Complete Works of Laurence Sterne

by Laurence Sterne

  CHAPTER IV

  I would not give a groat for that man’s knowledge in pencraft, who does not understand this, — That the best plain narrative in the world, tacked very close to the last spirited apostrophe to my uncle Toby — would have felt both cold and vapid upon the reader’s palate; — therefore I forthwith put an end to the chapter, though I was in the middle of my story.

  — Writers of my stamp have one principle in common with painters. Where an exact copying makes our pictures less striking, we choose the less evil; deeming it even more pardonable to trespass against truth, than beauty. This is to be understood cum grano salis; but be it as it will, — as the parallel is made more for the sake of letting the apostrophe cool, than any thing else,— ’tis not very material whether upon any other score the reader approves of it or not.

  In the latter end of the third year, my uncle Toby perceiving that the parameter and semiparameter of the conic section angered his wound, he left off the study of projectiles in a kind of a huff, and betook himself to the practical part of fortification only; the pleasure of which, like a spring held back, returned upon him with redoubled force.

  It was in this year that my uncle began to break in upon the daily regularity of a clean shirt, — to dismiss his barber unshaven, — and to allow his surgeon scarce time sufficient to dress his wound, concerning himself so little about it, as not to ask him once in seven times dressing, how it went on: when, lo! — all of a sudden, for the change was quick as lightning, he began to sigh heavily for his recovery, — complained to my father, grew impatient with the surgeon: — and one morning, as he heard his foot coming up stairs, he shut up his books, and thrust aside his instruments, in order to expostulate with him upon the protraction of the cure, which, he told him, might surely have been accomplished at least by that time: — He dwelt long upon the miseries he had undergone, and the sorrows of his four years melancholy imprisonment; — adding, that had it not been for the kind looks and fraternal chearings of the best of brothers, — he had long since sunk under his misfortunes. — My father was by: My uncle Toby’s eloquence brought tears into his eyes;— ’twas unexpected: — My uncle Toby, by nature was not eloquent; — it had the greater effect: — The surgeon was confounded; — not that there wanted grounds for such, or greater marks of impatience, — but ’twas unexpected too; in the four years he had attended him, he had never seen anything like it in my uncle Toby’s carriage; he had never once dropped one fretful or discontented word; — he had been all patience, — all submission.

  — We lose the right of complaining sometimes by forbearing it; — but we often treble the force: — The surgeon was astonished; but much more so, when he heard my uncle Toby go on, and peremptorily insist upon his healing up the wound directly, — or sending for Monsieur Ronjat, the king’s serjeant-surgeon, to do it for him.

  The desire of life and health is implanted in man’s nature; — the love of liberty and enlargement is a sister-passion to it: These my uncle Toby had in common with his species; — and either of them had been sufficient to account for his earnest desire to get well and out of doors; — but I have told you before, that nothing wrought with our family after the common way; — and from the time and manner in which this eager desire shewed itself in the present case, the penetrating reader will suspect there was some other cause or crotchet for it in my uncle Toby’s head: — There was so, and ’tis the subject of the next chapter to set forth what that cause and crotchet was. I own, when that’s done, ‘twill be time to return back to the parlour fire-side, where we left my uncle Toby in the middle of his sentence.

  CHAPTER V

  When a man gives himself up to the government of a ruling passion, — or, in other words, when his HOBBY-HORSE grows headstrong, — farewel cool reason and fair discretion!

  My uncle Toby’s wound was near well, and as soon as the surgeon recovered his surprize, and could get leave to say as much — he told him, ’twas just beginning to incarnate; and that if no fresh exfoliation happened, which there was no sign of, — it would be dried up in five or six weeks. The sound of as many Olympiads, twelve hours before, would have conveyed an idea of shorter duration to my uncle Toby’s mind. — The succession of his ideas was now rapid, — he broiled with impatience to put his design in execution; — and so, without consulting farther with any soul living, — which, by the bye, I think is right, when you are predetermined to take no one soul’s advice, — he privately ordered Trim, his man, to pack up a bundle of lint and dressings, and hire a chariot-and-four to be at the door exactly by twelve o’clock that day, when he knew my father would be upon ’Change. — So leaving a banknote upon the table for the surgeon’s care of him, and a letter of tender thanks for his brother’s — he packed up his maps, his books of fortification, his instruments, &c., and by the help of a crutch on one side, and Trim on the other, — my uncle Toby embarked for Shandy-Hall.

