As we reached the top of the stairs, I realized I hadn't been in this part of Carter's house before. Like the downstairs was gorgeous. It retained all the elements of the original house, and at the same time was clearly a place for Carter, with décor from his travels.
"Down here, mommy. I'm down here."
Tanner led me to a room towards the back, and I wondered where the master bedroom was. If Tanner ever spent the night, I wanted to be sure that Carter would be able to hear him if there was a problem.
"Here it is, mommy. And look, we got some toys." He ran over to a stack of blocks that had been dumped out. There were also several toy trucks and cars. The room held two twin beds and was decorated in blue hues. There was also a window seat that I walked over and took a seat on. I looked out the window, seeing a pool in the backyard. The room wasn't necessarily decorated for a child, but as I looked around there didn't seem to be any dangerous items around. I wondered if Carter had childproofed the room, or if it had already been set up like that.
"Come see my blocks, mommy," Tanner said as he dropped to his knees and began stacking the colorful wooden blocks. I got up from the window seat and went to sit with him, and stacked a few blocks.
"What did you do today?" I asked as Tanner grabbed one of the cars and rammed it into a stack of blocks, knocking them over.
"We went to the beach and I met my grandpa. He was really nice. He let me play with the bucket and shovel that used to be daddy’s when he was little. And he let me nap on the beach."
"There was an umbrella there," Carter's voice came from the doorway.
I looked up at him and smiled. "I'm glad your father finally accepted the need for an umbrella."
Carter's expression had been tense but relaxed. Maybe he'd been worried that I was going to grill Tanner about his day with his father. But that wasn't my intention at all.
"And then we went to the toy store and I got these toys and then we came here. And daddy let me pick my room and I picked this one. What do you think, mommy?"
"I think this may be the best room in the whole house," I said, leaning over and running my hand through his blonde locks.
"Pizza is here if you two are ready to eat," Carter said.
Tanner jumped up. "I want pizza." He went running out of the room. I had a moment to panic as I imagined him going full force, head over heels, down the stairs.
Carter's hand whipped out, wrapping around Tanner's middle and pulling him up. "Not so fast, little guy. Remember what I said about the stairs."
I let out a sigh of relief, but tried to hide it from Carter in case he worried that I had been concerned about his ability to keep Tanner safe.
He hoisted Tanner over his shoulders and looked back at me. "Are you coming?"
"Yes, I'm right behind you."
We made our way down the hall.
“I remember when I was a kid, there was a movie-short related to The Incredibles about the babysitter and her having to put out all these fires the baby was setting with its superpower."
I laughed remembering that movie too.
"I felt like that a few times today as I chased after him to avoid a metaphorical fire or some other disaster." I was surprised that Carter admitted that to me, but then again that was how Carter was. Generally speaking, he wasn't a person to hide his thoughts or feelings.
"You get used to it," I said.
"I guess I'm going to have to," he said as he brought Tanner down and set him on the ground once we reached the bottom of the stairs. "I really like being a dad."
A rush of emotion came through me and I had the urge to wrap my arms around him because his words made me so happy.
"I like having a daddy," Tanner said, looking up at Carter with such awe and joy in his face. The next well of emotion was guilt that I had denied them both this for so long.
Carter led us to the kitchen where he had the pizza set out along with some plates and forks. He had a glass of milk for Tanner, but it was in a glass cup. I wished I’d thought to have brought plastic cups.
"Tanner, baby. Don't bite your glass okay?" I said.
Carter looked at me quizzically.
"He normally drinks out of a plastic cup. I should've sent one with you. I'm sorry."
Carter thought about that for a moment and then went to his cupboard and pulled out a sports water bottle. "Will this work?"
"That would make me feel more comfortable," I admitted.
Carter switched out the glass with a water bottle and we all sat down to dinner.
One of the good things about Tanner was that he liked to talk. So, there was no awkwardness between Carter and me as Tanner prattled on and on about spending the day with his dad.
After dinner we were all back upstairs playing with Tanner's new toys. But it wasn't long that I saw the telltale signs that Tanner was getting tired and he needed to go to bed.
"I should probably get him home. It's almost past his bedtime," I said, hoping that Carter wouldn't get upset.
"Let him stay here tonight."
I hesitated and I knew that it bothered Carter. My hesitation wasn't because I didn't think Carter could take care of Tanner, but more of the concern about Tanner getting confused if he woke up in the middle of the night and I wasn't there.
"Can I mommy? Can I sleep here?" Tanner ran over to one of the twin beds and climbed up on it.
I looked down because I didn't want to see Carter's annoyance of me. "I just worry if he gets up in the middle of the night and is disoriented. He might wonder where I am or accidentally fall down the stairs."
"Why don’t you stay here with him?"
I looked up at Carter, while at the same time telling my heart that he wasn’t asking me to stay with him.
He nodded to the other bed. "You can stay in here with him and that way if he gets up and is looking for you, you’ll be here."
That made sense, but it felt weird. "You don't have to go to work tomorrow? Because I do."
