I was happy. But was I as happy as I could be? I had a piece of my dream, but not the whole thing.
Andi looked at Gran who nodded. I suspected they had telepathy.
“Tanner, do you like hot chocolate and cookies?”
“Yeah. And ice cream.”
“How about I show you where we can get you all that. We have it here in the building.” Andi held out her hand.
Tanner looked up at me, and I could see he wanted to go, but wasn’t sure about Andi.
“She’ll be a good friend to have here,” I said to him. “If you want some hot chocolate and cookies, you can go with her.”
He hesitated for a moment and then slipped from my lap. “Will you bring me back to my daddy?”
“Yes, of course,” Andi said. “Here, you carry this. It’s my phone. See this button with your daddy’s picture? You push that, and you can call him anytime.”
Tanner took the phone in his free hand studying it. He turned back to look at me.
“I’ll be right here.” I lifted my phone. “Call if you need me.”
I guess that’s the reassurance he needed as he left the office with Andi.
But that left me with Gran and I knew she was going to want to talk about my private life.
“You have everything you want now,” she said.
I didn’t respond.
“Or not. Your father says that you can’t forgive Jess.”
“She wasn’t going to tell me, Gran. She didn’t trust me. Or she was selfish. Either way, how can I let her in my life?”
My grandmother sat tall looking regal as usual. “She’ll be in your life no matter what.”
“You know what I mean. How can I love her?”
“You already love her, don’t you? The question is, can you put down your guard and love her openly.”
I nodded. That was it exactly. “I don’t know that she loves me so maybe it doesn’t matter.” She’d said she’d been in love with me after the cruise, but that was four years ago. She’d said she’d wanted what I was offering her, but was afraid.
“I didn’t like your plan to trick her, but one thing I’ve always admired about you Carter was how you always were open about your feelings and were willing to do whatever it takes to achieve your goal.”
“And you were right that it blew up in my face. I now understand why Hunter was so guarded. It hurts to have your heart torn into shreds.”
“Is it in shreds? When I walked in here, the love I saw for that boy could fill a tanker.”
“I love him with all my heart, Gran,” I conceded. “But Jess, that’s a different story.”
“We all make mistakes, some bigger than others. What you have to decide is if you can see things from her side and forgive the choices, assuming she’s sorry for what she did.”
I nodded. “She says she is.”
“And then you have to decide if you want what you wanted when you pretended to break your leg.” Gran stood. “Your dream is within reach, Carter. Are you going to reach for it?”
“What if she lies to me again?”
Gran studied me. “What if she doesn’t? What if she meets someone else and builds your dream with him?”
Rage bloomed in my chest at that idea.
My expression must have revealed my feelings as Gran smirked at me. “I thought so.”
32
Jess
It was surreal to wake up in the twin bed in Tanner's room at Carter's house. On the one hand there was a time that I longed to be in this house with Carter and Tanner. What I hadn't anticipated was that I'd be a guest. That Tanner would be a part of Carter's family, but not me.
Of course, it was my own fault. So, I had to be grateful that Carter was being civil, and willing for us to work together to provide what was best for Tanner.
I lay in the twin bed long after Tanner had fallen asleep wondering if there would be a possibility of my changing Carter's mind about me. We had at least another fifteen years of co-parenting together, and maybe in that time I'd be able to prove to him that my love for him was real. And maybe then he'd forgive me. Maybe the dream wasn't completely dead.
The next morning, I got Tanner up and dressed, and was able to find cereal in Carter's kitchen. Carter came down a few minutes after I put the cereal in front of Tanner, and with a good morning kiss to his son, he asked me if I wanted coffee. It wasn't a good morning kiss, but the morning was never complete without coffee anyway.
After breakfast, I helped to get Tanner into Carter's vehicle, and gave him a kiss, reminding him to be on his best behavior while he was at his daddy's work. Tanner was his usual exuberant self, chatting away.
Once they left, I got my car and drove home, showering and then getting ready for my day. When I worked with Alex Strong, he had asked for intensive therapy. He’d wanted me to live-in but with Tanner that wasn’t possible. But I had worked with him exclusively, so he’d been my only client. Now that my work with him was done, except for an occasional visit, I was ready to take on more clients.
The physical therapy clinic that I worked for had assigned me Mr. Schmidt and I hoped that they would assign me more clients shortly. In the meantime, I would go out and check on Alex, although the thought of seeing him after everything that happened, made me nervous. Alex was a good and kind man, but he was also loyal to his sons.
I used the drive to practice my calming breath, but the closer I got to Alex's home, the more nervous I got. I parked the car in his driveway and walked up to the front door, giving it a knock.
The housekeeper opened and smiled, letting me in and telling me that Alex was already out on the terrace. Her demeanor suggested that perhaps she didn't know about all the drama between me and Carter.
I made my way across the living room and out the doors to the terrace where Alex was sitting and drinking a cup of coffee as he read his paper.
He turned when he saw me. "Jess, you're right on time."
I took it as a good sign that he seemed jovial. My intentions had been to play it cool, and follow his lead, but all of a sudden, my guilt and shame overcame that plan. I rushed over to him sitting down beside him at the table and reaching out to cover his hand with mine. "I'm so sorry, Alex."
