Tanner jumped up and down. "Can we mommy? Can we? I want to go to the beach. I want to meet my grandfather."
Jess looked concerned, but before she could express it, I said, "I'll give you a call if anything goes wrong. Or I will bring him back to your house and leave him with Reggie." The idea of leaving him ever from now on didn't sit well with me, but I knew I had to take this one step at a time.
She let out a breath. "Okay. You can go to the beach to meet your grandfather with your dad." She squatted down to Tanner's level. "Your dad will have my phone number or Reggie's number, if you need anything."
"Okay." Tanner looked up at me as he took my hand. "I'm ready to go." Clearly, he didn't seem to have any concern about going off with me, but at the same time I knew he was young, and perhaps being away from his mother too long might make him nervous.
Jess drove us all back to her house, and she took the car seat out from her car and put it in the backseat of my SUV. I was thankful I had thought to bring it instead of the convertible.
"You be on your best behavior, okay?" Jess said as she strapped Tanner into the car.
"Okay."
I got into the front seat, all of a sudden, feeling nervous about being with Tanner alone. What if he did get scared? What if I couldn't console him?
We drove from Jess's house out to my dad’s house and I wondered if I should call him to give him a warning beforehand. But in the backseat, Tanner was chatting away, I couldn't very well call my father or be preoccupied by it when I needed to be focused on the road and my son.
"Can we go see your house too," Tanner asked.
"When we’re done at my dad’s house, we can see what time it is and talk to your mom about that."
"I hope she says yes. I like having a daddy."
It was the first time in my life that I felt both like laughing and crying, all from a profound sense of love for this little boy.
We arrived at my dad’s house and I parked in the driveway.
"Your dad has a big house. Does it have a pool too?" Tanner asked as I figured out how to undo the straps of his car seat and get him out of the car.
"He doesn't have a pool but he does have the ocean."
"Sharks live in the ocean."
"They do. You're very smart. But I've never seen any sharks in my dad's part of the ocean."
I put him down and took his hand as I walked him to the house. I had no doubt that my dad and the rest of my family would be both surprised and yet very happy to learn about Tanner. But that didn't mean I still wasn't nervous about it.
We walked through the door and the house was quiet. It was a beautiful day out, so I suspected my father was out on the terrace or out in the water. Tanner and I made our way across the living room toward the doors to the terrace. I looked out and saw my father sitting having lunch.
I opened the door and stepped out with Tanner. "Dad?"
I walked toward my dad, but the closer we got the more Tanner started to retreat from my side to behind me.
My dad turned and smiled when he saw me, and then his brows rose high as he saw who was with me.
He looked from the boy to me. "Who do we have here?"
"This is Tanner." I turned to look behind me where Tanner was peering around my leg at my father. I wasn't quite sure what the right thing to do was. Did I force Tanner to greet my father? Or did I honor the fact that he seemed nervous and give him the time he needed to acclimate?
Tanner looked up at me and then both his hands reached up. I bent over, picking him. He wrapped his arms tight around me. The side of his face pressed to mine as he looked toward my father.
"Tanner, this is my dad. Your grandfather." I looked at my father to see his reaction.
My father's eyes widened in surprise and then a grin spread on his face. He slowly stood and approached us. "Well, how do you do Tanner? I am so, so happy to meet you."
Tanner's arm squeezed me tighter. "This is my daddy."
Tears welled in my father's eyes. "And he's the finest daddy ever."
"He said we could make sand castles."
My dad laughed. "I love making sand castles. And you know what? I think we have all the sand castle building tools we need. In fact, some of them belonged to your daddy."
Tanner brought his head back and looked at me. "You made sand castles when you were little too."
"All the time."
We weren't necessarily dressed to be out on the sand, but I didn't care and Tanner didn't seem to mind. The three of us made our way out with the buckets and shovels and other items used for making sand castles.
For the next hour we dug and built. Before long, Tanner had taken to my father like I knew he would. But with the sun and surf and excitement, I could see Tanner was starting to droop.
"He looks tired,” my father echoed my thoughts.
I nodded, unsure of what to do. Should I take him back to Reggie now? Can I take him to my house?
I realized I didn't have a room for a child. Well, I had a room, I just didn't have one that was set up for a child.
My father laid out one of the towels that the housekeeper had brought out for us. "Why don't you just lay him down here?”
We had the umbrella out there that Jess apparently had insisted dad use when he was out on the beach, so Tanner would be in the shade.
"I still want to make sand castles," Tanner said. But he climbed onto the towel and lay down.
"You rest for a little bit and then will build some more," I said to him, as I ran my hand over his head. I watched as his eyes closed and his breathing got regular and steady. He was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
"I always knew you'd be a good father," my dad said next to me.
I turned to him, emotion again swirling crazily through my chest. "I never imagined it would feel like this."
My father nodded. "It's overwhelming isn’t it? At the same time beyond the most fantastic thing you could ever imagine feeling."
I nodded.
"So, I'm assuming that the trip to Mexico with Jess is what started all this,” my father said.
