— but why make Suppositions? — when Situations happen — tis time enough to shew thee That thy Bramin is the truest & most friendly of mortal Spirits, & capable of doing more for his Eliza, than his pen will suffer him to promise.
Ap: 26. Slept not till three this morning — was in too delicious Society to think of it; for I was all the time with thee besides me, talking over the projess [SIC] of our friendship, & turning the world into a thousand shapes to enjoy it got up much better for the Conversation — found myself improved in body & mind & recruited beyond any thing I lookd for; my Doctors, stroked their beards, & look’d ten per Ct wiser upon feeling my pulse, & enquiring after my Symptoms — am still to run thro’ a Course of Van Sweeten’s corrosive Mercury, or rather Van Sweeten’s Course of Mercury is to run thro’ me — I shall be sublimated to an etherial Substance by the time my Eliza sees me — she must be sublimated and uncorporated too, to be able to see me — but I was always transparent & a Being easy to be seen thro’, or Eliza had never loved me nor had Eliza been of any other Cast herself could her Bramine have held Communion with her hear every day from our worthy sentimental friend — who rejoyces to think that the Name of Eliza is still to vibrate upon Yorick’s ear — this, my dear Girl, many who loved me dispair’d off — poor Molly who is all attention to me — & every day brings in the name of poor Mrs Draper, told me last night, that She and her Mistress had observed, I had never held up my head, since the Day you last dined with me — That I had seldome laughd or smiled — had gone to no Diversions — but twice or thrice at the most, dined out — That they thought I was broken hearted, for she never enterd the room or passd by the door, but she heard me sigh heavily — That I neither eat or slept or took pleasure in any Thing as before, except writing — The Observation will draw a sigh Eliza, from thy feeling heart — & yet, so thy heart wd wish to have it — tis fit in truth We suffer equally nor can it be otherwise — when the causes of anguish in two hearts are so proportion’d, as in ours. — ; Surely — Surely — Thou art mine Eliza! for dear have have I bought thee!
Ap: 27. Things go better with me, Eliza! and I shall be reestablished soon, except in bodily weakness; not yet being able to rise from thy arm chair, & walk to the other corner of my room, & back to it again without fatigue — I shall double my Journey to morrow, & if the day is warm the day after be got into my Carriage & be transported into Hyde park for the advantage of air and exercise — wast thou but besides me, I could go to Salt hill, I’m sure, & feel the journey short & pleasant. — another Time! * * * * * * * — the present, alas! is not ours. I pore so much on thy Picture — I have it off by heart — dear Girl — oh tis sweet! tis kind! tis reflecting! tis affectionate! tis — thine my Bramine — I say my matins & Vespers to it — I quiet my Murmurs, by the Spirit which speaks in it— “all will end well my Yorick.” — I declare my dear Bramine I am so secured & wrapt up in this Belief, That I would not part with the Imagination, of how happy I am to be with thee, for all the offers of present Interest or Happiness the whole world could tempt me with; in the loneliest cottage that Love & Humility ever dwelt in, with thee along with me, I could possess more refined Content, Than in the most glittering Court; & with thy Love & fidelity, taste truer joys, my Eliza, & make thee also partake of more, than all the senseless parade of this silly world could compensate to either of us — with this, I bound all my desires & worldly views — what are they worth without Eliza? Jesus! grant me but this, I will deserve it — I will make my Bramine as Happy, as thy goodness wills her — I will be the Instrument of her recompense for the sorrows & disappointments thou has suffer’d her to undergo; & if ever I am false, unkind or ungentle to her, so let me be dealt with by thy Justice.
9 o’clock, I am preparing to go to bed my dear Girl, & first pray for thee, & then to Idolize thee for two wakeful hours upon my pillow — I shall after that, I find dream all night of thee, for all the day have I done nothing but think of thee — something tells, that thou hast this day, been employed in the same way good night, fair Soul — & may the sweet God of sleep close gently thy eyelids — & govern & direct thy Slumbers — adieu — adieu, adieu!
