The Messy Life of Blue

by Shawna Railey

  Seth and I gave each other a look. There was no way Jackson was smarter than either of us, or even an ant, but I decided to humor him.

  “Tell you what,” I said. “Dad saves all our report cards. Let’s compare our grades from fourth grade. Whoever got the better report card is the smartest.”

  “Fine,” Jackson grinned. “But you’re both going to be so sorry.”

  “Sure, little bro,” Seth said. “Let’s go.”

  “Go where?” Jackson asked as he followed us out of the kitchen.

  “To the attic,” Seth answered. “Dad keeps a box for each of us. They have all sorts of keepsake stuff, like artwork and photographs and report cards.” Seth glanced at me with a wicked grin. “Prepare to be stupefied.”

  “You’re already stupefied,” I mumbled.

  I had no idea what stupefied meant. I really, really hoped I had a good fourth-grade report card.

  We climbed the narrow stairs and pulled open the door to the musty attic. Dust glittered in the air as sunbeams danced across the shadows from a tiny window.

  We made our way over to the stacks of large plastic containers. Each box was labeled neatly in all-capital letters with our names across the front. Only now there was a kind-of-new one on top.

  LINDA.

  I glanced at Seth and saw that he was shaking. I reached out to touch him, but he jerked my hand off his shoulder.

  “Is that . . . ?” Jackson asked.

  “It’s a box for Mom,” Seth answered.

  I swallowed hard. It was suddenly hard to breathe. “Should we open it?” I asked. “I want to open it.”

  I reached toward the box, but Seth gently pushed my hand away.

  “I’ll do it.”

  He grabbed both ends of the box and carried it over to set under the light. He removed the lid, and all three of us peered in.

  “There sure are a lot of papers,” Jackson said.

  “There’s more than that.” I pulled out a red knit scarf. “I remember Mom wearing this.”

  Seth nodded. “She wore it all the time.” He ruffled through the papers while I wrapped the softness around my neck. I tried to breathe in her scent, but there was nothing there. Just musty attic smell.

  “Let’s go,” Seth burst out. He was shoving a paper back into the box. “We shouldn’t be up here.” He tried to pull at the scarf, but I shoved him away.

  “What are you talking about? Dad won’t care that we looked at Mom’s stuff.”

  “I’m serious,” Seth continued. “Let’s go. Now.” He quickly glanced at the box before pushing us toward the door. What was he hiding? I swung around and went for the box.

  “Leave it alone,” he said, but I already had the lid off. I grabbed the top paper and my heart skipped a beat. It was our mother’s death certificate.

  “I’m okay,” I told Seth. “I’m not going to break down and cry.” I swallowed the lump in my throat.

  Seth let out a breath and smiled. “Sorry. Give it to me and let’s just go.”

  Jackson headed toward the doorway, but I knew something was off. What was Seth hiding? I glanced back down at the paper, but what I read didn’t make sense.

  “I don’t understand. Why does it say this?” I asked. Then louder, “Seth? What does this mean? What does this mean?” I was shaking the certificate at him, creasing it in my clenched fist.

  Seth glanced at Jackson. “Put it away, Blue. Let’s just go downstairs.” I shook my head, but he insisted. “Come on. I’ll even let you in my room.”

  I let him take the paper out of my hand and toss it in the box. I felt numb. He replaced the lid, then pulled me toward the exit. Jackson’s voice sounded far away.

  “So does this mean I’m the smartest?” he asked.

  “Yeah, Jacks, you’re the smartest,” Seth said. “But I need to talk to Blue for a sec. Do you mind?” Jackson shrugged as I followed my oldest brother to his room and sat silently on the edge of his bed. He shut the door behind us.

  “Seth, the date on that certificate is Arnie’s birthday. It says Mom died on Arnie’s birthday. How is that even possible?”

  “Think about it, Blue. You know how it’s possible.”

  I shook my head. “But she died in a car accident. She died the day after Arnie was born, on the way home from the hospital. I remember Dad sitting us down and telling us. I remember.”