I nodded. "She had no way of contacting me when she found out she was pregnant." That I believed. It still didn't take away the sting of her not telling me when we were reunited.
"She never mentioned having a child to me. I had no idea,” my father said.
"I'm not sure she was going to tell me dad." I looked over at Tanner, and even in just a few hours that I knew him, the idea that I could've gone my whole life never having met him both burned in my gut and broke my heart.
"It's hard to imagine Jess being like that, but I suppose a mother's instinct sometimes gets the better of them."
I looked at my father. "Why would her mother's instinct tell her that I wouldn't be a good father."
My father shook his head. He put his hand on my back and patted. "I suspect it had less to do with you, and more about her. A mother's worry is a deep, deep chasm. Your mother would've booted me to the curb if I had ever done anything that might have hurt you boys. The minute you all were here, it was clear to me that you were her priority."
"She loved you, dad." I was young when my mother died, but I could remember the way she would smile at him. I remembered them being together and happy. It had been the type of thing I'd been striving to have in my own life, and for time thought I might have with Jess.
"I have no doubt about that, son. My point is that the mother-child bond is very strong. And sometimes maybe it makes them overprotective or over worried. What did she say to you when you found out?"
"She told me about what you are saying. She said she was worried that I would be angry or that I would only be a father out of duty."
I was glad to see my father’s normally amiable expression darkened slightly. "You'd never do that."
"No, I wouldn't. She seemed to think I might." I let out a long sigh. "She's also worried that I would take him away from her."
To that my father nodded in agreement which annoyed
me because I would never do that.
"You definitely have the resources to fight her for custody — "
"I wouldn't do that."
"I know you wouldn't son. But I could see where she would be worried about that. You've been a father for a couple of hours; wouldn't you do anything to keep him with you?"
I had to admit that he was right. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't concerned that Jess might do things to keep him from me, despite what she said.
"What does this mean for you and Jess? Before it sounded like you loved her, but now you don't seem so sure."
I looked over at the boy sleeping soundly next to me. Then I looked out over the water.
"There's no doubt that I love her dad, but I'm finding it hard to forgive her for not telling me about Tanner sooner. I don't mean over the four years but since she'd come to work for you and we had seen each other again. Remember I talked about her being resistant and I think he's why. I don't think she wanted me to know about him and I don't know how to get past that."
My father nodded in understanding. “Well, the good thing is you have time. Maybe with time you will be able to forgive her, or maybe you won't. But you will still have to learn to be civil to each other for the sake of this little boy.”
I nodded. "Yes, of course."
When we were done at the beach, I hadn’t heard from Jess so I decided that Tanner and I would stop at a toy store and then I’d take him to my house. I’d let him pick any of the rooms.
Once I got him home, he went running through the house excited every inch of it. I remembered feeling that same way the first time I walked in the house, and before I walked out again, I'd made an offer to buy it.
He chose a room that had a window seat and looked out over the backyard and the pool. I made sure that there was nothing in the room that might hurt him and then brought up all his toys which we unpacked and played with.
"Daddy. I'm hungry,” he said as he stacked more blocks preciously tall.
I realized it was about dinnertime. "What do you want to eat? Do you like pizza? I can order pizza."
"I like pizza but just with cheese."
I decided to go ahead and text Jess to tell her that I brought Tanner to my house, and we were getting ready to order pizza. He seemed to be doing fine so I let her know that as well.
She texted back to let her know if she needed to come and pick him up.
"Is my mommy going to come and have dinner with us too?" Tanner asked. "She always likes to have dinner with me."
It occurred to me that perhaps that was why she was always in a rush to leave around dinnertime when she worked with my dad. And of course, Tanner explained why she said she couldn't live-in when I tried to hire her. It was so strange to admire her dedication to raising him, while at the same being pissed that she hadn’t told me about him.
I might not be able to completely forgive that, but I could make sure that we were friendly for Tanner’s sake. I texted Jess.
Why don't you come have pizza with us?
30
Jess
I did my best to be focused and attentive on Mr. Schmidt, an 80-year-old man with a fractured upper femur. Lucky for him, his surgery had gone well, and he was on the slow path to recovery.
But as I worked with him, my thoughts kept going back to Tanner and Carter. I couldn't help having concern that Tanner might become afraid or miss me since he didn’t know Carter well. I completely trusted Carter and after seeing them together in the park, I knew the two of them were going to have a fabulous father-son relationship. But Tanner was only three, and didn't know Carter. Plus, Carter was taking him out to meet his father, another new person in a new place. Tanner was generally an adaptable child, but he could get agitated and he wasn't immune to throwing tantrums or having crying jags, especially if he was tired or afraid.
When I finished my session with Mr. Schmidt, I checked my phone but didn't see any messages or voicemails from Carter. I decided that was a good sign. The next thing I had to do was resist texting or calling him to check on Tanner. It was a battle because it went against my motherly instinct; the need to know how Tanner was doing.
But I also knew that Carter resented when I made suggestions that he wouldn’t be a good father or was lacking in character. I trusted Carter and I knew Alex well enough to know he would recognize if Tanner needed me. The man had single-handedly raised four boys, so I was sure he knew a thing or two about children.
