20. — Taking Leave of all the Town, before my departure to morrow.
21. — detaind by Lord & Lady Spencer who had made a party to dine & sup on my Acct Impatient to set out for my Solitude — there the Mind, Eliza! gains strength, & learns to lean upon herself — and seeks refuge in its own Constancy & Virtue — in the world it seeks or accepts of a few treacherous supports — the feign’d Compassion of one — the flattery of a second — the Civilities of a third — the friendship of a fourth — they all deceive — & bring the Mind back to where mine is retreating — that is Eliza! to itself — to thee who art my second self, to retirement, reflection & Books — when The Stream of Things, dear Bramine, Brings Us both together to this Haven — will not your heart take up its rest for ever? & will not yr head Leave the world to those who can make a better thing of it — if there are any who know how. — Heaven take thee Eliza! under it’s Wing — adieu! adieu —
Left Bond Street & London wt it, this Morning — What a Creature I am! my heart has ached this week to get away — & still was ready to bleed in quiting a Place where my Connection with my dear dear Eliza began — Adieu to it! till I am summon’d up to the Downs by a Message, to fly to her — for I think I shall not be able to support Town without you — & wd chuse rather to sit solitary here till the end of the next Summer — to be made happy altogether — then seek for happiness — or even suppose I can have it, but in Eliza’s Society.
23d bear my Journey badly — ill — & dispirited all the Way — staid two days on the road at the A-Bishops of Yorks — shewd his Grace & his Lady and Sister yr portrait — wth a short but interesting Story of my friendship for the Original — kindly nursed & honourd both — arrived at my Thatchd Cottage the 28th of May.
29th & 30th — confined to my bed — so emaciated, and unlike what I was, I could scarse be angry with thee Eliza, if thou Coulds not remember me, did heaven send me across thy way — Alas! poor Yorick!— “remember thee! Pale Ghost — remember thee — whilst Memory holds a seat in this distracted World — Remember thee — Yes from the Table of her Memory, shall just Eliza wipe away all trivial men — & leave a throne for Yorick — adieu dear constant Girl — adieu — adieu — & Remember my Truth and eternal fidelity — Remember how! Love — remember what I suffer. — Thou art mine Eliza by Purchace — had I not earn’d thee with a bitter price.
31.
Going this day upon a long course of Corrosive Mercury — wch in itself, is deadly poyson, but given in a certain preparation, not very dangerous — I was forced to give it up in Town, from the terrible Cholicks both in Stomach & Bowels — but the Faculty thrust it down my Throat again — These Gentry have got it into their Nodelles, That mine is an Ecclesiastick Rheum as the french call it — god help em! I submit as my Uncle Toby did, in drinking Water, upon the wound he recd in his Groin — Merely for quietness sake.
June 1.
The Faculty, my dear Eliza! have mistaken my Case — why not yrs? I wish I could fly to you & attend you but one month as a physician — You’l Languish & dye where you are, — (if not by the climate) — most certainly by their Ignorance of yr. Case, & the unskilful Treatment you must be a martyr to in such a place as Bombay. — I’m Languishing here myself with every Aid & help — & tho’ I shall conquer it — yet have had a cruel Struggle — W? my dear friend, I could ease yr?, either by my Advice — my attention — my Labour — my purse — They are all at yr. Service, such as they are — and that you know Eliza — or my friendship for you is not worth a rush.
June 2?
This morning surpriz’d with a Letter from my Lydia — that She and her Mama, are coming to pay me a Visit — but on Condition I promise not to detain them in England beyond next April — when, they purpose, by my Consent, to retire into France, & establish themselves for Life — To all which I have freely given my parole of Honour — & so shall have them with me for the Summer — from Oct? to April — they take Lodgings in York — when they Leave me for good & all I suppose.
