I Is Another

by Jon Fosse

  After that it was mostly patching and repairs, she says

  Yes, that’s how it goes, Father says

  That’s what happened, The Landlady says

  and they stand there and no one says anything

  There’s a bed and everything else you need, a table and chair, both a toilet and a shower, The Landlady says and she points at The Shoemaker’s Workshop

  Let’s go take a look, she says

  Yes, Asle says

  So, now you’ll be living on your own, she says

  That’s how it is, Father says

  And since you’re from Barmen you need to rent a room since The Academic High School’s in Aga, she says

  and Father says that that’s how it is, and it’s not just people from Barmen, people from Stranda need to rent rooms here, he says and The Landlady nods

  Yes there are lots of young people living in rented rooms in Aga, she says

  and there’s silence

  Yes, she says

  Thank you for answering the ad I put in The Hardanger Times, Father says

  Well I’m a subscriber, The Landlady says

  and she’s started walking over to the door of The Shoemaker’s Workshop and she’s holding a key up to Asle and she says that this key, the biggest one, is for the front door, she says and then she unlocks the door and walks in and she turns on the light

  There’s the light switch, she says

  and she looks back to see if Asle is there and he goes over to The Landlady and she points to the light switch and she says that when he’s not at home it’d be nice if he turned out the light, to save a little on the electricity, she says and then she goes down a hall and there are whitewashed walls on both sides, and she points to a door

  Here’s the shower and the toilet, she says

  Yes and let’s keep looking, she says

  and she points to a door farther down the hall

  In there’s the actual workshop, the shoemaker’s workshop, where my husband made shoes, she says

  And later just repaired shoes, she says

  But through all those years he had a boy as an apprentice, she says

  It was like he felt it was his duty, she says

  and she looks at Mother and Father and she says he, the apprentice boy, always had lodgings up in the attic, and that’s where Asle will have his rented room now, The Landlady says and she starts slowly climbing the stairs with Asle right behind her and when she gets to the top she unlocks a door and she goes in and she turns on the light and Asle goes in after her

  Yes so here’s your new home, The Landlady says

  The room looks great, Asle says

  It’s nothing special, but it’s a place to live anyway, she says

  and Asle sees a bed and next to the bed there’s a nightstand and there’s a lamp mounted on the wall over the head of the bed

  Yes you’ll have light to read by too, as you can see, The Landlady says

  And there’s a table and chair in front of the window, she says

  So you can do your reading there, she says

  Yes, Asle says

  Asle, that was your name, right? she says

  Yes, my name’s Asle, he says and Asle sees that next to the table, in that corner, is a wardrobe and The Landlady says that he can keep his clothes in that wardrobe, or anything else, whatever he needs to keep there, she says and then she goes over to a door next to the hall door and she opens it and it’s a little room with a bench and she says now this here’s a little room but you can use it as a little kitchen, and Asle sees that there’s a small window in the room and he says he’s brought with him a studio stove with one burner

  Yes, when you cook you can let the smoke go out through that window, The Landlady says

  and she says now it’s nothing special, no, it’s old and run-down and it hasn’t been used in all these years, but lots of people have lived in this apartment before and no one ever complained, she says

  Yes, Asle says

  It all looks great, he says

  So that’s it, The Landlady says

  and she stands there

  You’ll have to come over to the house and have a cup of coffee with me sometime, she says

  and Asle says thank you thank you and then he puts the easel down on the floor, in front of the window, and then The Landlady takes out a pad of notepaper as though out of nowhere and Asle sees that it says Rent Book on top and The Landlady says that on the first of every month, if it’s not a holiday and he’s not back home at the time, he can come pay the rent and Asle nods and then they just stand there

  Yes well there’s probably not much more I need to show you, The Landlady says

  and Father thanks her, thanks her very much for renting her home to Asle, it’s not so easy to get a room in Aga so he really has to thank her, he says and The Landlady says it’s nothing and then she goes over to the door and she leaves the room and goes downstairs and Father and then Mother and then Asle follow her and The Landlady stops outside The Shoemaker’s Workshop and then she holds out the keyring to Asle and then she says to him welcome, and that she hopes he’ll like it there and that everything goes well for him at The Academic High School, she says and Asle takes the keys

  So I’ll just go back inside then, it’s a little chilly, The Landlady says

  Yes, thank you again, and take care of yourself, Father says

  Yes, take care of yourself, Mother says

  and they see The Landlady go up to her house and up the steps to the front door and then Father says yes well they should probably just carry the things in now, he says

  Yes, Asle says

  and then Father goes and opens the boot of the car and picks up the studio stove with one burner and Asle takes the bag with the paintings and the sack of bed linens and Mother takes a box of plates and other kitchen things and they carry them inside and no one says anything and then Father goes and gets another two boxes and Asle and Mother go and get some shopping bags