He arched a brow. "I hope you're talking in reference to Carter, and not that there's something wrong with my recovery."
Damn. Why was I getting this so wrong? "Yes, I'm talking about Carter. And you." I looked down as my shame swamped me. "Once I knew that Carter was your son, I of course knew that Tanner was your grandson."
I expected him to pull his hand away, and perhaps scold me for being so selfish.
Instead, he put his other hand over mine. "Am I unhappy that you've broken my son's heart and kept me from my grandson? I'd be a liar to say no. But I feel like I know you well enough, Jess, to know that you didn't set out to hurt any of us."
I lifted my gaze to his, his face blurred because my eyes were filling with tears. "My reasonings made so much sense at the time, but now looking back, I don't know who that person was. You're a wonderful man and so is Carter, and Tanner is so lucky to have you two in his lives. He told me all about playing in the sand with you."
"Tanner is a wonderful little boy. You've done a good job with him as a single mom, Jess, but you're not alone anymore. Tanner is a Strong, and so he has a family beyond you now."
Part of me inside was cold because I wasn't included in that. I started to pull my hand away, but Alex held onto it. "And by extension, you’re family too."
I shook my head. "I feel like I forfeited that right."
He patted my hand and then drew his hands away, reaching for the coffee carafe and pouring coffee into an extra cup on the table as if he'd been expecting me. Of course, he had because we had an appointment, but we'd never started our sessions with breakfast.
"I have to be honest, Jess, that I'm not sure why you would turn down a man like Carter. He believes that you were intending to keep Tanner from him, and that's why you kept
pushing him away. I find that hard to believe, and yet, at the same time, I'm unable to come up with another explanation. And that is troublesome, because my son loves you."
I shook my head. "Not anymore he doesn't. "
"But that's the tragedy because he does. But he's afraid now. Perhaps the same sort of afraid you were when you kept pushing him away."
"I knew I had to tell him about Tanner, but I was afraid. My reasoning isn’t very good but it is what it is. The day he found out about Tanner, I was actually getting ready to take Tanner over to his house to tell him. I don't know that Carter believes that, but it's the truth."
Alex sat back and studied me. "I hear your remorse, Jess, and I'm glad for it. It tells me that you are the good person that I thought you were. But what I haven't heard is how you feel about my son."
I looked out over the ocean because sharing my feelings about Carter seemed like something I should be telling Carter.
"No one can make you love Carter, but if that's the case, you need to come right out and say it."
I turned to Alex. "I can't tell Carter that I don't love him."
A slow smile spread on Alex's face. "Well then, perhaps you should tell him what you can."
I assessed Alex to make sure that he was still progressing along well and hadn't lost any of his strength or mobility. We did a yoga session, and then I packed up my things and left. The whole time, the conversation we had over coffee replayed in my head, and I realize that he was right. It was possible that it wouldn't matter if I told Carter how I felt, just as it hadn't mattered last night when I had told him that I had regretted what I’d done and how I'd hurt not just him, but our future. But I never told him I loved him. At least not now. It was likely he wouldn't accept it, but more and more, it felt like something I had to tell him.
I made a stop to check on Mr. Schmidt, and then I went into the PT clinic to check to meet with my boss, and by the time I was done, it was midafternoon. I was wondering how Tanner was doing, but I hadn’t heard anything from Carter, so I had to assume things were going all right.
I went back to the house, and Regina wasn't there. For the first time in a long time, I was alone. It wasn’t just that physically no one was around, but deep in my soul I felt alone. It was silly because I knew I still had Tanner, and Alex had told me that the family would be there for me if only because I was Tanner's mother. Maybe alone wasn't the right word. I was detached. Disconnected.
I did quick research online about how to change Tanner’s name from mine to Strong. Tanner Strong. I understood Carter’s need to have his name attached to Tanner’s, but to me, it felt like another piece of Tanner I was losing.
I lay down deciding to take a nap. I remembered when Tanner was a baby, and some of the best parenting advice I received was to sleep when the baby slept. So now I would sleep while my baby was with his father.
I woke up to my phone pinging. I reached over checking it. The first thing I noticed was the time. It was after five. I slept for a long time. The next thing I noted was the text was from Carter.
We’re making dinner if you'd like to come over.
This time I was able to guard my heart from feeling hopeful at being invited to dinner again. I texted back:
I'll be there in 30.
I cleaned up a little bit and packed another bag for Tanner on the off chance he ended up staying the night again. I missed him so much, and I wanted to bring him home, but at the same time I felt like the least I could do was give Carter as much time as possible during these first days of father and son meeting each other.
Thirty minutes later I was parking in Carter's driveway and walking up his front porch. Like the night before when I knocked on the door, Tanner squealed with delight and ran to open the door for me. He was wearing an apron that had to be folded and rolled all sorts of crazy ways to fit on him.
He grabbed my hand. "Come on mommy, I'm cooking."