  Seth sat next to me on the bed and put his arm around me. “He lied to us,” he said quietly. “Can you think of why he would do that?”

  I gulped down the pain burning in my chest and tried to speak. “Mom died giving birth to Arnie, didn’t she?” I didn’t need Seth to answer. The tears spilled down my cheeks. “Mom died because Arnie was born.” I shrugged his arm off me and stood. “Did you know?”

  “Blue, I think you should—”

  “Did you know?” I asked him again, louder.

  “No. But I’ve always wondered.” He looked defeated. “When Dad came home with Arnie, he wouldn’t look at me. You wouldn’t remember, you were only seven at the time. But I was twelve, and I remember everything about that day. And Dad couldn’t look me in the eyes.” He lifted his head, and I could see the tears streaming down his cheeks. “I think maybe a part of me has always known.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything?” I cried. “To Dad? To me?”

  “What for?” he said, drying his face with the back of his hand. “It wasn’t going to bring Mom home. And the truth is, I understand why Dad lied. Think about it, Blue. He was only trying to protect us. And Arnie.”

  I couldn’t understand how Seth could be so calm about it all. I ran out of his room and into my own. I didn’t want to stay there for another second. The room was spinning in circles as I grabbed a backpack out of my closet. I stuffed in as many clothes as I could and grabbed my favorite pillow. I couldn’t stay in the house with a liar for a dad and with my littlest brother—the reason my mom was dead.

  I crept out the front door and quickly crossed the street. I knocked on Kevin’s door and was about to knock a second time when he finally opened the door.

  “Hey.” He smiled until he saw the look on my face. “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m running away from home, and I’ve decided to let you come with me,” I told him.

  “Uh-uh. No way, Blue. Besides, my mom is making enchiladas for dinner.”

  “Fine. But if anything happens to me, it’ll be your fault, Kevin.” I wiped a tear and turned to leave, but he stopped me.

  “Wait. Are you really running away?” I nodded and Kevin sighed. “Are you going to tell me why?”

  “I live with a family of killers and liars.”

  Kevin just stared.

  “So, are you coming or what?”

  “I really need to learn to tell you no. What should I pack?” I gave Kevin a quick hug.

  “I don’t know. Get some clothes. And food and money. And lots of candy.”

  He left me on the doorstep and went to grab his stuff. I ducked behind a bush and glanced toward my house, expecting someone to burst out the front door looking for me.

  Nothing happened.

  A few minutes later, Kevin emerged. He had on four layers of clothing and an overflowing backpack.

  “Hurry. My mom just asked me to set the table.” He groaned. “You better have a good reason for this, Blue Warren. You know how much I like her enchiladas.”

  We were halfway down the block before the guilt started to sink in. What if my dad was worried? What if Seth thought I was dead? What if Jackson cried because they couldn’t find me?

  Well, maybe that was taking things too far.

  I told Kevin everything as we walked. I started with the stupid bet on who was the smartest and searching for our report cards. I explained how we found my mother’s death certificate and what the date meant. I told him everything except the one thing I wasn’t yet ready to talk about: my feelings toward Arnie and my father.

  “So you’re running away because your dad lied to you? I
get that you’re upset, but it’s not a reason to run away. You should talk to him.”

  “Did you hear anything I just told you? It’s not just about my dad. It’s all of it. I can’t believe she was dead and I didn’t even know it. When Arnie came home from the hospital, she was already gone. I’ll never forgive my dad.” And maybe even Arnie.

  Kevin stopped. “Where should we go?”

  “I don’t know.” I felt a fresh wave of tears sting my eyes and tried to blink them back. One escaped and slid down my cheek. “We have nowhere to go.” I sat down on the sidewalk and dropped my head into my hands.

  Kevin sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. I leaned my head on his arm and was suddenly aware of how little planning had gone into this escape. We sat together until my head stopped spinning and I felt like I could catch my breath.

  “You okay?” he asked. I nodded. Standing, we began our journey once again.

