Complete Works of Laurence Sterne

by Laurence Sterne

  [ — >] This I recommend to painters: — need I add, — to orators! — I think not; for unless they practise it, — they must fall upon their noses.

  So much for Corporal Trim’s body and legs. — He held the sermon loosely, not carelessly, in his left hand, raised something above his stomach, and detached a little from his breast; — his right arm falling negligently by his side, as nature and the laws of gravity ordered it, — but with the palm of it open and turned towards his audience, ready to aid the sentiment in case it stood in need.

  Corporal Trim’s eyes and the muscles of his face were in full harmony with the other parts of him; — he looked frank, — unconstrained, — something assured, — but not bordering upon assurance.

  Let not the critic ask how Corporal Trim could come by all this. — I’ve told him it should be explained; — but so he stood before my father, my uncle Toby, and Dr. Slop, — so swayed his body, so contrasted his limbs, and with such an oratorical sweep throughout the whole figure, — a statuary might have modelled from it; — nay, I doubt whether the oldest Fellow of a College, — or the Hebrew Professor himself, could have much mended it.

  Trim made a bow, and read as follows:

  The SERMON

  HEBREWS xiii. 18

  — For we trust we have a good Conscience

  “Trust! — Trust we have a good conscience!”

  [Certainly, Trim, quoth my father, interrupting him, you give that sentence a very improper accent; for you curl up your nose, man, and read it with such a sneering tone, as if the Parson was going to abuse the Apostle.

  He is, an’ please your Honour, replied Trim. Pugh! said my father, smiling.

  Sir, quoth Dr. Slop, Trim is certainly in the right; for the writer (who I perceive is a Protestant) by the snappish manner in which he takes up the apostle, is certainly going to abuse him; — if this treatment of him has not done it already. But from whence, replied my father, have you concluded so soon, Dr. Slop, that the writer is of our church? — for aught I can see yet, — he may be of any church. — Because, answered Dr. Slop, if he was of ours, — he durst no more take such a licence, — than a bear by his beard: — If, in our communion, Sir, a man was to insult an apostle, — a saint, — or even the paring of a saint’s nail, — he would have his eyes scratched out. — What, by the saint? quoth my uncle Toby. No, replied Dr. Slop, he would have an old house over his head. Pray is the Inquisition an ancient building, answered my uncle Toby, or is it a modern one? — I know nothing of architecture, replied Dr. Slop. — An’ please your Honours, quoth Trim, the Inquisition is the vilest — Prithee spare thy description, Trim, I hate the very name of it, said my father. — No matter for that, answered Dr. Slop, — it has its uses; for tho’ I’m no great advocate for it, yet, in such a case as this, he would soon be taught better manners; and I can tell him, if he went on at that rate, would be flung into the Inquisition for his pains. God help him then, quoth my uncle Toby. Amen, added Trim; for Heaven above knows, I have a poor brother who has been fourteen years a captive in it. — I never heard one word of it before, said my uncle Toby, hastily: — How came he there, Trim? — O, Sir! the story will make your heart bleed, — as it has made mine a thousand times; — but it is too long to be told now; — your Honour shall hear it from first to last some day when I am working beside you in our fortifications; — but the short of the story is this; — That my brother Tom went over a servant to Lisbon, — and then married a Jew’s widow, who kept a small shop, and sold sausages, which somehow or other, was the cause of his being taken in the middle of the night out of his bed, where he was lying with his wife and two small children, and carried directly to the Inquisition, where, God help him, continued Trim, fetching a sigh from the bottom of his heart, — the poor honest lad lies confined at this hour; he was as honest a soul, added Trim, (pulling out his handkerchief) as ever blood warmed. —

  — The tears trickled down Trim’s cheeks faster than he could well wipe them away. — And dead silence in the room ensued for some minutes. — Certain proof of pity!

  Come, Trim, quoth my father, after he saw the poor fellow’s grief had got a little vent, — read on, — and put this melancholy story out of thy head: — I grieve that I interrupted thee; but prithee begin the sermon again; — for if the first sentence in it is matter of abuse, as thou sayest, I have a great desire to know what kind of provocation the apostle has given.

