Finding Home

by K. L. Humphreys

  “I’ll be over in a sec,” I tell her as I walk toward the bedroom, if she’s going to be uncomfortable wearing sweats, I may as well wear mine too; it may ease her. Plus, I like wearing sweatpants. So, win-win.

  Once I’m ready I lock up and walk across the hall to her apartment, I knock on the door and wait. A cupboard door closing is quickly followed by footsteps, she’s on her way to open the door, it’s followed by the front door to the complex opening, the strong stench of aftershave hits me and that smell means only one thing; it’s Riccardo coming in. Michelle opens her door just as Riccardo stops at the elevator.

  “Hey, come on in.” Michelle’s sultry voice pulls my face away from Riccardo, who looks as though he’d love nothing more than to kill me.

  The air is knocked from my lungs as my eyes take her in, she’s so beautiful; her face clear of makeup. Her hair’s tied up in a messy knot on the top of her head, and she’s barefoot. She’s the definition of the girl next door. She’s my girl next door.

  She peers out of the door and her expression shutters, gone is her smile, it’s replaced by the Michelle you’ll get when you piss her off, I experienced that this morning. “Oh, hey Ric.” She motions for me to come into her apartment, her eyes pleading with me.

  “Hey, Michelle. You’re beautiful,” I whisper to her as I walk past, loving the shy smile that she gets.

  She closes the door behind me, leaving me wondering what’s happened between her and Riccardo since yesterday. “You wore sweats too?” Her eyes so bright as she takes me in.

  “Yep, couldn’t come to a sweat party not wearing sweats now could I?”

  “No you couldn’t! Right, first things first, take a seat and get comfortable also tell me what pizza you like?”

  I take a seat on her leather sofa, the thing reclines. God, I need one of these! “Anything except olives and pineapples. So surprise me.”

  She’s getting more comfortable with me, she’s not shy or even withdrawn as she was yesterday. “That I will.”

  These apartment walls are thin, she’s on the phone in her bedroom, yet everything she’s saying is clear. She’s ordering two large pizzas. Her apartment is the same layout as Mrs. Ethington’s, but there’s an extra bedroom in Michelle’s. This place must have cost a bomb. How does she afford it? She doesn’t look older than twenty-five, so she’s actually quite young to own this.

  When she returns from the bedroom, she takes a seat next to me. “So how are you settling in?” Her feet are up on the sofa, her toes inches away from me.

  “Better than I had expected, to be honest. I thought it would be hard to be out but so far it’s going okay. Once I’m into a routine and kept busy it’ll be better.” Right now, I’m going for honesty. I’m not sure if that’s the right thing to do, but we’ll see how it goes.

  “That’s good, I was worried about you. You were up really early this morning. I could hear your TV.”

  Shit, I need to keep the TV lower. I didn’t realize it could be heard outside of my apartment. “Sorry, I fell asleep with it on.”

  “Don’t be sorry, I was curious as to why you were up so early that’s all.” I don’t think she notices, but her feet have gotten closer to me; they’re actually touching my leg. I rest my hand on them, and she jumps, she tries to pull her feet away but I stop her. “Sorry,” she whispers, her toes wiggling beneath my palm.

  “It’s fine. Why were you up so early this morning?” I ask, and I’m glad I did when I see the expression on her face.

  She sighs. “I couldn’t sleep. I had an argument with Ric last night.”

  “About what?” If he’s the reason she’s so upset I’ll kill him.

  “He’s just being a jerk. I don’t even understand it myself.” She sits up a bit straighter, her feet still underneath my hand. “He bangs on the door like someone was shot. I was asleep and he woke me up. Anyway, he’s mad as hell and demanding to know why I told you about my dad being in prison. Then he tells me he’s into me and I’m naive or something. I honestly had enough of listening to him. He made me feel like shit for no reason!” The anger is bellowing in those emerald green eyes.

  What the fuck? “I haven’t spoken to him about your dad so what the fuck is he playing at?”

  “Trent, calm down. He’s not worth it.” She rubs her hand up and down my arm.

  “You’re worth it though.”