"Leave him with me again. I'd like to take him to work. He's got a lot more family left to meet."
I shook my head because Carter didn't know what having a three-year-old all day was like. "If he's with you, you're not going to be able to get any work done."
"I won't get any work done anyway because I'm still in a daze about being a father. Let me do this. Please." He took a breath. "Once we put him down here, it will give me a chance to say what I'd gone over to your place this morning to say to you."
I couldn't imagine what that was.
"Plus, we need to set out some initial parameters about when he can be with me because I do plan to be an integral part of his life, Jess. I don't want to be an ass—" He caught himself. "I don’t want to be a jerk about this and fight you. I want us to be able to figure this out amicably."
I nodded, acknowledging that he was right. "Yes, okay. I actually have an extra set of clothes for him in the car because you never know when he's going to make a mess." Of course, I didn't have a change of clothes for me, but that wasn't as important.
As we got Tanner ready for bed, I realized that this was going to be my new normal. I didn't have everything that I wanted, but I had given Tanner everything that he needed. He had his father.
31
Carter
Being a father was a lot of work, but it was fucking awesome. Everything about today was perfection, except for the fact that the woman I loved had lied to me. And it wasn't just that she lied, but the reasons that she lied suggested that she questioned my moral character. If she did that, she couldn't possibly love me too. She couldn't even respect me. But if we were going to be the best parents for Tanner, I would have to put my resentment aside and get along with her.
As it turned out that wasn't very hard. When Jess arrived that evening, Tanner was very excited to see her, and watching them together warmed my heart. There was nothing like seeing sheer joy on the face of my child.
As we ate dinner together, we didn't speak much as Tanner had complete control
of the conversation, but I couldn't help but feel how right it was for us to be a family in my house. This is how it could've been had she been honest with me. This is how it should've been.
When I would think that, I would be reminded of my resentment. But the rest of the time, all I could think about is everything I wanted was right here. In as much as I wanted to reach for that, I was too afraid to trust her. She'd already proven the lengths that she would go to to keep my child from me, so I couldn’t be sure what else she might be capable of doing.
So the entire night, my heart was in a tug-of-war between wanting her and warning myself away from her.
That night playing together with Tanner, that tug-of-war continued and when Jess said she needed to get him home, I could hear hesitation in her voice, as if she knew I wouldn't want to let him go. I appreciated her recognizing that, but I had already decided that I wanted him to say. I wanted him to stay forever but knew that wasn't going to happen. At least not unless I could find my way to forgive Jess, assuming she'd want us to be a family.
After suggesting letting Tanner stay, I could see in her eyes that her initial response was going to be no, but thankfully I talked her into staying.
I wasn't sure how it was going to be knowing that she was just a few rooms away from me in this house, but I was going to make it work no matter what. Who knew, maybe I'd move her into the house into one of the extra rooms, and we could be sort of a family even if she and I weren’t a couple. It would be an odd situation, but we had to think about what was best for Tanner.
Once we got Tanner to bed and read him a bedtime story that I'd bought for him at the toy store, Jess and I headed downstairs. I poured her a glass of wine and myself a couple fingers of scotch with a little water. I was still feeling the effects of last night and decided that perhaps a little hair of the dog might help me.
As I handed her the glass, she seemed unsettled or uncomfortable.
"Why don’t you take a seat?" I said.
She smiled but I could see it was forced. She went over to the leather couch and sat. Not wanting to crowd her, I sat in a chair across from the couch with a coffee table between us. It occurred to me that I had sometimes had fantasies of having her on that couch. I wondered if now that I knew the truth of her, if the wet dreams of her would stop.
"This day has turned out to be nothing like I imagined," I said. I had meant it to be light, but Jess looked down as if she felt shame.
I wasn’t going to go out of my way to make her feel bad, but there was a part of me that was pleased that she recognized how heinous her actions had been.
"The reason I had gone over to your place this morning was to apologize for last night," I said, thinking like last night was a million miles away. "I was rude and I embarrassed you, and I'm sorry. I hope that Kevin won't hold that against you."
"It doesn't matter if he does or doesn’t. Like I said before, it was just a friendly dinner." She took a sip of her wine. "Although he might resent me because Hunter said he couldn't ever eat there again."
My lips twitched upward a little bit loving how my brother had my back. "He has a list like that, you know. Have you ever heard of Jason Tollison? He's constantly getting booted out of there for a month or so."
We both laughed softly at that, I suppose needing the levity.
"But if you want, I'll talk to Hunter."
"He won't let me there again either,” she said.
"I'll definitely talk to him about that."
She shook her head. "It's all right. Cesare’s really isn't in my budget anyway."
I nearly pointed out to her that it would've been had she realized sooner how much I wanted to give her, but I suspect she knew that already, so I'd only be an asshole by bringing it up.
"I've never seen you drunk like that before..." She didn't finish her sentence, but I got the feeling she was fishing around to find out if I had a drinking problem.
"The only other time I've been like that was the first night off the ship after we parted."