  Corporal Trim wiped his face, and returned his handkerchief into his pocket, and, making a bow as he did it, — he began again.]

  The SERMON

  HEBREWS xiii. 18

  — For we trust we have a good Conscience. —

  “Trust! trust we have a good conscience! Surely if there is any thing in this life which a man may depend upon, and to the knowledge of which he is capable of arriving upon the most indisputable evidence, it must be this very thing, — whether he has a good conscience or no.”

  [I am positive I am right, quoth Dr. Slop.]

  “If a man thinks at all, he cannot well be a stranger to the true state of this account; — he must be privy to his own thoughts and desires; — he must remember his past pursuits, and know certainly the true springs and motives, which, in general, have governed the actions of his life.”

  [I defy him, without an assistant, quoth Dr. Slop.]

  “In other matters we may be deceived by false appearances; and, as the wise man complains, hardly do we guess aright at the things that are upon the earth, and with labour do we find the things that are before us. But here the mind has all the evidence and facts within herself; — is conscious of the web she has wove; — knows its texture and fineness, and the exact share which every passion has had in working upon the several designs which virtue or vice has planned before her.”

  [The language is good, and I declare Trim reads very well, quoth my father.]

  “Now, — as conscience is nothing else but the knowledge which the mind has within herself of this; and the judgment, either of approbation or censure, which it unavoidably makes upon the successive actions of our lives; ’tis plain you will say, from the very terms of the proposition, — whenever this inward testimony goes against a man, and he stands self-accused, that he must necessarily be a guilty man. — And, on the contrary, when the report is favourable on his side, and his heart condemns him not: — that it is not a matter of trust, as the apostle intimates, but a matter of certainty and fact, that the conscience is good, and that the man must be good also.”

  [Then the apostle is altogether in the wrong, I suppose, quoth Dr. Slop, and the Protestant divine is in the right. Sir, have patience, replied my father, for I think it will presently appear that St. Paul and the Protestant divine are both of an opinion. — As nearly so, quoth Dr. Slop, as east is to west; — but this, continued he, lifting both hands, comes from the liberty of the press.

  It is no more, at the worst, replied my uncle Toby, than the liberty of the pulpit; for it does not appear that the sermon is printed, or ever likely to be.

  Go on, Trim, quoth my father.]

  “At first sight this may seem to be a true state of the case: and I make no doubt but the knowledge of right and wrong is so truly impressed upon the mind of man, — that did no such thing ever happen, as that the conscience of a man, by long habits of sin, might (as the scripture assures it may) insensibly become hard; — and, like some tender parts of his body, by much stress and continual hard usage, lose by degrees that nice sense and perception with which God and nature endowed it: — Did this never happen; — or was it certain that self-love could never hang the least bias upon the judgment; — or that the little interests below could rise up and perplex the faculties of our upper regions, and encompass them about with clouds and thick darkness: — Could no such thing as favour and affection enter this sacred Court: — Did WIT disdain to take a bribe in it; — or was ashamed to shew its face as an advocate for an unwarrantable enjoyment: Or, lastly, were we assured that INTEREST stood always unconcerned whils
t the cause was hearing — and that Passion never got into the judgment-seat, and pronounced sentence in the stead of Reason, which is supposed always to preside and determine upon the case: — Was this truly so, as the objection must suppose; — no doubt then the religious and moral state of a man would be exactly what he himself esteemed it: — and the guilt or innocence of every man’s life could be known, in general, by no better measure, than the degrees of his own approbation and censure.

  “I own, in one case, whenever a man’s conscience does accuse him (as it seldom errs on that side) that he is guilty; and unless in melancholy and hypocondriac cases, we may safely pronounce upon it, that there is always sufficient grounds for the accusation.