  Her eyes widen as her chest starts to rise and fall rapidly, yeah, she’s affected by me.

  “You don’t deserve that shit thrown on your doorstep.”

  She moves closer to me. “What’s happening?” she whispers. “I’ve never felt this before,” she confesses as her eyes dilate.

  I lean in toward her, my face only inches from hers. “I’m not sure but there’s one thing I know for certain.”

  “Oh yeah? What’s that?” She knows exactly what she’s doing; her whispered replies are hitting me right in the gut.

  “This.” I lean forward and capture her lips, not pressing too hard, as I don’t want to frighten her.

  I pull back before it gets too heated. I’m on edge; it’s been a long time since I’ve been with a woman, and I have so much pent-up energy that I need to take things slowly, otherwise Michelle may run.

  “Trent.” She moans, licking her lips as though she’s still tasting me. “God, what the hell is happening?” Is she talking to me or herself? The way she’s pulled back from me, almost as if I’ve burned her, isn’t a good sign.

  “Michelle, what’s the matter?” I’ve fucked up, she’s retreating and quickly, she pulls her feet out from under my hand but it’s as though she’s not hearing me, her fingers yet again tracing that tattoo. It’s like it’s her security blanket. “Michelle!” I demand and she stops moving and stares at me. “What’s just happened?”

  She looks as though she’s about to cry and I hate myself right now.

  “I’m such an idiot.”

  “Talk to me?” I demand and she laughs. “Michelle what’s going on?”

  “I’m broken, I know I am. Kissing you is all I’ve thought about all day. Then when it finally happens, I freak the fuck out. I’m so sorry.” Tears form in her eyes just as her intercom buzzes. “That’ll be the pizzas.” She starts walking toward the door, grabbing her purse off the table as she does so.

  “This conversation isn’t over! It’s far from over.” She doesn’t listen, she just walks out of the apartment. I’m not letting her walk away from this, because that kiss it was everything and I’m going to get her to see that she’s not broken. Whatever has happened to her it doesn’t mean she’s broken, it means she’s yet to find the person who can fix her. I want to be that person.

  She comes back in with two boxes, her expression closed off. She’s withdrawn completely from me. I have no idea what the hell has happened but I’m going to find out. She doesn’t even acknowledge me as she sits down beside me, she places one box onto the table and the other on her lap.

  “Are you not going to talk to me?” I ask trying not to come across aggressive when in fact I’m mad as hell, I deserve an explanation.

  “Not right now, let’s just eat and watch a movie.” She doesn’t even glance in my direction as she talks.

  I reach for the box on the table and begin to eat, she got the meat lovers pizza. “Thank you,” I tell her, hoping it’ll soften her.

  “You’re welcome.” Again, not even looking at me when she speaks, tonight has gone from great to shit within the space of a kiss.

  She puts on Taken, and I sit back and watch it, pissed that she’s closed off but I can’t blame her, she doesn’t really know me and she’s scared. I need to get her to trust me, to be able to open up and maybe then we’ll be able to get to a stage where kissing doesn’t make her want to back the hell away.

  I’m a bitch.

  His face when I pulled away was all I needed to tell me that I had fucked up. Being around Trent has made me the happiest I’ve ever been and in the space of a kiss I ruined it. Thi
ngs were going great, we were getting along really well and when he leaned in for a kiss, I was so happy, my stomach had butterflies. I wanted it, no I needed it, I needed it more than I needed my next breath. When he kissed me, it was sheer heaven, then it was like a bucket of water had been chucked over me. Gone was the lust and happiness, replaced with the dark place I’ve not visited for years. The place I keep hidden, the reason I keep everyone at arm’s length.

  Sitting here beside Trent makes me want to open up to him and tell him everything, but I can’t. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. I made a promise, one that I intend to keep and take to the grave. Trent’s different compared to the others. I’m safe around him. It’s weird even thinking that given how long ago I met him but it’s true. There’s something about him that calls to me, and doing nothing about it will kill me. So I have one of two choices, leave it as one kiss and do nothing. Let him move on and find someone else, cry silently into my pillow every night because I’m stupid or do I open up to him, without telling him everything?