Her gaze jerked up to mine. I saw disbelief and then grief in her eyes. "Was it because of me?"
I shrugged. "The easy answer is yes. But I'm pretty sure my grandmother would smack me alongside the head and point out that I chose to drink. I chose to drink because I was feeling bad and trying to make it stop. It won't happen again. I promise you that, Jess. I'm going to be a good father."
She smiled at me. "I know you are."
There was an awkward silence, and so I decided to forge forward with the rest of the things that needed to be said. "Because I want to be a good father. I want to see as much of him as I can. I know I have to share, but I want my fair share too. None of that every-other-weekend bullshit."
I watched her to see her reaction. Was she going to fight me on this?
"I want to do whatever's going to be best for Tanner, and so I have no reason to fight with you about sharing custody. But I'm going to be honest Carter, and tell you that it is hard for me. I've had him to myself for three years. Don't get me wrong, I want you in his life. I am so happy to see you and him together because I know he deserves that."
I noted she thought Tanner deserved to have his father, but not that I deserve to have Tanner. Perhaps it was just semantics, but it still bothered me.
"I understand. As long as you understand that I've missed three years and I don't know how I'm going to make that up to him or even to myself. But I know he needs his mother." I looked down as grief came quickly at the memory of losing my own mother. I took a gulp of my drink to hide it from Jess. Hiding was new to me, but I needed to guard myself from her.
"How do you see this playing out?” she asked.
"To be honest, I'm not quite sure. Every other day seems like it would be chaotic for him. Every other week might be too. I don't know how to do this."
"Maybe for the next few days we take this day by day and then once he's completely settled in with all this, we can look at drafting something a little bit more official."
"I want him to have my name, Jess."
She looked at me with round eyes, as if it never occurred to her.
"I'm not trying to make some sort of statement that takes him away. If you want to hyphenate the name, I'm okay with that. But he's my son. I want him to have my name." I hated how much emotion was coming through in my tone so I drank the rest of my drink. I considered getting more, but this is what had led to problems last night, and I promised her I wouldn't become a lush.
"Yes, of course." She looked up at me, her eyes so sad. "He does have part of your name already. Carter is his middle name."
Another well of emotion filled my chest. At least she’d thought of me. "Thank you for that.”
"I know what you think of me now Carter and I understand it. But you need to know that the week in Mexico meant everything to me. When I walked off that ship I was grieving because I was in love with you and couldn't tell you. But then I had this beautiful little boy to remind me of how magical that time had been."
I sucked in a deep breath to keep from letting my emotion pull me to her. Because I did want to go to her. I wanted to sit with her on the couch and pull her into my arms. I wanted to make all those promises to her that I'd been trying to tell her about before this exploded in our faces.
With my drink finished and my commitment to not have more, I stood to pace out the unsettling energy flowing through my body.
She rose from the couch. "Where should I put my wine glass?" she asked.
"Just leave it there on the coffee table. I'll deal with it later."
She set the glass down and walked over, blocking me in mid-pace. "I know you probably don't believe me or maybe it's too little too late, but I am really sorry that I hurt you, Carter. I made all the wrong choices, and I really regret that."
I gave her a curt nod because I appreciated the effort, even though she was right that it was a little too late. But as she moved to step around me, my hand reached out on its own accord settling over her
belly.
She turned, looking up at me, putting our faces mere inches apart. My mouth thirsted to taste her. My hands itched to touch her. My heart yearned to love her.
Words scrambled in my brain. I love you. How could you? Be with me. Why?
She pressed her hand to my cheek. “I regret losing you most of all.” With that, she extricated herself from my arm, and headed up stairs.
I stood in the middle of the room feeling so fucking lost.
Jess was right in that there was no way to work with a three old around, but I didn’t care. The numbers could wait. Instead, I watched in amusement as Tanner ran around my office checking out every little detail. I wondered if someday he’d be here taking my spot as part of the company.
“So, when were you going to introduce me to my great-grandson?” Gran’s voice came from the doorway.
I looked up at her with the silliest grin I’m sure.
Tanner stopped short and rushed over to me.
“Tanner, remember your grandfather yesterday?”
“Um hum,” he said, snuggling as close to me as he could get, as he watched Gran enter the room.
“Well this is his mommy. Your great grandmother. We all call her Gran,” I looked up to her wondering what Tanner should call her? Great-Gran? “Gran, this is Tanner.”
She pulled a chair over to my side of the desk and sat. “Well, aren’t you a handsome boy. A Strong for sure.”
“My daddy is strong.”
She laughed. “Yes, he is.”
“Oh my God, it’s true,” Andi said as she strode into my office. She looked at Tanner. “He’s a mini-Carter, isn’t he?”
Tanner reached his hands up to me and lifted him to sit on my lap. “Tanner, this is Andi. She works for Gran.”
“I’m the one that keeps this place going,” she said cheekily. She looked at me. “Fatherhood looks good on you, Carter. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you this happy.”
Wrong to Love You: Strong Brothers Book 3 Page 17