  “But the converse of the proposition will not hold true; — namely, that whenever there is guilt, the conscience must accuse; and if it does not, that a man is therefore innocent. — This is not fact — So that the common consolation which some good christian or other is hourly administering to himself, — that he thanks God his mind does not misgive him; and that, consequently, he has a good conscience, because he hath a quiet one, — is fallacious; — and as current as the inference is, and as infallible as the rule appears at first sight, yet when you look nearer to it, and try the truth of this rule upon plain facts, — you see it liable to so much error from a false application; — the principle upon which it goes so often perverted; — the whole force of it lost, and sometimes so vilely cast away, that it is painful to produce the common examples from human life, which confirm the account.

  “A man shall be vicious and utterly debauched in his principles; — exceptionable in his conduct to the world; shall live shameless, in the open commission of a sin which no reason or pretence can justify, — a sin by which, contrary to all the workings of humanity, he shall ruin for ever the deluded partner of his guilt; — rob her of her best dowry; and not only cover her own head with dishonour; — but involve a whole virtuous family in shame and sorrow for her sake. Surely, you will think conscience must lead such a man a troublesome life; he can have no rest night or day from its reproaches.

  “Alas! CONSCIENCE had something else to do all this time, than break in upon him; as Elijah reproached the god Baal, — this domestic god was either talking, or pursuing, or was in a journey, or peradventure he slept and could not be awoke.

  “Perhaps HE was gone out in company with HONOUR to fight a duel: to pay off some debt at play; — or dirty annuity, the bargain of his lust; Perhaps CONSCIENCE all this time was engaged at home, talking aloud against petty larceny, and executing vengeance upon some such puny crimes as his fortune and rank of life secured him against all temptation of committing; so that he lives as merrily” — [If he was of our church, tho’, quoth Dr. Slop, he could not]— “sleeps as soundly in his bed; — and at last meets death as unconcernedly; — perhaps much more so, than a much better man.”

  [All this is impossible with us, quoth Dr. Slop, turning to my father, — the case could not happen in our church. — It happens in ours, however, replied my father, but too often. — I own, quoth Dr. Slop, (struck a little with my father’s frank acknowledgment) — that a man in the Romish church may live as badly; — but then he cannot easily die so.— ’Tis little matter, replied my father, with an air of indifference, — how a rascal dies. — I mean, answered Dr. Slop, he would be denied the benefits of the last sacraments. — Pray how many have you in all, said my uncle Toby, — for I always forget? — Seven, answered Dr. Slop. — Humph! — said my uncle Toby; tho’ not accented as a note of acquiescence, — but as an interjection of that particular species of surprize, when a man in looking into a drawer, finds more of a thing than he expected. — Humph! replied my uncle Toby. Dr. Slop, who had an ear, understood my uncle Toby as well as if he had wrote a whole volume against the seven sacraments. — Humph! replied Dr. Slop (stating my uncle Toby’s argument over again to him) — Why, Sir, are there not seven cardinal virtues? — Seven mortal sins? — Seven golden candlesticks? — Seven heavens?— ’Tis more than I know, replied my uncle Toby. — Are there not seven wonders of the world? — Seven days of the creation? — Seven planets? — Seven plagues? — That there are, quoth my father with a most affected gravity. But prithee, continued he, go on with the rest of thy characters, Trim.]

  “Another is sordid, unmerciful,” (here Trim waved his right hand) “a strait-hearted, selfish wretch, incapable either of private friendship or public spirit. Take notice how he passes by the widow and orphan in their distress, and sees all the miseries incident to human life without a sigh or a prayer.” [An’ please your honours, cried Trim, I think this a viler man than the other.]

  “Shall not conscience rise up and sting him on such occasions? — No; thank God there is no occasion, I pay every man his own; — I have no fornication to answer to my conscience; — no faithless vows or promises to make up; — I have debauched no man’s wife or child; thank God, I am not as other men, adulterers, unjust, or even as this libertine, who stands before me.

  “A third is crafty and designing in his nature. View his whole life;— ’tis nothing but a cunning contexture of dark arts and unequitable subterfuges, basely to defeat the true intent of all laws, — plain-dealing and the safe enjoyment of our several properties. — You will see such a one working out a frame of little designs upon the ignorance and perplexities of the poor and needy man; — shall raise a fortune upon the inexperience of a youth, or the unsuspecting temper of his friend, who would have trusted him with his life.

