All Hope Is Lost

by E. L. Todd

  “Silke?” I’ve known my sister my entire life, and she wasn’t scared of anything. She had a backbone made of steel, and her nails were razor sharp. She could look fear in the face and put a finger in his eye. “Her sculptures are awesome. I still remember the one she made for you.”

  “It’s still in the living room.”

  “Silke has a lot of talent. I never knew she was self-conscious about it.”

  “Well, she is.” He leaned back in the booth and rested his arm over the back of the chair.

  “Does that mean she and Arsen worked things out?” Arsen messed up and probably didn’t deserve a second chance, but I hoped Silke would give him another shot. If I hadn’t been allowed to redeem myself, I wouldn’t have the most beautiful woman in the world in my bed every night. Everyone deserved a second chance—if they were truly sorry.

  “No. I think Arsen is trying to get her back.”

  “Is that why he brought up the gallery idea?”

  “No,” Dad answered. “The suggestion was genuine.”

  “Well, I hope they work it out.”

  Dad didn’t agree. He didn’t say anything.

  “You don’t think Arsen deserves a second chance?”

  Dad’s eyes left my face, and his mind left the room. After a few minutes, he came back. “I don’t think my daughter deserves to be treated like that, and if he really wants her back he’s going to have to step it up.”

  I guess my dad’s fondness for him had dwindled. “Yeah…”

  “Silke can have any guy she wants. She’s smart, funny, and beautiful. I didn’t raise her to settle for a man who doesn’t appreciate her. She needs to be with someone who only makes her happy—nothing less.”

  I didn’t add my two cents to the conversation because it didn’t seem smart. Dad was particularly passionate about this. Even though he was hiding his emotion behind his eyes, I could tell it was there.

  Dad relaxed after a few minutes of silence. “What’s new with you?”

  Again, it felt like an interrogation. It wasn’t a casual question to pass the time. This had some meaning to it. He asked me to go out with him, and now I suspected he had an agenda. “Nothing. Trinity and I are getting ready for the baby.”

  “Yeah?” he asked. “Picked any names?”

  Trinity and I already agreed on what we wanted, but we decided to keep that information to ourselves. Plus, I didn’t want to tell my dad I was naming my son after him, not like this. “No.”

  “Well, you have time.”

  “How did you pick out my name?”

  “I don’t know,” he said with a shrug. “Your mother and I came up with it and we liked it.”

  “It doesn’t have a special meaning?”

  “No. But we didn’t want a name with a meaning. We wanted our children to have a clean slate. We wanted them to give the name meaning, not the other way around.”

  I nodded because I understood that logic.

  “Anything else?”

  “Uh, no.” I sipped my root beer.

  “Not a thing?”

  What the hell did he know? “My life isn’t as interesting as some people think.”

  “I think your life is fascinating, Slade. Always have.”

  “Well, maybe I’ll start a blog so you can read about it every day.”

  Dad didn’t look amused.

  “Is there something you want to talk about, Dad? Because I can tell this is one of those grown up talks I used to get as a kid.”

  Instead of being angry at my smartass comment he smiled. “I guess I’m not as sneaky as I thought.”

  “What’s on your mind?”

  “Cayson paid me a visit.”

  He ratted me out to my own father? “That little bitch.” I slammed my fist down on the table.

  “Technically, you told him he couldn’t tell Trinity or Skye. And he didn’t break that promise.”

  I growled under my breath. “That stupid genius outsmarted me.”

  “Well, you could have just told him not to tell anybody…”

  “Whatever,” I said. “I wasn’t thinking straight.”

  “So, Don Murray is really interested in you?” Awe was in his voice, but he also didn’t seem surprised at the same time.

  “Yeah. He gave me his card.”

  “He’s big in the music industry. I’ve heard a lot about him.”

  “Coldplay and Red Hot Chili Peppers are signed under his record label.” The fact he met those bands in person and then met me gave me chills. I was just one person away from knowing the best musicians in the world. It was crazy to think about.

  “Wow. I’d be a little star struck.”

  “I was,” I admitted.

  “Honestly, I’m not surprised this happen. You’re gifted, Slade. Your mother and I knew that when you were two.”

  “When I was two?” I couldn’t even remember being two.

  “Yeah. You were very advanced for a two year old. And when you started kindergarten the administrators tested you. You were so far off the charts they couldn’t believe it.”

  I always had good test scores but I didn’t think much of it.

  “When you got older, I realized you didn’t excel in your classes because you were bored and uninterested. But when you did commit your mind to something you were the best of the best. That applies to music. Your fingers move over the strings like its what they were meant to do. Your lyrics are smart and original, and you put everything together better than Paul McCartney.”

  “Wow…” I’ve never gotten a compliment like that in my life.

  “What I’m trying to say is, I’m not surprised that someone like Don Murray recognized your talent. He knows it when he sees it.”

  I looked down because his praise was making me warm inside. I didn’t usually react to compliments because I never got them, but my dad was putting me on a pedestal.

  “When Cayson told me you turned down his offer I was confused. And that’s what I wanted to talk about.”