  “Let’s go toward the train tracks near the pond. Maybe we can find a tree to sleep under tonight.” I shivered. It was going to be a long night. The sun was setting in the distance, changing the blue sky to a watercolor of orange and red. We’d been walking for over an hour.

  “The train tracks? I don’t know, Blue.”

  “Don’t be a baby,” I told him, crossing the street. Kevin followed, but he didn’t look happy about it.

  We made our way through an overgrown field, the dry grass scratching at my ankles and sticking to my shoes. The sky darkened rapidly as the sun crept lower, but we continued on.

  “Where are we going?” Kevin asked, glancing behind him. I didn’t have a clue, so I didn’t answer.

  We came out on the other side of the field just as the sun dipped below the horizon. The sudden darkness was suffocating. An owl hooted in the distance.

  Back on the sidewalk, the surroundings were unfamiliar. It was a different part of town than I was used to. I heard a horn honk and jumped. I glanced behind me and saw Jane slowly pulling up next to us.

  “Blue? Is that you?” she called out the window. “What are you doing so far from home? Do you need a ride somewhere?” She glanced at Kevin.

  “No, I’m okay. Thanks, though.” I pulled on Kevin’s arm and picked up the pace. I could hear her car still coasting along next to us, but I refused to look.

  “Are you sure you don’t need a ride?”

  I heard the car stop and her door slam shut. Jane called my name again and I turned around.

  “What?” I snapped. “We don’t need a ride, okay? Just leave us alone.” And then I did the worst thing I could possibly do.

  I cried.

  Jane walked over and held me in her arms as my body shook from the sobs. I wanted to push her away and scream and yell at her. I wanted to call her a witch and tell her that she wasn’t my mother. Instead I wrapped my arms around her while she rubbed my hair. She smelled like gardenias. Not as good as honeysuckle, but close enough.

  When I was finished, I wiped my wet face on my T-shirt. It was a whole lotta snot.

  I watched her take a long look at our backpacks and Kevin’s ridiculous layers and layers of clothing. She raised her eyebrows but said nothing. This was getting awkward.

  “Well, thanks for the cry-fest. We’ll just be going now.” I reached for the backpack I’d dropped in my moment of self-pity, but Jane got to it first.

  “I can give you a ride. Where are you headed?” She was already walking back to her car, my hijacked backpack secured tightly in her arms.

  “That’s okay, we were just going for a walk.” I followed her because I didn’t have a choice. She did have my backpack and all.

  “Why don’t I give you guys a ride anyway? Kevin, hop in the car.”

  “Wait,” Kevin said. “How do you know my name?”

  Jane looked up and we locked eyes.

  “You were looking for us, weren’t you?” I asked. The look on her face was the only answer I needed.

  “Come home, Blue. Your family is worried and searching the neighborhood. You too, Kevin. Whatever you’re upset about, it isn’t worth losing your families over.”

  I shuffled my feet and looked at Kevin.

  “I don’t want to sleep outside,” Kevin said to me quietly. “Please.”

  I climbed into the back of Jane’s car. I could pretend that I only went home for Kevin. I could say that I was afraid Jane would call my dad if I didn’t go with her. I could even admit that the darkness scared me a little more than I thought it would. But the truth was that I just really missed my family.

  16

  A police car was pulling away as I made my way up the driveway with Jane by my side. When we walked in the front door, relief flooded through my veins, even as my heart pounded in my chest. Technically, I had only been gone for three hours and sixteen minutes, but it felt like a whole lot longer. It felt like a lifetime.

  I heard a door slam and then my father was coming toward us, his phone dangling from one ear. “We found her, Seth. Just come home.” He sighed at something Seth said on the other end and then hung up.

  Jane went to my dad and put her hand on his shoulder. They didn’t say anything; they just stood together. He brushed a strand of hair off her forehead before she left, quietly closing the door behind her.

  He was obviously very thankful that she found me.

  My dad finally turned toward me and we stared at each other in the hallway, neither of us moving. The dog rule doesn’t apply when it’s your father, which is a good thing, because I was definitely the one who looked away first.