  We can help you unpack, Father says

  No I’d rather do it myself, Asle says

  But, Mother says

  I want to unpack it myself, Asle says

  and he goes and sits on the edge of the bed and Father and Mother stay standing there in the middle of the room and Asle rolls himself a cigarette and lights it and Mother says he probably doesn’t have any ashtrays and then she takes a saucer out of one of the boxes and hands it to him and Asle says thanks and then he thinks that as soon as his parents leave he’ll go to The Co-op Store in the centre of Aga and buy himself an ashtray and then Father says that they did bring some food with them but he’ll need to buy himself some milk anyway, he says, and Asle says he’ll go for a walk and go shopping, because it’s not far to The Co-op Store, Asle says and he gets up and leaves the room

  And then you’ll go visit my mother in the morning? Father says

  I’ll visit her every day, Asle says

  That’s nice of you, Father says

  And there’s a phone booth next to The Co-op Store, and if anything comes up you should just call home, he says

  and then it’s silent and then Father says well he and Mother will just be driving back home then, he says

  Okay, Asle says

  But you really don’t want us to help you unpack? Father says

  No I’ll do it myself, Asle says

  and Father takes out his wallet and he says that now and every month until he’s done at The Academic High School he’ll get some money from him, for the rent, for food and clothes and whatever else he needs, schoolbooks and all that, it’s not all that much money, nothing special, he’s hardly a rich man, Father says, but he’ll have the money he needs to get by, and today he needs a larger amount because the schoolbooks he needs will cost a good chunk of money, but books are so expensive, yes indeed, Father says and he hands Asle several notes and Asle takes them and says thank you

  You have your wallet with you, right? Mother says

  Yes, of cours
e, Asle says

  You can leave now, he says

  Okay we will, Mother says

  Yes, Father says

  Now take good care of yourself, you hear, he says

  Yes, Mother says

  and Father holds out his hand to Asle and he says well good luck then Asle and Mother holds out her hand to him too and she says good luck and then Asle sees Mother go over to the door and she leaves and then Father is in the doorway and he stops and turns around and looks at Asle