  “Cayson didn’t say?” We went back and forth about it at the bar for nearly an hour. I found it unlikely that he forgot.

  “He said you were already settled down and committed to Trinity, and you had a baby on the way so being a rock star wasn’t a good idea.”

  “Exactly.”

  Dad didn’t seem convinced. “And I might have believed that if you were willing to tell Trinity. But Cayson said you weren’t going to.”

  “It’s complicated,” I said. “I don’t want to stress her out. This will just make her upset, and I can’t have my pregnant wife worked up over anything. She needs to chill and let me wait on her hand-and-foot.”

  “Why would she be upset?” he asked. “Last time I checked, she’s always in the front row at every concert you’ve ever had. She got you the best guitar in the industry, and she designed all your t-shirts and gear.”

  “Because I’m playing just for fun. I only play a show a few times a month, and the rest of the time I’m with her. That’s totally different than being a professional musician.”

  “You really think Trinity hasn’t foreseen this possibility? That someone might want to sign you?”

  “Maybe. But what does it matter?”

  “It does matter,” Dad said. “Why won’t you tell her?”

  “I just said,” I snapped. “I can’t upset her.”

  “She would be happy for you, Slade. What wife wouldn’t?”

  “Look, I’ve already committed to her. I gave up on that dream when I married her.”

  “What?” Dad asked in confusion. “Why can’t you have both?”

  “Because…I just can’t.” This situation was more complicated than I could explain in just a few sentences. “I hurt her a lot in the past, and if I pursue this I’ll just hurt her again. I’ll be on the road all the time and I’ll be in the public eye every single day. I’m not leaving my wife and child behind while I travel ten months out of the year.”

  “Whoa…” He held up both
hands. “Who said anything about committing to it? I’m only suggesting telling her what happened with Don Murray. That’s all.”

  I looked away and stared at the menu.

  Dad watched me and leaned over the table. “I think you don’t want to tell her because you know she’ll be supportive. I’ve known Trinity as long as you have. She only wants the best for you—as your wife and your friend. And when she’s supportive, she’ll push you toward this offer.”

  My eyes didn’t move from the menu.

  “The real reason why you won’t tell her is because you’re scared.”

  My lips hardly moved. “I’m not scared.”

  “I think part of the reason you won’t tell Trinity is because you’re protecting your marriage. But I also think that’s just an excuse. You’ve excelled at everything you’ve done, even if you half-assed it like college. Now that this is your dream, the one thing you really want, you’re afraid it’ll blow up in smoke. You’re afraid you won’t be good enough. You’re afraid you’ll crash and burn.”

  “That’s not true.”

  Dad became more demanding. “Look me in the eye and say that.”

  It took me a few seconds to comply. When my gaze met his, my stomach clenched in acid.

  “When I told you about your sister, you said she was talented and should reach for her dreams. Follow your own advice.”

  “It’s completely different.”

  “Not really,” Dad said. “You’re a talented musician. Shouldn’t your music be shared with the world?”

  My eyes dropped again.

  “Look at me, Slade.”

  I sighed before I did as he asked.

  “It’s okay to be scared,” he said gently. “It’s a big deal. But don’t throw it away just because you’re afraid of what will happen. That’s not the man I know. That’s not the son I raised. At least tell Trinity what happened.”

  Now that I’d been cornered and stripped I had nothing to hide behind. “But she’ll tell me to call him.”

  “Sounds right.”

  I rubbed the back of my neck. “If this goes somewhere, it’s not like I’m simply changing careers. It’s time-consuming and involves a lot of money and fame. It can really change someone. I don’t want something like that to ruin what I have with Trinity.”

  Dad didn’t seem the least bit concerned. “Remember who you’re talking about. This is you and Trinity, not someone else. Of all people, you guys will make it work.”

  “Why even risk it?”

  “Just talk to her.”

  “What if I fail? What if I crash and burn and embarrass her?”

  “Slade, if she isn’t embarrassed of you by now she never will be.” He gave me a teasing smile to cheer me up.

  My body wouldn’t even give a smile.

  “Baby steps, Slade. Talk to your wife. Then go from there.”

  “I don’t even know what to say…”

  “You talk to her all the time. Don’t put too much thought into it.”

  I fidgeted with the paper from my straw.

  “Remember, it’s Trinity. You can tell her anything.”

  I nodded.

  “Now go tell her.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Conrad

  I lay on the couch with Apollo next to me. I didn’t usually cuddle with my dog, but I felt pretty low at the moment. The TV wasn’t on, and I watched the light leave my apartment with every passing minute. Eventually, it became dark. Lights from the city gave the place some light.

  The doorbell rang but I didn’t move. It wasn’t Lexie, so I had no interest in answering it.

  Apollo sat up and bent his ears.

  The doorbell rang again.

  This time Apollo whined. He looked at me like he was trying to tell me something.

  “You think I should answer it?”

  He whined.

  “Fine.” I sat up and he hopped off of me. I headed to the door with a slow gait. There was no one I wanted to see. More than likely, it was probably my dad. He checked on me often like he thought I would have another meltdown.