Every thing for the best! Eliza. This unexpected visit, is neither a visit of friendship or form — but tis a visit, such as I know you will never make me, — of pure Interest — to pillage what they can from me. In the first place to sell a small estate I have of sixty pds a year — & lay out the purchase money in joint annuitys for them in the french Funds; by this they will obtain 200 pds a year, to be continued to the longer Liver — and as it rids me of all future care — & moreover transfers their Income to the Kingdom where they purpose to live — I’m truely acquiescent — tho’ I lose the Contingency of surviving them — but ’tis no matter — I shall have enough — & a hundred or two hundred Pounds for Eliza when ever She will honour me with putting her hand into my Purse — In the main time, I am not sorry for this Visit, as every Thing will be finally settled between us by it — only as their Annuity will be too strait — I shall engage to remit them a 100 Guineas a year more, during my Wife’s Life — & then, I will think, Eliza, of living for myself & the Being I love as much, But I shall be pillaged in a hundred small Item’s by them — wch I have a Spirit above saying, no — to; as Provisions of all sorts of Linnens — for house use — Body use — printed Linnens for Gowns — Mazareens of Teas — Plate, (all I have (but 6 Silver Spoons) — In short I shall be pluck’d bare — all but of yr. Portrait & Snuff Box & yr other dear Presents — & the neat furniture of my thatch’d Palace — & upon these I set up Stock again, Eliza. What say you, Eliza! shall we join our little capitals together? — will Mr Draper give us leave? — he may safely — if y* Virtue & Honour are only concernd,— ‘twould be safe in Yoricks hands, as in a Brothers — I wd not wish Mr Draper to allow you above half I allow Mrs Sterne — Our Capital would be too great, & tempt us from the Society of poor Cordelia — who begins to wish for you.
By this time, I trust you have doubled the Cape of good hope — & sat down to yr writing Drawer; & look’d in Yoricks face, as you took out yr Journal; to tell him so — I hope he seems to smile as kindly upon you Eliza, as ever — yr Attachment & Love for me, will make him do so to eternity — if ever he shd change his Air, Eliza! — I charge you catechize your own Heart — oh! twil never happen!
June 3d — Cannot write my Travels, or give one half hours close attention to them, upon Thy Acct my dearest friend— ‘Yet write I must, & what to do with You, whilst I write — I declare I know not — I want to have you ever before my Imagination — & cannot keep you out of my heart or head — In short thou enterst my Library Eliza! (as thou one day shalt) without tapping — or sending for — by thy own Right of ever being close to thy Bramine — now I must shut you out sometimes — or meet you Eliza! with an empty purse upon the Beach — pity my entanglements from other passions — my Wife with me every moment of the Summer — think wt restraint upon a Fancy that should Sport & be in all points at its ease — O had I, my dear Bramine this Summer, to soften — & modulate my feelings — to enrich my fancy, & fill my heart brim full with bounty — my Book wd be worth the reading —
It will be by stealth if I am able to go on with my Journal at all — It will have many Interruptions — & Heyho’s! most sentimentally utter’d — Thou must take it as it pleases God. — as thou must take the Writer — eternal Blessings be about You Eliza! I am a little better, & now find I shall be set right in all points — my only anxiety is about You — I want to prescribe for you My Eliza — for I think I understand yr Case better than all the Faculty, adieu — adieu.
June 4.
Hussy! — I have employ’d a full hour upon yr sweet sentimental Picture — and a couple of hours upon yourself — & with as much kind friendship, as the hour You left me — I deny it — Time lessens no Affections wch honour & merit have planted — I wd give more, and hazard more now for your happiness than in any one period, since I first learn’d to esteem you — is it so with thee my friend? has absence weakend my Interest — has time worn out any Impression — or is Yoricks name less Musical in Eliza’s ears? — my heart smites me, for asking the
question — tis Treason agst thee Eliza and Truth — Ye are dear Sisters, and yr. Brother Bramin Can never live to see a Separation amongst Us. — What a similitude in our Trials whilst asunder! — Providence has order’d every Step better, than we could have order’d them, — for the particular good we wish each other — This you will comment upon & find the Sense of without my explanation.