  The reason, or rather the rise of this sudden demigration was as follows:

  The table in my uncle Toby’s room, and at which, the night before this change happened, he was sitting with his maps, &c., about him — being somewhat of the smallest, for that infinity of great and small instruments of knowledge which usually lay crowded upon it — he had the accident, in reaching over for his tobacco-box, to throw down his compasses, and in stooping to take the compasses up, with his sleeve he threw down his case of instruments and snuffers; — and as the dice took a run against him, in his endeavouring to catch the snuffers in falling, — he thrust Monsieur Blondel off the table, and Count de Pagan o’top of him.

  ’Twas to no purpose for a man, lame as my uncle Toby was, to think of redressing these evils by himself, — he rung his bell for his man Trim; — Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, prithee see what confusion I have here been making — I must have some better contrivance, Trim. — Can’st not thou take my rule, and measure the length and breadth of this table, and then go and bespeak me one as big again? — Yes, an’ please your Honour, replied Trim, making a bow; but I hope your Honour will be soon well enough to get down to your country-seat, where, — as your Honour takes so much pleasure in fortification, we could manage this matter to a T.

  I must here inform you, that this servant of my uncle Toby’s, who went by the name of Trim, had been a corporal in my uncle’s own company, — his real name was James Butler, — but having got the nick-name of Trim in the regiment, my uncle Toby, unless when he happened to be very angry with him, would never call him by any other name.

  The poor fellow had been disabled for the service, by a wound on his left knee by a musket-bullet, at the battle of Landen, which was two years before the affair of Namur; — and as the fellow was well-beloved in the regiment, and a handy fellow into the bargain, my uncle Toby took him for his servant; and of an excellent use was he, attending my uncle Toby in the camp and in his quarters as a valet, groom, barber, cook, sempster, and nurse; and indeed, from first to last, waited upon him and served him with great fidelity and affection.

  My uncle Toby loved the man in return, and what attached him more to him still, was the similitude of their knowledge. — For Corporal Trim (for so, for the future, I shall call him), by four years occasional attention to his Master’s discourse upon fortified towns, and the advantage of prying and peeping continually into his Master’s plans, &c., exclusive and besides what he gained HOBBY-HORSICALLY, as a body-servant, Non Hobby Horsical per se; — had become no mean proficient in the science; and was thought, by the cook and chamber-maid, to know as much of the nature of strongholds as my uncle Toby himself.

  I have but one more stroke to give to finish Corporal Trim’s character, — and it is the only dark line in it. — The fellow loved to advise, — or rather to hear himself talk; his carriage, however, was so perfectly respectful, ’twas easy to keep him silent when you had him so; but set his tongue a-going, — you had no hold of him — he was voluble; — the eternal interlardings of your Honour, with the respectfulness of Corporal Trim’s manner, inte
rceding so strong in behalf of his elocution, — that though you might have been incommoded, — you could not well be angry. My uncle Toby was seldom either the one or the other with him, — or, at least, this fault, in Trim, broke no squares with them. My uncle Toby, as I said, loved the man; — and besides, as he ever looked upon a faithful servant, — but as an humble friend, — he could not bear to stop his mouth. — Such was Corporal Trim.