  The silence is killing me, even though Liam Neeson is kicking ass and taking names in Taken, one of my all-time favorite films, I can’t seem to focus on it. My eyes keep gazing toward Trent who hasn’t once spared me a look. He’s engrossed in the film, and I’m like a stalker as I keep glancing at him.

  “I can feel your eyes on me. You have an intense stare.” Amusement is clear in his voice. “Are you okay?” He turns to face me, worry in his eyes.

  “Yeah, I think so.” I shrug, how do I even begin this? “This apartment complex was my grandma’s. She took me in when my dad was arrested. She’s the only one who was on my side.” My hands shake as my mouth goes dry. Just talking about this brings back the sinking sensation of being alone and scared.

  “Why was she the only one on your side? Where is she?” He fires the questions out like he’s a drill sergeant. “What happened?” He turns so he’s fully facing me, I wish he hadn’t, it’s going to be so much harder telling him with him facing me.

  “How much do you know about why my father’s in prison?” This is why I haven’t told anyone about my life before, it’s too damn hard trying to spit it the fuck out. That, along with Trent being the only person I want to tell.

  Trent frowns, almost as if he’s trying to figure out where I’m going with this. “Not much, he said he was drunk and he and his friend were messing around and the gun went off and he shot him.” I can see him trying to work things out. “That’s not true, is it?”

  I shake my head. “No, it’s not. My dad is, was, an alcoholic. It was so bad that we wouldn’t see him weeks on end. When he’d come back, he’d act as though everything was fine, like he hadn’t disappeared for God knows how long. Mom would go along with it, pretend everything was normal, when we all knew it wasn’t.” I can’t believe that I’ve got tears in my eyes, there’s no reason to cry. It was a long ass time ago and now I’m better off away from them.

  “Wow, and here I thought my family was fucked up.” I laugh at Trent’s joke and the smile I receive in return tells me that me laughing is exactly what he intended.

  “Yeah, what’s that saying? You can pick your friends but not your family… Yeah, that about sums it up.” I sigh. “My dad wasn’t a good dad. I used to be so jealous when my friends would tell me all the things they did with their dads. My dad was sleeping off his hangover instead of teaching me how to ride a bike. He was already out drinking when my prom date came to pick me up. He was absent in my life, and I hated him. I hated that he put getting drunk before his kids.” I thought I was over this anger I had toward him, I didn’t realize I still held on.

  “Shit Michelle, that’s fucking shit. You have a sibling?” His mouth hangs open with shock.

  “Yeah, I have a little brother. He’s eighteen now, Mom had him older, he’s eight years younger than me. She said that she thought she couldn’t have anymore and gave up trying, then along comes Seb.” Sebastian, God, he’s the only one I miss. He doesn’t really understand what’s happened and whenever I see him, he always says hello.

  “Why don’t you talk to your mom and him anymore?” I saw that coming, there’s no way that he’s not going to ask questions, I’ve given him an opening, and he’d be stupid not to take it.

  “Dad would always bring his friends around when he was drinking. They were always over, we were all used to it, when they would come over they’d be loud and obnoxious. I hated it, so I always hid in my room. I was left alone, Mom was always busy trying to make Dad stay and not go out, and Seb was happy to play with his games console.” I give him a smile, hoping it portrays everything I’m feeling. The smile is shaky and small.

  “Michelle…” He’s lost for words. Obviously, he must have realized that whatever happened isn’t good, but I still have to say it. He reaches over and takes my hand, offering silent support as he gently squeezes it.

  “Dad went away for a week, and he came back with a new friend.” Goosebumps cover my arms as I remember Eddie. “He was different from the other men Dad was friends with. I know now that he was sleazy and weird.”

  The grip Trent has on my hand tightens. “What did he do?” He bites out, his anger coming out as he does so.

  “Things were fine, then one night my dad had a party. He was so drunk he fell asleep while the party was going on around him. Stupid asshole!” I inhale deeply, hoping that it’ll help me calm down. “Mom and Seb were here, funnily enough, seeing as Grandma hated my mom. I tried sleeping, but the noise from the party was too much, I went to the bathroom and got cornered by Eddie on the way out. He pushed me back into the bathroom and began to kiss and touch me.”