I wish this Summer & Winter wth all I am to go through with in them, in business & Labour & Sorrow, well over — I have much to compose — & much to discompose me — have my Wife’s projects — & my own Views arising out of them, to harmonize and turn to account — I have Millions of heart aches to suffer & reason with — & in all this Storm of Passions, I have but one small Anchor, Eliza! to keep this weak Vessel of mine from perishing — I trust all I have to it — as I trust Heaven, which cannot leave me, without a fault, to perish. — may the same just Heaven my Eliza, be that eternal Canopy vc h shall shelter thy head from evil till we meet — Adieu — adieu — adieu.
June 5.
I sit down to write this day, in good earnest — so read Eliza! quietly besides me — I’ll not give you a Look — except one of kindness — dear Girl! if thou lookest so bewitching once more — I’ll turn thee out of my Study — You may bid me defiance, Eliza. — You cannot conceive how much & how universally I’m pitied, upon the Score of this unexpected Visit from france — my friends think it will kill me — If I find myself in danger I’ll fly to you to Bombay — will M? Draper receive me? — he ought — but he will never know what reasons make it his Interest and Duty — We must leave all all to that Being who is infinitely removed above all Straitness of heart — & is a friend to the friendly, as well as to the friendless.
June 6. — am quite alone in the depth of that sweet Recesse, I have so often described to You — tis sweet in itself — but You never come across me — but the perspective brightens up — & every Tree & Hill & Vale & Ruin abt me — smiles as if you was amidst ‘em — delusive moments! — how pensive a price do I pay for you — fancy sustains the Vision whilst She has strength — but Eliza! Eliza is not with me! — I sit down upon the first Hillock Solitary as a sequester’d Bramin — I wake from my delusion to a thousand Disquietudes, which many talk of — my Eliza! — but few feel — then weary my Spirit with thinking, plotting, & projecting — & when I’ve brought my System to my mind — am only Doubly miserable, That I cannot execute it —
Thus — Thus my dear Bramine are we lost at present in this tempest — Some Haven of rest will open to us assuredly — God made us not for Misery! and Ruin — he has orderd all our Steps — & influenced our Attachments for what is worthy of them — It must end well — Eliza! —
June 7
I have this week finish’d a sweet little apartment which all the time it was doing, I flatter’d the most delicious of Ideas, in thinking I was making it for You — Tis a neat little simple elegant room, overlook’d only by the Sun — just big enough to hold a Sopha; for us — a Table, four Chairs, a Bureau, & a Book case — They are to be all yrs, Room & all — & there Eliza! shall I enter ten times a day to give thee Testimonies of my Devotion — Was’t thou this moment sat down, it wd be the sweetest of earthly Tabernacles — I shall enrich it, from time to time, for thee — till Fate lets me lead thee, by the hand Into it — & then it can want no Ornament. — tis a little oblong room — with a large Sash at the end — a little elegant fireplace — wth as much room to dine around it, as in Bond street — But in sweetness & Simplicity; & silence beyond any thing — oh my Eliza! — I shall see thee surely Goddesse of this Temple, — and the most sovereign one, of all I have — & of all the powers heaven has trusted me with — They were lent me, Eliza! only for thee — & for thee my dear Girl shall be kept & employ’d. — You know what rights You have over me. — wish to heaven I could Convey the Grant more amply than I have done — but tis the same — tis register’d where it will longest last — & that is in the feeling & most sincere of human hearts — You know I mean this reciprocally — & whenever I mention the Word Fidelity & Truth, — in Speaking of yr Reliance on mine — I always Imply the same Reliance upon the same Virtues in my Eliza. — I love thee Eliza! & will love thee for ever — Adieu. —
June 8.