Ap: 28. I was not deceived Eliza! by my presentiment that I should find thee out in my dreams; for I have been with thee almost the whole night, alternately soothing Thee, or telling thee my sorrows — I have rose up comforted & strengthend — & found myself so much better, that I orderd my Carriage, to carry me to our mutual friend — Tears ran down her cheeks when she saw how pale & wan I was — never gentle creature sympathized more tenderly — I beseech you, cried the good Soul, not to regard either difficulties or expences, but fly to Eliza directly — I see you will dye without her — save yrself for her — how shall I look her in the face? What can I say to her, when on her return I have to tell her, That her Yorick is no more! — Tell her my dear friend, said I, That I will meet her in a better world — & that I have left this, because I could not live without her; tell Eliza, my dear friend, added I — That I died broken hearted — and that you were a Witness to it — as I said this, She burst into the most pathetick flood of Tears — that ever kindly Nature shed. You never beheld so affecting a Scene— ’twas too much for Nature! oh! she is good — I love her as my Sister! — & could Eliza have been a witness, hers would have melted down to Death & scarse have been brought back, an Extacy so celestial & savouring of another world. — I had like to have fainted, & to that Degree was my heart & soul affected, it was wth difficulty I could reach the street door; I have got home, & shall lay all day upon my Sopha — & to morrow morning my dear Girl write again to thee; for I have not strength to drag my pen —
Ap: 29.
I am so ill to day, my dear, I can only tell you so — I wish I was put into a Ship for Bombay — 1 wish I may otherwise hold out till the hour We might otherwise have met — L have too many evils upon me at once — & yet I will not faint under them — Come! — Come to me soon my Eliza & save me!
Ap: 30. Better to day — but am too much visited & find my strength wasted by the attention I must give to all concern’d for me — I will go Eliza, be it but by ten mile Journeys, home to my thatchd Cottage — & there I shall have no respit — for I shall do nothing but think of thee — and burn out this weak Taper of Life by the flame thou hast superadded to it — fare well my dear * * * * * * — tomorrow begins a new month — & I hope to give thee in it, a more sunshiny side of myself — Heaven! how is it with my Eliza —
May 1. got out into the park to day — Sheba there on Horseback; pass’d twice by her without knowing her — she stop’d the 3d? time — to ask me how I did — I wd not have askd you, Solomon! said She, but yr Looks affected me — for you’r half dead I fear — I thank’d Sheba very kindly, but without any emotion but what sprung from gratitude — Love alas! was fled with thee Eliza! — I did not think Sheba could have changed so much in grace & beauty — Thou hadst shrunk poor Sheba away into Nothing, but a good natured girl, without powers or charms — I fear your wife is dead; quoth Sheba — no, you don’t fear it Sheba said I — Upon my word Solomon! I would quarrel with You, was you not so ill — If you knew the cause of my Illness, Sheba, replied I, you wd quarrel but the more with me — You lie, Solomon! answerd Sheba, for I know the Cause already — & am so little out of Charity with You upon it — That I give you leave to come & drink Tea with me before you leave Town — you’re a good honest Creature Sheba — no! you Rascal, I am not — but I’m in Love, as much as you can be for yr. Life — I’m glad of it Sheba! said I — You Lie, said Sheba, & so canter’d away. — O my Eliza, had I ever truely loved another (wch I never did) Thou hast long ago, cut the Root of all Affection in me — & planted & waterd & nourish’d it, to bear fruit only for thyself — Continue to give me proofs I have had and shall preserve the same rights over thee my Eliza! and if I ever murmur at the sufferings of Life after that, Let me be numberd with the ungrateful. — I look now forwards with Impatience for the day thou art to get to Madras — & from thence shall I want to hasten thee to Bombay �
�� where heaven will make all things Conspire to lay the Basis of thy health & future happiness — be true my dear girl, to thy self — & the rights of Self preservation which Nature has given thee — persevere — be firm — be pliant — be placid — be courteous — but still be true to thy self — & never give up yr. Life, — or suffer the disquieting altercations, or small outrages you may undergo in this momentous point, to weigh a Scruple in the Ballance — Firmness — & fortitude & perseverance gain almost impossibilities — & Skin for Skin, saith Job, nay all that a Man has, will he give for his Life” — oh my Eliza! That I could take the Wings of the Morning, & fly to aid thee in this virtuous Struggle, went to Ranelagh at 8 this night, and sat still till ten — came home ill.