  Take care, he says

  and then Father closes the door behind him and then Asle goes and sits down on the edge of the bed and then he lies down on the bed with his hands folded behind his neck and he puts the saucer he’s using as an ashtray on his belly and Asle thinks that he’ll be sixteen soon and finally, finally, he’s being left in peace, he thinks, and the day he turns sixteen he’s going to write to the minister in Barmen and withdraw from The National Church, he thinks and Asle smokes and he feels a lightness come over him and I’m sitting here in the car and I’m driving south and the main road is cleared and good to drive on, and I’ve seen some cars on the road but not many, and I think that the first thing I’ll do when I get to Bjørgvin is park the car in front of The Beyer Gallery and then I’ll give the pictures to Beyer and then I’ll take a taxi to The Hospital to see Asle, and if I can’t see him today either, yes, then I don’t know, I think and I feel drowsy, yes, sleepy, because I didn’t sleep much last night either, so that means both of the last two nights I didn’t get much sleep, yes, maybe almost none, I think, and I think that before I go to The Beyer Gallery I need to drive past the block where Asle’s apartment is, in Sailor’s Cove, where I was the day before yesterday to get his dog, Bragi, and when I left Dylgja earlier today Bragi was still in my bed and I thought I didn’t want to bring him to Bjørgvin, because it would just be a short trip, I think, I was just going to drop off my pictures, see Asle, and then drive back to Dylgja, I think, and I think that now I don’t want to even look at the building where Asle’s apartment is, I’ll just look straight ahead and drive past it, I think and I drive steadily, confidently on south towards Bjørgvin and now I’ll drive straight to The Beyer Gallery and then I’ll drop off my paintings and put them in the side room, The Bank, as Beyer calls it, and I can do that whether Beyer is there in person or one of those young women he always has a new one of, the university girls, as Beyer says, he’s gotten another new university girl to sit in The Gallery, he says, so it doesn’t matter if I’ve arranged a fixed time with Beyer, there’s always someone in the gallery, and that’s what we’ve done for all these years now, I think and Beyer has called me on the phone, the same way he does every year, just for form’s sake, as he says, we’ve arranged to have a Christmas exhibition this year too, and he says it with a little laugh, Christmas exhibition, because he knows I don’t like to use that word, because the word Christmas, yes, Christmas itself, all the Christmas festivities, I don’t like them, I think, but never mind that, because now I’m almost there and I’ll be able to park my car in front of The Beyer Gallery, I think, because now, yes, now I’ll drive straight to The Beyer Gallery and drop the paintings off and then take a taxi to The Hospital and visit Asle, I have to, I think, because, yes, maybe I should bring him something? or maybe he wants me to buy him something? anyway I’ll take a taxi to The Hospital to see how Asle is doing and afterwards I’ll take a taxi to St Paul’s Church and sit there for a moment, because I’ll be too late for morning mass and it’ll be too long a wait until evening mass, and then I’ll take a taxi to The Country Inn, even though it’s not so far to walk and I know the way, I think and at The Country Inn I can get something warm to eat, yes, that’s what I’ll do, and then I’ll go back to The Beyer Gallery and then I’ll drive back home to Dylgja, because I don’t need to do any shopping, I already bought everything I needed to buy yesterday, I think and there’s not much traffic, it’s been a while since I’ve seen another car, and I think that I like driving, it’s like it calms me down, like I fall into a kind of daze, sort of, like I’m collected and focused just on driving, nothing else, yes, it’s a little like when I paint, except then I basically always have to be listening for something new the whole time but when I’m driving I just listen without listening to the same thing the whole time, and while I’m listening it’s like my whole life becomes calm and peaceful, everything that’s happened, I think, and I think that it’s not good to drive if you’re too tired, if you’re about to fall asleep, and I feel that I’m still tired so before I drive back home to Dylgja I should get a little sleep, or if nothing else I need a lot of coffee, I think and I’ve reached 1 High Street and there’s a car in just one of the parking places in front of The Beyer Gallery, and it’s Beyer’s car, and I park my car next to his and I think so I’m here and I look at the whitewashed walls right in front of me and I think that if I just sit here a minute Beyer will probably come out, I think, and I stay sitting in the car, but no Beyer comes out, and I get out and go to the front door of The Beyer Gallery and I see a scrap of paper hanging on the door and it says Be right back, and that’s not really so surprising, it’s happened plenty of times before when I’ve come to The Beyer Gallery without arranging a set time that there’s been a scrap of paper like that on the door, and it’s never when one of the university girls is in The Gallery but only when it’s Beyer himself, I think, because Beyer sometimes puts up a sign like that when he has to run an errand or something, I think, and I think that in that case the first thing I’ll do is take a taxi to The Hospital to visit Asle, but I’m so tired, so sleepy, so maybe I can just rest a little in the car, maybe even sleep a little too, I think and I get back into my car and I look at the white walls and I lean the front seat as far back as it can go, and I close my eyes, and now I’ll just rest a little, I think, and then I want to pray, yes, I haven’t prayed yet today, I think and I close my eyes and I breathe evenly in and out and then I make the sign of the cross and then I take out the brown rosary I have hanging around my neck under my black pullover, the rosary I got from Ales once, and I take the brown wooden cross between my thumb and index finger and I think now I need to get a little sleep and I think I need to pray and I see words before me and I say inside myself Pater noster Qui es in cælis Sanctificetur nomen tuum Adveniat regnum tuum Fiat voluntas tua sicut in cælo et in terra Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris Et ne nos inducas in tentationem sed libera nos a malo and I move my thumb and finger up to the first bead and I say Our Father Who art in heaven Hallowed be thy name Thy kingdom come Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil and I think over and over again Let thy kingdom come and then I think that maybe I’m getting tireder because I’m saying Salve Regina and I move my thumb and finger back down to the cross and then I see words and I start to say inside myself Salve Regina Mater misericordiæ Vita dulcedo et spes nostra salve Ad te clamamus Exsules filii Hevæ Ad te suspiramus Gementes et flentes in hac lacrimarum valle Eia ergo Advocata nostra Illos tuos misericordes oculos ad nos converte Et Iesum Benedictum fructum ventris tui Nobis post hoc exsilium ostende O clemens O pia O dulcis Virgo Maria and I repeat again and again Nobis post hoc exsilium ostende and I hold the brown wooden cross and then I say, over and over again inside myself while I breathe in deeply Lord and while I breathe out slowly Jesus and while I breathe in deeply Christ and while I breathe out slowly Have mercy and while I breathe in deeply On me

