You're Going to Mars!

by Rob Dircks

  I tell him everything, about the discovery, and Zach, and Daniels, and he tells me quite a story, too: incredibly, the Dead Body Database had been published, on servers around the world, and people in large numbers began to take to the streets, demanding answers, and demanding that the Off-World Biocontamination Act be repealed to allow us to come home. It hadn’t been repealed, but the government granted a stay to appease the hordes of protestors. Ted and team were allowed back in business in Mission Control.

  We’re coming home.

  If we survive.

  “Ted. I almost forgot. Can you get someone out to Captain Daniels’ family, quickly, get them into hiding temporarily until this is all figured out?”

  “Already on it.”

  “What? How?”

  “Some guy named Angel. He had a tip.”

  “Angel! Is he there?”

  “No. There was a woman who delivered the tip from him. She insisted on getting in, talking to you. We didn’t let her in, she seemed dangerous and unstable. We kicked her out. She wouldn’t leave, she’s outside the perimeter, parked in some old car. For three days now.”

  Yep. That’s my mother.

  “Ted! Go get her! I need to speak with her!”

  “Pepper?”

  God, the wrong name never sounded so good.

  “Mom.”

  “You must be thinking of someone else. You usually call me Jane.”

  “You were right, Mom.”

  “I’m always right.”

  I laugh. It’s just like the dream. “Martha’s downloading all the analysis to Ted right now. Jane, Mom, it’s incredible. Marsonium, that’s the name we gave it, it’s got some other-worldly properties. When it burns, it produces something like ten thousand times the power of methane. This would’ve put WasteWay out of business. That’s why they were hiding it. Trying to bury it. You were right all along, Mom.”

  No response. And then I hear it. For the first time. My mother is crying.

  “I… did it for you and your sisters, Paper.”

  “You must be thinking of someone else. You usually call me Pepper.”

  She laughs. “I love you, my baby.” And then after a little while, “You did it.”

  “We.” I take a deep breath. “And I love you too, Mom.” I look at the timer. An hour and fifteen minutes left. “Well, we might have done it. I’m in a little pickle right here. I’ll know in a little over an hour if we’re ever going to see each other again.” Now I’m crying too. “Mom… I don’t want to die. I want to live. And I want to come home.”

  “Don’t be stupid. You’re not going to die. And I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay right here with you. The whole time. Now, why don’t you tell me all about it, your great adventure? I want all the details. Gimmee gimmee.”

  “Where should I start?”

  “Tell me everything. From the beginning.”

  I look at the display. That’s an awfully long story to try to fit into an hour and fifteen minutes. And then, once again, I wonder if that light is going to flash red or green. But strangely, this time the thought doesn’t frighten me. Whether I live or die, my Mom will be with me, and Zach Larson, and I will have made the difference I was meant to, for the Fillers, and for everyone, and they’ll all live forever in my heart, even if that heart is blown into little 50-micron diameter pieces.

  I’ve become who I am. I’ve made it home.

  78

  The Light Flashed Green.

  The light flashed green. I don’t remember much else, just that I let out a little sigh of relief, I didn’t even have enough energy to scream “I’M ALIVE!!!,” and I returned, somehow, sweaty and exhausted and hands cramped into useless little knobs, to my Term Sleep pod, and Martha tucked me in and told me once again that I would be dreaming in ten seconds.

  As I stand here now, looking at the bookshelf in the living room of my newish trailer next to Nana’s, I still feel like I’m dreaming. I pick up the photo, taken just before I escaped on the adventure of a lifetime. There I am in the middle, bleach blonde crew cut, sad and afraid. I put down that photo and pick up the one we took just yesterday. Rock’s on the left, with Dill and their new addition Dill Junior, and yes, the kid is eating a booger he just picked. Scissors hasn’t changed at all, with her kissy face and her middle finger. Duggie and Bradline are there, Bradline trying to turn Duggie’s face toward the camera.

  Nana’s there too, sweet Nana, still alive and kicking, still cooking her infamous meals at ninety-eight, eyes as bright as ever. Her arms are around Dad… and Mom.

  They’re not getting back together, Dad and Mom, in fact she made up some excuse that she needed to take a little trip down the coast, some research into Marsonium for the New WasteWay Corporation.

  Ah, yes, New WasteWay: now that lots of Gitanos and their corrupt politician friends are going to jail, the remaining family shareholders, led by Angel, have been extremely eager to merge with an actual, legitimate, law-abiding corporation like Groupie/AceSpace, beginning a thorough scrubbing of their organization from top to bottom. So the name’s been changed, and the charter revised to research and distribute Marsonium as a fuel to the government and countries around the globe. New WasteWay will still play a key role in mining on Mars, distilling, purifying, keeping the process safe, and more, employing even more Fillers – who can travel as they wish, wherever they wish – than before. So Mom is gone for now, in another old Honda, no surprise, but Voomvoom is here, sitting in my lap right now as a matter of fact, so I know she’ll be back soon.

  Voomvoom points to the photo. “Is she a sister too?”