May 2d I fear I have relapsed — sent afresh for my Doctor — who has confined me to my sopha — being able neither to walk, stand or sit upright, without aggravating my Symptoms — I’m still to be treated as if I was a Sinner — & in truth have some appearances so strongly implying it, That was I not conscious I had had no Commerce with the Sex these 15 Years, I would decamp to morrow for Montpellier in the South of France, where Maladies of this sort are better treated & all taints more radically driven out of the Blood — than in this Country; but If I continue long ill — I am still determined to repair there — not to undergo a Cure of a distemper I cannot have, but for the bettering my Constitution by a better Climate. — I write this as I lie upon my back — in wch posture I must continue, I fear some days — If I am able — will take up my pen again before night — o clock. — an hour dedicated to Eliza! for I have dined alone — & ever since the Cloath has been laid, have done nothing but call upon thy dear Name — and ask why tis not permitted thou shouldst sit down, & share my Macarel & fowl — there would be enough, said Molly as she placed it upon the Table to have served both You & poor Mrs Draper — I never bring in the knives & forks, added she, but I think of her — There was no more trouble with you both, than wth one of You — I never heard a high or a hasty word from either of You — You were surely made, added Molly, for one another, you are both so kind so quiet & so friendly — Molly furnishd me with Sause to my Meat — for I wept my plate full, Eliza! & now I have begun, could shed tears till Supper again — & then go to bed weeping for thy absence till morning. Thou hast bewitch’d me with powers, my dear Girl, from which no power shall unlose me — and if fate can put this Journel of my Love into thy hands, before we meet, I know with what warmth it will inflame the kindest of hearts, to receive me peace be with thee, my Eliza, till that happy moment!
9 at night. I shall never get possession of myself, Eliza! at this rate — I want to Call off my Thoughts from thee, that I may now & then apply them to some concrns wch require both my attention & genius, but to no purpose — I had a Letter to write to Lord Shelburn — & had got my apparatus in order to begin — when a Map of India coming in my Way — I begun to study the length & dangers of my Eliza’s Voiage to it, and have been amusing & frightening myself by turns, as I traced the path-way of the Earl of Chatham, the whole afternoon — good god! what a voiage for any one! — but for the poor relax’d frame of my tender Bramine to cross the Line twice, & be subject to the Intolerant heats, & the hazards wch must be the consequence of em to such an unsupported Being! O Eliza! ’tis too much — & if thou conquerest these, and all the other difficulties of so tremendous an alienation from thy Country, thy Children & thy friends, tis the hand of Providence wch watches over thee for most merciful purposes — Let this persuasion, my dear Eliza! stick close to thee in all thy tryals — as it shall in those thy faithful Bramin is put to — till the mark’d hour of deliverance comes. I’m going to sleep upon this religious Elixir — may the Infusion of it distil into the gentlest of hearts — for that Eliza! is thine — sweet, dear, faithful Girl, most kindly does thy Yorick greet thee with the wishes of a good night & of Millions yet to come —
May Sunday. What can be the matter with me! Something is wrong, Eliza! in every part of me — I do not gain strength; nor have I the feelings of health returning back to me; even my best moments seem merely the efforts of my mind to get well again, because I cannot reconcile myself to the thoughts of never seeing thee Eliza more. — for something is out of tune in every Chord of me — still with thee to nurse & sooth me, I should soon do well — The want of thee is half my distemper — but not the whole of it — I must see Mrs James to night, tho’ I know not how to get there — but I shall not sleep, if I don’t talk of you to her — so shall finish this Days Journal on my return —
May 4th Directed by Mrs James how to write Over-Lund to thee, my Eliza! — would gladly tear out thus much of my Journal to send to thee — but the Chances are too many against it’s getting to Bombay — or of being deliverd into yr own hands — shall write a long long Letter — & trust it to fate & thee, was not able to say three words at Mrs James, thro’ utter weakness of body & mind; & when I got home — could not get up stairs wth Molly’s aid — have rose a little better, my dear girl — & will live for thee — do the same for thy Bramin, I beseech thee, a Line from thee now, in this state of my Dejection, — would be worth a kingdome to me! —
May 4. Writing by way of Vienna & Bussorah My Eliza. — this & Company took up the day.
5th writing to Eliza. — & trying l’Extraite de Saturne upon myself. — (a french Nostrum)
6th Dined out for the Is? time — came home to enjoy a more harmonious evening wth my Eliza, than I could expect at Soho Concrt — every Thing my dear Girl, has lost its former relish to me — & for thee eternally does it quicken! writing to thee over Land all day.