  IV

  And I see myself standing and looking at the picture with the two lines that cross near the middle, one brown and one purple, and I see that I’ve painted the lines slowly, with a lot of thick oil paint, and the paint has run, and where the brown line and the purple line cross the colours have blended nicely and dripped down and I think that I have to get rid of this picture, but I want to
keep it? anyway I don’t want Åsleik to get it, I think and I think I’ll carry the picture upstairs to the attic and into the storeroom on the left and put it with the other pictures I keep in boxes there, the other paintings I don’t want to sell, I think, and there’s always one painting out leaning on a chair between the two small windows on the short wall in the same room, under the gable, in the middle, and the one I’ve had there for a long time now is the portrait I painted of Ales, I think and I look at the picture with the two lines that cross and I see myself sitting in my car in the parking space outside The Beyer Gallery and I look at the white walls in front of me and it’s Wednesday today, I think, and it’s already been such a long day, I think and won’t Beyer come back to the gallery soon? I think and it’s a little chilly and I put the seat back up the way it usually is when I’m driving and I wonder if I should start the engine and turn on the heat, but I decide not to and then I wrap my black coat around me better and I knot my scarf tighter around my neck and Beyer’ll be back soon, I think and then I think that painting isn’t something I’ve done for myself, it wasn’t because I wanted to paint, but to serve something bigger, yes, maybe, I do sometimes dare to think things like that, that I want my paintings to do nothing less than serve the kingdom of God, I think, yes, and I thought that way before I was confirmed too, and that might have to do with the fact that I’ve always felt God’s closeness, yes, whatever that is, I think, and call it whatever you want, but now, for one reason or another, it suddenly feels like I’ve said what I have to say, yes, like I don’t have any desire to paint anymore, that there’s no more to see, no more to add, but if I do stop painting then what’ll I do with myself? maybe read more? because actually I like reading, and maybe I’ll get a traditional Barmen pointed boat and start going sailing, when the weather’s good, because I’ve always liked being out on the water, and I always thought I’d get a boat someday, yes, a boat and a dog, that’s what everybody needs, I thought, but it didn’t work out that way, I never got a boat or a dog either, I think, because I’ve always lived completely inside my painting, in a way, it was like there was no room for anything else, not a boat, not a dog, no matter how many times I thought that I’d like that, a boat or a dog, yes, that’s something a person needs if they want a good life, I would think, and now I have a dog at my house, yes, Bragi, and I like that a lot, I think and I think that now I also feel like I want to get rid of all the paintings I still have, yes, the paintings I’ve kept all these years, including two of the first pictures I ever painted, yes, painted myself, not from photos of houses and buildings but from what I felt and saw, and those are two of the best pictures I ever painted, yes, I really think so, I think, and that’s why, because they came right at the beginning, so to speak, I’ve usually had one of those two out leaning against the back of the chair, but now I’ve had the portrait I painted of Ales there for a long time, I think, and I have no desire to take it down, I don’t want to take it down, yes, it’s sort of found its permanent place there on the chair, but I do sometimes go into the storage space and take out a painting from there, and then I stand and look at it for a little while, I think and there are so many times I was sorry I’d sold my other earliest paintings, yes, I practically gave them away, they sold for so little or nothing, I think, and that was at an exhibition I put on myself at the Barmen Youth Centre, I think, yes, it’s pathetic, and in the other room in the attic, the one I get to by taking the door on the right when I come up the stairs, I have my storeroom with tubes of oil paint, canvas, brushes, cans of turpentine, and wood for making stretchers, I think, and there’s a storage space in that room too, but I rarely go into that one, and I don’t really want to think about it because that’s where I put Ales’s clothes and other things, because when she died I couldn’t bear to get rid of anything so I took it all, folded her clothes up as neatly as I could, her trousers, skirts, underwear, bras, all her clothes, and all the rest, her toiletries, her make-up, what little she used, no I don’t want to think about that, not now, no, not now, I think and I think that Åsleik and I wrapped up the nine big paintings and the four small paintings in blankets today, thirteen paintings in all that I’d finished, and then we carried them out to my car and put them carefully in the back, because when I bought a new car, many years ago, when the one I’d bought with Ales and we’d used to move to the old house wasn’t usable anymore, the most important thing for me was to make sure that my finished paintings could fit in the back, so I bought a large car, almost a small van, and it had to have a roof rack so I could tie lengths of wood for making stretchers to the roof, I think, and now I put the pictures nicely stacked in the back of the car, wrapped up well in blankets, and I’m happy to be getting rid of these pictures, yes, bringing them to Beyer, I think, but where is Beyer? where has he gone? I’ve been waiting a long time now, I think and I think that it’ll be nice to get back home, it always is, whenever I’m away I’m constantly looking forward to getting back to our good old house there in Dylgja, because I always think of it as our house, even though I’ve been living there alone for so many years, I still think that it’s our house, but soon it’ll be time to learn to think about it as my house, not our house, yes, like that instead, my house, I think and I look at the white wall and now I see snowflakes falling one by one and landing on the windshield and I look straight ahead and I see Asle lying there in bed in The Hospital and a doctor opens the door and goes over to him and takes his pulse and his body is still shaking, still trembling