  When I opened the door I was surprised to see Roland. “Hey, man. What brings you here?”

  His face was pale. “Just wanted to drop by…” He looked like a winter morning, bloodless lips and hollow eyes.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Uh…” He walked inside and didn’t answer my question.

  I shut the door then followed him to the living room, my level of concern rising. Did something happen with Heath? I was too depressed to console someone else at the moment.

  I sat on the couch and Apollo lay at my feet.

  Roland sat on the other couch. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me. “It’s dark in here…”

  “I was taking a nap.”

  “Oh…” He rested his arms on his knees.

  “So, what’s up?”

  “Hey, remember that party we went to in college?” The subject was totally random and I didn’t know what to make of it. “We filled Theo’s keg with root beer and he chugged it for nearly a minute until he realized what it was.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Fun times, huh?”

  “I suppose…”

  “And remember when he needed a priest for Skye’s wedding but we couldn’t find one. So I got that rabbi?”

  “Yeah…that was a long day.”

  “Funny, huh?” His voice came out high-pitched, like he was nervous as hell.

  “Yeah. Real funny.” At the time my head was going to explode. We only had an hour before the wedding started but there was no one to marry them. Thankfully, Slade had already been ordained. “What’s your point?”

  “I just wanted to remind you of the good times…”

  That didn’t sound good. Did he have bad news? Was it about Lexie? Was it about someone else?

  He pulled an envelope out of his pocket and fidgeted with it. The letter was crinkled and had been folded in a million ways. It looked aged, like it was written twenty years ago and left at the bottom of an empty oil drum.

  “Ro, everything okay?”

  Roland released a painful sigh. “ No…there’s something I need to tell you.”

  “Okay.” I kept a brave face on but I was nervous. I’d already taken a lot of shit. I didn’t think I could take anymore.

  “I want you to remember that I’m your best friend. Anything I do for you is in your best interest. I would never hurt you on purpose.”

  Now I really didn’t like this conversation.

  “And…I love you.”

  Shit, this was bad. “Just tell me, Roland.”

  He continued to fidget with the paper. “When you came back from Italy you asked us to pack up your things in the apartment. When we got there…we saw a letter under the door.”

  Blood pounded in my ears.

  “The handwriting looked like Lexie’s, and we couldn’t figure out who else would slip a letter under your door so we assumed it belonged to her. We were all terrified to give it to you because you were so rocky. You were out of your mind. What if the letter made things worse? What if it sent you off the deep end? After talking about it for nearly an hour we decided not to give it to you.”

  I heard everything he said but I struggled to understand it. “So…she did leave me a letter?”

  Roland nodded.

  “And she left it after I went to Italy?”

  Roland nodded again.

  “What did it say?” My voice shook.

  “I don’t know…we never opened it.”

  I stared at the envelope in his hands. Lexie was telling the truth. She did reach out to me. She did try to talk to me. I just never got it.

  “I know you still love her and…you’re struggling with her leaving. Maybe this letter can give you the closure you need. Or maybe it can be the key to forgiving her. I don’t know…but I thought you should have it.”

  I kept staring at it.

  “I’m sorry I took it. I was just trying to prot
ect you.”

  I extended my hand. “Give it to me.”

  Roland didn’t move. “Are you sure—”

  “Give it to me.”

  Roland handed it over with a shaky hand.

  I snatched it then looked at the front. Unmistakably, it was her handwriting. The curve of the letters was recognizable. And she addressed it as Con, not Conrad. She was the only person who called me that.

  Roland watched me in silence.

  I stared at it for a full minute and debated whether I should open it. What difference would it make? Would it really help me forget her? Or would it just drag out my feelings?

  But could I not open it? Could I never know what she wanted to say?

  My fingers opened the top, and the single page fell out. It was folded in three ways. I opened it and stared at the page without reading it. I took in her small handwriting and saw the distant tearstains soaked into the paper. I was looking back in time, remembering the night she broke my heart.

  Then I began to read.

  Con,

  I just walked through the entire city because I didn’t know what else to do with myself. I ran out of that restaurant with nowhere to go because you’re the only home I’ll ever have.

  I panicked. I’m sorry.

  Jared cheated on me time and time again, and the divorce was one of the darkest periods of my life. Saying goodbye to someone you thought you’d spend forever with is the most painful thing you can imagine. I lost my faith in love and never thought I could find it again.

  Then I met you.

  I tried to fight the feelings in my heart but nothing worked. I fell so damn hard for you. You were everything I dreamed of since I was a little girl. It made me realize Jared was never the man I was supposed to be with.

  It was you.

  I fell deeply and pathetically in love with you. And I was so happy.

  But then my dad left my mom. He cheated on her and didn’t have the respect to be discreet about it. Then he signed the divorce papers with a quick hand and left her on the sidewalk. Watching my mom go through that…just made me lose faith all over again. I never doubted I loved you. I just doubted it would last forever.

  When you said those beautiful things and got down on one knee, I wanted to say yes. I wanted to put that ring on my finger and be yours forever. But then I remembered every relationship I ever believed in failed. What if you left me that way? I wouldn’t recover. That would be the end of me.