Insolent

by T. L Smith

  “Olympia, don’t make me kick this door in. I can hear you swearing to yourself in there.”

  Fuck.

  I reach for the glass of water on the bench, drink it, then walk to the door. My hands shake as I unlock it, and the minute I do, the door is pushed open and wild eyes are staring back at me. It’s almost like he’s possessed. Those same wild eyes lock onto me, and his hand reaches out capturing my arm.

  “You think you can send that and not speak to me after?”

  “Ah, big man, back the fuck up.”

  His lip twitches in anger. No happiness there whatsoever. “I’m scum, is that what you think?”

  I cringe at the words Johnny used, and look behind me to see him still sleeping.

  How is that even possible?

  “You have another man here, what the actual fuck.” His hand leaves mine and he walks toward Johnny. When he sees it’s him, he shakes his head and comes back to me. “Bedroom, now.”

  My feet start moving in that direction before I can stop them. I don’t want to be out here in case Johnny does wake up to an angry man standing in the living room, ready to do God knows what.

  “You really should calm down, you’re hurting my head,” I say rubbing my temple.

  We reach my bedroom, and he slams the door shut behind him, pulls out his phone and then starts talking. “I’m a lowlife piece of scum?”

  I need to sit for this. Actually, I don’t want any part of this.

  “Why are you here again?” I ask in a dead-tired voice while rubbing my temples. I need more sleep, shower, food, then more sleep, in that order.

  Then the previous day’s events flood back to me. Why am I allowing him to even stand in my room right now? Anger takes hold of me as I look up at him. “You need to leave, right fucking now.” My hands clench the bed sheets, and his anger seeps away from him as he notices the change in me.

  “I’m sorry,” he says through gritted teeth.

  “Was that hard for you, Darby? Was it? Oh, poor Darby. Get over yourself and leave.” He doesn’t move, and it makes me angry. “You want to turn another light off, Darby? Would that make you feel like a man?”

  “I didn’t turn it off, you did.”

  “You implied you would, and I tried to stop you, and that’s damn low. So fucking low.” I shake my head at him. “I really don’t have time for this. I want you to leave so I can shower.” I get up, walking straight past him and into my bathroom. Shutting the door, I strip down and get in. The water feels good on my back, and it still feels weird when I check and there’s no blue running down the drain.

  The shower door is pulled open, and Darby stands there.

  “What the—”

  I’m not blind, I know this. He’s like the kryptonite I never wanted in my life. His strong jawline is clenched as he looks at me. “Get out, Darby.” I don’t even bother covering myself as I turn to face him. His eyes don’t leave mine as he steps into the shower, fully dressed without a care in the world.

  “No, we need to talk.”

  “Ha,” I say throwing my head back.

  His hand comes up and captures my throat. It’s soft, not hard, as he leans down and kisses my jawline. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way.” His words ring true, I can hear the conviction in them. My anger seeps away as he presses himself on me. I’m naked—he’s fully clothed.

  “You shouldn’t have, you don’t know what I went through.” I shake my head at him.

  He cups my wet face with his hands, letting go of my throat. “I shouldn’t have even contemplated it, I could see it upset you. I used it against you.”

  “I didn’t read the damn letter,” I say looking at his cupid bow lips waiting for the kiss that I know is going to come.

  Darby’s finger strokes my cheek. “I believe you.”

  “I should have, if I’d have known that was the way you were going to treat me.” I stand taller, and he chuckles to himself.

  “Probably be worth it all then, hey?”

  I nod to him. “Have you read it?” I ask him.

  He shakes his head then leans in, his lips coming down on mine. I press myself onto him, effectively ending our conversation. His lips devour mine, and I grip onto him, accepting his apology and hoping for a better tomorrow.

  “Olympia…” He pulls back, my lips now coming back empty from his kiss. They want him back, and it takes me longer than a moment to open my eyes again. When I do, he has his shirt off, and his trousers are being pulled down his legs with difficulty—they are stuck to him being so waterlogged—so he’s as naked as I am.