  “When old age comes on, and repentance calls him to look back upon this black account, and state it over again with his conscience — CONSCIENCE looks into the STATUTES AT LARGE; — finds no express law broken by what he has done; — perceives no penalty or forfeiture of goods and chattels incurred; — sees no scourge waving over his head, or prison opening his gates upon him: — What is there to affright his conscience? — Conscience has got safely entrenched behind the Letter of the Law; sits there invulnerable, fortified with #Cases# and #Reports# so strongly on all sides; — that it is not preaching can dispossess it of its hold.”

  [Here Corporal Trim and my uncle Toby exchanged looks with each other. — Aye, aye, Trim! quoth my uncle Toby, shaking his head, — these are but sorry fortifications, Trim. — O! very poor work, answered Trim, to what your Honour and I make of it. — The character of this last man, said Dr. Slop, interrupting Trim, is more detestable than all the rest; and seems to have been taken from some pettifogging Lawyer amongst you: — Amongst us, a man’s conscience could not possibly continue so long blinded, — three times in a year, at least, he must go to confession. Will that restore it to sight? quoth my uncle Toby. — Go on, Trim, quoth my father, or Obadiah will have got back before thou hast got to the end of thy sermon.— ’Tis a very short one, replied Trim. — I wish it was longer, quoth my uncle Toby, for I like it hugely. — Trim went on.]

  “A fourth man shall want even this refuge; — shall break through all their ceremony of slow chicane; — scorns the doubtful workings of secret plots and cautious trains to bring about his purpose: — See the bare-faced villain, how he cheats, lies, perjures, robs, murders! — Horrid! — But indeed much better was not to be expected, in the present case — the poor man was in the dark! — his priest had got the keeping of his conscience; — and all he would let him know of it, was, That he must believe in the Pope; — go to Mass; — cross himself; — tell his beads; — be a good Catholic, and that this, in all conscience, was enough to carry him to heaven. What; — if he perjures! — Why; — he had a mental reservation in it. — But if he is so wicked and abandoned a wretch as you represent him; — if he robs, — if he stabs, will not conscience, on every such act, receive a wound itself? — Aye, — but the man has carried it to confession; — the wound digests there, and will do well enough, and in a short time be quite healed up by absolution. O Popery! what hast thou to answer for? — when, not content with the too many natural and fatal ways, thro’ which the heart of man is every day th
us treacherous to itself above all things; — thou hast wilfully set open the wide gate of deceit before the face of this unwary traveller, too apt, God knows, to go astray of himself; and confidently speak peace to himself, when there is no peace.

  “Of this the common instances which I have drawn out of life, are too notorious to require much evidence. If any man doubts the reality of them, or thinks it impossible for a man to be such a bubble to himself, — I must refer him a moment to his own reflections, and will then venture to trust my appeal with his own heart.

  “Let him consider in how different a degree of detestation, numbers of wicked actions stand there, tho’ equally bad and vicious in their own natures; — he will soon find, that such of them as strong inclination and custom have prompted him to commit, are generally dressed out and painted with all the false beauties which a soft and a flattering hand can give them; — and that the others, to which he feels no propensity, appear, at once, naked and deformed, surrounded with all the true circumstances of folly and dishonour.

  “When David surprized Saul sleeping in the cave, and cut off the skirt of his robe — we read his heart smote him for what he had done: — But in the matter of Uriah, where a faithful and gallant servant, whom he ought to have loved and honoured, fell to make way for his lust, — where conscience had so much greater reason to take the alarm, his heart smote him not. A whole year had almost passed from the first commission of that crime, to the time Nathan was sent to reprove him; and we read not once of the least sorrow or compunction of heart which he testified, during all that time, for what he had done.

  “Thus conscience, this once able monitor, — placed on high as a judge within us, and intended by our Maker as a just and equitable one too, — by an unhappy train of causes and impediments, takes often such imperfect cognizance of what passes, — does its office so negligently, — sometimes so corruptly — that it is not to be trusted alone; and therefore we find there is a necessity, an absolute necessity, of joining another principle with it, to aid, if not govern, its determinations.