  “Do you have anything you want to say to me?” he asked. I didn’t recognize the look he gave me. On the surface it looked like anger, but it was mixed with something unfamiliar.

  “Do you have anything you want to say to me?” I asked him back.

  He stretched his hand out toward me, then ran it through his hair. When he pulled it away, his hair stood up like freshly cut grass.

  “Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been? Do you?” I felt a stab of guilt, but I was too angry to say anything that could possibly make him feel better. “You know what, don’t say anything. Just go to your room.”

  “Milk,” Arnie said, peeking around the corner. “Milk-milk.”

  “No milk,” my father snapped. “Go to your room, Beulah. Now!”

  I glared at my youngest brother while he blinked up at me with a goofy grin. A lump formed in my throat, but I swallowed it down and left them.

  I was almost to my room when Jackson came out of nowhere.

  “Where were you?” he asked. I tried to move past him, but he blocked my way. “You know what, Blue? You’re selfish.”

  “Me? Selfish?”

  “Yeah.” He’d been holding a paintbrush, and now he was using it to point at me. “You’re the most selfish person I know.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I tried again to push him out of the way, but he held his ground. “If you knew what I know, you wouldn’t say that.”

  “Right. I forgot, your life is soooo rough. If you knew what I know, then maybe you would stop and think about someone else besides yourself.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Jackson rolled his eyes. “What do you think happened when you ran off tonight?”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “I’ll give you a hint. Dad freaked out. Arnie was bawling. Even Seth was scared. I hope you’re happy.”

  He squeezed himself against the wall so as not to touch me as I finished the walk to my room alone. Kota was lying on my bed and jumped down when I entered. I tried to pet him, but it seemed that even he didn’t want to be around me. I watched as he padded out of my room, his tail unusually tucked down.

  I changed into my softest pajamas and warmest socks, then crawled into bed. I lay there, awake, for a long time, staring at the ceiling and listening to the familiar sounds of my house. I thought about everything I now knew and what that meant about my feelings toward Arnie.
I’ve always loved my littlest brother—I still did. But I was angry with him, too, and I didn’t like how that made me feel. I knew in my head it wasn’t his fault, but I was having a bit more trouble explaining that to my heart.

  I heard the garage door when Seth got home and Arnie singing in the bathtub. After a while, I heard my father’s muffled voice directing my brothers to bed. When the light disappeared from underneath my door, I knew everyone was in bed for the night.

  My stomach was growling angrily, so I crept down the stairs toward the kitchen. I jumped when I found my dad there. He was sitting at the table in the dark, his head resting in his hands. I backed away, trying to leave as quickly and quietly as I’d entered, but it was too late. I was caught.

  “Sit down, Blue.”

  He’d raised his head, and from the moonlight through our kitchen window, I could see tears glistening on his cheeks. I sat down across from him and waited. He rubbed his eyes and sighed.

  “Are you going to talk to me about why you felt the need to run away from home tonight?” It was hard to stay angry when I saw my father cry. “Seth already told me what you found up in the attic. I can imagine how upset and confused you must have felt. But, Blue?” He reached across the table and raised my chin so I had to look into his eyes. “It is never, ever okay to run away from home.”

  I felt the tears forming, and I didn’t try to stop them. “I miss her, Dad. Every single day.” I wiped a tear away. “But that’s not why I left. It was because you lied to us. How could you do that?”

  “I was afraid that if you knew the truth, you and your brothers would never accept Arnie. That you would never forgive him. He is completely innocent in all of this.”

  “So you decided to lie to us? Were you ever going to tell us the truth?”

  My dad ran his hand through his hair. “I wanted to. I did. But then I didn’t know how to start or what to say. I wanted to protect you and Seth and Jackson . . . and Arnie.”

  “But why did this happen to her?” My voice shook.

  Dad stood up and poured us both small glasses of chocolate milk. It felt like an hour before he finally spoke. “Did you know that milk talks were actually your mother’s idea?”