  He’s pointing to the fourth sister, the one to my left. Aurora. She’s gone now, too, off to release the Rocket Girl album and prep for the tour. Before she left, she wrote the final lyrics to “Rocket Girl” on the back of the photo:

  Rocket Girl / I’m goin’ far

  Gotta leave now / Sail through the stars

  If you look real hard / I’m that dot in the black

  Will you be waitin’ / If I ever get back?

  Will you be waitin’ / If I ever get back?

  Rocket Girl / Time has come

  Leave the stars / Learn where you’re from

  If I look real hard / into the blue

  You’re running to me / And I’m running to you.

  You’re running to me / And I’m running to you.

  Voomvoom reaches up and wipes the tear from tip of my nose. He turns the photo back around. “There’s me. And Angel. And you.”

  And there we are, a weird sort of family of our own. Angel’s got his hand on Voomvoom’s shoulder, he’s going to make such a great dad someday, I know it. He’s leaning left and kissing me on the cheek and smiling like he just won a trip to a chocolate factory. I can’t wait to marry that boy.

  And there I am right in the middle, not the sad and afraid girl from what feels like a million years ago, but a more complete Paper, all grown up, surrounded by possibilities, freedom, and most of all, love.

  I take a deep breath of the Everpresent Stink and smile.

  “Ahh. Smells like home.”

  Also by Rob Dircks

  Where the Hell is Tesla?

  SCI-FI ODYSSEY. COMEDY. LOVE STORY. AND OF COURSE… NIKOLA TESLA. I’ll let Chip, the main character tell you more: “I found the journal at work. Well, I don’t know if you’d call it work, but that’s where I found it. It’s the lost journal of Nikola Tesla, one of the greatest inventors and visionaries ever. Before he died in 1943, he kept a notebook filled with spectacular claims and outrageous plans. One of these plans was for an “Interdimensional Transfer Apparatus” – that allowed someone (in this case me and my friend Pete) to travel to other versions of the infinite possibilities around us. Crazy, right? But that’s just where the crazy starts.”

  "Hilarious time-travel odyssey" -- Kirkus Reviews Magazine, June 2017

  "★★★★★ Without a doubt the funniest and craziest syfy adventure I've ever read... I made the mistake of
reading this book in public and was laughing like a crazied mad man with tears in my eyes. NO BS. I had people glaring at me and hiding their children like I was some kind of lunatic. Great book. I can't wait to read more from Rob Dircks."

  "★★★★★ LOVED IT! I loved this book! Hysterical, interesting, cool, just awesome. I flew through it in a few days and laughed the whole way through. I love sci-fi, I love humor and this is the perfect mix of both. Loved!!"

  "★★★★★ We need more Bobo! Where The Hell Is Tesla? is one of the funniest books I've read in quite some time."

  "★★★★★ Best comedy sci fi in a decade... a fun and hilarious romp through the multiverse with a group of very likable characters, witty and addictive writing."

  "★★★★★ Rob Dircks' narrative style and his characters' surprising wit are a breath of fresh air for a genre that I have a great deal of love for but is all too often hit or miss."

  "★★★★★ By far the most amusing, funniest and laugh-out-loud audiobook I have ever listened to!"

  Also by Rob Dircks

  Don’t Touch the Blue Stuff! (Where the Hell is Tesla? Book Two)

  The sequel to Where the Hell is Tesla? is HERE!

  SOMETHING CALLED THE “BLUE JUICE” IS COMING. FOR ALL OF US. Luckily, me (Chip Collins), Pete, Nikola Tesla, Bobo, and FBI Agent Gina Phillips are here to kick its ass, and send it back to last Tuesday. Maybe. Or maybe we’ll fail, and everyone in the multiverse is doomed. (Seriously, you might want to get that underground bunker ready.) Either way, I’ve got to get home to Julie and find out… woah, I’m not about to tell you that right here in the book description! TMI.

  WARNING: If you haven’t read Where the Hell is Tesla?, I apologize in advance, as you might get completely freaking lost. If you do, just call my apartment, I’m usually around, and I’ll fill you in. (If I’m not stuck in the ITA.) – Chip

  "★★★★★ An amusing and unexpectedly crazy ride - a perfect and hilarious follow-up to Where the Hell is Tesla?" - AudiobookReviewer.com

  "★★★★★ An incredible, madcap adventure that only Dircks could deliver. The "Tesla" books are living proof that original stories are still out there waiting to be discovered."

  "★★★★★ I love this series! It gets better and better. Love wins! If you haven't read Where the Hell is a Tesla?, you must. You'll love both. I promise. Thank you Mr. Dircks!"

  "★★★★★ So damn funny and insanely entertaining! Loved the first one and this was just as fun."

  "★★★★★ You never know with sequels... Fortunately, you don't have to worry about this one. Dircks' second in the Tesla series delivers every bit as well as the first - in the same balls-to-the-wall writing style that made the first book so entertaining."

  "★★★★★ There isn't another writer like Rob Dircks in the entire multiverse."