  “I’m going to kill him,” Trent says through clenched teeth, the hand holding mine has loosened but his other hand is balled into a fist.

  “I managed to get away from him. He didn’t try anything else again.”

  Relief flashes in his eyes.

  “That night,” I whisper as my body shivers.

  “Fuck, what the hell? What happened next?” He demands and there’s something about how affected he is by what I’m saying that makes me realize that he does care.

  “Your reaction reminds me of how my grandma was. She was spitting mad that it happened. I called her straight away and she came to the house with Mom and Seb. Mom called me a liar and an attention seeker.” It’s my turn to ball my hand into a fist. My nails biting into my palm remind me that I’m alive, and that tempers my rage. Barely. “Once Grandma had gone home I got a slap across the face and told to shut up and to never tell Grandma anything else.”

  “What a bitch!” Yeah, Trent sums up my mom in one word. Bitch. She never changed, she was always a bitch. I’m lucky that I managed to get away from her.

  “My grandma never spoke to my mom after that. She hated Claire and when I moved in here I never spoke about her.” I shake my head, I’m getting off topic. “Eddie was over at our house every day for two weeks. I was in hell, every day I waited in horror as he would come into my bedroom, every day he’d touch me and no matter how many times I would say no, he’d still do it.” Bile rises in my throat and I will it back down, I’m not doing this to myself again. Eddie has taken enough from me, I won’t let him make me sick anymore, I won’t let him take my happiness anymore.

  “What did he do? Did he…?” He can’t say the word, he can’t say rape. “Did he?”

  I’m shaking my head. “He never got that far.” I give him a shaky smile, hoping that he’ll believe it.

  “That far? Michelle, he touched you, that’s fucking bad enough. What happened? I’m going to kill him.” I swallow the lump that’s lodged in my throat as I stare at Trent’s watery eyes.

  “He’s dead, Trent. The night he died, I honestly believe he would have done it…” I shake my head, I’m not going there. “Dad stopped him.” I close my eyes, remembering dad’s face that night. His eyes were wild, he was raging but at the same time he was devastated.

  His gaze flashes with anger as he realizes
what I said. “He’s the reason your dad’s in jail!” It’s not a question but I still nod. “The fucker deserved everything he got. How old were you?”

  “Sixteen. The night Eddie died was such a relief.” I let out a bitter laugh. “How sick and twisted am I to be relieved because someone’s dead?”

  He reaches over and pulls me to him, his arms closing around me. It’s awkward but I don’t mind, being in his arms feels good. “It’s not sick or twisted at all. I’m fucking glad the bastard is dead. Don’t let him get to you. So relax and let’s get back to the movie.”

  I twist to look at the screen; it’s the last scene in the movie. “Want to rewind it?”

  He shakes his head as he settles back into the couch. Taking a hold of the pillow, he places it on his chest. “Nope, we’ll carry on this movie-athon with the second one. Come and lie down.” His voice is relaxed as is his body.

  How sweet is he? After everything I’ve told him, he just sits there and wants to snuggle while the movie plays? He’s way too good to be true.

  “What are you thinking so hard about?” I glance up at him and all I see is worry. He probably thinks I’m about to have another melt down.

  “I’m thinking how sweet you are.”

  He laughs, putting a smile on my face as he does so. “Don’t tell anyone, you’ll ruin my rep.”

  I’m laughing now. “What rep? Ethel was telling me how even she believes that under that brooding demeanor, you’re actually very sweet.”

  “Mrs. Ethington is cool. She went out of her way to make me dinner even though she only just met me.” His eyes are soft, gone is the humor replaced by seriousness.

  I move and lie beside him, my head on the pillow and my arm thrown over his stomach. His toned muscles occasionally ripple through his T-shirt. “When my grandma died she was my rock, well her and Agnes. They held my hands at her funeral, they helped me so much, whenever I needed someone they were there.”