7. continue poorly, my dear! — but my blood warms every mom! I think of our future Scenes — so must grow strong upon the Idea — what shall I do upon the Reality? — O God! —
8th employ’d in writing to my Dear all day — & in projecting happiness for her — the in misery myself. O! I have undergone Eliza! — but the worst is over — (I hope) — so adieu to those Evils, & let me has’t the happiness to come.
9th — 10th — & 11th — so unaccountably disorder’d — I cannot say more — but that I w suffer ten times more & with wishs for my Eliza — adieu bless’d Woman! —
12th O Eliza! That my weary head was now laid upon thy Lap — (tis all that’s left for it) — or that I had thine, reclining upon my bosome, and there resting all its disquietudes; — my Bramine — the world or Yorick must perish, before that foundation shall fail thee! — I continue poorly — but I turn my Eyes Eastward the oftener, & with more earnestness for it — Great God of Mercy! shorten the Space betwixt us, — Shorten the space of our miseries!
13th Could not get the Gen1, post office to take charge of my Letters to You — so gave thirty shillings to a Merchant to further them to Aleppo & from thence to Bassorah — so you will receive ‘em (I hope in god) say by Christmas — Surely ’tis not impossible, but I may be made as happy as my Eliza, by some transcript from her, by that time — If not I shall hope — & hope every week, and every hour of it, for Tidings of Comfort — we taste not of it now, my dear Bramine — but we will make full meals upon it hereafter. — Cards from 7 or 8 of our Grandies to dine with them before I leave Town — shall go like a Lamb to the Slaughter— “Man delights not me — nor Woman.”
14. — a little better to day — & would look pert, if my heart would but let me — dined wth & Lady Bellasis. — so beset wth Company — not a moment to write.
15. — Undone with too much Society yesterday, — You scarse can Conceive my dear Eliza what a poor Soul I am — how I shall be got down to Cox only heaven knows — for I am as weak as a Child — You would not like me the worse for it, Eliza, if you was here — My friends like me, the more, — & Swear I shew more true fortitude & eveness of temper in my Suffering than Seneca, or Socrates — I am, my Bramin, resigned.
16. — Taken up all day with worldly matters, just as my Eliza was the week before her departure. — breakfasted with Lady Spencer — caught her with the character of yr. Portrait
— caught her passions still more with that of yrself — & my Attachment to the most amiable of Beings — drove at night to Ranelagh — staid an hour — returnd to my Lodgings, dissatisfied.
17. — At Court — every thing in this world seems in Masquerade, but thee dear Woman — and therefore I am sick of all the world but thee — one Evening so spent, as the Saturday’s wch precceeded our Separation — would sicken all the Conversation of the world — I relish no Converse since — when will the like return? — tis hidden from us both, for the wisest ends — and the hour will come my Eliza! when We shall be convinced, that every event has been order’d for the best for Us — our fruit is not ripend — the accidents of time & Seasons will ripen every Thing together for Us — a little better to day — or could not have wrote this, dear Bramine rest thy Sweet Soul in peace!
18. — Laid sleepless all night, with thinking of the many dangers & sufferings, my dear Girl! that thou art exposed to — from the Voiage & thy sad state of health — but I find I must think no more upon them — I have rose wan and trembling with the Havock they have made upon my nerves — tis death to me to apprehend for you — I must flatter my Imagination, That every Thing goes well with You — Surely no evil can have befallen you — for if it had — I had felt some monitory sympathetic Shock within me, wch would have spoke like Revela tion. — So farewell to all tormenting May be’s in regard to my Eliza — She is well — she thinks of her Yorick wth as much Affection and true esteem as ever — and values him as much above the World, as he values his Bramine.
19.
Packing up, or rather Molly for me, the whole day — tormenting! had not Molly all the time talk’d of poor Mrs Draper — & recounted every Visit She had made me, and every repast she had shared with me — how good a Lady! — How sweet a temper! — how beautiful! — how genteel! — how gentle a Carriage — & how soft & engaging a look! — the poor girl is bewitch’d with us both — infinitely interested in our Story, tho’ She knows nothing of it but from her penetration and Conjectures. — She says however, tis Impossible not to be in Love with her — In heart felt truth, Eliza! I’m of Molly’s opinion.
Complete Works of Laurence Sterne Page 118
