of Gargantua and Pantagruel.

  At the Close of all, and just before the Club was going to break up, — Mr. President rose from his Chair, and begg’d Leave to make the two following Motions, which were instantly agreed to, without any Division.

  First Gentlemen, says he, as Trim’s Character in the Romance, of a shuffling intriguing Fellow, — whoever it was drawn for, is, in Truth, as like the French King as it can stare, — I move, That the Romance be forthwith printed: — For, continues he, if we can but once turn the Laugh against him, and make him asham’d of what he has done, it may be a great Means, with the Blessing of God upon our Fleets and Armies, to save the Liberties of Europe.

  In the second Place, I move, That Mr. Attorney, our worthy Member, be desired to take Minutes, upon the Spot, of every Conjecture which has been made upon the Romance, by the several Members who have spoke; which, I think, says he, will answer two good Ends:

  1st, It will establish the Political Knowledge of our Club for ever, and place it in a respectable Light to all the World.

  In the next Place, it will furnish what will be wanted; that is, a Key to the Romance. — In troth you might have said a whole Bunch of Keys, quoth a Whitesmith, who was the only Member in the Club who had not said something in the Debate: But let me tell you, Mr. President, says he, That the Right Key, if it could but be found, would be worth the whole Bunch put together.

  To —— , Esq; of York.

  Sir,

  You write me Word that the Letter I wrote to you, and now stiled The

  Political Romance is printing; and that, as it was drop’d by

  Carelessness, to make some Amends, you will overlook the Printing of it

  yourself, and take Care to see that it comes right into the World.

  I was just going to return you Thanks, and to beg, withal, you would take Care That the Child be not laid at my Door. — But having, this Moment, perused the Reply to the Dean of York’s Answer, — it has made me alter my Mind in that respect; so that, instead of making you the Request I intended, I do here desire That the Child be filiated upon me, Laurence Sterne, Prebendary of York, &c. &c. And I do, accordingly, own it for my own true and lawful Offspring.

  My Reason for this is plain; — for as, you see, the Writer of that Reply, has taken upon him to invade this incontested Right of another Man’s in a Thing of this Kind, it is high Time for every Man to look to his own — Since, upon the same Grounds, and with half the Degree of Anger, that he affirms the Production of that very Reverend Gentleman’s, to be the Child of many Fathers, some one in his Spight (for I am not without my Friends of that Stamp) may run headlong into the other Extream, and swear, That mine had no Father at all: — And therefore, to make use of Bays’s Plea in the Rehearsal, for Prince Pretty-Man; I merely do it, as he says, “for fear it should be said to be no Body’s Child at all.”

  I have only to add two Things: — First, That, at your Peril, you do not presume to alter or transpose one Word, nor rectify one false Spelling, nor so much as add or diminish one Comma or Tittle, in or to my Romance: — For if you do, — In case any of the Descendents of Curl should think fit to invade my Copy-Right, and print it over again in my Teeth, I may not be able, in a Court of Justice, to swear strictly to my own Child, after you had so large a Share in the begetting it.

  In the next Place, I do not approve of your quaint Conceit at the Foot of the Title Page of my Romance, — It would only set People on finding a Page or two before I give them Leave; — and besides, all Attempts either at Wit or Humour, in that Place, are a Forestalling of what slender Entertainment of those Kinds are prepared within: Therefore I would have it stand thus:

  YORK: Printed in the Year 1759. (Price One Shilling.)

  I know you will tell me, That it is set too high; and as a Proof, you will say, That this last Reply to the Dean’s Answer does consist of near as many Pages as mine; and yet is all sold for Six-pence. — But mine, my dear Friend, is
quite a different Story: — It is a Web wrought out of my own Brain, of twice the Fineness of this which he has spun out of his; and besides, I maintain it, it is of a more curious Pattern, and could not be afforded at the Price that his is sold at, by any honest Workman in Great-Britain.

  Moreover, Sir, you do not consider, That the Writer is interested in his Story, and that it is his Business to set it a-going at any Price: And indeed, from the Information of Persons conversant in Paper and Print, I have very good Reason to believe, if he should sell every Pamphlet of them, he would inevitably be a Great Loser by it, This I believe verily, and am,

  Dear Sir, Your obliged Friend and humble Servant, LAURENCE STERNE,

  Sutton on the Forest, Jan. 20, 1759

  To Dr. TOPHAM.

  Sir,

  Though the Reply to the Dean of York is not declared, in the Title-Page, or elsewhere, to be wrote by you, — Yet I take that Point for granted; and therefore beg Leave, in this public Manner, to write to you in Behalf of myself; with Intent to set you right in two Points where I stand concerned in this Affair; and which I find you have misapprehended, and consequently (as I hope) misrepresented.

  The First is, in respect of some Words, made use of in the Instrument, signed by Dr. Herring, Mr. Berdmore and myself. — Namely, “to the best of our Remembrance and Belief”; which Words you have caught hold of, as implying some Abatement of our Certainty as to the Facts therein attested. Whether it was so with the other two Gentlemen who signed that Attestation with me, it is not for me to say; they are able to answer for themselves, and I desire to do so for myself; and therefore I declare to you, and to all Mankind, That the Words in the first Paragraph, “to the best of our Remembrance and Belief”, implied no Doubt remaining upon my Mind, nor any Distrust whatever of my Memory, from the Distance of Time; — Nor, in short, was it my Intention to attest the several Facts therein, as Matters of Belief — But as Matters of as much Certainty as a Man was capable of having, or giving Evidence to. In Consequence of this Explanation of myself, I do declare myself ready to attest the same Instrument over again, striking out the Words “to the best of our Remembrance and Belief” which I see, have raised this Exception to it.