  If I durst presume, continued Trim, to give your Honour my advice, and speak my opinion in this matter. — Thou art welcome, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby — speak, — speak what thou thinkest upon the subject, man, without fear. Why then, replied Trim (not hanging his ears and scratching his head like a country-lout, but) stroking his hair back from his forehead, and standing erect as before his division, — I think, quoth Trim, advancing his left, which was his lame leg, a little forwards, — and pointing with his right hand open towards a map of Dunkirk, which was pinned against the hangings, — I think, quoth Corporal Trim, with humble submission to your Honour’s better judgment, — that these ravelins, bastions, curtins, and horn-works, make but a poor, contemptible, fiddle-faddle piece of work of it here upon paper, compared to what your Honour and I could make of it were we in the country by ourselves, and had but a rood, or a rood and a half of ground to do what we pleased with: As summer is coming on, continued Trim, your Honour might sit out of doors, and give me the nography — (Call it ichnography, quoth my uncle) — of the town or citadel, your Honour was pleased to sit down before, — and I will be shot by your Honour upon the glacis of it, if I did not fortify it to your Honour’s mind — I dare say thou would’st, Trim, quoth my uncle. — For if your Honour, continued the Corporal, could but mark me the polygon, with its exact lines and angles — That I could do very well, quoth my uncle. — I would begin with the fossé, and if your Honour could tell me the proper depth and breadth — I can to a hair’s breadth, Trim, replied my uncle. — I would throw out the earth upon this hand towards the town for the scarp, — and on that hand towards the campaign for the counterscarp. — Very right, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby: — And when I had sloped them to your mind, — an’ please your Honour, I would face the glacis, as the finest fortifications are done in Flanders, with sods, — and as your Honour knows they should be, — and I would make the walls and parapets with sods too. — The best engineers call them gazons, Trim, said my uncle Toby. — Whether they are gazons or sods, is not much matter, replied Trim; your Honour knows they are ten times beyond a facing either of brick or stone. — I know they are, Trim, in some respects, — quoth my uncle Toby, nodding his head; — for a cannon-ball enters into the gazon right onwards, without bringing any rubbish down with it, which might fill the fossé (as was the case at St. Nicolas’s gate), and facilitate the passage over it.

  Your Honour understands these matters, replied Corporal Trim, better than any officer in his Majesty’s service; — but would your Honour please to let the bespeaking of the table alone, and let us but go into the country, I would work under your Honour’s directions like a horse, and make fortifications for you something like a tansy, with all their batteries, saps, ditches, and palisadoes, that it should be worth all the world’s riding twenty miles to go and see it.

  My uncle Toby blushed as red as scarlet as Trim went on; — but it was not a blush of guilt, — of modesty, — or of anger, — it was a blush of joy; — he was fired with Corporal Trim’s project and description. — Trim! said my uncle Toby, thou hast said enough. — We might begin the campaign, continued Trim, on the very day that his Majesty and the Allies take the field, and demolish them town by town as fast as — Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, say no more. Your Honour, continued Trim, might sit in your arm-chair (pointing to it) this fine weather, giving me your orders, and I would — Say no more, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby — Besides, your Honour would get not only pleasure and good pastime, — but good air, and good exercise, and good health, — and your Honour’s wound would be well in a month. Thou hast said enough, Trim, — quoth my uncle Toby (putting his hand into his breeches-pocket) — I like thy project mightily. — And if your Honour pleases, I’ll this moment go and buy a pioneer’s spade to take down with us, and I’ll bespeak a shovel and a pick-axe, and a couple of — Say no more, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, leaping up upon one leg, quite overcome with rapture, — and thrusting a guinea into Trim’s hand, — Trim, said my uncle Toby, say no more; — but go down, Trim, this moment, my lad, and bring up my supper this instant.

  Trim ran down and brought up his master’s supper, — to no purpose: — Trim’s plan of operation ran so in my uncle Toby’s head, he could not taste it. — Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, get me to bed.— ’Twas all one. — Corporal Trim’s description had fired his imagination, — my uncle Toby could not shut his eyes. — The more he considered it, the more bewitching the scene appeared to him; — so that, two full hours before day-light, he had come to a final determination, and had concerted the whole plan of his and Corporal Trim’s decampment.