  "★★★★★ The CHIP MASTER IS BACK. My second favorite of all audiobooks I've ever listened to... only because Where the Hell is Tesla? is number one."

  Also by Rob Dircks

  The Wrong Unit

  I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HUMANS ARE SO CRANKY ABOUT. Their enclosures are large, they ingest over a thousand calories per day, and they’re allowed to mate. Plus, they have me: an Autonomous Servile Unit, housed in a mobile/bipedal chassis. I do my job well: keep the humans healthy and happy.

  “Hey you.”

  Heyoo. That’s my name, I suppose. It’s easier for the humans to remember than 413s98-itr8. I guess I’ve gotten used to it.

  ---

  Rob Dircks, bestselling author of Where the Hell is Tesla?, has a “unit” with a problem: how to deliver his package, out in the middle of nowhere, with nothing to guide him. Oh, and with the fate of humanity hanging in the balance. It’s a science fiction tale of technology gone haywire, unlikely heroes, and the nature of humanity. (Woah. That last part sounds deep. Don’t worry, it’s not.)

  "Rob Dircks manages to bridge the tricky divide between science-fiction and humor so effortlessly that a comparison to Vonnegut is not a hyperbolic stretch." - Ruth Sinanian, Literature Reviewer

  "★★★★★ The Wrong Unit is the right story for today... it reacquaints us with our human ingenuity and shortcomings, our deepest longings, and, most notably, our great capacity to love."

  "★★★★★ FUNNY. HUMAN. A GREAT RIDE! The Wrong Unit is a fun and twist-turning journey that keeps you on the edge of your seat."

  "★★★★★ I'm such a fan of this book that I'm going to recommend it for next month's Book Club pick!"

  "★★★★★ OUTSTANDING!! With The Wrong Unit, Rob Dircks has established himself with this potentially prophetic view into humanity's future and the consequences of our growing reliability on and appetite for technology."

  "★★★★★ The Wrong Unit is such a great ride!! The pace is fast, the dialogue is smart and sarcastic and witty. The sci-fi world created by Dircks is new, imaginative, and so original. No easy feat! I loved the main characters Heyoo and Wah. Laugh out loud funny and sure, I'll admit, I got a little weepy at some spots. Highly recommended!"

  Also by Rob Dircks

  Listen To The Signal: Short Stories Volume 1

  Like episodes of The Twilight Zone or The Outer Limits, the sixteen stories contained in Listen To The Signal, Short Stories Volume 1 ask questions like, "What would happen if an iPhone game was addictive - to everyone?" and "Are we all living inside a simulation? And if so, who's running it?" and "When a pilot has to emergency land in a remote town near Area 51 what does he find?"

  Hi, Rob Dircks here. I'm the Audible bestselling author of Where the Hell is Tesla?, and I've been writing and narrating these stories since 2016 on my podcast, Listen To The Signal. But now I've made them available ONLY here in this book. They include: Dakō • Today I Invented Time Travel • End Game • November 8, 2016 • Quick Fix • Horatio Breathed His Last • Purgatory • Out of the Blue • Tick Tick Tick • Rose • Red Parka • Bloop • Their DNA Was No Longer the Same • The Last One • Mister Personality • Christmas in Silver Peak.

  "★★★★★ There is no one writing scifi as well as Rob Dircks right now, and this short story collection proves it.

  I listened to all of these stories when they originally came out on his podcast, and was blown away every time by the quality of his writing and his mastery of the short story form. He knows the tropes and how to subvert them. He can build a world in a few paragraphs so that you understand it intuitively. He creates characters that are uniquely relatable and gosh darn it, he's funny to boot.

  That is when he is not making me tear up. Add to all that the fact that he does a terrific job narrating his own stories and you have a very appealing package.

  But now that I have been able to re-listen to all the stories again via this collection, hearing them all together rather than strung out over a series of months, I perceived something I had not noticed before. Something that unites not only these stories but also his novels. Something special that only Rob Dircks can deliver.

  It's a sweetness, a love of life and humanity, that shines through all of his characters and all of his imaginary worlds. I feel instantly better when I finish something he has written, I feel uplifted and hopeful. What a wonderful gift Rob has to allow us to see the good in one another, and how lucky we are that he is sharing it with us through his art.

  Can't wait for the next collection.”

  About the Author

  Rob Dircks is the Audible bestselling author of Where the Hell is Tesla?, The Wrong Unit, Don't Touch the Blue Stuff! (Where the Hell is Tesla? Book Two), and a member of SFWA (Science Fiction & Fantasy Writers of America). His prior work includes the anti-self-help book Unleash the Sloth! 75 Ways to Reach Your Maximum Potential By Doing Less, and a drawerful of screenplays and short stories. Some of these sci-fi short stories appear on Rob's original audio short story podcast Listen To The Signal, also narrated by the author. Rob’s a big fan of classic science fiction, and sci-fi conspiracy theories (not to beli
eve in them, just for entertainment.) When not writing, he's helping other authors publish their own work with his own little imprint, Goldfinch Publishing. He lives in New York with his wife and two kids. You can get in touch at www.robdircks.com.