  “Shower sex,” I say smiling. He chuckles at me.

  “All kinds of sex with you.”

  I giggle as he stands back up and steps forward, his hands coming around my waist as he takes hold of me. When a man so powerful as him traps you in his arms, all you can do is succumb to him. It’s exhilarating knowing he wants me. That this man, who could have so many, time and time again, comes back for me. A thought enters my head, and I put my hand on his heart and push backward before he makes me lose my mind again. I look up at his chocolate-colored eyes which are staring back at me, and it’s not something I expected. There’s lust, sure, but it’s mixed with something else. Need? Want? I’m not sure, so I shake my head to get my next words out.

  “Have you been with other women since me? Or do you sleep with other women?”

  His eyebrows scrunch together. “No. And even before you, it was once. When the urge presented itself.”

  I reach my hand down between us, cupping his cock. “Is the urge there now?”

  His eyes go darker as he nods his head. “Oh, very much fucking so. Every fucking day since I met you, to be precise.” He growls, and I like it, gripping him in my hands harder, but he doesn’t give me time to move as he lifts me and pushes my back against the wall.

  “Put me in you, Olympia.”

  I do as he asks and reach between us, placing his cock at my entrance. He watches me as I do, and when my hands come free to grip his hard shoulders and his tip is inside me, he leans forward, kissing me so hard that the back of my head slams against the tiles. He pulls up, biting my lip, and then in one swift movement, he’s in me. I moan loudly when he enters, and he grips my ass hard with his hands, pulling me up and down, helping me move with him.

  Who knew shower sex could be so fucking good? My clit is stimulated each time I move up and down on him, and his cock is hitting in all the perfect places. I never want this to end.

  “Tell me you want me, Olympia.” His voice is right next to my ear, and he bites the lobe before I speak.

  “I love you Darby.” My eyes open in shock when the words leave my mouth.

  Fuck! I half expect him to stop. But he doesn’t, he seems to grip me tighter and move me faster as if my words egged him on to take me. The words slipped out, I didn’t mean to say them. But the truth within those words is there. I do love him. And it’s been a battle raging within me for some time. How do you love a man who clearly doesn’t want that? I try not to think about what I’ve said and lean my head on his shoulder, and we both come at the same time.

  I feel him stop, then I can feel the water slowly go cold, as we stand in the same spot for a while. Not moving.

  “I think it’s time I read the letter.”

  I nod my head, lifting up from him. Darby helps me down, and he’s the first to get out. He dries himself and leaves the room. I sit back in the shower not sure what to do now. I’ve just dropped a bomb that I wasn’t even sure I knew was true, but the moment the words left my lips I knew they were.

  “Olympia.”

  I look up, and he’s at the door watching me.

  How long has he been standing there for?

  “I want you to read it with me.” He passes me a towel, and I take his outstretched hand as I step out.

  “I shouldn’t, it’s personal.”

  “You should. Maybe then you’ll understand and
maybe I will, too.”

  I nod, wrapping the towel around myself. He pulls the letter out and lies on my bed, pulling me in next to him, then he starts.

  My heart hurts from hearing the first line.

  The Letter

  Dearest Darby, this is Cleo. As you may already know, your dead baby mama, if you’re reading this.

  I know, what a way to open up a letter, but it had to be said. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I want you to understand why I chose you. I know you probably think it was a scam I had planned to take your money, but that was the opposite. It was hard for me to let you believe that for so long. So hard, because I was raised to care for me, first and foremost, no one else. I yearned for love, so bad. I think you need to understand that, but I never did settle. I had high expectations, and you actually met them. I want you to know that you’re one of the best men I’ve ever met, and that’s another part of the reason I chose you.

  Chose.

  The word sounds funny when I write it out like that—like I went into a grocery store and picked the ripest apple. I did that, though, with you, and I don’t regret a thing. I chose you. There was no denying that fact.