Begin to recover, and sensibly to gain strength every day — and have such an appetite as I have not had for some Years — I prophecy I shall be the better, for the very Accident which has occasiond my Illness — & that the Medicines & Regimen I have submitted to will make a thorough Regeneration of me, and yt I shall have more health and strength, than I have enjoy’d these ten Years — Send me such an Acct of thyself Eliza, by the first sweet Gale — but tis impossible You shd from Bombay — twil be as fatal to You, as it has been to thousands of yr Sex — England & Retirement in it, can only save you — Come! — Come away —
June 9th I keep a post chaise & a couple of fine horses, & take the Air every day in it — I go out — & return to my Cottage Eliza! alone— ’tis melancholly, what shd be matter of enjoyment; & the more so for that reason — I have a thousand things to remark & say as I roll along — but I want you to say them to — I could some times be wise — & often Witty — but I feel it a reproach to be the latter whilst Eliza is so far from hearing me — & what is Wisdome to a foolish weak heart like mine! Tis like the Song of Melody to a broken Spirit — You must teach me fortitude my dear Bramine — for with all the tender qualities wch make you the most precious of Women — & most wanting of all other Women of a kind of protector — yet you have a passive kind of sweet Courage wch bears you up — more than any one Virtue I can summon up in my own Case — We were made with Tempers for each other Eliza! and you are blessd with such a certain turn of Mind & reflection — that if Self love does not blind me — I resemble no Being in the world so nearly as I do you — do you wonder then I have such friendship for you? — for my own part, I shd not be astonished, Eliza, if you was to declare “You was up to the ears in Love with Me.”
June 10th You are stretching over now in the Trade Winds from the Cape to Madrass — (I hope) — but I know it not, some friendly Ship you possibly have met wth, & I never read an Acct of an India Man arrived — but I expect that it is the Messenger of the news my heart is upon the rack for. — I calculate, That you will arrive at Bombay by the beginning of October — by February, I shall surely hear from you thence — but from Madrass sooner. — I expect you Eliza in person, by September — & shall scarse go to London till March — for what have I to do there, when (except printing my Books) I have no Interest or Passion to gratify — I shall return in June to Coxwould — & there wait for the glad Tidings of yr arrival in the Downs — won’t You write to me Eliza? by the first Boat? would not you wish to be greeted by yr. Yorick upon the Beech? — or be met by him to hand you out of yr postchaise, to pay him for the Anguish he underwent, in handing you into it? — I know your answers — my Spirit is with You farewel dear friend —
June 11.
I am every day negociating to sell my little Estate besides me — to send the money into France to purchace peace to myself — & a certainty of never having it interrupted by Mrs Sterne — who when She is sensible I have given her all I can part with — will be at rest herself — Indeed her plan to purchace annuities in france — is a pledge of Security to me — That She will live her days out there — otherwise She could have no end in transporting this two thousand pounds out of England — nor wd I consent but upon that plan — but I may be at rest! — if my imagination will but let me — Hall says tis no matter where she lives; If we are but separate, tis as good as if the Ocean rolled between us — &; so I should argue to another Man — but, tis an Idea wch won’t do so well for me — & tho’ nonsensical enough — Yet I shall be most at rest when there is that Bar between Us — was I never so sure, I shd never be interrupted by her, in England — but I may be at rest I say, on that head — for they have left all their Cloaths & plate and Linnen behind them in france — & have joind in the most earnest Entreat
y, That they may return & fix in france — to wch I have give my word & honour — You will be bound with me Eliza! I hope, for performance of my promise — I never yet broke it, in cases where Interest or pleasure could have tempted me, — and shall hardly do it now, when tempted only by misery. — In Truth Eliza! thou art the Object to wch every act of mine is directed — You interfere in every Project — I rise — I go to sleep with this on my Brain — how will my dear Bramine approve of this? — wch way will it conduce to make her happy? and how will it be a proof of my affection to her? are all the Enquiries I make — yr. Honour, yr. Conduct, yr. Truth & regard for my esteem — I know will equally direct every Step — & movement of yr. Desires — & with that Assurance, is it, my dear Girl, That I sustain Life. — But when will those Sweet eyes of thine, run over these Declarations? — how — & with whom are they to be entrusted; to be conveyed to You? — unless Mrs James’s friendship to us, finds some expedient — I must wait — till the first evening I’m with You — when I shall present You wth them as a better Picture of me, than Cosway could do for You.. — have been dismally ill all day — owing to my course of Médecines wch are too strong & forcing for this gawsy Constitution of mine — I mend with them however — good God! how is it with You? —
Complete Works of Laurence Sterne Page 119