I laughed as he tugged me toward the kitchen. He ran in and jumped up on a chair next to the counter where Carter, also in an apron, was putting vegetables in a bowl. He handed tongs to Tanner, who did his best to mix up the salad.
I stood in the kitchen doorway watching them for a moment. The scene was so sweet, so beautiful, tears came to my eyes. Embarrassed, I walked away and headed back to the foyer, sitting on the stairs. My heart felt so broken and I wondered if I would ever feel whole again.
"What's wrong?" Carter asked.
I looked up at him surprised as I hadn't heard him approach. I looked around for Tanner.
"He's using the john. He insists he's a big boy and can do it by himself." He had a smile on his face that told me he knew that Tanner often struggled to keep things in the bowl, but he didn't seem to mind. I liked that he was willing to let Tanner do his best and have some independence.
"Why are you out here crying?" he asked again.
I wiped my tears. Initially I scanned my brain for some good excuse, like it was a long day, or it just made me so happy to see Carter and Tanner and they were tears of joy.
But I remembered my commitment to tell him the truth. I inhaled and then exhaled breath to gather my courage. "I'm crying because I love you."
I couldn't read his expression as he looked down on me. A door opened and shut and Tanner came running. "What are you doing daddy? We have to finish dinner for mommy."
Because I couldn't bear to have Carter tell me that it was too late, I stood. "I'm going to use the little girl's room." I hurried back to the restroom. I cleaned up the little bit of the mess that Tanner had made, and then simply stared at myself in the mirror. After splashing water on my face and plastering on a smile. I headed back to the kitchen where Carter and Tanner had prepared a meal of pasta and salad. I made a big deal about it as I sat down.
As usual, Tanner chatted away about his day and meeting his great grandma and having hot chocolate with Andi.
The only thing Carter said to me was asking if Tanner could spend the night again.
I nodded, and it seemed to me that Tanner would probably be all right staying here by himself, but then Carter said, "You can stay with him again. It's important that he feels safe here."
I nodded, unable to respond.
After dinner we played with Tanner and then put him to bed. Afterwards, Carter said he had some work he needed to do in the office, but that I was welcome to the house if I wanted to get a book from his library, or just explore.
I thanked him and made my way down and out to the back deck, sitting in a lounge chair in the dark. The air was clean and cool, and I used it to try and organize my thoughts and settle my nerves.
Later I went back into the house, to get ready for bed, which only amounted to combing my hair and brushing my teeth as I hadn't planned to stay the night again. But this time on the twin bed, I found a large T-shirt that had a faded picture of a turtle and the word Mexico across it that I recognized from our trip four years ago. There was also a pair of shorts with a tie at the waist. It wasn't lingerie, but it would work for pajamas.
I put them on, and then climbed into bed, rolling onto my side to look over at Tanner who was sleeping soundly in the other bed.
I was nearly asleep when I heard my name being called.
"Jess."
I opened my eyes, but Tanner was still sleeping in his bed.
"Jess, are you awake?"
I rolled over and saw Carter squatting down by the bed.
"Is there something wrong?" I asked, wondering if I was having a weird dream.
"Yes."
"What?" Now I knew I was awake. I looked over at Tanner again prepared to get him up and out of the house if something was wrong.
"Can you come with me?"
I pulled the covers off and stepped and got out of bed. "What's going on?"
He didn't say anything, and instead motioned me out of Tanner's bedroom. He led me up the hall to a space that was some sort of sitting room. It had two walls full bookshelves and a comfortable chair with a large wind
ow looking out over the yard.
"You're making me nervous, Carter." I admitted as we stood in the middle of the dark room with only the moonlight shining on us.
"I'm nervous too," he said.
“Why? What's going on?"
His eyes were intense as they stared at me. "Because I love you too."
33
Carter
I felt like I’d waited forever to hear Jess say those three little words…I love you. When I heard them, I almost thought I had to have heard wrong. Then I had to wonder why she’d be crying over it. Why did being in love with me make her sad?
I ruminated over it all evening but by the time I’d finished in my office and gone to bed, I hadn’t figured out what the hell she was thinking.
Finally, unable to sleep or take it anymore, I’d made my way to Tanner’s room and woke her. I had to know what she meant and why it upset her so much.
But as I stood in the upstairs sitting room, staring down at her looking so vulnerable yet sexy in my t-shirt and shorts, my heart beat a million miles a minute as I realized I was setting myself up to be rejected again.
"You're making me nervous, Carter,” she said.
"I'm nervous too," I replied, as I scanned my brain for a way out of this that didn’t include my heart being stomped on again.
“Why? What's going on?"
I sucked in a breath for strength. "Because I love you too."
She gasped, but I still didn’t know what the hell she was thinking. “You do?”
I nodded.
“But you’re nervous?”
“You were crying because you loved me. I don’t know what that means and my heart can’t take much more battering, Jess.” Sometimes I wished I could do better at hiding my true feelings. I felt like I was standing on a ledge, teetering and about to fall to my doom.
She moved closer to me, pressing her hand on my chest. I wondered if she could feel how my heart was jack hammering in my chest.
Wrong to Love You: Strong Brothers Book 3 Page 18