  We met once before at the same bar, you apologized for bumping into me, and offered to pay for my drink and my clothes. And not once did you stare down my top which was showing a lot of cleavage. I liked you then, but you never looked my way. So, I went back to that bar for weeks following, on the same night hoping you’d come back. And you did, Darby, you did. I saw you two more times before I finally approached you. Not once did you act anything but a gentleman. I even watched you help the waiter who spilled her tray of glasses that night at the hotel, then you went back to your chat as if it was nothing. It wasn’t nothing. No one else around helped that poor girl, and you did it without a second thought.

  I see you, Darby.

  I see you.

  It was kind of what put the nail in the coffin. I didn’t know what I wanted until later, though. I approached you after everyone had left, sat down, and crossed my legs in front of you. You watched the movement with hooded eyes, you wanted me, and I wanted you. There was no doubt in my mind. It felt powerful to have a man like you want me.

  You see, this is the part where most people run. I knew a guy who knew a guy, and I got him to check you out. Your bank account, your history, all of it. I mean, I didn’t want to sleep with a murderer, even if he was as handsome as you.

  So, I seduced you, and you let me. You took me back to the room, and I did the unthinkable, I bit the condom when I slid it on you. Tore a hole in it.

  When you touched me in the elevator on the way up to your room, I knew then that I wanted what you could give me. I knew what I yearned for and that I could never really have, a child.

  I wanted a child.

  To have that thing a woman wants, to feel I created a life. And even though I’m going to die, because I have no doubt in my head I’m going to die, Darby. I feel funny writing that. When you read this, I’m probably dead and there’s a part of me left here on earth, I’ve left my legacy on this world—something good.

  I was born to have him or her. I know I was. I just went about it the wrong way. Some might say I’m crazy. But the minute those lines came up on my pregnancy test, I cried. I cried for two whole days because it was the happiest I’d ever been in my life.

  I wasn’t going to tell you, I had this belief in my head that I would be okay. Then reality set in. And your hands would haunt my dreams with the way you touched me that night. I knew you would never hurt this child, that you would protect him or her no matter what. So, I came to you, and you did as I had hoped. You did everything I thought you would.

  Do you know why, Darby?

  Do you?

  Because you’re a good man.

  I saw the way you’d look down on me when I asked for money. You assumed I was using you. I wasn’t, that part was hard. I was just preparing you, without letting you know, having everything you would need ready and waiting for you should you need it after my death.

  Is he beautiful? I found out today that it’s a boy. I had to take a break from writing this. I’ll keep on writing it as my pregnancy progresses. It will be my journal for you. Do you like the sound of that?

  He kicked today, it was the most spectacular thing I’d ever felt in my life. To have this little soul in me kick, something that we’ve created together. Wow! He’s beautiful, I know he is. Tell him every day that he’s spectacular, that I love him. Push him beyond his boundaries, make him achieve everything he will ever want. I want him to be hungry, hungry for this life as I am, as you are. If he has your soul and my determination, he will be the best kind of human. He’s kicking. I had to stop to feel his little feet push against my belly. I’m sorry I kept this part from you. But you see I’m selfish, because you’ll get all the rest. So much more than what I will ever get. So, this pregnancy part is mine. Please forgive me, Darby.

  You look so tired, Darby, so, so, tired. It made me stop in my tracks when I saw you today. Do you think of me? Even now that I’m gone? I can guarantee I will think of you. You see, despite everything I did to you because I wanted him, I won’t ever apologize for him, Darby. Maybe the way I went about it—even if that was the best night of my life. It was, you know. You were so gentle with me, you never commented on the scars around my heart. You simply kissed them.

  Will you love, Darby?

  I think I want you to love, not just him, our baby, but I want him to have a mother. One who looks at him the way I know you will see him. With love in your eyes and joy in your heart.

  I’ve rambled a lot through this, haven’t I? It’s almost time now, Darby. I can feel it. The doctor told me I was dilated and ready. It’s just a matter of when.