  My uncle Toby had a little neat country-house of his own, in the village where my father’s estate lay at Shandy, which had been left him by an old uncle, with a small estate of about one hundred pounds a-year. Behind this house, and contiguous to it, was a kitchen-garden of about half an acre; and at the bottom of the garden, and cut off from it by a tall yew hedge, was a bowling-green, containing just about as much ground as Corporal Trim wished for; — so that as Trim uttered the words, “A rood and a half of ground to do what they would with,” — this identical bowling-green instantly presented itself, and became curiously painted all at once, upon the retina of my uncle Toby’s fancy; — which was the physical cause of making him change colour, or at least of heightening his blush, to that immoderate degree I spoke of.

  Never did lover post down to a beloved mistress with more heat and expectation, than my uncle Toby did, to enjoy this self-same thing in private; — I say in private; — for it was sheltered from the house, as I told you, by a tall yew hedge, and was covered on the other three sides, from mortal sight, by rough holly and thick-set flowering shrubs: — so that the idea of not being seen, did not a little contribute to the idea of pleasure pre-conceived in my uncle Toby’s mind. — Vain thought! however thick it was planted about, — or private soever it might seem, — to think, dear uncle Toby, of enjoying a thing which took up a whole rood and a half of ground, — and not have it known!

  How my uncle Toby and Corporal Trim managed this matter, — with the history of their campaigns, which were no way barren of events, — may make no uninteresting under-plot in the epitasis and working-up of this drama. — At present the scene must drop, — and change for the parlour fire-side.

  CHAPTER VI

  — What can they be doing, brother? said my father. — I think, replied my uncle Toby, — taking, as I told you, his pipe from his mouth, and striking the ashes out of it as he began his sentence; — I think, replied he, — it would not be amiss, brother, if we rung the bell.

  Pray, what’s all that racket over our heads, Obadiah? — quoth my father; — my brother and I can scarce hear ourselves speak.

  Sir, answered Obadiah, making a bow towards his left shoulder, — my Mistress is taken very badly. — And where’s Susannah running down the garden there, as if they were going to ravish her? — Sir, she is running the shortest cut into the town, replied Obadiah, to fetch the old midwife. — Then saddle a horse, quoth my father, and do you go directly for Dr. Slop, the man-midwife, with all our services, — and let him know your mistress is fallen into labour — and that I desire he will return with you with all speed.

  It is very strange, says my father, addressing himself to my uncle Toby, as Obadiah shut the door, — as there is so expert an operator as Dr. Slop so near, — that my wife should persist to the very last in this obstinate humour of hers, in trusting the life of my child, who has had one misfortune already, to the ignorance of an old woman; — and not only the life of my child, brother, — but her own life, and wi
th it the lives of all the children I might, peradventure, have begot out of her hereafter.

  Mayhap, brother, replied my uncle Toby, my sister does it to save the expense: — A pudding’s end, — replied my father, — the Doctor must be paid the same for inaction as action, — if not better, — to keep him in temper.

  — Then it can be out of nothing in the whole world, quoth my uncle Toby, in the simplicity of his heart, — but MODESTY. — My sister, I dare say, added he, does not care to let a man come so near her * * * *. I will not say whether my uncle Toby had completed the sentence or not;— ’tis for his advantage to suppose he had, — as, I think, he could have added no ONE WORD which would have improved it.

  If, on the contrary, my uncle Toby had not fully arrived at the period’s end, — then the world stands indebted to the sudden snapping of my father’s tobacco-pipe for one of the neatest examples of that ornamental figure in oratory, which Rhetoricians stile the Aposiopesis. — Just Heaven! how does the Poco piu and the Poco meno of the Italian artists; — the insensible MORE OR LESS, determine the precise line of beauty in the sentence, as well as in the statute! How do the slight touches of the chisel, the pencil, the pen, the fiddle-stick, et cætera, — give the true swell, which gives the true pleasure! — O my countrymen; — be nice; — be cautious of your language; — and never, O! never let it be forgotten upon what small particles your eloquence and your fame depend.