After my session I returned back to the house. When I entered, Reggie was in her corner typing away on her laptop.
She stopped and turned to me. "You're childless. Does that mean father and son are off for an afternoon?"
"I got a call for a new client, and Carter said he would take care of Tanner."
Reggie swirled her chair around in my direction fully engaging in our conversation. "You sound a little nervous about that."
I shrugged. "I trust that Carter can take care of Tanner, but he's a stranger to Tanner. What if Tanner misses me? Or what if he starts to act out?"
"How long has Carter had him?"
I looked down at my watch. "Couple hours."
Reggie stared at me for a moment. "Has there been any text or calls about problems?"
I shook my head.
"I wonder if that's a problem too?"
"What do you mean?" I sank on to the couch to relax for a moment and decide my next step.
"I mean Carter has had Tanner for a couple hours and there's no word. That suggests Tanner doesn't miss you. That could be hard too." Then she waved her hand. "I'm not saying that Tanner doesn't love you anymore, or wouldn't miss you. I'm just saying that maybe he's having a good time and that's hard for you."
I hadn't thought about it like that. But now that she mentioned it, there was a part of me that did feel a little betrayed at how quickly Tanner attached to Carter. It was silly, I knew, but sometimes emotions went to places our minds knew were unreasonable.
"I guess I'll just wait until he texts or calls me. I don't want Carter to think that I don't trust him, and I do want them to have a relationship."
"You're a great mom, Jess. I suspect that's the hardest part of parenting; the times in which you have to stand back and let your child do his own thing."
She wasn't kidding.
"Where does this leave you and Carter?" she asked.
I wondered if it was too early in the day to have a glass of wine. "Well, as best as I can tell, we’re going to get along so we can co-parent Tanner. I really hurt him, Reggie."
Reggie's expression was sympathetic, which was the opposite to what she said. "You knew that would happen when you didn't tell him for so long."
I nodded. "I know. It wasn't just that I didn't tell him sooner, it was the reasons I gave that made him sound like a terrible person that hurt him too. I realize now that mostly they were just rationalizations that were selfish."
"Give it time. He’s mad now, but maybe when he cools down, you guys will still have a chance."
"That would be nice, but I’m not going to hold my breath." I scraped my hands over my face. "I was so stupid to totally ruin the one thing I really wanted."
"Your intentions were good. If it weren't for Tanner, you and Carter would be riding off into the sunset as we speak. But you’re a mother and mothers have to put their kids first, which is what you did." Regina came over to sit on the couch. "It might take him a while, but as Carter experiences fatherhood, he’ll recognize that."
I hoped she was right, but I wasn't sure that Carter would ever be able to forgive me.
I spent the rest of the day dealing with laundry and other household chores, and even decided to take a nap, which felt like such a luxury. I couldn't remember the last time I had a nap.
But as the day moved into early evening, I began to get antsy. What were they doing? How was Tanner coping? If he hadn't had a nap, he'd be completely bonkers by now.
My fingers hovered over the text buttons on my phone as I grappled
with whether or not I should check on them. I typed out a message, but before I could hit send my phone pinged and I saw a message from Carter.
I brought Tanner to my place. We’re going to order pizza.
I would admit, if only to myself, that I felt left out. But this was how life was going to be now. Me sharing Tanner. I texted back;
When you’re done, I can come pick him up.
The phone stayed quiet for a moment and then a new text came in:
Why don't you come have pizza with us?
The heart was a silly thing. His invitation to have pizza with them had my heart filling with hope that maybe if we ate as a family, Carter would find his way to forgive me.
Fortunately, my brain was still on the side of reason, knowing that he was probably just being nice. Or maybe he was expecting that when dinner was done that I would bring Tanner home. Whatever the reason, it was important that I didn't let my heart have hope.
I parked in the drive at Carter's house and made my way up the porch to the front door. I knocked on the door, and inside I heard Tanner squeal and start charging toward the door. At least he was excited to see me, I thought.
"Open the door, Daddy. It’s mommy."
I looked a little side window and could see Tanner jumping up and down as Carter made his way to the door. I rapped on the window and Tanner looked, then ran to the window, pressing his little face against it. "You're here, mommy."
Carter opened the door, and it was barely opened a foot when Tanner charged out and launched himself in my arms. I picked him up and held him close. I had spent time away from Tanner before because of my work, but this reunion felt different. It was a reminder about my fear of losing him to Carter.
"You have to come see my room, mommy. Come on." He squirmed out of my arms, took my hand, and dragged me into the house.
Carter took an exaggerated step out of the way and drew his arm out to the side toward the stairs as if he were a butler letting us in.
I let Tanner drag me up the stairs. I looked over my shoulder to see what Carter was doing. He was still standing in the foyer, watching us as we went up the stairs. I guess he was giving us a moment alone. Was that good or was it bad? I shook my head wondering if I would ever stop questioning every little thing.
Wrong to Love You: Strong Brothers Book 3 Page 16