  Can you believe it?

  He also said my chances of survival are quite low. So this may be the last part of this letter, I hope you kept up. I hope it doesn’t confuse you. I wanted to share everything with you. So maybe one day you’ll speak of me with him. Please tell him I loved him more than life itself. I’m going to give my own life for his. Because that’s what a parent does, they love unconditionally. I never had that growing up, but I feel it, and I haven’t even held him yet. I was born to have him, and I was born to die for him. These are facts that I’ve come to live with, Darby. Please forgive me.

  And love him. Love him as if you haven’t loved anyone in this world. And when you do find that woman, hold her to you and don’t let go. Because you’re worth all that love.

  I was, too. Which is why I’m glad I found you.

  I know, you’re probably saying in your head right now, I didn’t love her. I know this. But you have to love a small part of me because that’s in our son. And that’s enough for me.

  Its time, Darby, I can feel the contractions. My friend is on her way to get me right now.

  I’m writing this last part fast.

  But there’s so much more I want to say.

  This is hard.

  This is my last written word ever on paper.

  I know I’m dying today, Darby.

  But you don’t.

  I’m sorry for that, for what I’m about to put you through. I really am.

  But I had to. I just had to.

  He’s going to be beautiful, this much I do know.

  Will you sing to him? I sing to him in my belly. He kicks, he loves it. Sing for him, please. Or if you don’t, find a woman that will. It’s all I ask.

  I’m sorry, Darby, so sorry. And I hope one day you’ll forgive me.

  Maybe when you see our son graduate, when he’s a man and you can see all the hard work you did to get him there. Maybe then you will thank me. I’m a patient woman, Darby, I will wait.

  Goodbye Darby, kiss him every night for me. And hold him close, he’s the best thing I ever did on this earth.

  Love, Cleo.

  28

  Darby

  I don’t know what I’m meant to feel or say after reading t
hat. Next to me Olympia is crying. She wipes her tears as she turns to face me.

  “You didn’t know her?” It’s a statement mixed with a question. I shake my head anyway. “She was right, you know, I see how you help people. You are a good man.”

  I turn to look at her. “I’m not, that’s where you’re both wrong. I do things that would scare you, make you run so far away you won’t want to turn back. The shit I do can replace your current nightmares.”

  “I’m not stupid, people talk. I’ve heard the rumors, but it’s none of my business. I was taught to stay out of others’ business at a young age, Darby, so I’m happy to be blind to it.”

  Her words shock me, then she utters words in a whisper, “You could never replace my nightmares,” and I cringe when she says them.

  “Tell me,” I ask her, stroking her face.

  She turns to glance at me with eyes so sad, then turns back and looks up at the ceiling.

  “I was so close, but so early at the same time. We didn’t want to know the sex, but it was a girl. A beautiful, baby girl. I was driving by myself home and…” I wipe away the tear that’s leaking down her face and grip her hand. “It was so dark. It all happened so fast. I remember the dark the most. And how she wouldn’t kick. I was alone with her for a while, and she didn’t kick. She just didn’t kick no matter how much I coaxed her. It wasn’t like her. I knew then something was wrong. That the accident had done something, but I hoped I was wrong, though the blood, and the rain, and the black sky were ominous. I looked up to heaven and prayed for the first time in my life. I didn’t want her to be taken away, not when she hadn’t had a chance to live.”

  “The letter is as she described, but you don’t know about the hard part. I thought when she had Charles that maybe I could care for this woman. Not in a lover kind of way, but actually care for her, the same way I care for Ma…” I pause as she looks to me, our pain becoming one. We can bask in this thing called pain together. “Then, well, I didn’t know. I didn’t know she was sick. I didn’t know she was going to die. So, when they rushed her away, my heart dropped. I had no idea what was happening, and just as I was wrapping my head around it all, it all came crashing down. So much came fucking crashing down I couldn’t stop it.”